syzygy

/ˈsɪzɪdʒi/

noun 1. ASTRONOMY a conjunction or opposition, especially of the moon with the sun. "the planets were aligned in syzygy"

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Interesting and exciting concept :)

The Arts Academy certainly has an interesting concept which I enjoyed reading so far. I'd love to see the development of this concept of the Academy, how it functions, etc. However, the fact that this information, which is VITAL information to the plot, and shows the development of a whole different world from what readers are used to, seemed disappointing. The huge chunk of text in the ‘introduction’ is not something I’d recommend doing if you are serious about publishing a story, especially this one. Information, especially the concepts you had thoroughly outlined in the introduction, should be introduced and developed THROUGHOUT the story, as it has important relevance to the plot. Not only is it important to the plot, but it is also quite overwhelming to face such a large amount of important plot concepts as soon as you read the story. I found it difficult to remember the house names, colours and their main subject straight away. Instead, it should be mentioned (like a recurring motif, almost), throughout the story so that readers can get used to the names and make it easier for them to remember. On this notion, the plot yet is not outlined. I wonder each chapter what is about to happen, but not exactly in a good way— in order to make the story more exciting, I’d suggest you start to speed up the plot, especially now that the characters have met. I understand that you may be trying to lay down key plot points, but this can be done through a little less banter (but you don’t have to take this point into consideration, this is just my opinion). This, however, is still important to some degree, since, from what I know, no exact summary is given to the audience as to what this story will be about. Readers have only been informed that this story has houses, characters, etc, etc. As I mentioned above, the introduction is not necessary and instead, all that information should be integrated cleverly throughout the story. I’ve noticed throughout each chapter there are sustained grammatical errors, including things like no commas before quotation marks or the wrong device used before and after someone speaks. Wording choices, which I’ve only picked up once from what I’ve read to date, “wistful” from the first official chapter, did not seem to relate to the description given. However, if your intentions are to foreshadow something, then this is not a problem. The tense used to tell the story, present tense, was something that took me off guard when I first read the story. At first, I thought it was a mistake, where the tense would switch back and forth, but it was well sustained throughout each chapter, so I have no problems with that. Occasionally I saw a colon before a character spoke, which drew away from the authenticity of the story. If it is a script, then it’s fine, but if it’s an actual novel, then I’d suggest you’d fix that. Judging from the rest of your writing, I’m assuming it’s the latter. Also, I see no need to outline that the story will show a flashback, since italics can do the trick— it is also the main way novels that are published indicate the story becomes a flashback. Speaking of flashbacks, the flashback Jayla saw before being struck was rather short. I understand that it is a memory which is suddenly remembered within a short period of time, but if it is traumatic, I’d assume a lot of description would be needed to show what happened to her mother. What did her body look like? Instead of simply saying it was mutilated, describe it, show it instead of telling it. Moreover, the *back to Sam* was also something that seemed unnecessary. You can replace that by changing paragraphs or using a text separator. Another mistake I noticed was that Charlee suddenly started to speak? There were no italics to indicate she was writing, furthermore, the description of her actions (Charlotte asked), indicated she spoke, which confused me. The characterisation and first impressions of the boys that bullied Jayla also caught me somewhat off guard, it seemed sort of… unoriginal. I’ve seen many other stories with the bully trope and damsel in distress character as their timid nature makes it harder for them to defend themselves. The fact that Zac came to save the day made their first meeting seem less special due to this trope being overused. It also made me question why such students would be able to attend the academy. Especially since there are a small amount of students who attend the academy, and also how it is very hard to get into the school, as you mentioned in the introduction. I’d assume the students must be intelligent and be gifted in order to attend this academy. It contradicts with the small and very conservative nature the description of the academy emitted from your introduction. As each main character got introduced, I found it hard to concentrate on the description of their appearances, as the huge chunks of text simply overwhelmed me. I like the fact that you have great detail of their appearance, however, it should be integrated throughout the story instead of one huge text. Sure, what they’re wearing can be described, but what exact shade and tone of their hair colour, their eye colour, etc, is something that is somewhat unnecessary to describe as soon as they’re introduced. Think of it this way, you should only describe the most outward features of each character, what you’d notice first when meeting them for the first time, instead of covering everything. Once you get to know the character more and interact with them, you’ll notice other things about their appearance, which is where you can add in those finer details. And also as you get to interact with those characters, you’d notice their MANNERISMS. This is important to characterisation as it defines a character more than just their appearance. Knowing Jayla’s timid and almost anxious nature, could she possibly hunch over majority of the time, being used to the feeling of vulnerability or exploitation? Does she bite her nails, a common sign of anxiety. Also what caught be off guard was Jayla’s, unfortunately, over excessive stuttering. A normal person does not stutter on every syllable when they’re scared, anxious or overthinking. Their mind is working so fast that they’re unable to keep up with their words. They may come out jumbled, merged together, they may repeat phrases, but not constantly stutter on the same syllable. Once or twice in a while is fine, overdoing it is not. Unless Jayla has a speaking problem, then I see this to be unnecessary. However, if she does have a speaking problem, I certainly think that this is an interesting trait which adds more dimension to her character. It makes her more unique. Moreover, something that also caught me off guard was the fact that both genders are able to stay together in the same apartment/dorm. Especially since this is a prestigious school, I’d assume there’d be more conservity to this system. Other than that, the story is something definitely worth working on. I’m excited to see more of this! I apologise if my feedback seemed overly harsh; I wanted to focus on the things that should be worked on more. Overall a very good job! Let me know if you would not like any more feedback. :)

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Interesting Plot!

When I saw your post on the fanfiction group wall, I was interested in the concept of an anti-hero. I haven't really thought or speculated about a possible anti-hero, and I was super excited to read about a character along those lines.

The story started off in a manner I did not expect. The very first chapter is quite overwhelming despite its small word count. There is a lot of information to take into account. It would be suitable for you to show readers the character's abilities in the plot's events (perhaps a PE lesson with All Might, that is up to you). Instead of telling the audience that the character is neutral, you should show it through the plot. It would be much more interesting to see the development of the character as an anti-hero and questioning citizen rather than reading about it straight off the bat. It would give a perfect opportunity to show the character's indirect characterisation and practice this component of story writing.

Your writing style is unique but can be worked on through more description and background information as stated above. Chapters were slightly short and the main character's point of view doesn't seem to take enough time to talk about the world. Worldbuilding is important, and although the story is a fanfiction based off of a world which has already been established by another creator, it is still important to establish the setting in your story so that readers can understand what is going on. However, I do understand that the character is attending the hero's school UA Academy.

I'm interested to see more interaction between the character and their best friends as well as their interactions, relationships and opinions toward other students. I want to know more about the character as the story goes on, what class they are from, how exactly their quirk works (this can be shown through a PE lesson or another event of your choice). Do they have any drawbacks to their quirks, in other words, do they have any sort of flaw or weakness upon using their quirk or with their quirk? I also want to know why the character has mixed feelings toward heroes and villains, and what leads them to become an anti-hero. Do they do something that is frowned upon in this universe?

I'm also curious to learn more about the odd feeling the character feels at the beginning of chapter 2, and most importantly, about the hooded figure at the end of chapter 2. What leads them to believe they are being followed? Who is this mysterious stalker and why are they interested in the main protagonist? This is one of the parts of the plot that intrigues me the most, and I'm excited to see this be developed in the future. This is one of the strengths in your writing. Your use of mystery is what makes this story interesting. :)

I apologise if my feedback has come off as harsh or over critical. I hope my feedback can help you in the future. :D

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Unique plot, potential to be developed.

I saw this story on the fanfiction discussion group and it piqued my interest. I didn't know what to expect, but when I read the synopsis, overwhelming emotions hit me. The synopsis is quite strong, a little too much. I'm not too much of a fan of stories with profanity, though, it is alright when used moderately. However, I found it concerning that there was some sort of profanity and cussing almost every single sentence. I do not know what your character's quirk is, and I'm interested in how it is developed throughout the book and how it relates to their back story. From what I was given in the first chapter, this character has a pretty harsh background. Again, probably a bit too much to handle in such a short time, and, if you don't mind me saying, a little forced and unnatural. Rather, I'd like to see this trauma be developed throughout the book in small portions rather than just thrown at me immediately. Not only does it make the story more natural and authentic, but it also makes the character's development more worthwhile to witness. The synopsis listed the character's flaws and harsh background, it isn't typically something I would want to read if that's all the synopsis gave me. The character almost seems like a Mary Sue, but in an opposite form. However, despite this, I am excited to read more about this character's tale. I hope this feedback helps you, apologies if I came off as too harsh. :)

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Truly Hooking :)

When I read the blurb before reading the first chapter, I wasn't expecting such a gripping introduction.

Harry's character is so interesting to read about. The current mystery of this anonymous assailant makes me want to read more, which is why I adore this book so much already! I would love to see more development on this original plot, it definitely has great potential. And what excites me is the introduction of the second main lead and how Harry and she will meet, how they will interact, how they will find this assailant. I really want to see their adventures together! I'd definitely love to see more interactions with Harry and his secretary, they seem like a very amusing and fun pair of characters already! I'd love to see more of Mr Evans!

Immediately going into my reading list for sure. And is definitely being liked as well. Thank you so much for writing this, Author. Please do write more. :)

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