C.L.Brierley

Manchester, UK 🇬🇧

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Needs work but a lot of drama

The description is too long and doesn't tell us very much about the story. Try to tell us some information in the description along with the scene from the story. It also doesn't make sense slightly. The line ’and now you are my wife, then also you went to meet him’ doesn't make sense. ’And now that you are my wife, you still go and meet him’ is better. You also need to make sure you put the comma at the end of speech inside the speech marks -,” instead of ”, - and you need to make sure you have a space between the end of speech and the next word - question,” he growled instead of question”,he growled. Sometimes your sentences are too long and need commas to break them up. Also at times, you use the word ‘and’ too much. Try again to use commas or change the word. The wording of this could be smoother at times and you need to make sure you start a new paragraph when there is a new speaker. Your paragraphs are short and some detail to your descriptions will help with making them longer. It is unclear as to whose point of view the story is in as you haven't introduced the character clearly. You don't need to put *$$*Next day, but actually write that into the story. I'm not sure what ’Mam’ means or if you mean Man. 1 thousand million is 1 billion for your bidding on the mansion bit. Also I think your characters need more to their description as there isn't a lot that can help the reader picture what they look like. Your story does move at a good place, but I think some of your longer chapters could be broken up into smaller ones. The line ’,host yelled through mic’ should be ’the host yelled through the mic’. The settings in the story are not clear and again more detail in the descriptions will help. There is quite a drama-filled story here you just need to look at re-writing it, making it clearer and more immersive for the reader.

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Needs work

The story is very short. The bit with the phone text message could be clearer. There is not a lot of detail of the surroundings or characters which doesn't help immerse the reader. There are no proper paragraphs in the story and you need to start a new paragraph when there is a new speaker. You don't need to worry about swearing, this story does deal with a serious subject so the word ’hell’ isn't shocking. Also, I think you could go into more detail about the feelings and emotions of the characters when it comes to their abuse. They don't come across as 2 people who have been in abusive relationships. You may benefit from reading about real accounts of abusive relationships with writing this story. You don't need the ~5 minutes later~ or ~An hour later~ time skips, you can instead weave the time skip in by saying ’Minutes later’ and you can get rid of the hour one as she is unconscious so therefore won't know how much time has passed. I think their mother calling the police or threatening to do so when their boyfriends turn up at their house would be good and add drama. You need to introduce the princes better and in a smoother way. You also go between past and present tense. Overall, this story is in need of more detail, it needs to be broken up into more chapters, and needs to be edited. I’m sure with some work it will be a sweet story.

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Good

First of all, great title one of the best karaoke break up songs ever. The description is a bit disorientation though because it goes from the narrator and this girl bashing into each other to the rundown of the characters. I would look at that again. It also doesn't make sense at times. The quotes at the start of each chapter are nice. There are a couple of problems with punctuation, C.J., for example, should be either C.J or CJ. Also, her saying she is half Italian half Haitian would be more natural than going into exact percentages. You need to make sure you start a new paragraph when there is a new speaker and there are a couple of times where there is a capital letter where there shouldn't be. You don't need to repeat C.J’s full name at the start of the second chapter, or about her sexuality. You could reveal it in the second chapter when she talks about keeping secrets. You also need to look at the size of your paragraphs, they are too small and some are just sentences on their own. C.J is a loveable character and I think you should push to show more of her character in the story, just make sure you don't repeat yourself. Overall this is a good story that needs fine-tuning but has a dramatic plot with emotion.

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Needs work but could be brilliant

Your description is nice, straight to the point and clear. Right away though in the first part you have no proper paragraph structure and instead have lots of sentences. Also, you don't need to put Chase’s pov as you introduce him in first person so maybe change it to just Chase or put Chase’s name next to the chapter. You tell us too many things at once, show us the things instead. I don't think a guy and a girl of 15/16 at an expensive private school would be sharing a dorm, it would make more sense if they had a hall or a floor to share with others and their rooms were next to each other. Also, there is not much description here, I would add more to help set the scene and give the story more meat. You also don't need to repeat the description of Amelia’s appearance in the second chapter. I think you should make her first day at school closer to when the new school usually starts in September instead of in December. Some of the lines like ’for being a guy Chase was tall’ doesn't make much sense, a guy his age may be as if he is 15/16 he is still growing. Her crashing into both Chase and Jackie is repetitive, maybe have her meet one of them in a different them. Chase seems to have anger issues and is violent to people, women especially. Him going to hit women including Amelia and hitting her friend is worrying. This isn't romantic or ok or how you start healthy relationships. Even if he does have problems from what happened to him this is no excuse and Amelia should not be the one who has to ’fix’ this as a lot of the women in these stories have to do. It is good to see that Amelia recognises this, but her slapping him and ’playing with fire’ and ’not being scared’ is not right. She should be afraid of violent people, she should defend her friend but she should also to get teachers or the police. Just because he stopped some mean girls from bullying her doesn't mean he is nice either and all is forbidden. There are times where you made mistakes such as capital letters where they shouldn't be and where you miss important punctuation. It also doesn't make sense that he's ’dated’ a lot of girls but not kissed any of them neither does her not going to the hospital after nearly drowning. I did like the bit of 4th wall breaking in the chapter through Jackie’s point of view. Her fighting April came a bit out of no where, she should be made at Chase for beating her up. What is up with her being some kind of creature or having power? That could be interesting but you need to weave it into the story better. You need to really rethink the plot of this story so that it makes more sense and also is more original. You can make this brilliant though you just have to work at it.

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A wonderful read

As a mythology nerd, I saw this and grinned right away. The clever use of Egyptian myth and bits of Arthurian legend is awesome. The opening line if the description gets a chuckle out of the reader and sets the tone well. I would change Enyo to former friend or ex-friend as he imprisoned her and destroyed the rest of her life.

Good opening to the story, your descriptions are good and your sentences aren't too long or short. Right away we learn about Algea’s character, but I feel that bit does drag a little bit. In the second part, should barbecue not be barbecues unless she is talking about the sauce? I like barbecue sauce and that made me want it. Your paragraph sizes are a little mixed, some are too small, some too big, so I'd look at those again.

Love that you featured Ammit’s children, and the fact you got her appearance bang on shows you did your research! Make sure you use capital letters for their name though. I loved also that you featured that the victim’s bodies don't get mummified being the worst thing. It further ties this to times and traditions of Ancient Egypt and is just a nice little touch.

There are a couple of times where you don’t start a new line where there is a new speaker in a couple of chapters. The description of the guards is a little fuzzy and I’d look it over again just so the reader can distinguish the two easier. Seth’s character is well set up, and him freaking out over magic is funny. Love that he’s not the typical big strong hero that Algea doesn’t become the damsel in distress for.

There are a couple of times where more descriptive words would help make things more detailed here and there in chapter 3. I love how you go back and forth between the two povs of the characters so well and I have to say that yes this story does have some similarities in how it uses mythology like the Percy Jackson books, it is by no means a rip off (saying this incase someone says that it is, there will always be one sadly but it is completely untrue). In fact fans of that will love this! The story progress well and moves at just the right pace. A brilliant read!

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Good idea but needs work

The idea of the story is both sweet and interesting and definitely keeps the reader’s attention. I love Audra’s character too. I feel though you could do more to make Colton’s feeling for her a bit more believable other than ‘she’s different’. Your paragraph lay out needs work. Remember to start a new paragraph when someone speaks and to not add the speech on at the end. Also there are times when the names of Colton’s friends are changed which is confusing and you need to fix your tenses as there are times you go between past and presence. Your descriptions were good too clean clear and not too length.👍🏻

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Good but needs work

The story moves at a good place but there are many grammar problems with it as well as punctuation. Look at your paragraph lay out too they are too small. Try adding more to the descriptions and try to start sentences where Stella is doing something with something other that ’I’. Good start though.

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Good

Excellent descriptions and interesting characters. The story does have a bit of an Arthurian legend feel to it which I liked. I would say not to start the summary with a quote and to maybe look at your paragraphs again as they are a bit all over the place in terms of layout.

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Amazing!

Really interesting story that grips the reader’s attention! There are a few typos, grammar and punctuation mistakes that need to be fixed, and it is a little long so maybe break the story up into a few parts. Good job though!

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Great

The idea for the story is interesting and the first chapter is really engaging. It moves to fast though in the next chapters and they are way too long. Slow things down. Also you need to develop the relationships between Serenity and her new friends, they are moving way too fast. I do like her personality though and gritty zero fs given attitude. There needs to be more descriptive in the characters other than hair, body and eyes. And you repeated Serenity admiring Ryder’s eyes in chapter 2. Try not to do that as it feels forced. As well as that there are many typos, grammar, punctuation and layout problems that you should look at. Lastly, great idea keep working at it!

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Wonderful

This story’s world, layout and society is set up excellently. The mysterious dream in the opening is one that gets used a lot, maybe a little bit more to that in the description of the dream could help it stand out even more? The story does move at a slower pace, but the building of the world and introduction of the main character and the story itself being told makes up for it. Keep it up!

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Excellent

Great setting, great intro! Really gets the reader hooked! A good read for those who like Kpop ad gang AU stories. I think you could maybe describe some of the other characters a little bit more. Keep it up!

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Good idea, but needs a lot of work

There are a lot of grammar and punctuation mistakes that need to be tied up. You should also make the story parts longer. Make them more descriptive, Add more development to Mary's character and to her relationship with Dean as the story goes on. It is a high school romance so don't be afraid to add more fluffy romantic moments, but let the romance build over time.

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Good!

Very good description and opening to the story, it really keeps the reader's attention, but there are many places were there are punctuation errors, capital letters where there shouldn't be, and the paragraphs are a little short at times. Good job though! Keep it up!

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Good start

It starts off well moving at a very steady pace, the two characters are very distinct and you have the history and lore is this universe laid out clearly. There are however times we're the wording of things could be changed go make smoother. Some words could be changed, some removed all together. There are also some little grammar errors. Good start though!

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Good start write more!

I would put the warnings and info about the story at the end of the description as it can be off putting for some readers and I find it's better to get to the description if the story. ’Under wraps’ I think should be unwraps. It is a very good description though, dramatic. You need to start a new paragraph when there is a new speaker. The speech ‘Ah I see. I get it,,’ had a mistake with the extra comma but it’s nothing terrible. I hope you write more of this story because it was a brilliant start. Well done!

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Good idea but needs work

The title made me think of that Cher song, so points there 👍🏻. The quotes in the description are mysterious, but I think you could give a little more detail about the story like the main characters. I know this is an until dawn story but a little bit of info would help set things up. You seemed to repeat them being let inside in the first chapter saying ’everyone was finally inside’ in the first paragraph then ’I opened the door letting everyone inside’ in the second paragraph. You need to make sure you start a new paragraph for a new speaker and you need to make sure you start speech with a capital letter. I feel like you need to introduce your own character a bit better. The pacing is good, but the descriptions would be better and help the reader image the scene better with some more details. Loved Vanessa going off on Jess and Emily. I think you need to set up the story of your own character better too as the bit with her little sister and dad felt a bit shoehorned in. Take the time to set up Vanessa first before you get to the story of the game. Also in the chapter Aftermath the line ’Such lovely bed wear to wake up to’ would be better as ’Such lovely things to wake up in’ or ’Such lovely bear wear to wake up in’ or ’Such a lovely way to wake up in’. This has the potential to be a great fan fiction though, a unique idea.

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Good read

The cover is pretty, but it gives me more of a spy story impression. The description sets up things well but it is too long, a little repetitive in word choice, and few things could be changed to make it shorter. I would change NY city to NYC. The line ’coming back home won't be as simple’ I think could flow better by changing it to ’That won't be as simple as they’d hoped’. Also changing the description of Kylie to ’the young and wild beauty’ I feel works better. As well as this changing ’She’s still wild and even more trouble than she was when they left her. There’s an even bigger problem.’ to ’Now even more of a handful than when they left her, she brings one massive problem with her’. Like I said though things are set up well and I love that we are starting from Kylie’s point of view. It's refreshing. You left a very big space between ’Kylie’s POV’ and the first paragraph, but that could just be Inkitt’s layout. Your detail is excellent, paragraphs are a good size, and your grammar and punctuation is good. Starting a sentence with the word and twice in a row is a bit repetitive and I’d change it. Your sudden change to Jackson’s point of view I think would be better as a new chapter. The line ’if we can get as good business here as we do in Los Angeles, we are never going to worry about another thing’ would be smoother as ’if we can get business here as good as we get it in Los Angeles, we’ll never have to worry about another thing ever again’. You set up Jackson’s character well. ’friends of the Murphy’s’ would work better as the ’friends of the Murphy family’. I would get rid of the ’---’ in the second chapter, you don't need it as you progress time fine with the start of the new paragraph. Your chapter size is all over the place and I think defiantly needs to be reconsidered. Your pacing of the story is good though and the cliff hangers keep the reader hooked. A good read.

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Very emotional

The cover looks nice, but I would get rid of the text that isn't your name or the title. The description sets the story up very well and you can this is going to be a heavy and emotional story. The opening is quite shocking, and you really capture the pain and emotions of the situation. The speech at the start I think should be one sentence, and your paragraphs are a little small but some more bits of detail may help here and there. Also, and this could just be the way of Inkitt’s layout, there are times where there are some sentences in paragraphs that you seemed to have pressed enter before you started a new one.
Like I have done with this lin for example which makes the layout odd.
I have done the same with this line and I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a new paragraph, or if the line is supposed to be on its on own or if it was just a typo or if it is Inkitt’s layout. There are times where you miss punctuation like at the end of speech before speech marks or it doesn't look quite right. In the chapter The House, she hushed herself...Her body slowly relaxing, is an example of this. I would put either a semi-colon or a comma. Sometimes you use too many commas and sentences would be fine with just the one or would even work better split into smaller sentences. You also repeated in a very short space of time ’she sighed’ - I would change that to a tut or a groan. As well as paragraphs being too small at times there are some that are too long. Kid’s should be kids, and don’’t should be don't. There also one or two times where you didn't start a line or speech with a capital letter. Your descriptions are very vivid and keep the grim tone of this story too. The description of your characters are excellent too, love the attention to detail. The story deals not only with domestic abuse, insecurities mothers often have after giving birth about their bodies and even eating problems in an excellent unashamed way that I know many readers will relate to and be affected by. The reader will feel so sorry for Rhea but also be surprised by how strong she is. I think the reader would benefit known when and where the story is set which I'm sure you can easily give somewhere in start of the story.

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Good short horror read

The description is excellent, intriguing, spooky, doesn't give too much away, and make the reader wonder what ’it’ is. You don't need to put (inner thoughts), instead weave it into the story by saying he thought after his thought in italic, and combined the two lines into one paragraph. Your description of the house is clear, but is it a house or a cabin? I would ditch the brackets, and add more detail to the build up to the vacuum turning on. You need to make sure you start a new line for a new speaker. The cliff hanger at the end of the first chapter was good but I think you should build up the suspense more. I love that he actually armed himself! He did something sensible! The ending was unexpected, but it was rushed. The story would benefit from more detail. It is a good horror read though.

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Emotional but needs editing

I love the coffee themed description and it really makes the reader chuckle a little bit and curious. Don’t put the warning in about your writing be ‘shitty’ believe in yourself! Also you don’t need to repeat the warning about graphic content in the description and the first chapter. Have it in just one. Your paragraph structure could be better, you just have lines on their own when they would be better in paragraph, but make sure they aren’t too large. The opening is interesting though, a nice inner dialogue from Althea. Your grammar and spelling is good, but you have a lot punctuation mistakes, especially with apostrophes. You do get a good feel for the heartache and pain Althea has been through though since the first chapter. There are a couple of times where you didn’t start a new line for a new speaker. There is a lot of emotion in this story, but the lay out and few mistakes make it not a smooth read and less enjoyable. I love that this is not the typical romance story and that it has some real life experiences in it, very brave of you to do this. Also for your author’s note, it’s likes on Inkitt not votes lol. I think you should put some of the things you said in that note into the description to really help tease the reader. Overall this is a heart breaking story that will make the reader really cry, (I teared up a little towards the end of chapter 1) but it needs to be edited.

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Good read

The summary/description is gripping, a few extra spaces and sentences are a little long. The opening and set up of the story is very clear but there are times where you put detail in that isn’t needed. The horses being muscular for example, the reader can put that together going off the fact they are pulling a carriage. Throughout there are a couple of paragraphs that are too short, single sentences on their own that should be in paragraphs and sentences that need breaking up. You also didn’t start a new line for when someone new is speaking quite a few times. The language in this is very sophisticated and feels perfect for the place this is set in. The whole mystery of what Sophie’s curse/charm is and the plot is very interesting and the pacing of the story means the reader doesn’t get bored or confused. I would get rid of using the hyphens too and either use full stop or semicolons. In the chapter titled ’the collection’ you missed the space between Malume and Academy so it is ’MalumeAcademy’. You repeated yourself about Faren’s hair after Sophie learns he is also charmed, this isn't needed. The line: ’how difficult it would be to be forced into servitude by your own uncle’ dips into 2rd person, but this can be fixed by changing your to his. In the first couple of paragraphs in the chapter the journey, you start sentences with Sophie too much, you only need it once or twice and not as much as you have done, it gets repetitive. I liked Harlan and you introduced him well. I think when he says in the chapter the third ’I knew I smelled smog’ would be better if you changed smelled to smelt. Overall this is very interesting read with a good setting and good characters, it just needs to be edited a bit.

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Unique but needs work

Review notes
MyYour description is greatly lacking important punctuation which makes it hard to read and can put readers off. There is no need for the world gathering to be in all capitals throughout the story too. The first paragraph in the prologue is an awkward opening and the second paragraph would work better. Your sentences are quite long and could be broken up into shorter snappier ones to make the story flow better. The prologue being cut short then the next chapter introducing Sam would work better as it is awkward to just introduce while explaining the world the story is set in. You could introduce Sam first then have her explain the world instead. Letting the reader know what century this story or time period would help set the scene too as it is unclear. The idea for this story though is very cool, dragon shifters aren't common and it is clear this world is intense for a female to live in. I don't think I have seen one before. You need to show the reader more things instead of telling the reader, especially with what happens with the gathering process. Your paragraphs are a bit all over the place, look at the layout of them again, some are too long and some are to short. The story could benefit from more dialogue too. Overall this story is unique idea but needs editing.

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Dramatic to say the least

The description sets up the story very well and gives us a good run down of the characters. You can also tell right away this is going to be a serious and heavy read but the whole thing wasn’t given away. The show of friendship and mutual respect and tolerance between very different people is always good to see especially considering the time this is set in what is going on in the world, but that does make this story even harder to read and makes the reader a little anxious in a good way over what is going to happen. In the first chapter, the line about him pulling up to his street at 10:30 am I think could be the start of the second paragraph, which could also be broken up into 2 and the line about him arriving at Ismael’s parents’ house could be added onto the end of it. Your paragraphs layout could be changed so that they are not broken up too much, but of course don't make them too long as the one after Khadija speaks is too long. Your descriptions are beautiful though, very clear. There are a few times where you didn't start a new line when someone new speaks. There are also times where you seemed to have pressed enter an extra time when starting a new paragraph, but that could just be the way Inkitt makes it look. The amount of detail in this story sets it up perfectly and you really are immersed into the story. This is however an excellent and dramatic read.

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Good idea

Review nThe description could do with a little bit more detail, but I do like shorter descriptions that don't give too much away. You need to start the first word of the first sentence in the description with a capital letter as well as the chapters titles. Some are written in lower case, one or two are in upper case, choose one so that it is all neat. Your opening would benefit with more detail as, describe the scene more, tell us a bit more about Caleb, Bryan and Bart. Also, your paragraphs are too short but adding more detail will fix that and having longer chapters will give the story more meat to it. You need to make sure you start a new paragraph when a new person is speaking too. There are times when you go between 1st person and 3rd person. I think personally that 1st person would suit this story better but it's up to you, just make sure it is one or the other. The mistakes in this story make it difficult to read and not as enjoyable as it could be so I would work on those because there is an interesting story here. Also, you have elements called sky, wind and air, they are very much the same thing so maybe replace one with fire and earth? And the sea is not an element of water is. This is a really good idea though but it just needs to be fine-tuned and it'll do excellent.

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Interesting but needs work

Straight away your description grips the reader, but I’m not sure if a woman in the 18th century would be called Ellie, it’s very informal unless it is a nickname for Eleanor or Elizabeth. You need to make sure you write her name as Ms Norway and that you start the first sentence with The bell and not bell as it makes more sense and just bell on its own is a bit abrupt. There are problems with punctuation and your paragraphs sizes are a bit all over either they are are a little small or too long, and you need to make sure you start a new one when someone speaks and use capital letters at the start of speech. Ms Norway right away is set up to be terrifying in a great way. I do think the start of the next paragraph of chapter 1 needs to be changed and you say that either Samantha is either 17 years or a young girl and not both because that is telling us the same information twice which isn't needed, and you need to be careful of your tenses as you go between 1st and 3rd a few times. You do not need to put ’as’ before saying someone has spoken like ’as she said’ or ’as he replied’, just ’she said’ or ’he said’. The mistakes in this story do make it difficult to read, but the actual story itself is good, but I would like to learn a bit more about the characters like Samantha and Ms Norway, and why they are where they are. I also think you would benefit doing some research into what New England was like in the time it is set in just to help with setting the scene as well as attitudes and ’treatment’ towards and for the those with mental health issues at the time. I think your chapters would be better if they were broken up into smaller ones also. This is a saddening story that makes the reader feel much sympathy for Lily and the other characters, and it is also one that strikes fear into the reader because of Ms Norway. Keep working at it!

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Lovely but needs work

The story is set up well, but description is a little too lengthy. It is well written, clear and your grammar and punctuation is great. However in the rest of the story there are many times where punctuation, especially around speech, is not so good. Sometimes your sentence are too short, and they could be put with other sentences to make things flow better. You also really feel the emotions for Roulette while she is looking at the photos, but also in the first chapter your paragraph sizes are a bit all over and small ones could be put together to make bigger paragraphs. There are a couple of times where you didn't start a new paragraph when there is a new speaker too. The first chapter did well at setting up the sad tone of the story, and your description of Roulette’s appearance had just the right amount of detail. The second chapter opens well and again has good descriptions, but I think the line at the end of the first paragraph ’they didn't make their citizens feel closed in or claustrophobic’ needs to be changed as they mean pretty much the same thing. ’they didn't make their citizens feel packed together like sardines in a can’ or ’they didn't make their citizens feel like workers on a busy train during the morning commute’ could work better. Also I think ’Kayalin took more and more control of her parents job’ needs to be changed because it doesn’t make sense, did you mean her parents’ business? Sometimes you do go back and forth between 1st and 3rd person, it is only a couple of times and can be easily fixed though. The introduction of Wyatt and his appearance description was excellent and the story’s pacing is good. In chapter four you do convey the pressure and emotions she feels well, but I think the flowers in the painting would be better if they were a different colour to red as both them and the hand are a shade of red and it does not when you think about it seem to stand out as much. Also what is it that this painting means to Roulette? Over all though this is a good and unique read that just needs to be neatened up and will do wonderfully, a romance like this stands out and will be enjoyed by a lot of people who want a romance that does just that. Well done.

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Good but needs work

Your description is short and sweet, but I would add a little more detail, like names of other characters perhaps, and I would get rid of the ’-’ around ’well jaws’ and change them to commas. You use ’...’ too much, I would change some of them to commas. Also in chapter 1, Myra switching to her inhuman sense of hearing doesn't quite fit. Her using her powerful sense of hearing she had makes more sense or something similar. The paragraphs are too small, group them together more and make sure you start a new one when someone new is speaking. You did set up Myra and Megan’s friendship excellently though and the dialogue between them was fun. Sloan is well set up too, but again the paragraphs in chapter two are too small. I think you could add more description to the characters looks, their feelings and the setting to help make them better, really hone in on those things to make the story even better. There are a couple of times where the gap between two paragraphs is too big like you pressed the enter key an extra time and it makes the layout look odd, but that could be the way Inkitt publishing so nothing too major to worry about. I do love the food scene with Myra and her sister, again their relationship is set up well. There are also times where you need exclamation marks in speech, especially when Myra is getting disgusted at what her sister did with the pickles. Overall this is a solid story that moves at a good pace and is a good read for those who love werewolf/shifter stories.

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An intense and excellent read

The description is interesting, but the first paragraph I think needs to be recorded to flow better. I think the sentence ’spiraling Fae’s mind into a bottomless pit of hurt and confusion’ also needs to be changed to ’spiralling Fae into a bottomless pit of pain, fear and confusion’. Also, be careful of spelling mistakes, and that you start a new sentence when someone speaks, but that last one only happens a couple of times and your punctuation is great, but sometimes you miss a bit of important stuff. The start of chapter 3 for example, 2 line, sisters should be sister’s. But it is pretty good overall. I do like the quote at the start and the use of onomatopoeia with bam! The rapid fast-moving high tension pace of the abduction is set up brilliantly and you really get a sense of the urgency. Your paragraphs are a little small sometimes though, I get that having them in small chunks can help with the tension and urgency like I said before but sometimes they could be grouped together a bit better. The line ’Disary scatters her head’ is awesome, but I think ’scatters through her head’ would be better. You convey the emotions of the characters really well I must say, nice one! Your fight scenes are good and I think your chapters are just the right size for this too, it keeps things moving and keeps the reader interested, but I also think you need to organise the titles of the chapters. Are you going to have numbers and names or just numbers? And make sure they are the same text just so everything is neat there. Fae is a strong character, and her reacting like she did to her sister’s betrayal is actually quite believable, and that she would be feeling so low that she wishes for death, but I do also love that she is still a fighter and tries to run. I was saying ’RUUUUUN!’ thought-out. Anyone would be in shock if their sibling did that. Also, Alison is the worst sister ever, no confusion there, but I think a little bit more information on what she did to her rich boyfriend would be good for the reader. Victor is giving me Massimo for 365 days creeper vibes turned up to 100, and his appearance, as well as Fae’s, are very distinct. This story is not what you’d expect it to be going off the title and cover which is awesome and I hope everyone who comes across this intense and descriptive story gives it a read that will keep them on the edge of their seat!

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Brilliant stuff

Your description is gripping but could be worded better to flow better and maybe make it a little shorter and put some of the information in the actual story. A sentence in the first chapter after Jason sticks up for Ellie that is too long and uses too much punctuation. I would break it up into smaller sentence. The rest of your lines are fine though. The subtle things like growling and eyes changing are good, makes the reader curious. The paragraph is a little small, maybe group them together a bit more, and make sure you always start a new paragraph when someone speaks, but the layout overall is good. Sometimes you also have a lowercase letter at the start of speech that needs to be a capital letter. You do get a real feel of Elle’s crush and her teen fantasies, and your descriptions are very good, just the right amount of detail. I would get rid of the -- though and use descriptive words, it seemed a bit odd to have that. This story however is a fresh take on teen romance with hints of mystery and fantasy that will keep any reader hooked, and your cover is gorgeous. Keep working at it!

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An emotional story of young love

This is a story that stems from a catastrophic event that shatters lives, and caused love to be found in an unlikely place. The description itself I felt was a little long but still set up the story well. Your paragraphs are a little bit short, but only by a couple of lines nothing major.

There are one or two times where you don't use the proper punctuation at the end of speech. Right away you get a truly heartbreaking understanding of the pain Amelia has been through. Anyone who has been to a funeral can really feel the emotion and relate to it in the description of Amelia’s boyfriend’s funeral. I do relate myself to how supportive and strong Nick is to her, and that along with his nickname ‘Mel’ is a clever way you have shown their closeness.

You can also understand why she feels so conflicted about her feelings for Nick, she is very emotional in the story and has been through a lot which makes it very believable, but also understand why she is finding solitude in him as no one else is supporting her or is there for her. I think you should get rid of the POV and just keep the name after each chapter number, it worked for Malorie Blackman and countless others.

Also, I would make sure the font is the same for all the chapter names just for the sake of being consistent. In chapter 2 there is oooone lonely little lowercase ’I’ that needs to be capital and towards the end, you need to start a new paragraph for the bit of speech. Nick’s thoughts on love and relationships and girls liking bad boys are very typical for a teenaged boy and almost comical at how obvious he is.

In chapter 3 there is some confusion about Amelia addressing her mother. She calls her Mom, Mum and Mother in a short space of time. Is she American or from another country that uses Mom or British or from another country that uses Mum? This being established will also help set the scene better for the reader.

In chapter 4 there is a typo with Nick’s name. I feel at times it would be good for the characters to share why Kellen did what he did. The fact that Kellen doesn't know how mean Amelia’s parents are does make the reader question how strong their relationship was. I think that should be changed as the minor detail will show their relationship’s strength and make how much his death has affected her to make sense.

I know this story is about Amelia and Nick but I think that small detail is important. The pave is very good and doesn't drag on which stories with a lot of emotion in them like this can risk doing. The flashback I think would work on its own chapter and would be made even better with a bit more to the descriptions. Overall this is a romance that stands out and is a lovely yet heartbreaking read.

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Good

Your description is attention-grabbing but the puncturion needs work and sentences need to be looked at again as they are too long in places. As a myth and legend fan/nerd, the mention of King Arthur made me smile. The description to me does give too much detail away, keep some secrets for later on in the book. The opening is interesting, a classic that reminds me of the Princess Bride. However, you need to add who is speaking where more after lines of speech as it can get a little confusing, and add some detail to what else is going on in the setting around the characters. There is a bit where you dip into first person then go back to third person too. You miss capital letters for Mars and need to add commas to your sentences as they are stretched too long or break them up into shorter sentences. Also are you giving names to your chapters or just numbers? Having ‘Chapter 1 Opening Day’ and the rest just ‘Chapter 2’ etc looks messy. The story does flow well and moves at a good pace, keep it up!

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Good

The description is a little long, but it definitely presents the story as not what you’d expect. I’d leave some stuff out to make it more mysterious. There are times where your sentences could be broken up with commas, and your tenses are muddled up sometimes. You could use commas instead of hyphens too as they are used too much. Sometimes you could put sentences together, ‘I searched the room again, more thoroughly this time’ in the prologue is one example of this. Your descriptions could be made better with a touch more detail, but they are still very good. Lastly, I would focus more on the spooky supernatural stuff that is going on with the story as it is at risk of being lost to the romance part.

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Brilliant

First things first you don't need to put the summary in the first chapter, I love that it is short and sweet but maybe add a little more detail. Also you miss important punctuation, and there are no proper paragraphs. There are just sentences which need to be put together into paragraphs to improve the layout. The way you described Asna’s parents contradicts too as first you say they are chilled but then you say her mother is strict. Your descriptions are good but I think they could have a bit more detail. The passion and sexy bits are hot though and I like that she is asking him out, it is refreshing. Keep it up!

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It's a sweet idea but it needs work

The story opens well and we learn a lot about Gia. Her new love develops well and it has parts that are not the typical teen love tale. But there are problems with punctuation and grammar as well as with sentence structure and there are times where sentences don't make sense completely. Keep working at it though 🖤

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Very good

This story’s main character Heidi is a very strong one, and it is clear she is a hard-working and successful woman. However, the story itself needs work. There are problems with grammar, tenses and also the wording of senses in some places don't make sense. Also your paragraphs are far too short and need to be added to by either more descriptions or by combining paragraphs.

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Good

It's a classic story of two outsiders finding each other. Lovely read, but the paragraphs were too short and a few problems with tenses.

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Very good but needs work

The opening of this story really grabs the reader and the mystery of what happens in the place it is set in keeps that fascination going. It goes along well with the main plot with the main characters. However, it is hard for the reader to really enjoy the story due to all the mistakes. There were countless problems with punctuation being we're it shouldn’t, lots of places where spaces should have been but weren't, and also capital letters missing where they should have been. You need to look at your paragraph layout also as it doesn't flow well and there are many places you didn't start a new paragraph when someone was speaking when you should have. Sort this all out and I guarantee it will be much better for the reader.

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Very sweet

This story has everything for a romantic story in a beautiful setting, and it is a believable story too. One thing I would say is look over your sentences a bit as they could flow smoother. Great story though.

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Sensational!

First of all so sorry for not doing this review for so long. I am a terrible reader...

But I must say this story was sensational! Absolutely sensational! The drama, passion, loved it all! The characters are all unique and believable, the world that is set up with the fantasy lores is carefully and clearly done. I also love and appreciate that you kept a lot of the parts of the traditional vampire lore but also made a few changes that made it believeable but not too many so that they are no longer vampires. I do also love the ghost family and the development of Victoria and Henry’s relationship is captivating. The only think I personally didn't like occasionally was that the story went a little bit too slowly for me. But apart from that it was brilliant! Hope it does great 👍🏻

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A relateable story but it needs work

Many, many, mistakes with grammar and punctuation, lower case I where there shouldn't be, spaces where there shouldn't be. Also your descriptions of the setting and characters aren't good which makes the story chapters extremely short. It is a good idea many people can relate to.

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Excellent idea but needs work

Good idea filled with mystery, but you need to look at the wording of a lot of the sentences. Many are awkward and sometimes there is past and present these. Also your paragraphs are not laid out well. Excellent idea though keep it up

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Needs work.

Although it is a sweet idea, the writing itself makes that story be lost. There are many punctuation mistakes, spaces where there shouldn't be, lower case Is when there should be capital Is. The story could be longer and moves too short, even short stories aren't this short. Also your descriptions could be more detailed to help make it longer. It is sweet though.

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Fabulous read for fantasy fans

An action pack book from start to finish with loveable badass characters. The supernatural side of it was brilliant with all the powers, and the plot was brill. At times the story could move a bit faster and the descriptions could be cut a little short to help that, and there a couple of minor grammar typos but nothing major. Also your paragraphs are a bit small, you could bunch them together a few times. But apart from that I loved it, so sorry it too me so long to do this review but I had the day off worked and read through it finally.

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Interesting idea but it needs work

The tribe are well ser up and plot moves well. Paragraphs are a but all over the place so maybe group them together better. Also there are problems with punctuation and spaces being where they shouldn't. You should try to set up the location though earlier on and your sentences at times are too short and could be worded better. Good start though.

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Needs work

There is no proper punctuation in this story which makes it hard to follow, also the lay out of it makes it feel more like a script than a story. If that is the case you need to get the proper punctuation and descriptions for a script in there. The descriptions themselves don’t give the reader much, but there were no spelling mistakes and your paragraphs weren’t too big, but sometimes they were too small. The relationship between Jake and Maria doesn’t seem good but also it needs to be set up more too for the reader, and show it through their actions don’t just tell the reader what they do.

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Good start but needs work

The story moves at a very fast pace, it is difficult for the read to keep up. Add more description to the characters and the setting. Also there are a lot of grammar mistakes, and your first part just says ’start writing here’. It is an interesting idea though and your description does have a mysterious feel that draws the reader in. Get rid of the emojis though they are distracting. Good start though 👍🏻

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Good start but needs work

You need to add more to the descriptions. Talk about their appearance more, what is around them etc. Also, the many POV changes in such a short time are disorientating you need to pick on character for this chapter then move on to another character in the next part. The suspense opening was good though, and your spelling and grammar was good except for a few little typos here and there.

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Good but needs work

Lots of grammar and punctuation problems that need fixing. Ella does come across as a strong girl but you need to describe her appearance better as well as the scene around her. The dialogue between her Aiden could be a bit more playful, it’ll make things more interesting between them.

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Amazing!

This story well written. It moves at just the right pace, there is drama, passion, and tension you could cut with a knife. Just fix the odd grammar and typo mistakes, maybe look at the word ordered and paragraph layout and it will be perfect. Maybe add a little bit more description to the characters too. I love the line 'London is different than Los Angeles. It is colder. But for me it is definitely warmer than the icy cold American dream.'

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Brilliant!

A spooky tale indeed. Loved the atmosphere! There are a lot of punctuation mistakes and the odd typo but nothing major. Well done!

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Gripping!

Oh, nelly! This is one story that keeps the reader gripped! The mystery around Elizabeth and her dangerous and obsessive admirer. There are times however where semi-colons are being used when they shouldn't and times where they are used too much. There are paragraphs that are too small, some sentences are too long and need to be broken up to be snappier, and the layout is a bit all over the place. Also, this line 'Midnight curls clung to the arch of her pale neck' that I think needs to be changed. Not sure what you are trying to say here. The line in the description, 'threatens to shatter her broken heart' I think needs to be changed to sometime more like 'threatens to shatter what is left of her already decimated heart' I do love the use of Latin and the quotes in the story. You really understand what Elizabeth feels when she finds the body! Keep it up!

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Fabulous

This story is a good read for those wanting drama and passion.

Plot - The tragedy of Alena husband is heartbreaking and discovering that he was murdered is a shock. It is interesting to see this kind of story where the woman is in charge instead of the man. Good to have a mistress! However, I think that it is rushed. There needs to be more of a build-up of tension to keep the reader gripped. I know it is erotica, but it does make me a bit confused that Alena who is supposed to be still struggling with the death of her husband suddenly jumping on Quentin. The part where she says her husband's name instead is tragic, but it needs to be built up more. Yes, she is kind, but there is no way she should be making out with him in seconds. She should be being a little cold with him before she thaws out by passion. Build it up! Tease the reader more!

Characters - Alena is sweet. You can see she is truly broken-hearted by her loss and crying out for love. It is clear Quentin has been through some hardships also and needs love too. Jonathan, I am suspicious of, I think we need to know a little more about him.

Setting - The setting of this story is blurry. It is not at all clear what time period this story is set in. At first, going off the way Alena speaks you may think it is the turn of the century, but then you learn of modern technology which makes it unclear. The society around her with the rich people and bodyguards and the black market makes you wonder if it set in some kind of dystopian future. Also there are times where there could be more description for the setting just to help the reader picture the world the story is set in.

Grammar + Punctuation - Perfect.

Writing style - I feel there are times where you need to look at the layout of sentences to help them flow better. Some are too long and need to be broken up, others need to be changed to flow better and fit in with the whole of the paragraph better, Also there are times were some paragraphs are too small and could be brought together with other paragraphs.

Intro/Description thing - It needs to tell the reader a little more. Alena's full name, other stuff the black market sells, whereabouts in the world the farm and the story is set. Also the wording of the intro needs to be looked at again. It goes from talking about Alena's sister-in-law to the farm which feels shoe-horned in awkwardly.

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Great start

Short, attention-grabbing and filled with a mysterious mood that is a great start to this story. Keep it up!

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Good

The passion, romance and feel is there, but there are grammar mistakes, typos, and punctuation problems that need fixing.

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Good start!

The relationship between Sam and Ash is brilliant and the intro to this story is strong. However, there are times were words are missing and sentences need to be rearranged to make the story flow better. Great start though!

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Brilliant!

Well, things escalate quickly meaning the reader will not at all be bored! Loved the use of the dream that repeated, really created mystery and intrigue. Just need some tying up, grammar, tenses, maybe look at the wording of sentences, but keep it up!

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Real potential but it needs work.

This is a story that has clearly been thought out, it is a fast-moving plot that keeps the reader’s interest, however in order for the reader to really get into it I think there needs to be work done on the following:
World building, don't give everything away right away but epic fantasy stories do need the right set up.
Grammar, punctuation and uses of tenses. The lack of speech marks can make things confusing but if you are wanting to write in the style of a script that does make more sense.
Character development. We don't need to know all the names of the knights right away, but if they are key to this voyage they do all need to be distinct, as does the king and prince. Give them brief descriptions on their appearances to help the reader imagine the story in their mind.

Apart from that it is brilliant with excellent potential, keep it up!

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Good one for Twilight Fans

Just want to say to start with that although I am not a twilight fan and find it problematic, I will remain open minded for the sake of a fair review swap. The description is good, to the point yet doesn’t give too much away about the plot. You don’t need the disclaimer bit there though save that for the first part. Your paragraphs are a little short, try grouping them together more but be careful not to make them too long. In chapter 1, sage-green paint smell doesn't feel right. Paint doesn't smell of sage, it smells of chemicals, and that's how that line comes across. You also need to make sure you start a new paragraph where someone new speaks. The being in love with her brother’s best friend idea is a sweet one, and the idea of him being a boxer is cool. Their love does progress at a good pace and is interesting to read so keep it up.

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Fab!

It's sweet and passionate, but I think you could build on that passion a lot more. I love how they meet, and how crazy his wolf titan went. There are many little punctuation mistakes that need to be tied up. Fantastic though!

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