An intense and excellent read
The description is interesting, but the first paragraph I think needs to be recorded to flow better. I think the sentence ’spiraling Fae’s mind into a bottomless pit of hurt and confusion’ also needs to be changed to ’spiralling Fae into a bottomless pit of pain, fear and confusion’. Also, be careful of spelling mistakes, and that you start a new sentence when someone speaks, but that last one only happens a couple of times and your punctuation is great, but sometimes you miss a bit of important stuff. The start of chapter 3 for example, 2 line, sisters should be sister’s. But it is pretty good overall. I do like the quote at the start and the use of onomatopoeia with bam! The rapid fast-moving high tension pace of the abduction is set up brilliantly and you really get a sense of the urgency. Your paragraphs are a little small sometimes though, I get that having them in small chunks can help with the tension and urgency like I said before but sometimes they could be grouped together a bit better. The line ’Disary scatters her head’ is awesome, but I think ’scatters through her head’ would be better. You convey the emotions of the characters really well I must say, nice one! Your fight scenes are good and I think your chapters are just the right size for this too, it keeps things moving and keeps the reader interested, but I also think you need to organise the titles of the chapters. Are you going to have numbers and names or just numbers? And make sure they are the same text just so everything is neat there. Fae is a strong character, and her reacting like she did to her sister’s betrayal is actually quite believable, and that she would be feeling so low that she wishes for death, but I do also love that she is still a fighter and tries to run. I was saying ’RUUUUUN!’ thought-out. Anyone would be in shock if their sibling did that. Also, Alison is the worst sister ever, no confusion there, but I think a little bit more information on what she did to her rich boyfriend would be good for the reader. Victor is giving me Massimo for 365 days creeper vibes turned up to 100, and his appearance, as well as Fae’s, are very distinct. This story is not what you’d expect it to be going off the title and cover which is awesome and I hope everyone who comes across this intense and descriptive story gives it a read that will keep them on the edge of their seat!
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