C.L.Brierley

Good

Excellent descriptions and interesting characters. The story does have a bit of an Arthurian legend feel to it which I liked. I would say not to start the summary with a quote and to maybe look at your paragraphs again as they are a bit all over the place in terms of layout.

Very good

Good description, grips the reader and doesn’t give too much away. The way you open it is very distinct and despite there not being a lot of deal still makes to reader fascinated. I would get rid of ‘quiet’ in the line ‘A short pause, like a quiet desert at sun rise.’ because the pause establishes there is silence, and deserts most of the time are silent. ‘A short pause, like a desert at sun rise.’ would fit just that bit better. Your paragraphs are small too, try grouping them together more. You don't need the *** part way through the chapter a few times. Starting a new paragraph can progress things on fine. I like how each story part’s numbers are like that of a digital clock. You used the word swerved in chapter 01:50: vision 2 times at the start, and to me this was repetitive since it is a strong word. Also the 2 lines ‘I rubbed my arms and swerved around the crowd toward the parking lot’ and ‘Glanced up at the sky as I did’ could be combined into 1 line to make it flow better. ‘I rubbed my arms and swerved around the crowd toward the parking lot, glancing up at the sky as I did.’ Toward would be better as towards. T-shirt in the paragraph starting with - “Shit,” I muttered, - needs to have a lowercase t. The relationship between Gaia and Sage is set up well, and so is the chemistry between Gaia and Juniper too. That chemistry is an interesting contrast to what else is going on in the story. I think you could go into that a little more, immerse the reader in it then go back to the mysterious stuff. There are times that I think getting rid of the word ‘and’ because I feel it is getting used too much to connect sentences into longer ones. In the 4th part about half way in there are a few sentences that are like this. ‘He sat in quiet compilation as I talked and the eerily quiet roads whipped by.’ is one of the lines I mean. ‘He sat in quiet compilation as I talked over the eerily silent roads whipping by.’ - changing quiet here too makes it less repetitive. The pacing of this story is very good too, really moves well. The line ‘I flew down the become that deer,’ doesn't make sense but can be easily fixed by changing ‘the’ to ‘to’. This is still an excellent story well done!

Good but needs editing

Review notes - Fated enemies

Cover looks bad ass! The dramatic excerpt from the story in the description shows the dramatic urgency and sets up things well. Comun should be common. You set the scene lovely in the first chapter really immersive opening. The paragraphs however could be separated clearer, but that could just be Inkitt’s layout. The description towards the end of the first paragraph, the words ‘and’ was repeated a lot. Just commas are fine. The idea of vampires and werewolves working together instead of against each other is cool and refreshing. I love the descriptions of the Queen and Arya, so vivid! I think you need more detail around speech such as ‘Alexa replied’ etc. The line starting with ‘the young queen sighed and lifted her hands’ needs a full stop at the end of it. I love also the hints of how this world works while you keep things going between Arya and Alexa and you get over to the reader the seriousness of the predicament they are in. You missed speech marks at the end of the sentence ‘Yes, my Queen! I shall go then!’ Your chapters are a good size. I like the if a pureblood vampire died, all vampires they created become moral feature, that is interesting. But I also think some more explanation into what a pureblood vampire is exactly would benefit the reader here. In chapter 2 ‘he began to grow color’ should be ‘he began to grow colder’. Edwin’s character is well set up and I love the cold vs hot climates between the vampires and werewolves. It further shows the distinct differences between them. There are times I think a little more world-building would benefit, but not too much to give everything away. The paragraph starting with “They are appearing in a way I can not explain” has some problems with punctuation. There are a couple of times in this chapter where lines could be grouped together better as bigger paragraphs. The pacing of your story is very good though. The paragraphs in chapter 4 are very short and strange in the layout. I would look at them again. You need to make sure you start a new line for the first new speaker in that chapter also. There seem to have been a few times in paragraphs in chapter 4 where you pressed enter after your finished a sentence.
I have done it here, and I'm not sure if you were trying to start a new paragraph or if it was Inkitt’s layout, but it needs tidying up. Chapter 5’s paragraphs are better, but you used hyphens instead of speech marks. It would be better as speech marks or even as a normal sentence with ‘she read his thoughts’ back. In chapter 6 you definitely use hyphens instead of speech marks, this needs fixing, but again you keep the story moving well. There are no clear paragraphs either, but again this could just be Inkitt’s layout. Overall this is an interesting adventure story with a detailed world, it just needs editing. Good job!

Very unique

The description right away had me, it was very well written. Your paragraphs and chapter size are all brilliant. There were some mistakes, and one line that didn't make sense though in chapter 1: ‘Is it Jane or mother the same and I am th e’ - not sure what you are trying to say here. Also ‘Where does one go from here and I’m I’ I think should have ‘am I’. Dad’s just after that should be Dad. The end of the line starting with speech ‘How brave you all are’ has speech marks at the end of it even though it's not speech. I think there could be more focus on describing the settings, not too much to take away from the story’s pace but it can help the reader imagine it. The time and place where the story is set will also benefit the reader. Many sentences are too long, but they could easily be broken up with commas or made into multiple shorter ones. At the end of chapter 2, there is a sentence that starts with “When, but there is no other speech marks. Is this a typo or is someone speaking here? In chapter 3: “What reason.”? Should be: “What reason?”. There are a couple of times where that punctuation mistake is made. Chapter 3 also needs more detail about who is speaking as it gets confusing. This story however is emotional, dramatic, thought-provoking, and above all gripping, a unique horror into some serious issues with troubled and interesting characters read.

Needs work but a lot of drama

The description is too long and doesn't tell us very much about the story. Try to tell us some information in the description along with the scene from the story. It also doesn't make sense slightly. The line ’and now you are my wife, then also you went to meet him’ doesn't make sense. ’And now that you are my wife, you still go and meet him’ is better. You also need to make sure you put the comma at the end of speech inside the speech marks -,” instead of ”, - and you need to make sure you have a space between the end of speech and the next word - question,” he growled instead of question”,he growled. Sometimes your sentences are too long and need commas to break them up. Also at times, you use the word ‘and’ too much. Try again to use commas or change the word. The wording of this could be smoother at times and you need to make sure you start a new paragraph when there is a new speaker. Your paragraphs are short and some detail to your descriptions will help with making them longer. It is unclear as to whose point of view the story is in as you haven't introduced the character clearly. You don't need to put *$$*Next day, but actually write that into the story. I'm not sure what ’Mam’ means or if you mean Man. 1 thousand million is 1 billion for your bidding on the mansion bit. Also I think your characters need more to their description as there isn't a lot that can help the reader picture what they look like. Your story does move at a good place, but I think some of your longer chapters could be broken up into smaller ones. The line ’,host yelled through mic’ should be ’the host yelled through the mic’. The settings in the story are not clear and again more detail in the descriptions will help. There is quite a drama-filled story here you just need to look at re-writing it, making it clearer and more immersive for the reader.

Needs work

The story is very short. The bit with the phone text message could be clearer. There is not a lot of detail of the surroundings or characters which doesn't help immerse the reader. There are no proper paragraphs in the story and you need to start a new paragraph when there is a new speaker. You don't need to worry about swearing, this story does deal with a serious subject so the word ’hell’ isn't shocking. Also, I think you could go into more detail about the feelings and emotions of the characters when it comes to their abuse. They don't come across as 2 people who have been in abusive relationships. You may benefit from reading about real accounts of abusive relationships with writing this story. You don't need the ~5 minutes later~ or ~An hour later~ time skips, you can instead weave the time skip in by saying ’Minutes later’ and you can get rid of the hour one as she is unconscious so therefore won't know how much time has passed. I think their mother calling the police or threatening to do so when their boyfriends turn up at their house would be good and add drama. You need to introduce the princes better and in a smoother way. You also go between past and present tense. Overall, this story is in need of more detail, it needs to be broken up into more chapters, and needs to be edited. I’m sure with some work it will be a sweet story.

Good

First of all, great title one of the best karaoke break up songs ever. The description is a bit disorientation though because it goes from the narrator and this girl bashing into each other to the rundown of the characters. I would look at that again. It also doesn't make sense at times. The quotes at the start of each chapter are nice. There are a couple of problems with punctuation, C.J., for example, should be either C.J or CJ. Also, her saying she is half Italian half Haitian would be more natural than going into exact percentages. You need to make sure you start a new paragraph when there is a new speaker and there are a couple of times where there is a capital letter where there shouldn't be. You don't need to repeat C.J’s full name at the start of the second chapter, or about her sexuality. You could reveal it in the second chapter when she talks about keeping secrets. You also need to look at the size of your paragraphs, they are too small and some are just sentences on their own. C.J is a loveable character and I think you should push to show more of her character in the story, just make sure you don't repeat yourself. Overall this is a good story that needs fine-tuning but has a dramatic plot with emotion.

Good idea

Review nThe description could do with a little bit more detail, but I do like shorter descriptions that don't give too much away. You need to start the first word of the first sentence in the description with a capital letter as well as the chapters titles. Some are written in lower case, one or two are in upper case, choose one so that it is all neat. Your opening would benefit with more detail as, describe the scene more, tell us a bit more about Caleb, Bryan and Bart. Also, your paragraphs are too short but adding more detail will fix that and having longer chapters will give the story more meat to it. You need to make sure you start a new paragraph when a new person is speaking too. There are times when you go between 1st person and 3rd person. I think personally that 1st person would suit this story better but it's up to you, just make sure it is one or the other. The mistakes in this story make it difficult to read and not as enjoyable as it could be so I would work on those because there is an interesting story here. Also, you have elements called sky, wind and air, they are very much the same thing so maybe replace one with fire and earth? And the sea is not an element of water is. This is a really good idea though but it just needs to be fine-tuned and it'll do excellent.

A wonderful read

As a mythology nerd, I saw this and grinned right away. The clever use of Egyptian myth and bits of Arthurian legend is awesome. The opening line if the description gets a chuckle out of the reader and sets the tone well. I would change Enyo to former friend or ex-friend as he imprisoned her and destroyed the rest of her life.

Good opening to the story, your descriptions are good and your sentences aren't too long or short. Right away we learn about Algea’s character, but I feel that bit does drag a little bit. In the second part, should barbecue not be barbecues unless she is talking about the sauce? I like barbecue sauce and that made me want it. Your paragraph sizes are a little mixed, some are too small, some too big, so I'd look at those again.

Love that you featured Ammit’s children, and the fact you got her appearance bang on shows you did your research! Make sure you use capital letters for their name though. I loved also that you featured that the victim’s bodies don't get mummified being the worst thing. It further ties this to times and traditions of Ancient Egypt and is just a nice little touch.

There are a couple of times where you don’t start a new line where there is a new speaker in a couple of chapters. The description of the guards is a little fuzzy and I’d look it over again just so the reader can distinguish the two easier. Seth’s character is well set up, and him freaking out over magic is funny. Love that he’s not the typical big strong hero that Algea doesn’t become the damsel in distress for.

There are a couple of times where more descriptive words would help make things more detailed here and there in chapter 3. I love how you go back and forth between the two povs of the characters so well and I have to say that yes this story does have some similarities in how it uses mythology like the Percy Jackson books, it is by no means a rip off (saying this incase someone says that it is, there will always be one sadly but it is completely untrue). In fact fans of that will love this! The story progress well and moves at just the right pace. A brilliant read!

Good but needs work

The story moves at a good place but there are many grammar problems with it as well as punctuation. Look at your paragraph lay out too they are too small. Try adding more to the descriptions and try to start sentences where Stella is doing something with something other that ’I’. Good start though.

Wonderful

This story’s world, layout and society is set up excellently. The mysterious dream in the opening is one that gets used a lot, maybe a little bit more to that in the description of the dream could help it stand out even more? The story does move at a slower pace, but the building of the world and introduction of the main character and the story itself being told makes up for it. Keep it up!

Excellent

Great setting, great intro! Really gets the reader hooked! A good read for those who like Kpop ad gang AU stories. I think you could maybe describe some of the other characters a little bit more. Keep it up!

Good idea, but needs a lot of work

There are a lot of grammar and punctuation mistakes that need to be tied up. You should also make the story parts longer. Make them more descriptive, Add more development to Mary's character and to her relationship with Dean as the story goes on. It is a high school romance so don't be afraid to add more fluffy romantic moments, but let the romance build over time.

Good start

It starts off well moving at a very steady pace, the two characters are very distinct and you have the history and lore is this universe laid out clearly. There are however times we're the wording of things could be changed go make smoother. Some words could be changed, some removed all together. There are also some little grammar errors. Good start though!

Fabulous

Been meaning it review this for a while. Such moving and wonderful poetry. My favourite was What Is Love.

Good

Good start. Try to make chapters longer and add more detail. Also in chapter 2 need to work on paragraphs and check for typos.

Good

I read a previous version of this story before so it has been interesting to read this again. Seen quite an improvement from the start. I like the title. Simple yet strong. The description is much more gripping also. Opening set up brilliantly. You tell the reader a lot in not too many words. The lack of modern technology in this world is interesting considering how people constantly create more of that, a very good idea! I would still like to see a few more descriptive words here and there. For example in the line: ‘visualising the wooden box’ - what are the boxes like? Old? Worn? Battered? Just little bits like that could help the reader imagine it more. In the 4th chapter when describing Susan a bit more description would help too. There are times as well in description where you need commas. I liked the little changes in the world you used but still kept the story going. There is a line in chapter 4 that confuses me a bit. ‘Susan said, her words a muffled murmur in the din.’ Not sure what you are trying to get over here, I’d look it over again. Overall this version is much sharper and a good read.

Good but needs work

Nice short description. Knight should be lowercase unless it starts a sentence. 3 should be the word three. I love the style of the description though, can imagine it being the narrative at the start of an epic fantasy film. You need to start a new line when there is a new speaker, and the prologue needs to have clearer paragraphs. I think a bit more scene setting would help draw the reader in. In the first chapter, there is the word ‘woman’ that has been started with a capital letter when it shouldn’t. Towards the end of chapter 2, the line ‘Should I as him?’ I think should have ‘ask’ instead, and after that there is a speech mark before the word thanks but with no speech mark after it. You need to removed the exclamation mark after ‘Hey stop-’ as the hyphen indicated he is being cut off. I would like a more detailed description of Lucina. Is she thin and frail from being enslaved? In chapter 3, you say that Lance is broke, but he would have had enough silver coins if the scrolls were at full price. 50 is 40% of 125 silver coins, and Lance has 300 silver coins. That needs fixing but it's just a little math. The same mistake with missing closing speech marks happens more in chapter 4. The pace of the story is very good, and overall this story is good but needs to be editing and have more detail to it.

Very good

Interesting description, but I think the first paragraph is unnecessary. You could just use the first one, and weave bits of information into the second. Keep it short but sweet. Opening is good. Dropping the reader right in it. First paragraph in, the line ‘mom snapped her fingers in front of my face and interrupted my thoughts, abruptly pulling me back into reality’ could be reworded to ‘mom snapped her fingers in front of my face interrupting my thoughts and abruptly pulling me back into reality’ - it flows that bit better. Your paragraphs don’t exist. It is just lines. This needs to be changed and need to be grouped together better. It is making chapters too long too. I think there could be more detail around speech. “You are not listening to me as usual.” Mom huffed. - is an example. I think a paragraph setting the scene can be of benefit here too, just a couple of lines. Her mother’s urgency and paranoia you get over well in the first part and you set up her character well. Second chapter the line ‘to fell in love’ should be ‘to fall in love’. There are times where you tell the reader the same information twice, and that can make sentences drag. ‘The sky was clear and pure blue without a trace of clouds’ is an example. I like the line ‘Death cruelty took him away from me like a damn thief and never brought him back’ - it really gets how much she misses him and cared for him over to the reader. The ending as well, so many different and powerful emotions! An excellent read, just tidy it up a bit.

Good

The opener of your story was dramatic, however it could have more detailed. Also ‘of’ should be ‘off’. There are problems with tense in this. It goes between past and present. This needs fixing. ‘He’s not that drunk. I conclude’ should have a comma instead of a full stop before drunk. You don’t need ‘and I stopped crying’ after ‘But once my eyes cleared up’ as that tells the reader she’s stopped crying. Your chapter sizes and paragraph sizes are spot on. I must say as well, I appreciate that although this is a very toxic and unhealthy relationship, the way you portray it to me isn’t romantic. You show the details of their twisted love and the way that Sophia thinks which is of someone trapped in that relationship, as well as the way Connor thinks which is clearly someone who does not know how to be in a healthy relationship. It is clear this is a very disfunction relationship, and you are showing that and not making it look like someone desirable. That is very refreshing. I do also like that you don’t rush into the smutty scenes too. In chapter 3 there’s a bit where you start a new line without a space between the full stop and the ‘I’ starting the next line. You don’t need the comma after ‘Conner then,’ in chapter 3 further on. I think you need to give us more information on Brittney when she is first mentioned as it isn’t very clear why she would be familiar to Sophia. Maybe a last name too? I think also in chapter 4, a description of the setting would help the reader picture things. Also there are some problems with past and present tense again in that chapter. Over all good.

Good

Nice description. Territory should be territories. A very dramatic opening. Your sentence and paragraph sizes are spot on. I think the chapter sizes are too long, but I did also like the descriptions of Dagon’s fight in the first chapter with the Angel. In the first chapter there is a little typo. A space is needed between the full stop at the end of the sentence before ‘No time to relish in their screams and cries.’ and the ‘No’. The line further on in chapter 1, ‘The wind blasted in his ears while his stomach churned from the whirlwind.’ - I feel that the word ‘wind’ has been repeated too much. ‘Gale’ I think would be better. There are a couple of times around speech I think the sentences could be better, maybe look at the wording of sentences. I like that the first 2 chapters introduces Dagon and Josephine in very different but excellent ways. Good way of setting them up. Towards the end of chapter 2, ‘victorian’ should have a capital ‘V’. At the start of chapter 3, as there is a big change of scene, I think bits of detail to help set the scene for the reader would be beneficial, but I like the change because it gives lots more information without overloading the reader and it doesn’t slow the story. In the start of chapter 4 the paragraph starting with ‘We lived and worked together’ has speech marks at the start of ‘we’. Not sure if that’s a typo or what. There are many fantastic descriptions in this story, and they don’t slow the story down. Very enjoyable up to the end, just needs tidying up a bit.

Good

In the description I would prefer to read the awards the story has at the end, it just distracts and can put the reader off seeing that first. Senior should start with a lowercase ‘s’ and freshmen should also start with a lowercae ‘f’. The line about Andy’s sister’s crush could be smoother. ‘Then she discovers her freshman sister has a crush on the boy next door who the Sharpe girls have been warned never to have anything to do with!’ The rest of the description is nice, really got the vibe of teen high school romance. You don't need to put ‘one’ or ‘two’ etc at the start of each chapter, the chapters go up in numbers it's unnecessary having them there. Some sentences could be broken up to smaller ones. Some sentences could be worded better, like the one about the planets towards the start of chapter 1. ‘Who Did It’ should not have capital letters. Your chapter sizes are bang on, but the pacing of the story I think could be a bit faster. There are times where there are capital letters where there shouldn't be capital letters. ‘Stolen’ in stolen fireworks is an example. Whuffing is also partly normal text partly italic text. I loved the line ‘The were so adorable Andy wanted to bang her forehead against the tree.’ I also really like that the play is Romeo and Juliet and that there is a real Romeo and Juliet in the story. Nice parallel. Classic high school love story trope. Your paragraphs in chapter 2 could be grouped together better, and some lines on their own could be with paragraphs or other lines at least. The way their dad talks about the boy in from the family they don’t like in the second part really gets over how much Andy’s family doesn’t like and makes the reader wonder more about what happened. The family themself seem very nice, their relationships and characters are set up well. There are times were lines need more punctuation like commas and places were they could replace semi-colons and places were semi-colons should not be. This is a good story and I love Andy’s character but it needs tidying up.

Interesting

Nice short and sweet description. Just change 200 to two-hundred. Love the use of Lilith, a Christian demon that is fitting for the goddess of death. I also like how her and Samuel are opposites. The descriptions of their appearances are clear too. I would change halo to something else like shawl or shroud to make it more dark in Lilith’s description. Love Diamond and Mercury and story transitioned well into following them, very dramatic. You really set this world’s mythology up well. I’m a little confused about the bit where the draconi all pick things to go with them by Forest. He says animals, but would that not include the birds Sunshine picked? I think this needs to be clearer like insects or deer. Also why is it that their speech is in bold please? I think that needs to be made clearer. I think the descriptions of the element daughters’ appearances could be more detailed too. I also think there could be more development of relationships between characters, and that development would make the chapters of the story a little longer which I think would be a good thing as they are very short. The bit where Jynx can keep her powers under control by wearing shoes and gloves reminds me of Elsa in the first frozen film, and I think that needs more of an explanation. In fact many of the chapters I think could do with more detail to them and to be longer, unless you are planning on a sequel, which I would understand. This is still a well planned and interesting fantasy story.

Great!

Loved the description! To the point and gripping but not too much given away. The detail in your story such as the thing about him sweating with his mask on are excellent and don't take away from the story’s progression. Towards the end of the first chapter you use ‘—’ a couple of times in one paragraph. I would reduce this to one as it feels repetitive and a little unnecessary. There are some sentences that are too long and need to be broken up. The word ‘Live’ in the sentence ‘the news being carried Live,’ in the start of chapter 2 should have a lowercase ‘L’. Also I think ‘pd’ would be better as ‘PD’. You introduced Ritch well and the little details about his character were put in to the story in a way that didn't take it away from progressing. The ‘11pm; Ritch Falls’ worksite...’ I think could be removed and the information could be added like this in the first sentence of the paragraph after that: ‘Ritch's shift at (workplace name) ended at eleven in the evening and he was shutting down his computer system via voice command.’ I think there is the potential to expand this world more. Great one.

Good

Nice and short description, real sense of mystery. The opening paragraph was very good, and I liked the use of short and snappy sentences. I think it would be better to break that after the opening and combined sentences more. Try starting sentences in ways other than ‘I’. There are times where you start ‘father’ with a capital letter and times you don't in sentences. Either start with a capital letter or don't and if you do, make sure you do the same for mother. Servant should be with a lowercase ‘s’. I do really like the way you introduced the problems in the story and gave the reader information. I do think giving a but more information on the world this story is in would benefit the reader, but not too much so that the story slows down. Fortress should have a lowercase F as it is in the middle of a sentence. Your chapters are too long, the first one especially. Also the Chapter 1 part A thing is confusing. Chapter 1 doesn’t have another part, and chapter 2 has 3 parts. I would change them to just normal chapter numbers, 1, 2, 3 etc. You start 2 sentences, one at the end of a paragraph and the other at the start of the paragraph after it, with from. This feels a little repetitive, and I would reduce the number of times you used the world villages in the second paragraph mentioned before. The tense dynamics of the families in this book are sent up well and you really get a sense for the bitter hatred they have. There are a couple of times where you use capital letters for words that need to be lowercase. Guitar for example. Just before the bit the voice saying ‘beware’ which is very spooky, I think would be a good place to end the first chapter and start another one. I really like your descriptions, the way they are done doesn't not drag but it still paints a picture ‘the sunlight was pouring through the windows’ is just one. The pacing of the story is slow, and I understand that this is a thriller so things are going to build up, but it could move a little faster. Making chapters smaller I'm sure will help with that. You can really see the planning put into this world, but like I said before a little more detail about things weaved in would help the reader a bit more, plus it will further make them appreciate how much planning has gone into this. When things get going it is good, this story just needs some tidying up.

Good but needs some work

Good description. I think you need to give the name of the town sooner though and instead of putting the population as ‘surrounding’ the town you should put something like ‘Surrounded by a dark thick forest and occupied by a population below three-thousand, Elmdale is a town where demons dance in broad daylight and shadows rule the night.’ There is also an extra space after the full stop after ‘family’ and before ‘With’. The prologue opening like it did is a classic way but a dramatic no nonse one that is good to follow the description with. You aren't overloading the reader with information which is good. You don't need to put ‘startled’ at the end of her jumping at being touched by her husband as the jumping indicates that already. I liked the little ‘haha it was just a prank’ before the real scare with the creepy people, but one thing with the woman’s description. Lipstick doesn't really add sparkle to lips, it is mostly matt and adds colour. Lipgloss may be more suitable here. The layout of the story seems a little odd, some paragraphs need clearer starts and ends, some need to be smaller and some bigger, but it could just be Inkitt’s layout. I really like the line ‘Dark purple paint was peeling off here and there.’ - a small sentences that tells the reader so much. I don't know what the symbols are after the sentence ‘Then they were on their way.’ and a few other times, but I don't think they are needed, it distracts from the story. The description of the town could benefit from some more detail. Near the end of the first chapter, the second to last paragraph has a couple of mistakes in it. The speech “Get back here!” Has the wrong speech marks at the end of it, and there is no space between the speech marks and ‘Her mother said’. Also in one line the bit ‘her mother who She had her hands on her waist’ needs to have the ‘She’ removed or you need to stop the sentence at ‘her mother’ and start a new one with ‘She had her hands on her waist. It is refreshing to see the mysterious person actually spoke to her, because that can just be as scary as seeing them makes them even more real and scary. In the first paragraph of chapter 2 the word ‘nth’ - should that be ninth? There are also some times where in think sentences could do to be longer and even combined with others. An example of this is in the second paragraph of chapter 2. The first three sentences could be combined into one. The no animal noises near them is a classic but smart thing to have in horror stories, but not only does it add more fear and superstition, it tells us that Jayden is observant. The cliffhanger ending of that chapter was brilliant! Really makes the reader wonder who this woman is. The paragraph at the end of chapter 3 is too long and needs to be broken up. M is a very mysterious character and I like that you keep that mystery as well as the superstition Simone has for what is going on around her and the people around her, especially the shadows. You really feel her paranoia and fear. There are times where I feel this story is moving a little to fast, some more detail in descriptions, characters, etc would help with that and it would really help set the scene more.

Spooky

Right away this is a cool idea and mentioning in the description that the characters bond over horror films is a great way of showcasing their relationship. You don't need their names to be completely in capital letters in the first sentence though. I think you could actually start the description from ‘A silent movie...’ and weave the other bits of information into the other paragraphs. Your story parts have chapter 1 etc, at the start of them, but not in the actual chapter title. I would fix this so it would be: Chapter 1. Only in New England will the Devil find a friend, and so on. Excellent detail in the descriptions right away, characters set up well, scene set up well, but you need to start a new paragraph for when we have someone speak, especially considering it is such a big chunk of speech. About half way into chapter 1, you start 3 paragraphs, one after the other, with ‘Dan’

- this is repetitive and needs changed to either he or then he or then Dan. Your paragraph sizes are a little all over the place in chapter 1, some are very big and need breaking up and others that are small could be better as bigger ones. The whole lunatic thinks the devil is trying to get to children through their toys is an interesting idea, a good little indication too that there are troubles in the whole town. In the second chapter, ‘Kit snatched the box out of Andy’s hand:’ should have a full stop at the end instead of a colon. There are a couple of times in the second chapter where sentences could do to be broken up with commas. The bit with speech starting: ‘At church last night,’ Andy said’ would be smoother as one big chunk of text without the ‘Andy said’ breaking it up for no reason. That can be put at the end. This story really is one classic horror fans will love. Well done.

Very good

Good spooky and interesting description, but I think you could lose the last line to make things a little more mysterious or change murder to ‘terrible consequences’ or something. I loved the sudden escalation in the prologue. In the first paragraph, the bird description is very clear but you use the word small 2 times. I'd change one to another word. Your story has good pacing, it flows so well and you really can imagine the clear picture with the brilliant and vivid descriptions. The bits of detail about the different boys while they are talking is good too because they don't slow things down but set them apart from one another. In the bit where Edmond has gone to go back to his father’s stall you dip into present tense when the story is in past tense. In chapter 2, in the first paragraph, the line ‘motioning Edmond to be quiet’ I feel isn't needed because the bit before that with Thomas tells the reader he is telling Edmond to be quiet. Love the description about the girl, but the line ‘inspecting the strange girl he never knew.’ would be better as ‘inspecting the strange girl.’ - you have already let the reader now he has never seen the girl before. There are some sentences that are a little long, especially at the start of An Oasis 1 and 2. Commas and full stops making them into smaller sentences can easily sort that. The line ‘Even though Thomas was meant it to be a question, he certainty that gained from the evidence he saw around him, had made his sentence came out like a mere statement.’ needs looking at as it doesn't flow well or make much sense. ‘Even though Thomas meant for it to be a question, the feeling of certainty he gained from seeing the evidence around him had made him say it more like a mere statement.’ could work better. I love Finch’s character and you showed her well. In Grounded - 1 the paragraph: ‘He was too busy with his own mind that he failed to notice Finch’s horrified expression. Her eyes were widened in fear. “No!” She shrieked in horror.’ Would be better as: ‘He was too busy with his own thoughts to notice Finch’s horrified expressions or her wide eyes or parted mouth.

“No!” she shrieked.’ It flows smoother, you have a new line for a new speaker and you don't repeat horror. There are a couple of times where you don't start a new line for a new speaker, but not too much that it is difficult to follow conversations. Also the question mark at the end of the speech ‘The stew tastes amazing Ms. Jill?’ Needs to be an exclamation mark. And when Neil says “William got governess?” I think there should be an ‘a’ in there making it “William got a governess?”. Also grounded - 2 is the same chapter as grounded - 1. I think you may have published them twice by accident. The mystery and fantasy of this story will really keep the reader gripped.

Well written, disturbing content

Lovely cover, but then I got to the description and realised what this was...and I’m not happy with it because these relationships are wrong, predatory, and illegal, and they shouldn’t be being made romantic. If it was that they were both older and got together after the student finished school then it wouldn’t be as bad, unusual but if they can prove nothing happened while they were still student and teacher ok. I did read on however because I can still give feedback on other parts of the story. The word ‘silence’ at the start of chapter one needs to have a lowercase ‘s’ even if it is the title. There is some problems with commas at the end of speech not being there and it all being full stops, some need to be commas if the conversation is on going and a full stop when it ends. Ms. silver should be Ms Silver. There are also a few times when you put commas at the bed of sentences between speech when they should be full stops and where you start speech with a lowercase letter when it should be capital. It isn’t clear which character the story POV is from, and we don’t learn much about them. Your chapters are a good size, and the story moves at a good pace. Rich kids, I swear - I think needs more detail. Swear what? Normalcy would be better as normality. I think some more detail in the descriptions of settings to help set the scens. In chapter 4, there needs to be a space in the speech ‘Just Atlas,Sensai,’. Also, it is unclear if the story’s pov changes between characters, that needs to be established better. The line ‘Staggering backwards I rub my forehead, looking up...’ would be better as ‘Staggering backwards I rubbed my forehead before looking up.’ - you need to get your tenses right too as you go into present here when the majority of it has been in past tense. The characters don’t have Japanese names, yet this story is set in Japan? I think adding some would make it more believable. Overall this story is written well, there are some mistakes that can be easily fixed, but the romanticisation of a very wrong relationship is not okay and reading about it was very uncomfortable.

Good characters but needs work

The first paragraph in the description sets up that this is going to be eventful. You need to make sure you start a new line for a new speaker. In the second paragraph of the description, you use the words unexpected and unexpectedly very close to one another. I would only use one of the two as it is repetitive. You also repeat yourself when talking about the new friends they are going to meet and I think you could also write them going to Santa Monica onwards smoother and better as it feels a little rushed at the end of the description. You don't need to put ‘chapter~1’ in chapter one, we can see it from the title, just put a break in the page after copywrite stuff. Your descriptions of your characters could be more detailed, and in the speech ‘Huh, So where was I, Emma?’ there are problems. It should be ‘Huh, So where was I? Emma!’. There needs to be more detail for who is speaking when as well as detail for the surroundings. The reader can't picture where they are or what they are doing. ‘Decoration’ should be ‘Decorations’, the ‘****************’ before things change to Thomas and Gabrielle should be a proper break in the page or the start of a new chapter. ‘Sweet music and the kind of dancing’ doesn't make sense, ‘sweet-sounding music ideal for dancing’ would be better. There is some punctuation mistakes around speech, full stops outside of speech marks, full stops where there should be commas, spaces that shouldn’t be there like: “ Well - for example, and again not starting a new line for a new speaker. There are also random capital letters where there shouldn’t be a couple of times in speech. The story does move at a good pacing and the relationships between characters are clearly set out. You need to use verbs other than said when people speak. In chapter 3 you don’t need ‘.........’ when Emma speaks, just ‘...’ which is normal. I think there needs to be more of a build-up to the mysterious things but more detail in the descriptions will help with that I’m sure. Some of your chapters I think could be a little smaller at time, and adding more detail will mean they will definitely need to be broken up more. You use ‘am’ when it should be ‘I’m’ in chapter 4. Overall there is a good story here with good characters, but it needs to be fine-tuned and made into a smoother read.

Very good

Interesting idea, I’ve not seen any stories with witches and demons. Your cover is very plain, I would try making a new one. Get rid of the ‘...................’ after help, it is offputing and isn’t correct grammatically correct. ‘...’ - a proper ellipses is fine. You don’t need to put the ‘how she feels:’ before she speaks and the same for him. The reader can understand. You could even add a bit more about their relationship or who they are as the same quotes about their feelings are from the start of the first chapter. You need to make sure you start a new line for a new speaker. Your descriptions and telling if the story is very good and I love that we get straight into the story and the conflict. Your chapter sizes are good, but I don’t think you need the ‘like, comment and review’ thing at the end. Also, the way you introduced Minerva and Aamon as well as their relationship was very well written too and I’m glad you kept things moving with the story and didn’t stop it to introduce them both. You really understand the rage and hurt Minerva feels because of Aamon leaving. You don’t need to put flashbacks for the parts with flashbacks, they can be chapters. In chapter 5 “Right...,” should be “Right...” no comma needed, or you could put “Right,” as you continue with her speaking after a pause. I love the mystery surrounding Him too. I'm surprised this story isn't more popular because it has it all. Fantasy, mystery, adventure, drama, passion, magic. I'm sure more will find it and enjoy reading it though. Well done.

Fantastic horror short

I like the short and mysterious description. Your opening with the detailed yet cleared description of the teach is good. There are a couple of little mistakes with punctuation with speech but nothing major. Things soon escalate and you really feel the tension and emotion of the students. The change in point of view is very sudden and I think starting a new chapter would be better. The contrast between the crazy teacher calmly telling his students the about the boys and the pain and bloody suffering of the students is very shocking and affective. The bit where there is only one bullet left I think could be another place to start a new chapter. The student sending the touching message to his own brother while it is going on is really upsetting and it is refreshing to see you not going down the cliche root of ‘I wish I got to say this’ before I died. The ‘:’ later on in the story would be better as ‘;’. Over all this is a fantastic horror short story.

Sweet

A nice and quick description and opening so the reader can get right to things. The paragraphs could be put together better, but I do like the line ‘it took millions of my cells to turn and face him’. The main character talking about cells really shows she's smart too. There are a few time chapter 1 where you didn't start a new line for a new speaker. The story would benefit from more detail too as there isn't much detail in setting or character description. It is a sweet story though overall.

Brilliant

The description is gripping, just make sure you start a new paragraph for a new speaker. The hyphen before her would be better as a comma. ’Shifter wolf’ I think should be ’Shifter world’. The ’...’ at the end should be a question mark as you are asking the reader a question. You set up the world clearly in the first chapter. The hyphens in the second paragraph would be better as commas. The line ’She is the deity all werewolves- evil or good worshipped’ would be better as ’she is the deity all werewolves, evil or good, worshipped’. I think the introduction bit before -Manhattan- would be better as the prologue the bit from -Manhattan- would be the first chapter. Your chapters are a little long and drag, I’m sure splitting them up into slightly smaller part will fix that. Your description are very detailed and set things to well, but the story’s pacing is a little slow. The hyphen in the sentence ’however, Gabriel never expressed his pain to anyone because he didn’t feel the need to bleed the poison in him on others- not like how their father had done’ would be better as two sentences ending with ’others.’ for one then starting with ’Not’ for the second. You see up Gabriel’s character well but I think you need to show us more instead of telling us. Sabrina is introduced excellently too. You need to make sure you start a new line for a new speaker, and there are times when paragraphs could be structured better. The build up and the passion in the story is brilliant, the again the pacing of it is a little slow. I do really appreciate you setting up this world and the character’s positions in it well as many of these stories don’t. In chapter 2, when you change to Gabriel, it would be good to start a new chapter. Overall this is a good read for werewolf fans!

Unique and intriguing

The description is different. The word foggotten should be forgotten. The opening of this story is very unique and interesting. There are times however when your paragraph/sentence layout could be better as it feels a little all over the place at times. This story really makes the reader question pretty much everything. The ‘...’ before the sentence ‘I can tell you don’t believe me’ I would get rid off it as it seems a bit random. The multiple choice endings are all brilliant and it is really cool to let the reader pick. Very good.

Excellent

Excellent description, really gripping and not too much is given away. The opening was even better so much mystery and it really keeps the reader interested. The style the first couple of chapters being in letters is cool. Your paragraphs are a good size and your punctuation and grammar are excellent. In the chapter called The asylum the semi-colon ’a couple of reasons’ would be better as a full stop though. The bit when the Doc speaks saying ’So, can I ask’ then you put ’Brooks glances at me, brow raised high as he waits for me to continue’ followed by more speech from the Doc would be better as one paragraph I feel. The story does move at a good pace, your detail on your description is brilliant and your chapter sizes are good too. When all hell broke loose I felt tense for the characters, I couldn't stop reading! This story is dramatic, intense and a good read for those who love asylum horror.

Good but needs work

A really good description, the political drama set in wonderland is definitely interesting. Your title of the story feels a bit odd, like it doesn't fit the story. No Queens Are Subservient I think would work better. Also the title of your first part ’chapter prologue’ needs to be changed to just prologue or chapter 1. The opening paragraphs to the story are very good, but the massive paragraph after that needs to be split up better. You set up things brilliantly though in that prologue. Your paragraphs in the chapter 01 need looking at again. Some are too big, like are a good size and some are just lines that need to be put into paragraphs and you need to make sure you start a new line when a new person speaks. There are at times where you repeat detail, like with Valerie’s boots. Describe them when she is lacing them back up then just put ’turning on my heels’. Also you need to put ’on’ instead of ’in’. Your chapters are a good-sized and the detail is excellent. This is a very dramatic and sensual take on the world of wonderland, it just needs fixing to make it a smoother read. Well done though.

Good start write more!

I would put the warnings and info about the story at the end of the description as it can be off putting for some readers and I find it's better to get to the description if the story. ’Under wraps’ I think should be unwraps. It is a very good description though, dramatic. You need to start a new paragraph when there is a new speaker. The speech ‘Ah I see. I get it,,’ had a mistake with the extra comma but it’s nothing terrible. I hope you write more of this story because it was a brilliant start. Well done!

Good read

The cover is pretty, but it gives me more of a spy story impression. The description sets up things well but it is too long, a little repetitive in word choice, and few things could be changed to make it shorter. I would change NY city to NYC. The line ’coming back home won't be as simple’ I think could flow better by changing it to ’That won't be as simple as they’d hoped’. Also changing the description of Kylie to ’the young and wild beauty’ I feel works better. As well as this changing ’She’s still wild and even more trouble than she was when they left her. There’s an even bigger problem.’ to ’Now even more of a handful than when they left her, she brings one massive problem with her’. Like I said though things are set up well and I love that we are starting from Kylie’s point of view. It's refreshing. You left a very big space between ’Kylie’s POV’ and the first paragraph, but that could just be Inkitt’s layout. Your detail is excellent, paragraphs are a good size, and your grammar and punctuation is good. Starting a sentence with the word and twice in a row is a bit repetitive and I’d change it. Your sudden change to Jackson’s point of view I think would be better as a new chapter. The line ’if we can get as good business here as we do in Los Angeles, we are never going to worry about another thing’ would be smoother as ’if we can get business here as good as we get it in Los Angeles, we’ll never have to worry about another thing ever again’. You set up Jackson’s character well. ’friends of the Murphy’s’ would work better as the ’friends of the Murphy family’. I would get rid of the ’---’ in the second chapter, you don't need it as you progress time fine with the start of the new paragraph. Your chapter size is all over the place and I think defiantly needs to be reconsidered. Your pacing of the story is good though and the cliff hangers keep the reader hooked. A good read.

Very emotional

The cover looks nice, but I would get rid of the text that isn't your name or the title. The description sets the story up very well and you can this is going to be a heavy and emotional story. The opening is quite shocking, and you really capture the pain and emotions of the situation. The speech at the start I think should be one sentence, and your paragraphs are a little small but some more bits of detail may help here and there. Also, and this could just be the way of Inkitt’s layout, there are times where there are some sentences in paragraphs that you seemed to have pressed enter before you started a new one.
Like I have done with this lin for example which makes the layout odd.
I have done the same with this line and I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a new paragraph, or if the line is supposed to be on its on own or if it was just a typo or if it is Inkitt’s layout. There are times where you miss punctuation like at the end of speech before speech marks or it doesn't look quite right. In the chapter The House, she hushed herself...Her body slowly relaxing, is an example of this. I would put either a semi-colon or a comma. Sometimes you use too many commas and sentences would be fine with just the one or would even work better split into smaller sentences. You also repeated in a very short space of time ’she sighed’ - I would change that to a tut or a groan. As well as paragraphs being too small at times there are some that are too long. Kid’s should be kids, and don’’t should be don't. There also one or two times where you didn't start a line or speech with a capital letter. Your descriptions are very vivid and keep the grim tone of this story too. The description of your characters are excellent too, love the attention to detail. The story deals not only with domestic abuse, insecurities mothers often have after giving birth about their bodies and even eating problems in an excellent unashamed way that I know many readers will relate to and be affected by. The reader will feel so sorry for Rhea but also be surprised by how strong she is. I think the reader would benefit known when and where the story is set which I'm sure you can easily give somewhere in start of the story.

Good short horror read

The description is excellent, intriguing, spooky, doesn't give too much away, and make the reader wonder what ’it’ is. You don't need to put (inner thoughts), instead weave it into the story by saying he thought after his thought in italic, and combined the two lines into one paragraph. Your description of the house is clear, but is it a house or a cabin? I would ditch the brackets, and add more detail to the build up to the vacuum turning on. You need to make sure you start a new line for a new speaker. The cliff hanger at the end of the first chapter was good but I think you should build up the suspense more. I love that he actually armed himself! He did something sensible! The ending was unexpected, but it was rushed. The story would benefit from more detail. It is a good horror read though.

Emotional but needs editing

I love the coffee themed description and it really makes the reader chuckle a little bit and curious. Don’t put the warning in about your writing be ‘shitty’ believe in yourself! Also you don’t need to repeat the warning about graphic content in the description and the first chapter. Have it in just one. Your paragraph structure could be better, you just have lines on their own when they would be better in paragraph, but make sure they aren’t too large. The opening is interesting though, a nice inner dialogue from Althea. Your grammar and spelling is good, but you have a lot punctuation mistakes, especially with apostrophes. You do get a good feel for the heartache and pain Althea has been through though since the first chapter. There are a couple of times where you didn’t start a new line for a new speaker. There is a lot of emotion in this story, but the lay out and few mistakes make it not a smooth read and less enjoyable. I love that this is not the typical romance story and that it has some real life experiences in it, very brave of you to do this. Also for your author’s note, it’s likes on Inkitt not votes lol. I think you should put some of the things you said in that note into the description to really help tease the reader. Overall this is a heart breaking story that will make the reader really cry, (I teared up a little towards the end of chapter 1) but it needs to be edited.

Unique but needs work

Review notes
MyYour description is greatly lacking important punctuation which makes it hard to read and can put readers off. There is no need for the world gathering to be in all capitals throughout the story too. The first paragraph in the prologue is an awkward opening and the second paragraph would work better. Your sentences are quite long and could be broken up into shorter snappier ones to make the story flow better. The prologue being cut short then the next chapter introducing Sam would work better as it is awkward to just introduce while explaining the world the story is set in. You could introduce Sam first then have her explain the world instead. Letting the reader know what century this story or time period would help set the scene too as it is unclear. The idea for this story though is very cool, dragon shifters aren't common and it is clear this world is intense for a female to live in. I don't think I have seen one before. You need to show the reader more things instead of telling the reader, especially with what happens with the gathering process. Your paragraphs are a bit all over the place, look at the layout of them again, some are too long and some are to short. The story could benefit from more dialogue too. Overall this story is unique idea but needs editing.

Interesting but needs work

Straight away your description grips the reader, but I’m not sure if a woman in the 18th century would be called Ellie, it’s very informal unless it is a nickname for Eleanor or Elizabeth. You need to make sure you write her name as Ms Norway and that you start the first sentence with The bell and not bell as it makes more sense and just bell on its own is a bit abrupt. There are problems with punctuation and your paragraphs sizes are a bit all over either they are are a little small or too long, and you need to make sure you start a new one when someone speaks and use capital letters at the start of speech. Ms Norway right away is set up to be terrifying in a great way. I do think the start of the next paragraph of chapter 1 needs to be changed and you say that either Samantha is either 17 years or a young girl and not both because that is telling us the same information twice which isn't needed, and you need to be careful of your tenses as you go between 1st and 3rd a few times. You do not need to put ’as’ before saying someone has spoken like ’as she said’ or ’as he replied’, just ’she said’ or ’he said’. The mistakes in this story do make it difficult to read, but the actual story itself is good, but I would like to learn a bit more about the characters like Samantha and Ms Norway, and why they are where they are. I also think you would benefit doing some research into what New England was like in the time it is set in just to help with setting the scene as well as attitudes and ’treatment’ towards and for the those with mental health issues at the time. I think your chapters would be better if they were broken up into smaller ones also. This is a saddening story that makes the reader feel much sympathy for Lily and the other characters, and it is also one that strikes fear into the reader because of Ms Norway. Keep working at it!

Good but needs work

Your description is short and sweet, but I would add a little more detail, like names of other characters perhaps, and I would get rid of the ’-’ around ’well jaws’ and change them to commas. You use ’...’ too much, I would change some of them to commas. Also in chapter 1, Myra switching to her inhuman sense of hearing doesn't quite fit. Her using her powerful sense of hearing she had makes more sense or something similar. The paragraphs are too small, group them together more and make sure you start a new one when someone new is speaking. You did set up Myra and Megan’s friendship excellently though and the dialogue between them was fun. Sloan is well set up too, but again the paragraphs in chapter two are too small. I think you could add more description to the characters looks, their feelings and the setting to help make them better, really hone in on those things to make the story even better. There are a couple of times where the gap between two paragraphs is too big like you pressed the enter key an extra time and it makes the layout look odd, but that could be the way Inkitt publishing so nothing too major to worry about. I do love the food scene with Myra and her sister, again their relationship is set up well. There are also times where you need exclamation marks in speech, especially when Myra is getting disgusted at what her sister did with the pickles. Overall this is a solid story that moves at a good pace and is a good read for those who love werewolf/shifter stories.

An intense and excellent read

The description is interesting, but the first paragraph I think needs to be recorded to flow better. I think the sentence ’spiraling Fae’s mind into a bottomless pit of hurt and confusion’ also needs to be changed to ’spiralling Fae into a bottomless pit of pain, fear and confusion’. Also, be careful of spelling mistakes, and that you start a new sentence when someone speaks, but that last one only happens a couple of times and your punctuation is great, but sometimes you miss a bit of important stuff. The start of chapter 3 for example, 2 line, sisters should be sister’s. But it is pretty good overall. I do like the quote at the start and the use of onomatopoeia with bam! The rapid fast-moving high tension pace of the abduction is set up brilliantly and you really get a sense of the urgency. Your paragraphs are a little small sometimes though, I get that having them in small chunks can help with the tension and urgency like I said before but sometimes they could be grouped together a bit better. The line ’Disary scatters her head’ is awesome, but I think ’scatters through her head’ would be better. You convey the emotions of the characters really well I must say, nice one! Your fight scenes are good and I think your chapters are just the right size for this too, it keeps things moving and keeps the reader interested, but I also think you need to organise the titles of the chapters. Are you going to have numbers and names or just numbers? And make sure they are the same text just so everything is neat there. Fae is a strong character, and her reacting like she did to her sister’s betrayal is actually quite believable, and that she would be feeling so low that she wishes for death, but I do also love that she is still a fighter and tries to run. I was saying ’RUUUUUN!’ thought-out. Anyone would be in shock if their sibling did that. Also, Alison is the worst sister ever, no confusion there, but I think a little bit more information on what she did to her rich boyfriend would be good for the reader. Victor is giving me Massimo for 365 days creeper vibes turned up to 100, and his appearance, as well as Fae’s, are very distinct. This story is not what you’d expect it to be going off the title and cover which is awesome and I hope everyone who comes across this intense and descriptive story gives it a read that will keep them on the edge of their seat!

Brilliant stuff

Your description is gripping but could be worded better to flow better and maybe make it a little shorter and put some of the information in the actual story. A sentence in the first chapter after Jason sticks up for Ellie that is too long and uses too much punctuation. I would break it up into smaller sentence. The rest of your lines are fine though. The subtle things like growling and eyes changing are good, makes the reader curious. The paragraph is a little small, maybe group them together a bit more, and make sure you always start a new paragraph when someone speaks, but the layout overall is good. Sometimes you also have a lowercase letter at the start of speech that needs to be a capital letter. You do get a real feel of Elle’s crush and her teen fantasies, and your descriptions are very good, just the right amount of detail. I would get rid of the -- though and use descriptive words, it seemed a bit odd to have that. This story however is a fresh take on teen romance with hints of mystery and fantasy that will keep any reader hooked, and your cover is gorgeous. Keep working at it!

An emotional story of young love

This is a story that stems from a catastrophic event that shatters lives, and caused love to be found in an unlikely place. The description itself I felt was a little long but still set up the story well. Your paragraphs are a little bit short, but only by a couple of lines nothing major.

There are one or two times where you don't use the proper punctuation at the end of speech. Right away you get a truly heartbreaking understanding of the pain Amelia has been through. Anyone who has been to a funeral can really feel the emotion and relate to it in the description of Amelia’s boyfriend’s funeral. I do relate myself to how supportive and strong Nick is to her, and that along with his nickname ‘Mel’ is a clever way you have shown their closeness.

You can also understand why she feels so conflicted about her feelings for Nick, she is very emotional in the story and has been through a lot which makes it very believable, but also understand why she is finding solitude in him as no one else is supporting her or is there for her. I think you should get rid of the POV and just keep the name after each chapter number, it worked for Malorie Blackman and countless others.

Also, I would make sure the font is the same for all the chapter names just for the sake of being consistent. In chapter 2 there is oooone lonely little lowercase ’I’ that needs to be capital and towards the end, you need to start a new paragraph for the bit of speech. Nick’s thoughts on love and relationships and girls liking bad boys are very typical for a teenaged boy and almost comical at how obvious he is.

In chapter 3 there is some confusion about Amelia addressing her mother. She calls her Mom, Mum and Mother in a short space of time. Is she American or from another country that uses Mom or British or from another country that uses Mum? This being established will also help set the scene better for the reader.

In chapter 4 there is a typo with Nick’s name. I feel at times it would be good for the characters to share why Kellen did what he did. The fact that Kellen doesn't know how mean Amelia’s parents are does make the reader question how strong their relationship was. I think that should be changed as the minor detail will show their relationship’s strength and make how much his death has affected her to make sense.

I know this story is about Amelia and Nick but I think that small detail is important. The pave is very good and doesn't drag on which stories with a lot of emotion in them like this can risk doing. The flashback I think would work on its own chapter and would be made even better with a bit more to the descriptions. Overall this is a romance that stands out and is a lovely yet heartbreaking read.

Good

Your description is attention-grabbing but the puncturion needs work and sentences need to be looked at again as they are too long in places. As a myth and legend fan/nerd, the mention of King Arthur made me smile. The description to me does give too much detail away, keep some secrets for later on in the book. The opening is interesting, a classic that reminds me of the Princess Bride. However, you need to add who is speaking where more after lines of speech as it can get a little confusing, and add some detail to what else is going on in the setting around the characters. There is a bit where you dip into first person then go back to third person too. You miss capital letters for Mars and need to add commas to your sentences as they are stretched too long or break them up into shorter sentences. Also are you giving names to your chapters or just numbers? Having ‘Chapter 1 Opening Day’ and the rest just ‘Chapter 2’ etc looks messy. The story does flow well and moves at a good pace, keep it up!

Good

The description is a little long, but it definitely presents the story as not what you’d expect. I’d leave some stuff out to make it more mysterious. There are times where your sentences could be broken up with commas, and your tenses are muddled up sometimes. You could use commas instead of hyphens too as they are used too much. Sometimes you could put sentences together, ‘I searched the room again, more thoroughly this time’ in the prologue is one example of this. Your descriptions could be made better with a touch more detail, but they are still very good. Lastly, I would focus more on the spooky supernatural stuff that is going on with the story as it is at risk of being lost to the romance part.

It's a sweet idea but it needs work

The story opens well and we learn a lot about Gia. Her new love develops well and it has parts that are not the typical teen love tale. But there are problems with punctuation and grammar as well as with sentence structure and there are times where sentences don't make sense completely. Keep working at it though 🖤

Very good

This story’s main character Heidi is a very strong one, and it is clear she is a hard-working and successful woman. However, the story itself needs work. There are problems with grammar, tenses and also the wording of senses in some places don't make sense. Also your paragraphs are far too short and need to be added to by either more descriptions or by combining paragraphs.

Very good but needs work

The opening of this story really grabs the reader and the mystery of what happens in the place it is set in keeps that fascination going. It goes along well with the main plot with the main characters. However, it is hard for the reader to really enjoy the story due to all the mistakes. There were countless problems with punctuation being we're it shouldn’t, lots of places where spaces should have been but weren't, and also capital letters missing where they should have been. You need to look at your paragraph layout also as it doesn't flow well and there are many places you didn't start a new paragraph when someone was speaking when you should have. Sort this all out and I guarantee it will be much better for the reader.

Very sweet

This story has everything for a romantic story in a beautiful setting, and it is a believable story too. One thing I would say is look over your sentences a bit as they could flow smoother. Great story though.

Sensational!

First of all so sorry for not doing this review for so long. I am a terrible reader...

But I must say this story was sensational! Absolutely sensational! The drama, passion, loved it all! The characters are all unique and believable, the world that is set up with the fantasy lores is carefully and clearly done. I also love and appreciate that you kept a lot of the parts of the traditional vampire lore but also made a few changes that made it believeable but not too many so that they are no longer vampires. I do also love the ghost family and the development of Victoria and Henry’s relationship is captivating. The only think I personally didn't like occasionally was that the story went a little bit too slowly for me. But apart from that it was brilliant! Hope it does great 👍🏻

A relateable story but it needs work

Many, many, mistakes with grammar and punctuation, lower case I where there shouldn't be, spaces where there shouldn't be. Also your descriptions of the setting and characters aren't good which makes the story chapters extremely short. It is a good idea many people can relate to.

Excellent idea but needs work

Good idea filled with mystery, but you need to look at the wording of a lot of the sentences. Many are awkward and sometimes there is past and present these. Also your paragraphs are not laid out well. Excellent idea though keep it up

Needs work.

Although it is a sweet idea, the writing itself makes that story be lost. There are many punctuation mistakes, spaces where there shouldn't be, lower case Is when there should be capital Is. The story could be longer and moves too short, even short stories aren't this short. Also your descriptions could be more detailed to help make it longer. It is sweet though.

Fabulous read for fantasy fans

An action pack book from start to finish with loveable badass characters. The supernatural side of it was brilliant with all the powers, and the plot was brill. At times the story could move a bit faster and the descriptions could be cut a little short to help that, and there a couple of minor grammar typos but nothing major. Also your paragraphs are a bit small, you could bunch them together a few times. But apart from that I loved it, so sorry it too me so long to do this review but I had the day off worked and read through it finally.

Interesting idea but it needs work

The tribe are well ser up and plot moves well. Paragraphs are a but all over the place so maybe group them together better. Also there are problems with punctuation and spaces being where they shouldn't. You should try to set up the location though earlier on and your sentences at times are too short and could be worded better. Good start though.

Needs work

There is no proper punctuation in this story which makes it hard to follow, also the lay out of it makes it feel more like a script than a story. If that is the case you need to get the proper punctuation and descriptions for a script in there. The descriptions themselves don’t give the reader much, but there were no spelling mistakes and your paragraphs weren’t too big, but sometimes they were too small. The relationship between Jake and Maria doesn’t seem good but also it needs to be set up more too for the reader, and show it through their actions don’t just tell the reader what they do.

Good start but needs work

The story moves at a very fast pace, it is difficult for the read to keep up. Add more description to the characters and the setting. Also there are a lot of grammar mistakes, and your first part just says ’start writing here’. It is an interesting idea though and your description does have a mysterious feel that draws the reader in. Get rid of the emojis though they are distracting. Good start though 👍🏻

Good but needs work

Lots of grammar and punctuation problems that need fixing. Ella does come across as a strong girl but you need to describe her appearance better as well as the scene around her. The dialogue between her Aiden could be a bit more playful, it’ll make things more interesting between them.

Amazing!

This story well written. It moves at just the right pace, there is drama, passion, and tension you could cut with a knife. Just fix the odd grammar and typo mistakes, maybe look at the word ordered and paragraph layout and it will be perfect. Maybe add a little bit more description to the characters too. I love the line 'London is different than Los Angeles. It is colder. But for me it is definitely warmer than the icy cold American dream.'

Gripping!

Oh, nelly! This is one story that keeps the reader gripped! The mystery around Elizabeth and her dangerous and obsessive admirer. There are times however where semi-colons are being used when they shouldn't and times where they are used too much. There are paragraphs that are too small, some sentences are too long and need to be broken up to be snappier, and the layout is a bit all over the place. Also, this line 'Midnight curls clung to the arch of her pale neck' that I think needs to be changed. Not sure what you are trying to say here. The line in the description, 'threatens to shatter her broken heart' I think needs to be changed to sometime more like 'threatens to shatter what is left of her already decimated heart' I do love the use of Latin and the quotes in the story. You really understand what Elizabeth feels when she finds the body! Keep it up!

Fabulous

This story is a good read for those wanting drama and passion.

Plot - The tragedy of Alena husband is heartbreaking and discovering that he was murdered is a shock. It is interesting to see this kind of story where the woman is in charge instead of the man. Good to have a mistress! However, I think that it is rushed. There needs to be more of a build-up of tension to keep the reader gripped. I know it is erotica, but it does make me a bit confused that Alena who is supposed to be still struggling with the death of her husband suddenly jumping on Quentin. The part where she says her husband's name instead is tragic, but it needs to be built up more. Yes, she is kind, but there is no way she should be making out with him in seconds. She should be being a little cold with him before she thaws out by passion. Build it up! Tease the reader more!

Characters - Alena is sweet. You can see she is truly broken-hearted by her loss and crying out for love. It is clear Quentin has been through some hardships also and needs love too. Jonathan, I am suspicious of, I think we need to know a little more about him.

Setting - The setting of this story is blurry. It is not at all clear what time period this story is set in. At first, going off the way Alena speaks you may think it is the turn of the century, but then you learn of modern technology which makes it unclear. The society around her with the rich people and bodyguards and the black market makes you wonder if it set in some kind of dystopian future. Also there are times where there could be more description for the setting just to help the reader picture the world the story is set in.

Grammar + Punctuation - Perfect.

Writing style - I feel there are times where you need to look at the layout of sentences to help them flow better. Some are too long and need to be broken up, others need to be changed to flow better and fit in with the whole of the paragraph better, Also there are times were some paragraphs are too small and could be brought together with other paragraphs.

Intro/Description thing - It needs to tell the reader a little more. Alena's full name, other stuff the black market sells, whereabouts in the world the farm and the story is set. Also the wording of the intro needs to be looked at again. It goes from talking about Alena's sister-in-law to the farm which feels shoe-horned in awkwardly.

Great start

Short, attention-grabbing and filled with a mysterious mood that is a great start to this story. Keep it up!

Brilliant!

Well, things escalate quickly meaning the reader will not at all be bored! Loved the use of the dream that repeated, really created mystery and intrigue. Just need some tying up, grammar, tenses, maybe look at the wording of sentences, but keep it up!

Real potential but it needs work.

This is a story that has clearly been thought out, it is a fast-moving plot that keeps the reader’s interest, however in order for the reader to really get into it I think there needs to be work done on the following:
World building, don't give everything away right away but epic fantasy stories do need the right set up.
Grammar, punctuation and uses of tenses. The lack of speech marks can make things confusing but if you are wanting to write in the style of a script that does make more sense.
Character development. We don't need to know all the names of the knights right away, but if they are key to this voyage they do all need to be distinct, as does the king and prince. Give them brief descriptions on their appearances to help the reader imagine the story in their mind.

Apart from that it is brilliant with excellent potential, keep it up!

Good but needs work

The description sets up things well but seriously lacking in important punctuation like full stops there though. The opening paragraph is ok, but it is one big sentence that needs to be broken up and you need to choose better descriptive words. You repeat ‘cold’ in ‘cold snowy’ and ‘cold-blooded’ - this needs changing to maybe frozen snowy or cut-throat. The lack of full stops continues into the first chapter and your paragraphs need to be put together better too. A lot of your paragraphs are just long sentences. It does move at a good pace though. There are times when after commas you start words with capital letters, is that where new sentences are supposed to start? If so the commas after the word before it need to be full stops. You also you ‘I’ a lot like ‘I did’ and ‘I saw’, maybe trying changing that a bit because it is repetitive. There is also problems with punctuation after speech marks. Commas and full stops right after speech need to be in the speech marks, and you need to make sure you start a new line for a new speaker, that only happens once in chapter one. The build up to Leo meeting Freddy was very good, but again the long sentences mean it isn’t a smooth read. The line ‘I apologised them like a gentleman’ about a third of the way into chapter one should be ‘I apologised to them like a gentlemen’. Just after that you start a new line and paragraph with ‘it’s’ but it needs a capital I. There are a few really long paragraphs that are hard to read due to the long sentences and lack of punctuation. The mystery around this figure and the fear is interesting and you really feel how much it is troubling Leo and how desperate he is to catch him. I liked the cliff hanger of chapter 1 too. In chapter 2 you do give good information to the reader, but the last line in the first chapter needs to be changed to make better sense ‘we were not sure if he was alone or operated as a group’ needs to be ‘we were not sure if he was alone or if he operated with a group’. The fact he becomes a star on social media and there spooky hashtag really makes this more disturbing and says a lot about the area and world this story is set in. In the second part there are a few times where the wrong speech marks are used at the end of speech. There is an interesting and thrilling story here but the many mistakes hide that. I'm sure it will be great when you fix them and the reader will enjoy solving the mystery with Leo.

Needs work

The description is short and interesting, I would lose the :) though it looks childish. The **introduction** bit in the prologue was confusing. I think opening it with Elise talking about who she is would be better. The introduction of her bother and Jake could be better too, show us them instead of telling us about them. The paragraph at the end about stay tuned feels unnecessary and gives spoilers which can turn the reader off plus it’s in a different point of view which is strange to read. There are times in the prologue where there are capital letters where there shouldn’t be and I feel like the reader doesn’t learn very much about the world this story is set in and that doesn’t make this story stand out. The information about her father would be better in the prologue and help with setting up the world the story is set in better. Your sentences are very long, and they are missing punctuation or need to be broken up into shorter ones. In the last sentence of the first paragraph of chapter 1 ‘us.My father’ should be ‘us. My father’. Also, you say her father didn't claim the vampire throne which his after her grandfather, which indicates something happened to her grandfather but you don't tell us what and it is very abrupt. If you were trying to create mystery you need to give a little bit more detail to make the reader wonder what happened. When the bit where they are speaking comes along there are lots of mistakes such as missing capital letters at the start of the speech, no proper punctuation to go with the speech except for speech marks, no full stops at the end of sentences, starting new sentences with lowercase letters instead of capital letters, and even a lower case ‘i’ that needs to be a capital. The lack of detail in descriptions of the character and surroundings means the reader can't get the picture of what's going or be immersed into the story. Your chapters are too short but adding more detail will mem them longer. There is a space between the word alpha and the speech mark where the doctor speaks, also the bit going from Elise talking about her family to her playing to them going to the hospital is all far too quick and lacking detail. This story overall needs to be rewritten as it isn't a very smooth or enjoyable read. More detail needs to be added, there needs to be more world-building and the laws of the world need to be established better. The characters also need to be set up and introduced better. However, I'm sure there could be an interesting and good story here as I have not read or seen many werewolf/vampire/witch combination stories. I'm sorry that the previous review was not very honest or helpful.