Daniel Harris

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Plot
Writing Style
Grammar Punctuation

Victoria Tale: The Missing Children

What drew me to your story was the premise, as I myself am a Sword Art Online fan and from the mentioning of ‘full dive’ technology I’m assuming you are too. Stories like these definitely have the potential for mass market success, however I wasn’t drawn in by your first chapter enough to make me carry on reading. One of the greatest pieces of advice that was given to me was to start your story at chapter 2, ie. forget about all the introductions and trivial information and ‘full dive’ into the plot, so to speak. There’s no reason why you can’t start us in the game itself - that would definitely be more engaging, unless you had a good reason for showing us the purchase ect. If you did, I’m afraid for me it didn’t translate, as I found myself by the end of it knowing nothing about characters except for their hair colour, and therefore I didn’t care about them. Readers have to care for your characters from the start, and I couldn’t even identify a solid protagonist. On top of that, your writing style is very choppy. It was a lot of ‘She did this. He did that. This happened.’ I suggest going over some grammar techniques to help your writing flow better and give it personality. Choppy sentences work for a certain emphasis on something but not if they’re overused. Overall your story has potential, don’t get me wrong, just work on your writing style and engaging the readers more. Make me want to root for these people no matter what. Add tension. Add stakes. And bring it all in the first chapter.

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