frankfortpetersen

Formerly a crossing guard, Frankfort Petersén gained notoriety after preventing a parade float from colliding with an ice cream truck using only a whistle and a dream.

He now documents his totally real investigations in what critics are calling “memoirs” and his ex-wife calls “a prolonged delusion.”

He resides in Welvin, Massachusetts with his angelfish Fitch, his modified Glock, and a growing collection of sharpened pine needles.

70% confidence. 30% unprocessed trauma. Infinite ammo. Zero chill.