Hallie

Thirteen year old, who loves reading and writing! My life motto is a single word. Smile.

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Interesting,

I really enjoyed this story, and I liked how you kept it somewhat ominous. The concept is interesting enough so far, and I am excited to see more for this story. I do suggest that you explain more in your story. I know that you don't want to tell us much, but I think you should describe their history a little bit more. I put feedback on one specific line that I think you could make so much better! The "I love you" line is extremely powerful, and extremely important to the story, so It is important you make the readers connect with thhis line. When you said "All of a sudden...." and started talking about the bad memeries, I felt like you kind of avoided the topic. Which I totally understand that was what you were going for, but I have a couple ways, again, that you could make this line more powerful without having to explain much. First, drop the "All of a sudden". When people use that it makes the writinf a lot less interesting. The reader doesn't need to be told that because we already know that. Also, maybe add more to the line. It doesn't have to be specific "bad" memories, but maybe say something along the lines of "The memories constricted her into a corner she knew that she might never escape. It killed her every time she thought of him. She wanted to love him, but maybe she couldn't. How could she love a monster?"

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