Iria Enahoro

Berlin, Germany

passionate storyteller with a film and media background. I go wherever my imagination and dreams take me. Dabbling in all genres, mostly mash ups but always with a sense of humor ;)

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Real, poetic and daring!

I loved how psychological and character driven this story was. I've honestly never read such a strong LGBT story before. This felt so authentic. Reading out of the POV of a concerned mother who's love and expectation for her child blinded her and ultimately lead to a crime of hate... the biases and thinking patterns were so well described. This novella felt intimate and personal almost like a memoir based on true events, that's how real and unfiltered it was portrayed. The poetic language used to describe details and behaviourism was exquisite. The author has immense control of his lyrical writing and therefore captures certain images that remain branded in the readers memory. The build up of suspense really paid off beautifully.

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Great Premise! Grammar needs work...

I just started reading and very much enjoy the set up. Premise is really good. I like the the dynamic between the protagonist and their dog. My advice for the author is to take another technical look at the manuscript in terms of structuring dialog properly and most of all taking another good look at the grammar. It feels like the author's first language isn't English. I noticed a lot of faulty sentence structure, problems with general grammar, and jumping from present to past tense. Other than that, it does not speak for its content which i believe has a lot of potential once polished. Good work!

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New twist to an old trope!

The set up was done quite well. I like how the author used the traditional werewolf trope only to add a new spin to an oversaturated mythological theme. There's a good focus on something new. It reads like a nice young adult story. Ellie the MC has huge potential to become a strong female character right off the bat given we are thrown mid-scene and mid-action to her world and upcoming changes.

On the technical writing skills and general writing styles I have a few comments and pointers:
- There's a tense problem in this work. Author switches unconsciously between past and present tense
- Author should consider using more active voice because of a lot passive sentences that diminish impact.
- A few times I'd prefer if the author used more SHOW vs tell to strengthen the story, for ex: "Ellie's step dad was a jerk" or "her Mom was a nice woman" better to give examples to show that they are who they are rather than stating facts that it is so. I say few times because the author does manage to give compelling examples which support it so these "facts" are quite futile at times. Beautiful sentences like "worn out look in the eyes" are perfect to describe states of mind and give the reader more things to observe character development.
- Sometimes the author tends to over explain emotions behind the dialogue. Most readers are smart enough to read the intentions of the way things are being said by the way the author took time to set up the characters personalities. It already shows itself when the author manages to naturally weave them into the writing style. To the author... trust your own writing! Readers appreciate it! All in all, this novel has a lot of potential and the main character comes across very sympathetic!

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Rant or Storytelling?

This book feels like one long rant instead of a well executed story. Some sentences and ideas presented have potential but it's all TELL vs SHOW. This manuscript needs a huge revamp to be able to capture readers. It reads like a diary of a young teen but I doubt that was the intention. Some research on story arcs and how to structure a novel from beginning to end would help the author a lot. The dialogue is all over the place and therefore the pacing is off. Who is speaking, why does it have relevance to the story? The swearing adds nothing to character development. Why is the main character presented with so much anger? the sentence structure is tailored to speech and doesn't translate well into literature on page. Maybe with this writing style a diary approach would not be the wrongest way to present the story. Lots of grammar mistakes and awkward sentences need to be reviewed and proof read as to smooth the reading experience. But from the summary, the story seems far away from the initial presentation of genre and story expectation.

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First impression is strong!

*Disclaimer: review is based solely on reading the prologue and chapter one as the opening hook.

I really enjoyed the set up and play with philosophical statements. The atmosphere, world and characters of the story are compelling. I enjoyed the jump to mid-action after starting with a mysterious, suspenseful beginning. This work however needs a good editor who can proof read the technical errors as well as spelling mistakes and a few awkward sentences. The reader can tell that is must be translated from another language perhaps?

This book has huge potential and world building draws the reader in very quickly. Sometimes the dialogue could be fleshed out a little more to be a bit more specific on who exactly is speaking. But the author has a strong storytelling talent!

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Great idea but lacks finesse!

I really liked your premise to show us the perspective of a villain. But to do that you must SHOW not TELL and you are 'telling' the entire story without leaving room for the reader to interpret things that happen on their own. The reader must judge for themselves whether the anti hero or villain is truly evil by the actions he does. I follow your line of thinking and what you wanted to create but in order for the story to become alive consider diving more into the psychology of the villain. Why he thinks the way he thinks, what traumas caused him to become anti heroes, what makes it attractive to become the villain instead? imagine yourself corrupting to evil, how would that take place, how would if feel? what would make you turn away from good? don't simply state that it is so... that makes it unrealistic and not believable enough. Draw from real life situations to flesh out. You have very interesting points and thematics like feeling like LOVE is a false reality but why? Did the villain experience so much hurt in the realm of emotions that he became that way? if so, how did it come to be that way? that's where you show it with actions, interactions, but your story sound like you the writer is simply telling it like a campfire story to someone else. I can't seem to connect to the villain or see him as a real person. Don't tell us how amazing the superpowers are, show us. Different heroes? maybe they are all ignorant and narcissists? WHO is your villain? Watch out for your technical writing skills, you have a lot of grammar mistakes and sentences often used in speech that won't work on page. Look into how to structure a story arc. I wouldn't recommend starting off your book with a huge info dump but rather start with a defining personal moment of the villain. a breaking point in the middle of an action will surely draw more readers into your intriguing premise of exploring villains....

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