I'm in no way shape or form qualified to be reviewing other people's work but I truely believe you have boundless potential in story writing. Just read the first three chapters and I can tell you have the enthusiasm and love of stories to succeed. Keep on writing till you have finished the book, dont even read back what you have wrote. Then when you have completed the book go back chapter by chapter editing it, polishing it, fixing any grammar mistakes. Then repeat the process till you are satisfied. When you are satisfied leave the story for a few week then come back to it and go over it again with a fresh mind, that way you can pick out any small little changes you would like to me before calling the story complete. Your story is definitely for the female/young adult genre so I'm totally out of my depths, but I think you have a great story to tell, just stick at it then polish it up. Remember to drop you character into a horrible situation then chapter by chapter no matter how hard they try to overcome these obstacle they fail. In doing so they learn new things, become strong and eventually succeed in the form of a climax and a conclusion.
Read the story now