Jonathan DeLacuso

A writer in the beginning searching for inspiration where it may take me.

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Needs some work.

Alright, this is going to be a bit of a harsher review, but I think you could use it for improvement. I caught this collection by accident and since I like poems I thought I would give it a read. And I definitely see that some improvement could be made here.

First and foremost, never, and I mean Never (with a capital N), spell out the meaning of the poem to your audience. I understand that some reviews gave you that kind of advice, but, honestly, that's not good to do. You can tell people in the comments what the poem represents to you and want you wanted to get across, but people should be left to their own interpretation. Only then do poems truly shine and become something people cherish.

When you outright tell people what it means, then the beauty is gone. The curtain hs been pulled and the magic is gone. There is a famous quote about telling a joke that goes "Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You may understand it better, but the joke dies in the end." The same is for poetry. If you have to explain it for people then the whole beauty is ruined. There is no discovery and we learn nothing in the process and your words kinda fall in quality.

This was especially grating in the second poem where the message was loud an clear (perhaps even too much so) and you still felt the need to explain it. I know some may not have gotten it fully, but you should engourage them to seek the meaning further and not just blatantly tell them. It's like giving someone a riddle and then telling them the solution right away. There is no fun in that. Explaining every line was also unnecessary as it once more damaged the poems themselves.

Some poems like poem 3 felt a bit broken with the phrasing. It may be because english is not your first language, but I would advise checking grammar and the formation of the words. Yeah you can write poetry as you want it, but it still needs some structure (unless you are going for full dadaism, but I dont think you were).

I did like poem 5 and how you used the imagery in it to portray the feeling of it all. It was very impactful (even tho a bit ruined by constant explanation). This whole collection feels more like slam poetry which is kinda awkward in a written form. I would advise more usage of literary devices (such as similies, metaphores and the like) to give the full impact in your poems. Also try to add a little bit more meat to it as some of them can be a bit too short (tho this isnt really a criticism but more of a personal preference).

Also if you feel people arent getting your messages across you can make poems longer and more visuals to them as well as subtleties. Instead of saying "fake friends" you can portray them as "Demons with angelic faces" or say something along the lines "you hugged me with one hand while driving the knife in my back with the other". Try a bit more of imagery like that instead of blatantly saying to us.

Poems 7 and onwards are what I wished the previous ones were. While they can still be improved upon at least you dont explain every single line (even tho I am not a fan of the explanation below). In fact their quality in general is better so try to go that route more and try to do a rhyming scheme or add more imagery (if you are going to go freeform) so that your points get across better.

Overall, I do think you can impove quite a lot here. Though the rating I gave is rather low, this does not mean I want you to stop writing. In fact, I encourage you to write more, but I would also advise you to look at other poetry written in english and build up on it. Look up literary techniques used in different poems (there is a lot of them and they can really help your work out), try to find more images in your head that will help you create a stronger poem, check out some online classes on grammar and sentence structure as well (especially in poems where structure can be crucial. See how the shakesperian sonets work, how haikus are written, how diferent styles work). You can find some basics here: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poems/other/ and build from there. I truly do wish you the best of luck and I wish that you continue writing. I have a feeling you are only at the beginning of your journey and I think you can go far if you practice more. Keep at it and I hope you find this review helpful.

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It shows a lot of potential so far.

This is really my type of fantasy. The style it is written in, the attention to detail you put into the whole story and the way your world-building seems to be taking off really have all the right elements of a magnificent work of fantasy. There are some things, mostly technical in nature, that I think you should take a second glance at, but overall this is a fantastical piece of work that I am glad to start reading.

Without further ado, let's get into the criticism portion of the review first:

There were some misspells and grammatical errors in this work. I tried to make a mental note of them, but the work was quite engrossing enough for me to forget the exact place where I had seen them. I would suggest a quick read through to catch them all.

You could stand to shorten your paragraphs a bit when posting here. Maybe try to break some of the larger ones in half so that they are easier to read on the site. None of them were "a wall of text" bad, but I still think it would be serviceable to the overall flow to shorten those that you can at least.

This one is more of a personal preference, but I would have halved the first chapter. It seemed slightly too long which can be an issue for something that a reader that is starting off with the story. THere was a bit too much happening in it and the reader does need some time to process all of that information. Personally, what I would have done is to have the first chapter be the meeting between Siofra and the warden, him showing her his family heirloom and then stop the chapter as she goes into a trance so that the two memories she experiences are in chapter two. It builds up the memories and makes the first chapter easier to digest a bit.

Now onto the praise portion of the review:

We don't know too much about Siofra yet, but from what could be seen in these two chapters she seems like a very interesting and powerful character. Her physical and mental strength indicate a very powerful warrior combined with a mind of a clever strategist as she clearly does hold a high position within the ranks of her group, as indicated by the second chapter.

While I cannot comment a lot about the other characters as I need more of this story to make my feelings known about them, we do have really interesting hints about their roles in this wicked world. Same goes for the whole world building as I still lack more information about it (though, there are some great hints of a really interesting world. I especially like your take on the Siren's mythos and where that could take us).

My biggest praise goes to two things in this story that I found so far: the memories (more so the ones pertaining to the three siblings) and your writing style.

The scenes with the mirror and the music box were clever and very well done which is why I think they deserve to be their own chapter. They gave so many hints about the bloody past of tied to them and Sofria's ability to unlock these secrets made her own past and power seem very high.

The scene with the Siren song of the music box and the interactions between Arthur, Noline, and Aleta were interesting to read about. The way the box skipped around was also cleverly done and very vividly explained and the transitions flowed effortlessly. Same with the mirror. The Siren music box also gave me an insight into your world building capabilities, capabilities that I wish to see more of going forward with this story.

Your writing style is really what makes me want to read more. You have a very vivid and colorful imagination and you have a firm grasp of the English language to express these imaginative images into words. The level of attention you pay to each and every single scene really makes it a spectacle to read. However, as I too use a similar style, I must warn you: Your style can be a double-edged sword. If overused, the descriptive style can become tedious and you can get yourself lost explaining things that aren't important to the story. This has not occurred yet and it may not occur ever in the story, but it is something to keep in mind.

What I really fell in love with in this work were the subtleties you used to describe the surrounding. This was especially evident in your description of the warden and his treatment of the women around him. Slight bruising that spoke louder than their screams or stories spoke in hushed whispers about him ever could. It was delightful and if I am being brutally honest, refreshing to see. An experts usage of show don't tell.

So after all this, why did I give you only four stars?

The main reason for this is the fact that I do not have enough of a story here to give it a proper five stars. Same reason for the plot being four stars. I don't have enough to go off on here for that rating. This is not my final review of this piece. I do plan to return to this review once the story is finished and to add more to it, depending on how the story goes.

I do, however, believe this is a five-star work so far. It has everything I like for it to work. An interesting mystery, a potentially kickass MC and a world unknown to me. It is writting on a very professional level and it shows a lot of potential for future growth in its early stages. It has earned its spot in my "Beautiful Fantasy" reading list for these reasons alone and I intend to follow this story as closely as I can.

Good luck, keep writing and keep being awesome! You have a truly wonderful gift here and I hope you cultivate it into something great by the end of our journey.

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A dragon is born.

Since my previous review only covered the first four chapters I have decided, now that I have finished the first book, to give a more rounded review on the piece as a whole. I believe this work requires a deeper look into it because of how well it is written.

As a big fan of draconic lore, my curiosity was immediately peaked for this work. It also helped that it was written by an author whose works I have previously enjoyed quite a bit and this one did not disappoint. I dare even say that this one might his best work so far. As for the reasons why that is, I will explain them throughout this review.

Now there were some minor grammar mistakes, that the author has since rectified, that I noticed while reading through. However, those mistakes were really minor and they did not impair my enjoyment factor as I read. For the most part, the grammar was spotless therefore five stars for this category is more than justified.

The author's writing style as splendid. This is something I have to expect from this specific author and once again he managed to step up to the proverbial plate and hit a home run with this work. From the meticulous detail employed in designing the numerous variations of dragons to the beautiful characterization, it all worked so well like a finely crafted Swiss watch.

The characters were very lively and they gave a fresh breath of life in the story. Their personalities clashed wonderfully (such as the hyper-aggressive Naydrus and the calm Gar).

The pacing in the action scene was very brisk and it usually kept me the most engaged. The fights involving the fearsome "shell-eater" were especially adrenalin-inducing as they kept me glued to the screen, wondering what will happen next. And the fight between Naydrus (and Gar later on) and the dragon hunters was especially enjoyable due to the glorious, and effective, quips and one-liners they used. At other times, the author was really able to reel it back and let us soak in the atmosphere of the new place where he had taken us. Even the emotional scenes were very well done (such as the scene where Gar protected Naydrus while a storm blew outside). Overall, the pacing of the story was really good and it made me hungry for more.

The characters themselves were really well done. One of my favorite themes throughout this story was the developing relationship between Gar and Naydrus as she slowly began to trust him more and more as the journey went on. Gar's calm nature clashed very well with Naydrus' burning hatred for the hominids and her impulsive nature.

One of the greatest themes of the work tho is the underlying theme of attempting to do things your way. In a sense, Naydrus' quest is something I believe many hominids go through as they grow up. As human beings, many of us want to carve our own paths and deject the complacent world where we grew up in. Even if that world is 'ideal' we still want to see more and we still want to try things differently. We want out freedom and independence as well as our own choices to make about our life.

For Naydrus' siblings, this type of a predetermined life that the wretched hominids provided may have been enough. However, that's not what Naydrus truly wanted. She didn't want to slave away just so other creatures can exploit her. In essence, what Naydrus truly wanted, is what I believe everyone wants deep down: the freedom to do what we want.

Of course, the author does not shy away from the brutality of such a life. True freedom always comes at a cost, especially the type of freedom in which we deject all other paths that are already carved for us. The world that lied beyond the human walls was a dangerous one and one wrong move could land you in a lot of trouble. Every time Naydrus would act too impulsively, the author would punish her reckless actions by making the situation a bit harder than it would have been had Naydrus done things differently. In a sense, Naydrus is the embodiment of teenage rebellion and she embodies a dejection of standardized norms of her society.

This story also focuses on the importance of good allies. At the end of the day, we can't do everything ourselves. Sooner or later we will need the help of someone wiser and more knowledgable than ourselves. In Naydrus' case, this was Gar. An ancient behemoth of a hominid who had devoted his life to protect dragons and to help them achieve their true potential. Even with Naydrus' protests, he still stuck around and helped her mature. A wise and kind mentor can help their students to become stronger than even they thought they could be.

The world building in this work is off the charts. Another trait that I have come to expect out of Psycho. The lore is very rich in this work and the world we see here is very vibrant and alive. It is filled with wonderous forests, towns surrounded by walls, toxic fumes, and underground tunnels, sanctuaries that can house dragons themselves and so much. The creatures that inhabit it vary from the bipedal humans and the furry plague doctor ahks (and many more that are left hidden to us in this first part) to the flying dragons and Lovecraftian mutations of their kind (including the fearsome yellow "shell-eater"). It is glorious.

Overall, this work has thoroughly and utterly impressed me. It has a magnificent story that can double as "coming-of-age" metaphor, excellent and vivid world-building, heart-pounding action, and amazing characterization. I take my hat off to the amazing author for another successful masterpiece. C'est bien! Brava!

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A Fantasy Like No Other

Every now and then, you read something spectacular. Something so amazing and ingenious that you have to ask yourself a very important question: How is this not being sold in bookstores already? How are more people globally not talking about this? How is there not a movie made based on this book? How am I still reading this for free?

These questions and many more are the same ones I asked myself after I finished this story. Though I use the word "finish", I suppose it may not be the best word to use in this case as the book has no real ending. Not that it is incomplete but rather it continues on, spanning into other books of the series that I wish to get to after reading this. It has been quite the exhilarating experience reading through this and I will detail my exact thoughts on everything in it as I write this review.

To start off, I would like to offer some constructive criticism. There were parts of the book that had the slight issue of parenthesis being used where they were not needed to. I would advise the author to look out for that.

Another thing I would advise the author to look out for is the usage of the word "then". This word can really be a gift and a curse when writing especially when it is overused. Heck, even if you repeat the word twice in a row it starts to be annoying a bit. This issue occurred only once or twice in two or three chapters (and the author has since mended the issue), but I would suggest keeping it in the back of your mind for future usage.

Other than those minute issues there really were no issues I found regarding this story. There were one or two places where the quotation mark was missing, but honestly those I chalk up to an oversight that can easily be ignored. The grammar was really tight and crisp and the tenses remained consistent throughout the work. There was nothing worth removing even half a star here for.

Profanity is something that is very much looked down upon in the writing world, however, I do not believe it should be so. It has its place in the written word (i.e. Catcher in The Rye) as it does portray the reality of our world. As much as we may wish that not to be the case, it is a fact of life and shying away from it does not help us. The use of profanity in this work and harsh language, in general, is very well done and it gives the story a wonderful sense of realism that splendidly mixes with fantasy.

The author's style is really something to behold. It seems to change depending on the tone of the story. It can range from a dreamlike feel that hits right in that sweet spot between reality and fiction. It describes a place where reality and fantasy intertwine to weave a tale that is unlike any either world had seen before. The author can also pull off horrifying and haunting imagery such as the nightmarish appearance of both Charlie's and Paul's dad in the Forest Most Dark. It can also be very heartwarming and bittersweet such as in the wonderful "Love" chapter as well as heartbreaking and really gut-wrenching as was the case in the "Loneliness" chapter of the "Three lives" section.

The author himself has such a great understanding of his own story and his own world that I have stood there in amazement. The boo throws many curveballs at you and no matter what you think the story might be, you just never truly know. The journey is littered with hints, foreshadowing, and subtleties that even the greatest mystery writers struggle with. And one of the biggest subtleties comes in the form of songs used throughout the story.

The songs the author references are varied in both theme and meaning. Some are given as overarching songs that carry the feeling of the story. Others are songs given to specific characters and can tell us about these characters more so than we might assume at first. Some songs even reveal the plot to us, though that realization can only come to you at the end when you are retrospectively reminiscing about them. It's a tactic that I think is very unique to the story. Sure some other stories have used songs and their lyrics in specific parts, but this story uses them to the point where they are as important as the prose itself. It challenges the reader to seek them out and remember them. It also shows off the author's love for these pieces of art and is a tribute to them and the masters who have performed them (some of which have left this mortal plane as well).

The themes in the book are also very powerful and can be quite heavy for a YA story. It deals with death, abuse (in all of its forms), loss and fear. It shows us the demons hidden within all of these characters, whether these demons are personal or they are actual people in their lives. it shows us that a man is so much more than just good or bad. That reality is not as black and white as we like to believe it is and that there is so much more hidden beneath each person.

However, those dark themes are not the only ones it deals with. It also shows us light, happiness, and love beyond compare. It shows us that by defeating our own demons and through our own courage we can achieve wonderful things. Our lives are in our hands and that our mistakes do not define us unless we let them to. It shows us that bravery is rewarded and that strength, true strength, comes from within us all. It shows us that love is so much more than superficial attraction. It shows us that true beauty of love lies at the end of a long life and that it is our ultimate path. That path may be paved in thorns, but it still leads us to a brighter tomorrow. Everyone is capable of rebirth and happiness as long as they are willing to face themselves in order to achieve it.

That balance of darkness and light is what really impressed me and I believe it is the ultimate message I too will take away after reading this. For that message alone this novel is already great, but there are so many other things I have yet to talk about.

The world building in this novel is beautiful. This is something that astounded me because I recall the author telling me he does not read high fantasy often. Yet, the detail with which he crafted his own world, the uniqueness he employed within it, the way he connected them all, is akin to some of the best highest fantasies I have read. It blew me away with how the author was attentive to everything and employment of a multiverse theory in it was just the icing on the cake. The level of thought put into it all is not lost me and I simply adore it.

But, of course, the story is nothing without its characters. And, yet again, the author succeeds in this regard as well.

The cast, even in the first book, is very wide and varied. From the mysterious Mrs. Flowers and Billings, through the guides and the maidens, and then back to our human trio and their loved ones, all of the characters have so much life to them that they feel like real people. Every character leaps from the pages of the novel and becomes a real person so much so that you wish they were real.

The dynamic between Paul and Alexandra is very well done and was one fo the biggest highlights in the novel. They talk like real children, behave towards one another as kids in love do and their ending is quite bittersweet when all is said and done.

The human monsters, such as Greg, are also portrayed in a very interesting light with the level of complexity one would expect from such villains. The past and secrets behind him are very powerful and it shows that even he was able to overcome his own weakness once upon a time.

Many other characters deserve to be described, but I feel that I have revealed far too much already. The best I can say, for anyone reading this review, is to read the book and you will fall in love with them much as I have.

While reading this, many comparisons came to mind. The usage of closets in the first few chapters is reminiscent of Narnia, Mrs. Flowers seemed like Mary Poppins at times, some passages invoked biblical imagery in my mind, the usage of the dark forests was reminiscent of Dante's Inferno, the three lives segment rminded me of a reverse Christmas Carol mixed with a visit to the Twilight Zone. However, the closest one I could find the comparison for is Labyrinth and not just because it has David Bowie in it. The same mystical feeling of reality clashing with fantasy, the usage of heavy symbolic imagery and the prominent usage of symbolism is what draws the comparison in my mind.

And yet... This book is none of those things. It is a unique and original experience that draws inspiration from the well of other great works while also staying true to itself. It is a work that pays homage to those that carved the way for it while also carving new paths into the mind of those who read it.

Teens will benefit from reading this book and even some adults could use its messages in their own lives. It is a book that transcends demographics and brides that age gap and can appear to both young and old.

It is truly a unique and wonderful experience that I wish to see in the bookstores one day. it is deserving of publishing and so much more. Cherish this amazing work you have created and I wish it to be your legacy in this world of ours. Beautiful work my man.

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Ambitious journey through time and space.

Science fiction has always been one of my favorite genres. The vastness of space and the different races that exist within it can be a gigantic well of inspiration and, in the right and capable hands, they can lead to epic stories that span several books. Stories that just make you crave for more. This is one of those stories.

I really didn't find anything that I did not like in this book. Sure there were some grammar mistakes that I informed the author of (hence the four stars on grammar), but other than that I found no errors that warranted the removal of a star. One thing that might turn off some readers is the length of the chapters as they can be pretty long, however, there is a reason behind such lengths as every chapter is filled with new information and exciting battle scenes. I found myself glued to the screen whenever one of them would pop up and they took my breath away each time (but more on that later).

The first thing you will notice upon reading this book is the level of description the author has. From the vivid scenery of the swamp to the amazing detail put into every weapon, every ship, and every character. The shapes and colors of the ships are so varied and so unique that it makes it really fun for the reader to see what other design the author has in mind. The level of description of every single one of these vessels goes so deep that I am pretty certain that the author has thought of the exact type and shape of the bolts used on the ships. Hell, I wouldn't even be surprised that he even thought of a backstory for the manufacturer of said bolts.

This is something I love to see and I wish more authors would implement this level of care and thought into their creation rather than recycling what we had already seen before. While one might draw loose connections to some other works, this work is really original and holds a universe that we really want to see more of. Heck, even what we get in this story is but a fraction of a fraction of what this universe can offer. It clearly shows that this work is a labor of love and hard work and I am truly excited to see what more this universe has to offer.

We have mentions of many alien races (and some even hinted at) however the main two that we have here are the Puwandese and the horrifying Xith Kai. Both races follow our protagonist through each part of his life and they represent different difficulties that he has to face.

The Puwandese are a very interesting specimen, to say the least. These creatures, on the surface, appeared to be very simple-minded and quite brutish to the point where you question how they even became a spacefaring force. However, as you read on, you quickly learn that these creatures have indeed managed to make a barely functioning space vessel that is falling apart as it flies. There is some sort of ingenuity in their simplicity and their low intelligence is what makes them so frightening. There is no reasoning with a Puwandese for they only live to fight. They are massive behemoth that tower even the Pillars themselves and they can cause massive destruction through a combination of their recklessness and their brutality. When they are first introduced they are a huge menace, however, over the progress of the story, they are overthrown by the horrific Xith Kai.

As scary as the Puwandese could get at least you COULD kill them. At least when you blew the Puwandese into smitherines they would stay dead. The Xith Kai are not that easy to kill. These organic horrors that wouldn't be out of a place in a Lovecraftian horror (especially when combined with the horror known only as Skrauj) are resilient, numerous, and nigh impossible. Their horror is very easily felt in the story as numerous victims fall prey to the decaying soldiers. The usage of bone fragments and flesh in their design makes them very interesting as creatures and the conglomeration of the flesh into larger monstrosities makes the akin to a Lernian Hydra where when you cut one down, two more show up (or hundreds more in the case of Xith Kai). And the real kicker? They have specialized anomalies with rune infused spears that are essentially eternal warriors. One of the most memorable scenes is when one of these Xith Kai spear wielders impaled a young mechanic running away for her life. Also, the way they look at their victims is especially unnerving and the guttural scream of "Xith kai Skrauj" they produce sent chills down my spine. Gotta give it to the author for making such horrors.

As far as the story itself goes, it is really separated into two parts (represented by the two aliens listed above): The Coming Of Age part and The Bregu part. Both of them focus on Killigan Ghor and his exploits.

Reading about Killigan throughout this novel you really see his growth, his rise to power and the somewhat tragic fall he has during the awakening of The Xith Kai. In the beginning, you meet Killigan as nothing more than a child who stumbles upon some strange artifacts in the swamp. Through his own ingenuity and hard work, Killigan manages to make these artifacts (golden gloves) work and uses them to first smash a crate and later barely to save his father from the invading Berserkers of the Blood and Bone Marrow God Blumarak.

These event later on sets on a chain of events that lead Killigan into becoming first a regimentary recruit, then a Pillar Scieldan (a super soldier with an enhanced genetical make up) and finally a Bregu. In the beginning, we get to see Killigan's struggles that range from him witnessing the death of people he was supposed to call comrades to the destruction of a whole city by the Puwandese. He serves as our eyes in these situations as we witness the true madness and danger of the universe we are put in. He is also surrounded by very colorful and interesting characters such as the doctor that turns him into a Pillar and, of course, chief badass Prosecutor Zenith.

While as a child he is not that much charactarized as a bregu Killigan earns a lot more characterization. As he becomes older his views mature and he is able to create a new Foundation to protect his own system.

One of the most touching scenes in the entire novel was the meeting scene between Killigan and his father Barlatan. In that scene, we see just how much Killigan had matured and how much his home planet hs changed as well while he was away. The contrast between an old Barlatan (who was a well built and mighty blacksmith at the beginning of the tale) and his gigantic son really paints an interesting picture and gives us a symbolic passing of the torch so to speak. Barlatan's lament about not achieving his dream was also very touching. It also created a sort of dramatic irony where you have Barlatan who had not achieved his dreams but had achieved peace and Killigan, who had achieved his dream, but peace was far from him. It really does relate back to the whole say "be careful what you may wish for, you just might get it".

Furthermore, in his Bregu days, Killigan was also joined by very interesting characters. Eerie stood out the most to me as she was someone Killigan knew from his beginning and she was a very interesting character to follow with her dream and only goal being to build the biggest Titan possible. She was mostly portrayed as a slightly cold character, but whenever the topic of a Titan would come up, she would become as giddy as a twelve-year-old. It was quite entertaining to see that.

Outside of her you also had the laid back Oodravos and the firebrand Fodr. At first Fodr seem to be somewhat of a rival to Killigan, however, during the final confrontation with the Xith Kai in the novel, his true colors showed and he became something of a badass. I loved it!

There were many other characters and foundations that came to prominence such as the afore mentioned Prosecutor Zenith, the entire Crimson Gaze foundation that was so proud that they even turned down the God of Pride out of their own pride and their massive Titan (which gave us one of the most memorable scenes in he finale and one of the best dying words), the incredible Veruus and his badass fight with the spear wielder Xith Kai, old man Barlatan and many many more. The book itself is alive with characters and you want to know more about each and every one of them.

I could go on and on about the incredible things in this book, but I think I have spoiled enough so far. Sufficed to say this story gets a five star rating from me for the incredible world building, wonderful characters and an incredibly brilliant and bittersweet ending. It's a work I feel that does not get nearly enough attention and it was a wonderful journey throughout. I wish the writer all the best and I wish that they continue to make such quality content.

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A true diamond in the rough.

This story has me a bit split up. A lot of things within it are things that I like and want to encourage in other authors. A unique setting, interesting and lively characters and an element of political intrigue are all elements that just make me fall in love with a story. This one has all of those elements and then some which are what I adored reading through. It is what kept me going through the story and allowed me to see that there is a beautiful gem hiding here. However, it is quite rough and requires a little bit more of a polish to make it shine like it truly deserves. In this review, I will try to point out what I consider to be some major issues with the story that hold it back as well as explain why I feel this is. To do so, I will start this review with the criticism portion first, before heading into praise. So let's begin.

Talking Head Syndrome: this is the most benign issue and it really bothered me only a few times in the whole story, but it is an issue nonetheless. This issue occurs when we don't know who is saying what in some segments. The conversation just keeps going and we are not given clear indication as to who is saying what. Yes, we can infer such information from the context, but this isn't the point. The reader should know exactly who is saying what at any given point. This issue is especially annoying in the chapter where Wren is talking to Malfic and Felsic as at one point we lose ourselves completely. I had to reread that section three times just to find out who is saying what. Furthermore, this issue also robs us of character behavior. We don't know how they said certain lines and thus we don't gain some emotional investment that we could have gotten. It is quite the missed opportunity to put some weight behind the words said. Always think of how a character said certain lines, what were they feeling at that moment and how do these feelings externalize themselves on the character's posture, facial expression, hand gestures, etc. It adds quite a bit.

Grammar: I decided to give you 3 stars for the grammar because of two main reasons: 1) there were quite a few grammatical errors throughout the work. Certain words were misspelled or downright confused for other words (one that reappeared was the mix up between since and seen) and similar. One case had a word ending very weirdly which I believe I sent you in the feedback email. I tried to catch as many as I could, but I lost track at one point. To fix these issues I would suggest you reread the book one more time and that you also utilize either an online free proofreader or reread the chapters yourself and try to catch all of the misspellings and such.

The major issue that dragged your grammar down was the tense swapping. This is something I have noticed in a lot of new authors (I did it too at one point) and it's an issue a lot of people who write in the first person POV tend to do. The switch up usually occurs because the writer is unsure whether the character is retelling these events or are they living through them right now so it gets jumbled up in the finished product. Since the majority of this novel is written in past tense, there is no reason for you to use the present tense. Even in chapters in which you switch to first person POV you have to keep your tenses consistent. The jumping between tenses tends to give off an unprofessional vibe and can be reminiscent of some poorly written creepypastas rather than an intricate piece of Sci Fi like this (keep in my mind this work is miles above such stories which is why I do urge you to fix this issue as soon as possible).

Writing Style: I decided to give your writing style 3 stars because of two reasons. As I read I noticed that certain sentences were written very awkwardly and that they ruined the flow of the story. Just as well, there were repetitions of certain words or descriptions that felt more like placeholders for something else (if that makes any sense). The majority of these have occurred in the first few chapters and could appear sporadically throughout other chapters as well. I would suggest an edit to this story be made and that you reread it to catch as many of these as you can. I tried to find as many as I could and send them via feedback mail, but, just like with grammar, I couldn't find them all.

There were also some scenes in which the characters told us about certain events unfolding while we did not see them. One that comes to mind specifically is when Verza said to Wren what the Great Raven was doing. Like I mentioned in that chapter, we should have seen the Great Raven doing these things and have Verza comment on its actions rather than having Verza tell us these things. This issue was not a common one in the novel, but I would suggest you look out for it.

The major issue in the style and one of the things that really weigh this story down is the POV issue. The POV issue has been my major gripe with this story since chapter two. The constant switch between the third person to the first person was jarring enough at first, but then it really reached its peak annoyance for me in chapter 12 when you added Mazan's POV into the mix. Unlike Wren who is one of the main focuses of the novel, Mazan is a character who has a major role in two chapters. Her perspective was not needed. She is not a minor character I will give you that, but it is kinda jarring to see yet another POV just out of nowhere.

The worst offense in this regard was in chapter 4 where it switched from first to the third person in the chapter itself. It was incredibly jarring.

The switch between first person POV than to the third person then back to the first person gets annoying quite easily, however, they both have their good points. The first person does make it easier to connect with Verloren (Wren) and it makes it easier for us to see inside her mind while the third person lets us focus on events outside of Verloren's feathering.

There are three roads you can take here from my perspective: 1) go, full third person, while sacrificing some of Verloren's emotional struggles 2) go full first person while hiding away a lot of the information or 3) try for a third person limited approach.

Third person limited is a POV in which you can use third person descriptions while solely focusing on the emotions of one character. Who that character is can be dependant on the chapter, but essentially the idea is to pick one central figure in the chapter and show the world and people around them through their eyes. It is somewhat more challenging to write and I do suggest looking up some videos on the issue. Of course, the problem with this one is that you will have to do a major rewrite to make it happen. Which is a huge deal in and of itself. I would suggest sticking to regular third person for the novel.

Overall whatever you chose, just chose one and stick with it.

And that would be the criticism portion of my review. There is a lot to unpack, but I tried to sum up my main negatives about the work. Now onto the positives.

One of the things I really like with this story is its uniqueness. The world you have created seems to be post-apocalyptic and very fascinating. We don't know what truly caused the world to be the way it is, which builds an interesting side mystery as well, though we know that the world is now occupied by bird-like humanoids and freaky mutations in both the flora and fauna. The passion you have for this alien world you built is not lost on me at all as intricate and detailed imagery permeates throughout the story.

The set up between different tribes as well as their overall contribution to the Avisland is definitely fascinating and there is an amazing bit of lore regarding each tribe and how it is structured, what function does it serve and how susceptible it is to corruption. Also, the way that corruption is expressed is different for every tribe which is also a very interesting note of world building.

The world building in this story is very well done as it reveals information in bits spread throughout the story rather than clumped into one place. It makes it so much easier to follow and you easily get hooked into this world.

You have a really vivid and powerful imagination to come up with such different gadgets, weapons, castles, and character designs. Really the descriptions are a huge saving grace for this novel in my eyes.

The characters themselves are another big saving grace. Wren is an interesting girl to follow and her emotions are very well explored throughout the novel. Verza is another character I easily fell in love as she is both wise and an adventurous free spirit. I adore characters like that. Nadel is amazing in her nutty behavior and her relationship with Goldfaust is beautifully demented. Who knew that someone as clean as him could fall for someone as crazy as her? It's always the quiet ones... (I know he fell in love with PAvise, but still). Goldfaust is another very interesting character and I really enjoyed his knight in shining armor schtick as well as his badass moments in the final battle between the traitors.

The political intrigue between the tribes as well as the final battle is also what kept me on the edge of my seat and it kept my full attention. I loved it!

Finally, why I rated this four stars? To be honest, after reading the first two chapters I was leaning towards 3 stars initially. However, later developments and stunning revelations, as well as my personal engagement in the story itself, made me reconsider my decision. The story has a lot of potential, but it desperately needs to be reworked. It is unique, fun, exciting and it was a blast to follow, but ultimately it has some issues that weigh it down. With that said, if you ever do write a sequel, do let me know. I have really enjoyed this novel despite its flaws and I truly wish to see you succeed in writing. You have talent, you have potential and all you need now is the experience and the realization of it. And I truly believe that you can do it! Keep up the good writing and shine on ever more.

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A passionate and lustful journey through the land of the vampires

I shouldn't like this novel. In essence, this novel is not something I should be enjoying. A romance tale focusing on vampires with soft erotica? Sounds like something I would avoid like the black plague. And yet, here we are. The eleven chapters that I have read so far have blown my expectations out of the water and showed me that every story should be judged on its context and the talent of the author rather than on the idea alone. So let's begin this review with the things I found could be improved.

The grammar in this story was mostly clean (apart from a few mixed up tenses), however, there were some awkward phrases and run on sentences that ruined the flow of the story. The author has been very receptive to criticism so far and has made improvements to fix this issue. However, since it was an issue while I was reading and it is an issue that occurs later on a few times, I felt I should bring it up in my review as well. Sometimes shorter sentences can make it read better and they tend to improve the flow of the story by a large margin. This is why I have decided to give you 4 stars in this aspect.

The other 4 stars are due to the POV issue that happened in chapter 8. You could have (and should have in my opinion) kept that chapter as Alexander's POV rather than shifting it. This was very jarring because 1) this never happened before or after in the story 2) it felt odd to take us into the castle and then out of it before going in to the castle again and 3) it lead to the biggest repetition problem in the story where we saw the whole scene of Celeste go off at the royal vampires one more time (which looks more like filler which is something you do not want to have in your story). I felt like I was being dragged all over the place while reading that part. An easy fix to the issue would be to keep us in Alexander's POV (without announcing it of course) and have us experience all the events that follow through his eyes. It was a one time issue and combined with some awkward sentences it brought down the Writing Style to 4 stars.

An issue I kept seeing in the comments here (and in some reviews below me) was the issue of Celeste's and Alexander's design (or lack thereof). After reading the whole story I can confidently say that the author has either rectified this issue immensely or it wasn't an issue in the first place because both of them have rather large descriptions dedicated to them. These descriptions are woven into the tapestry of the story and they appear naturally when they are relevant. I actually found that to be an excellent use of description rather than dumping it all in one place.

Also, as a suggestion, avoid use words like "bitch" or "butt" since they have a more modern feel to them (in the case of "bitch") or are simply too comedic to take seriously (in the case of "butt"). This was not an issue worth docking a star for, but it's something I would personally suggest to you.

Now, with all of that said, there were a lot of things that I really enjoyed in this story. It felt very refreshing in a genre filled with Twilight/Vampire Diary clones and as it keeps going there is so much more to find out. This as much of a mystery as it is a romance. However, I am getting far too ahead of myself.

One thing that I must compliment the author is for having a unique voice. The way she writes and expresses herself, the way her descriptions feel is very unique and not often seen in this genre. It carries a vibe very reminiscent of the romanticism era (some descriptions even teetering on a baroque feel) which give the story this gothic allure that is simply irresistible. The verbiage is filled with passion and vigor so much so that even I felt at a loss of breath at some scenes. It shows love and dedication to the craft which resonates with the reader on a nearly subconscious level. It is truly wonderful.

This entire story feels to me like a version of Beauty And The Beast, but on more ways than one. In fact, the characters themselves are both the beauty and the beast just in different contexts.

The beauty of Alexander is mostly superficial, at first glance. He is the charming macho lead, the irresistible alfa with a natural addition of charisma that comes oh so naturally to a vampire such as himself. He is a charmer a character that, at a first glance, you would believe to be a noble of the highest degree. However, he too has that beast side. His beastly side comes in form of his lust and his inability to handle rejection. He is a very aggressive character deep down in his core that, in all honesty, would be more akin to a werewolf than a vampire. When denied, he will do anything in his power to achieve his goals. This lustful beast is given the front and center stage in chapter seven where it comes to full fruition. However, once satisfied, that beast seems to revert back to his nobility showing that there is something salvageable in his heart. There is a glimpse of kindness, a sliver of good will and at least a hint that he truly can care for someone other than himself. He is a product of his surrounding and after chapter 7 he becomes a kinder soul (combining with his revelation in chapters 8 and 9) capable of caring for someone he has grown fond of. It shows an interesting dualism of the character which makes him somebody whom I want to see more of.

Celeste is also a dualistic character in that sense though in her case it is much more apparent. Her animalistic and feral exterior is very well shown from her first introduction as she is seen slaughtering one of the king's men and later on his soldiers as well. This beastly and primal side also comes to play in chapter 7 as she is on the verge of giving in her control to the beast as well as her primal urges. It's a passionate flurry of maddening emotions that quickly spiraled out of control in that chapter and served as a stone that crashed into a lake sending its waves throughout the other chapters as well. P.S. I like how that chapter connected well with others as well and that it wasn't just a one-off thing that did not affect anything. However, there is a beauty inside of Celeste and on her outside. Physically, Celeste is described as very attractive especially when she is not covered in blood and she does have a beautiful and caring heart. Whether by intent or accident you made a very powerful dichotomy there where her surface is very rough and battle-torn, but beneath it all lies something truly beautiful. Both physically and metaphysically speaking.

All in all, this is so far a great work filled with passion and an excellent author. I have to compliment the author on her mature attitude towards criticism and the way she is improving the story bit by bit. She does have a lot of natural talent and a huge well of potential which, combined with more experience and this healthy stance towards criticism, will certainly bread an excellent and powerful voice that will, hopefully, bring new life to the vampire genre. Keep up the good work and shine on ever brighter. I will be following this story closely.

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A tale of revenge that would make Lovecraft proud.

Well, well, well. This is quite delicious so far. I must admit I adore horror stories like this. Vengeful spirits brought back by a mistake combined with their powerful emotions. It's quite the set up you have here and I would be excited to see more of it.

When I write a review I like to begin it with either criticism or praise. For a work like this, I'd like to start with the criticism first since there are only a few things I would like to note in that portion.

First off, you're beginning was very interesting, however, I feel like you could have set the mood slightly before letting the priest speak. Maybe describe the atmosphere a bit to ease the reader in before hearing the preacher's booming voice. Just something I would have personally liked.

Your punctuation in this work needs a bit of work though (which is why I have deducted a star there). There were some misspells as well (most of which I have sent to you in my feedback mail), the most egregious one being the confusion of jugular and jugglers.

Saying that he "sliced jugglers" of his foes makes me think that Beren sliced in half a small man juggling balls on their neck and that's not the image you want to envoke in a horror story.

Try to work on your comma usage as well. It's something I struggle personally with as well, so I would suggest looking up its usage in literary works more. And please watch out for run-on sentences,

I know I had quite a few things corrected in the feedback email, but they were mostly minor mistakes that I know a lot of writers make. They did add up though so that's why I removed a star on that front.

Now that we have that cleared out of the way, let's get into the praise portion of the review. And boy oh boy is there a lot to praise this work for.

First off, let's talk about Scorn. Scorn has got to be one of the rare beings that I can fully call Lovecraftian horrors. The term itself is thrown around a lot these days, but Scorn actually feels very much like a Lovecraftian creation.

Scorn is an entity that may or may not exist outside the dimension of life and death. He is represented by dark tendrils coming from a bright tunnel or at least that is what we are lead to believe. The possibility of something like that existing far beyond our knowledge, far beyond our dimension, removed from the world we know is terrifying. We don't know what Scorn truly wants nor what his ultimate goal is, but we do know two things 1) we know that something like it exists and 2) we know that it cannot be good (considering all the blood sacrifices it requires).

A creature like that is what made Lovecraft's works truly terrifying and maddening to read and to see such a being reappear after all this time is truly refreshing. Many claim his title, but rare authors actually capture his essence especially in the monsters they create. Scorn has the potential of rivaling Cthulhu with his description and I truly hope you keep him in the dark and maybe add to his power as the story goes.

The cult surrounding him only serves to testify to his brutality and horror and we fear this creature that lives beyond our mortal plain. A true cosmic horror like that deserves all the praise it can get.

Your style of writing is very beautiful and highly descriptive. Every image appeared right before my face, every foul, wretched, stench of blood and gore oppressed my nostrils. Just thinking back on it gives me goosebumps. It really was a marvelous job.

I have to give you credit as well with your usage of gore. While this work had enough blood for a blood bank, it never felt out of place or jammed in to make the work seem grittier than it truly is. It was used sparingly and at the right moments, making it fresh and gruesome each time it appeared. It was quite impressive and I loved it!

The characters themselves were very intense and interesting. I liked the description of Beren's backstory and especially the second chapter. it really felt depressing and dark and I could feel my heart break as he watched his desolate village. It was truly beautiful in the most macabre way. The pygmy was also an interesting addition as well as her decaying steed. Really sets the tone for a dark fantasy.

Overall, I really liked this piece. I think if you continue you could make it even more terrifying as his vengeance consumes him whole. As it stands it is a wonderful piece of dark fantasy mixed with cosmic horror and I would really wish to see more of it. Best of luck to ya mate.

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Lovely start, though it requires some meat

I will start of this review by saying that you have a very interesting story developing here. A quest like this one certainly seems quite interesting and it can lead to a lot of harrowing trials and tribulations.

William as the main character seems to be very interesting. I like the idea of an "ordinary" man raising up and assuming the throne. The idea itself reminds a bit of Tolkien's views which is always a huge plus in my book. He does seem at least somewhat intelligent and well read and such a brain would serve him well in his journey.

Eleanor is a very interesting character herself. She seems very intelligent and her deadpan and no-nonsense attitude really make her an enjoyable rival to William.

I also want to compliment your descriptive nature. You have a very good sense of description and scene set up and I wish you do more with it. You have an interesting style and I like the tongue in cheek comedy approach to the whole situation. It really makes it more unique and enjoyable to read. I really like it when authors have their own unique voice in the story.

With that said, there are some things here that I truly think you could work on.

I did notice some smaller grammar mistakes, mostly regarding misspelled words. I think a quick read through could help you out to iron these issues.

The bigger issues I have are your world building and the pacing.

The world building in this story feels a bit confusing to me. You talk about kings, ancient heirlooms, dragons, sphinxes and all this mystical stuff and in the same vein you mention helicopters and television. Without a proper explanation it comes off as incredibly jarring and I felt slightly disoriented. Are we in medieval times? Are we in modern times? I don't know.

A way to fix this issue would be that you give us a feel for your world. We could have spent some time with William in his house and to see more of his surroundings rather than just being plopped in medias res. You mention he read about the Choosing in a newspaper although I feel like it would be better than we saw him read that newspaper. Maybe add another chapter in which you introduce us to this world and the setting and then you get into the Choosing. Show us William in his workplace, hanging in the local tavern (or pub if you want to combine fantasy and reality).

You should also slow down a bit in some respects. Let us take in the atmosphere of your story, allow us to get a feel for your characters before going into the adventure. Remember: in fantasy, it is always about the journey rather than the destination. Don't be afraid to slow down and give us more description.

Also in chapter two, please put quotation marks when William thinks. It was slightly off-putting to read that part.

Overall this is a pretty good start to a very interesting story. I am excited to see what else you have in store and I would love to follow William and Elanore on their journey. They are fun characters to follow if the Sphinx encounter is anything to go by (just make sure Elanore doesn't lose her sharp edge as time goes on).

Keep up the good work!

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Very promising, though it requires some work.

I would like to start off this review by saying that this book has a very interesting idea behind. A maze, like this, offers many creative turns and rooms that could exploit both the physical and psychological strength of the characters. It is truly something that can get the reader's blood pumping and make them excited as they follow Kadence through the story.

You have quite the interesting cast here. Kadence seems very competent and quite intelligent, even if she can be a bit of a hardass at times (which is understandable for the context of the story). Pascal seems like a very humorous and likable character and he does well to balance Kadence.

You also seem to have a good grasp of the descriptions and it can be very imaginative and beautiful. I advise you to use more of this style and to pace yourself more.

Unfortunately, there are some problems that weigh this story down. These issues are rather common in new authors and, with a little more practice, I think you can make something great here. You have a strong base you just need to work a bit more on the rest of it.

There were some grammar issues I noticed with certain words being misspelled and some of the words you used tend to be slightly clunky. These issues can be fixed with a quick read through. I would advise that you proofread or get something like a Grammarly extension (which I use and it has helped me in my spelling) to help you out with grammar.

I have mentioned the formatting issue in my comments, but it bears repeating: shorten your paragraphs! A wall of text can be incredibly jarring on the eyes, especially when it isn't necessary. Some key points on paragraph separation to keep in mind would be the following:

1) Whenever someone speaks, separate it in a new paragraph. Even if you described that person, you should separate their speech in a new paragraph always.

2) When describing someone, try to separate their description. In one paragraph you could describe their look, in another, you can describe how others perceive that person or you could say something about their history, personality etc. It makes it easier to read.

3) When you want to emphasize something it would be good to separate it into a new paragraph because it visually represents the importance of said something.

The other much bigger issue that I have noticed is the pacing, particularly in chapter 2. You really need to slow down when you are introducing new characters so that we can feel for them. This issue is mostly seen in chapter two where you introduced four new characters in rapid succession (I am technically counting in Hale as well though you did give hints about him in chapter one). Which brings me to the biggest issue: a larger portion of chapter 2 is very hastily written.

You introduced all these characters and gave a small description of them and just glanced over who they are and hints to their personalities. The time skip really hurts you here as 1) it is quite the long time for no one to talk to anyone 2) it basically reads like "nothing happened and nothing of interest was done" which can come off as lazy and 3) you miss out on so much characterization.

You tell us Hale "made out for an uncomfortably long time" with the goth chic (which, minor side note, I think you should give her a bit more of a description rather than just "the goth chic". She is important to one of the big players in this maze and so that description doesn't do her justice), but you glance over it. It is an incredibly big part of Hale's story and you just mention it in passing. There is no emotional investment for the reader there and thus we don't care about Hale or gothy since we don't see how strong their relationship is. Yeah, Kadence tells us they cry holding each other, but it's pointless less we see it and feel it for ourselves.

Kadence tells us something, but it seems like it is just brushed off. If you don't show these moments, we feel nothing and thus we are incapable of connecting with the characters. If we don't care about the contestants then we slowly stop caring about the story as well and that leads to a lot of issues.

I am sorry if I come off as too harsh, but it just disappoints me because there was so much potential there for us to see another side of Hale and we just didn't.

You also said that Arisollia commanded that they call her Aris. Again, hearing this from her muzzle would be so much more effective as it would show off her character and gives a hint to her personality.

Instead of a time skip, which damaged the story more than helped, try to give us some character interactions in there. Show off Arisollia, Hale, Frost, and Gompers. give us a peek into their personalities from themselves. Play them off with Kadence or Pascall, show us the scene where Gothy and Hale say their tear-filled goodbyes. Build up to the Maze itself rather than going Leeroy Jenkins into it. Really I think you should rework this chapter a bit more.

You do have an interesting story developing here, I can see that. And I have a feeling that you are rather new to writing so I want to offer you as much help as I can. You have quite the imagination and I like that you deviate from the usual fantasy races and that you mix it up a bit. I can see glimpses of a unique and interesting world forming here and I want to help you achieve that in the best possible way. The only way to improve is to keep on writing and keep finding new ways to express yourself. Good luck and may the star smile upon you evermore. You do have a wonderful gift and I hope you keep working on it.

Keep it up and stay strong.

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A Different Kind Of War

I have to preface this by saying that I am not the biggest fan of romance. The genre can be appealing, but it, unfortunately, suffers from cliches that I cannot stand. I suppose I am of Morana's opinion when it comes to such genres. However, this story has managed to capture and hold my interest through and through. It is a story that starts good, gets better and by the time the last chapter hits, you begin to wish there was so much more. So, let's begin with the review.

First up, the criticism portion: there were a few misspelled words and some grammatical issues in the first few chapters. I have also noticed that at some points some words were repeated, which is a common mistake when uploading stories, so just look out for that. These mistakes were minute and they seemed to only become scarcer as the story progressed which is a great plus.

Now onto the praise and let me tell you, there is a whole lot to praise this beautiful story for.

One thing I really like about the plot is that you do treat like an actual war which is why I fell in love with it. The grueling battle between the princess in order to get to a higher status or simply to win the affection of a handsome prince is truly interesting to see. The cast system between different races adds another bonus element to the world we see and adds hints about the world in general which is amazing for a world building fanatic like myself.

The descriptive style is fully on display here, even more so than in your other novel. The amount of detail you put into describing every dress is incredible and it is even better when you place it in the context of the story, However, your strongest point was definitely the scene where Cael showed the winged horse to Liliya. I really felt her emotions at that moment and it just left me speechless. Truly you have a gift that you need to cherish and make it grow as you write more.

As for Liliya, I could not have asked for a better narrator. Seeing the way her mind works, how calculated and intelligent she truly is, just makes me like her, however, her bravery and resilience and her passion to save her kingdom makes me look at her in awe. She is truly an amazing creation.

As for other characters, Morana was awesome. I like the way her mind operates and how great of a strategist she truly is. She would be a most formidable foe and a most useful ally. Jelena is adorable, though I think she is unprepared for this kind of cutthroat competition. She still has too much of her innocence and I fear it may be taken away from her too quickly. Both princes seem interesting and yet I can't shake the feeling that there is something twisted in their design. Daneel seems a bit too aggressive and dominant, not to mention possessive, while Lian seems a bit too withdrawn. Which is interesting to see.

Mare really does terrify me and as a villain, she is very calculated. Someone like that should not be taken lightly.

Overall, I loved this. It is a fantastic read for all romance lovers and it is quite unique. I cant wait to see what else the author has in store.

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Are you truly happy?

Where do I even begin with this beautiful work? Seven chapters and I am already quite hooked. I could feel my heart beating out of my chest as I read and I really have to applaud you for that. So let's get the criticism out of the way first:

There were some spelling issues in the story which I believe could be cleared by a quick proofread. Recently, I have been using Grammarly as an extension to my chrome browser and it has helped me to clear out some of my own mistakes. It doesn't get rid of all of them, but it is a good tool to find misspellings quicker. +

And that's about it for the criticism portion because this story really has a lot of things going for it.

Firstly, the intrigue. Now, as I have mentioned in my comments, I love these types of plotlines. A beautiful, glimmering, radiant paradise, built upon corpses is one of my favorite subgenres of fiction and you have executed it marvelously thus far.

Secondly, your descriptive style. You have an amazing way of describing everything in such a dynamic and exciting way. I really felt like I was leaping across the rooftops with Luca, chasing down the Phantom and I could almost feel myself choking on the horrid smog that filled the streets. My heart was racing quickly during the action scenes and I could feel the oppressive aura of the black fog in the last paragraph of chapter 5. Truly it was an exhilarating experience.

Thirdly, your usage of the first person point of view was excellent for the story. It really added to it and I am glad you didn't use it as a cheap gimmick for the story.

And finally, the characters. I simply adore Hop and her interactions with Luca are absolutely adorable. They act like genuine friends and their antics provide a small moment of relief in a world as bleak as theirs. Felix was also an interesting addition, a mole that managed to slip under the vigilant eye of the Nox Knights, and Phantom was incredibly fun with her appearance. Her cocky attitude really reminds me of Ayla from my own stories which made me like her that much more.

Overall, I had a ton of fun reading these 7 chapters. I can't wait to see more of the story. Wonderful work!

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CRUMP DA GUMPS!

The Puwandese truly are he embodiment of the old saying "One man's trash is another man's teasure". These hulking war were a huge threat in Lux Locus, but seeing them here makes them even more terrifying. Their scrap metal ships truly can give even the humans a run for their money, because of the war hungry mentality they possess.

The fight between the two ships was truly exciting and it left me glued to my screen. The level of detail that author provides is breathtaking and you can see the two ships, clear as day, battling it out right in front of your eyes. And the ending of the chapter hit hard like a brick.

Marvelous work! Well done!

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