Jeffrey Ogochukwu

Felt very raw and personal.

I feel sad for Gareth. Poor guy. I loved how you where able to trigger some kind of emotion in me as I kept reading. Afterall, that's one of the goal of an author - for your readers to feel something. This was such a poignant trip down memory lane for the narrator. I literally cried when I read this, and not many things make me cry
Good Job!

While this was such a fascinating read, I noticed a couple of punctuation, spelling and grammatic error; like when you used "Mam" when you should have used "Ma'am," or when you wrote "The old man which looked to be in his seventies was..." when it should have been "The old man who looked to be in his seventies was..." & many others. Consider cutting off some redundant phrases like "off of." Also, I noticed that you kept mixing up the past tense and present tense together. You have the idea, but you lack thee creative prowess to get that idea on paper. You may want to consider getting professional eyes to thoroughly edit this fine piece.
Overall, you did great on this first chapter. This story brought me back to a time when I couldn't stand up to bullies.

Chilling and thrilling

Great story.

First let's start with the positives.
Your writing is smooth, an effortless read. You kept all your characters well organized and distinct, with believable back story for three separate generation. I love how Folly finally came to life at the end to embrace an inevitable fate.

Now the negatives.
I must say, that threesome between Rockerfellow, his wife and Fink came as a rude surprise without any warning. How do you go from having a normal conversation to that in a blink of an eye? most of the sex scene, if not all, seem unnecessary, as it doesn't move the story forward. Also, the dialogues, in my opinion, seem too shallow and a bit dramatic. And, of course, the little grammatic and punctuation error scattered throughout the story.

A darn good piece of writing!

I was immediately drawn in by the writing style, and the dialogues were just so beautiful. But as I progressed into the story, I noticed that you kept repeating the same thing repeatedly, which, for me, was tiring and boring as well. I also noticed a couple of grammatic and punctuation error scattered throughout the novel, but that didn't disrupt the pace of the story. This was such a good read!

What a truly brilliant piece of writing this is!

I have to say, at the beginning I was a little leery of this story because of it's slow pacing. I almost abandoned reading because I thought it was another boring family drama fiction until I read 'the story inside the story'. You perfectly wrote Josefa's progression from a poor, stressed teenager deprived of motherly approval, to finding a place of calmness and mindfulness as a married woman. Through those letters I was able to share in her joy and pain. The exploration of her relationships with mother and cousin was expertly done.

You have such killer sentences and phrases that make me appreciate your use of the English language. Other than a few punctuation, spelling and grammatical errors - and of course, a dull beginning, this was perfectly executed.

It can be better!

You have a brilliant idea for a story, but you don't know how to properly and creatively put it into writing - which is quite normal for any writer who's just starting out. Just keep writing and keep improving on this piece, I believe you have the potentials to turn this story into a bestseller someday.

This story is just so good, but it can be better!

Just got around to reading this, and boy am I glad I did! You sure have the brainpower to write fantasy and I loved it! It's really weird, in a good way, and have a lot lot of suspense at the end of every chapter which kept me glued up to the very end. I literally found myself wondering what's gonna happen next.

The eerie scenery together with the right touch of mystery gave your story a good headstart, but as it proceeded, a lot of things started to go wrong. For starters, Rose didn't seem as terrified as she should be during her first few encounters with Damien. Her character just wasn't real. I'm quite aware that one becomes silent when scared, but the scene where she got asked by Damien to be his dance pathner just wasn't convincing enough. She could have put up some resistance or acted like she was going against her will, but it all felt like she was cool with it after - for goodness sake, he told her his pathner just die before asking her to be a replacement. Who wouldn't freak out?

I understand that you aren't supposed to be too revealing, it's best you allow your readers to figure out what's going on - but this left me with a lot of questions. Her driver got killed, why? And by who? Why isn't there a backstory to explain who Damien's pathner was? Maybe that'll help us understand why he wanted to replace her so quickly. Or maybe after Damien took her to the graveyard for their first date, instead of introducing Cason as his late bestfriend, why couldn't it be his partner. That could have been a superb character development, but you rather chose to toss in another character whom you aren't really gonna tell us more about. Same thing happened with Damien's third brother - I believe his name's Jake- whom you lazily tossed into the story but barely even talked about him.Don't get me started with how incredibly fast Rose bonded with Damien - who's supposably portrayed as the most dangerous character in the novel. I was expecting to see a really gradual process in their friendship.

*spoiler alert*
I got a bit confused after chapter 12. I may be wrong though, but isn't Rose supposed to be turned after she got bitten by Damien? I know that bite was meant to erase her memory, but how is she still human? Does this have anything to do with him being half-vampire?
One more thing, you need to make the characters capture our heart so we feel what they feel, we should be able to share in their joy and pain alike, but this feeling was lacking when Mark stabbed both Rose and Damien. I literally felt nothing because i hadn't really bonded with these leading characters.

A wonderful piece that got me thinking.

It reads like poetry. I remember how I felt such depth while reading your story. It feels like you are both a novelist and a poet to describe this unique world so profoundly. It's a gift. I love how you portrayed our connection with the stars in the sky, while picking your words with care.You are an inspiration to all young writers like myself.

As beautiful as this story is, it still had it flaws. Grammar, spellings, and punctuation errors. I also noticed that you weren't sure when to capitalize your letters after a dialogue tag. I didn't feel immersed in your story... I couldn't get a feel of this world you're writing about. Why couldn't I heard the noise from the other persons in the background when Vincent and Josefina were having a moment in the bar? Where there no background music? I couldn't hear the birds chirping, wind blowing... I felt deaf while reading throughout the whole time.

Other than that, this story had many details that appeal to the senses which made it engaging for a reader. This was an excellent story, good job. Thank you so much for inviting me into your world.

Wow! This was beautiful!

l love the setup, it's so surreal. Your detailed description made me feel the story in my bones. intriguing! It started like the typical Cinderella story, and just when I was beginning to get bored by the cliche and predictive storyline, the plot deviated to something totally unexpected. I became totally hooked - thankful that I didn't abandon reading it after the first few chapters.

As much as I enjoyed the plot, I didn't feel immersed in your story... I couldn't get a feel of this world you're writing about. Why can't I hear the sound of other people buzzing with laughter, the rivers flowing, birds chirping, wind blowing... I feel deaf while reading throughout the whole time.

And also, when Victoria picked up Liam's royal pin after that first dance, I thought that would contribute significantly to the plot, turns out you only included that scene for the word count.

It reads like a children play

A stunning work of fiction. I couldn't help but love how a bunch of teenager aren't afraid to express their love for the other. I recommend this to anyone interested in children fiction.

Such a flowing, lyrical story.

This was so beautifully written - such a wholesome story to read. Although, the story started with the promises of some royal touch that I almost concluded what its ending would look like (since the story is not yet finished, I'm still speculating.)

Incredible writing - as a novelist, I appreciate a good story that's well written - I can't believe I have never read your stories before. While reading, I got this feeling of melancholy and Harmony. Beautiful!

A beautiful short story 🏆

What an interesting read! I'm not sure I completely understood the twist at the end though - that's if it's meant to be a plot twist.

That Was Awesome!

What a creative mind you have! Loved the story. It really intrigued me and conjured up some beautiful images. Especially how Erebus explained what's behind each doors. I loved the way you constructed this story around such an interesting idea and you brought such insight to it. Well done.Your narrative drew me in to the story and I felt like your character was sitting there in front of me telling the story. Really expertly and beautifully written, so much so that I want to read it again!

One tiny thing I spotted in your story is this. Leaving the reader with unanswered questions is great in moderation, but this leaves me with too many. For instances, Nemesis fell down a hole which brought her to Erebus' house. But I can't seem to get a feeling of this house. Where is it located? Is it in some remote neighborhood? I can't hear the sound of anyone in the house, or the wind, or the birds outside. I'm not sure how to feel about it. Is his house floating in space?

Your story certainly sounds intriguing! But fantasy and romance genres are not really my cup of tea. Nonetheless, I might give the rest of your books a read in my spare time.

Intriguing

There are definitely a couple edits needed. It is ab interesting read, not sure if the story is complete though. But if you do complete it, I'll love to for you to notify me.

Enticing

It's an interesting read. A typical "Alice in wonderland" story - or in this case, 'Anna in wonderland'. For a fourteen years old, you did a great job bringing that mystery world to life in a book. Keep up the good work.

A wonderful piece

It's an interesting read. You couldn't have been more detailed with your descriptions. A longer story would have allowed for an improved character development.

It's Great!

This was a very dynamic and engaging story, that resonates with me. It felt very real, and I love it.
Although, I frown at the little notes in bold letters which keeps interrupting the flow. You should consider removing it in later edits.