This story is just so good, but it can be better!
Just got around to reading this, and boy am I glad I did! You sure have the brainpower to write fantasy and I loved it! It's really weird, in a good way, and have a lot lot of suspense at the end of every chapter which kept me glued up to the very end. I literally found myself wondering what's gonna happen next.
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The eerie scenery together with the right touch of mystery gave your story a good headstart, but as it proceeded, a lot of things started to go wrong. For starters, Rose didn't seem as terrified as she should be during her first few encounters with Damien. Her character just wasn't real. I'm quite aware that one becomes silent when scared, but the scene where she got asked by Damien to be his dance pathner just wasn't convincing enough. She could have put up some resistance or acted like she was going against her will, but it all felt like she was cool with it after - for goodness sake, he told her his pathner just die before asking her to be a replacement. Who wouldn't freak out?
I understand that you aren't supposed to be too revealing, it's best you allow your readers to figure out what's going on - but this left me with a lot of questions. Her driver got killed, why? And by who? Why isn't there a backstory to explain who Damien's pathner was? Maybe that'll help us understand why he wanted to replace her so quickly. Or maybe after Damien took her to the graveyard for their first date, instead of introducing Cason as his late bestfriend, why couldn't it be his partner. That could have been a superb character development, but you rather chose to toss in another character whom you aren't really gonna tell us more about. Same thing happened with Damien's third brother - I believe his name's Jake- whom you lazily tossed into the story but barely even talked about him.Don't get me started with how incredibly fast Rose bonded with Damien - who's supposably portrayed as the most dangerous character in the novel. I was expecting to see a really gradual process in their friendship.
I got a bit confused after chapter 12. I may be wrong though, but isn't Rose supposed to be turned after she got bitten by Damien? I know that bite was meant to erase her memory, but how is she still human? Does this have anything to do with him being half-vampire?
One more thing, you need to make the characters capture our heart so we feel what they feel, we should be able to share in their joy and pain alike, but this feeling was lacking when Mark stabbed both Rose and Damien. I literally felt nothing because i hadn't really bonded with these leading characters.