Jenna Penrose

The Dutch's Bottle

Your story has potential to shine even more, and I like where this is heading. I like Anna's and Dexter's story, their chemistry and their love that allowed them to face a gruesome incident. And I understand how it contributed to Diana's life and her medical/psychological condition. At first, I thought that Diana has schizophrenia because she keeps seeing and hearing things that are not real, but when you wrote about Anna and Dexter seeing the black smoke around their daughter, it explained everything. Diana broke my heart because she can't fall in love like any normal person and I want her to have a happy ending.
Technically, I hope I don't sound harsh while I'm pointing this out but I'm only trying to help. I think there are some sentences that can be phrased better and in some case they are phrased the wrong way. Take in chapter 3 this sentence: "tell me what I have to do to persuade you?" This past sentence is not a question and it should be like this: "tell me: what DO I have to do to persuade you?"
I noticed you write a dialogue without action beats or tags. Show the readers more body actions. While the characters are talking to one another, what are they doing? Are they standing, sitting, doing something? How are their expressions and how are they voicing their words? What tone of voice do they have? Showing body actions and voice tones gives the reader a better image of what's going on and allows them to connect with your characters.
Are you writing in British English or in American English? Because in chapter 3, you used the word "apologize" which is the standard American spelling of thus word, while in chapter 6, you used "realise" which is British.
Pay attention to switching of tenses. Use either past tense or present tense to tell your story, not both. Pay attention to usage of prepositions.
Dialogue punctuation, tags, and action beats: cases on how dialogues should be punctuated.
-If the sentence is a statement: "I made coffee," he/she/they/I/my mother etc... said. (Note the comma and no capitalization)
-If the sentence is a question or exclamation. "Do you want coffee?" he asked. "Wow! You look so beautiful!" he commented.
- If the dialogue is followed by action beat: "I made coffee." He reached for two mugs from the cupboard (capitalization and point)
For more visit https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
Comma usage: Read aloud to know where to add your commas.
It's a good story and it has good potential, so don't give up and keep writing! :)

Passionate!

Excuse me if I sound harsh, but I tend to be thorough and honest in my reviews. This is my personal opinion, so take it or leave it.

I think you have a good plot for your story and you're the one who knows how things will turn out, but summing up everything I read, I must point out that the story is slowly progressing and that the chapters are excruciatingly long. Starting with the prologue, it felt too long for me as you kept adding unnecessary details, but it was definitely an interesting start.

I like the mix between the normal and human ballerina and the paranormal and vampire boy. You described two worlds and two entirely different lives and decided that they should co-exist. That's the fantasy element in your story.

Kayla and her friends are very realistic characters especially when they're discussing boyfriend material and living through the hurdles of being a ballerina. I understand that it's tough on Kayla to stay alone at her house, but I don't get what she'd be anxious about if her parents and boyfriend are always ready to leave everything and be by her side. I don't understand if she's jealous of her friend Meg or rooting for her. Maybe she's just the typical sixteen-year-old. The way she and Darius fight about silly things—that's in the early chapters—is so realistic. All couples fight after all. But that fight they had in the end was so serious, and I'm on Darius's side right now even if he's going to become a third wheel later in the story. I mean, he was all sweet and considerate and protective of her, and deserves to have some space for his emotional wounds to heal. The way Kayla reacted to the fight wasn't good. I think she's too spoiled and overdramatic. Who stops eating for two days just because she had a fight with her boyfriend? Not only that, she takes everything really dramatically and doesn't think or give herself some time to understand before panicking.

Kota's story started as a miserable teenager who wants to satisfy his hunger by avenging himself. To me, he seems rational even though he's a vampire. Maybe his necklace helps, but he has the desire to be rational as well. He's considerate of his family even though they didn't like his presence at first, he thinks before taking actions and notices when he's rushing or losing himself in something. That scene in the hospital when Kota heard Kayla singing was so warm and lovely. I thought, finally, here's a start. They met for a reason. Kota's relationship with Kayla has a reason. But I don't like that Kota can do almost everything. I can't pinpoint his weakness, and I don't like that he left no privacy for Kayla and Darius when they were fighting. Give him some self control over his powers.
The people around Kota have unique and diverse personalities. They're from different times and cultures and have different powers. I hate Hades the most; he's a sadist and enjoys torturing his capitves.

I said the story is slow, right? It took you until chapter 10 to put Kayla and Kota in a common situation and they didn't even meet yet. Then when they finally met and talked, Kayla instantly starts having thoughts about him and dreaming of him. Build chemistry. Create incidents where the two would accidentally bump into one another or meet somewhere bizarre or chat on the platform as they wait for the train or something. These tiny situations will bring them closer in a more realistic way. My objection is on the way they rapidly got into each other's minds, but their relationship is flowing smoothly.

Now Kayla has to choose, and it's going to be tough when she finally realizes she had a change of heart.

Technically, I noticed you tend to describe a lot. I liked the description of the ballet dance, and of course description of places and settings are important. But you go into details a lot and sometimes it's overwhelming. There's this one chapter where Kota spends it swimming with the dolphins, no offense, but I don't know how that contributes to the plot. Kota visits a lot of places, and it becomes really hard to follow up on the descriptions. Also, you tend to describe the music. I think it's better to suggest that readers listen to the piece of music mentioned so they could feel what the character feels and bond with them. Describing detailed actions of characters doesn't leave space for reader's imagination. I love the flashback of how Darius's and Kayla's relation began. Also the phrases and poems from Kota's grandfather are soothing and encouraging.

You have a lot of grammar mistakes, most of them are subject-verb agreement mistakes, and mistakes regarding preposition usage. You also use misuse some words. "Mines" is not a pronoun, it is always "mine". I can't mention them here because they're a lot, so if you like I can post them as comments. Let me know if you want to.

Dialogue punctuation, tags, and action beats: cases on how dialogues should be punctuated.
-If the sentence is a statement: "I made coffee," he/she/they/I/my mother etc... said. (Note the comma and no capitalization)
-If the sentence is a question or exclamation. "Do you want coffee?" he asked. "Wow! You look so beautiful!" he commented.
- If the dialogue is followed by action beat: "I made coffee." He reached for two mugs from the cupboard (capitalization and point)
For more visit https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/

? and ! don't exist together or more than once. (No ?! !? ?? or !!)

Consistent POV. I think you mentioned that you're going to italicize your characters' thoughts; otherwise it would look like you're switching between 3rd and 1st. But there are cases when you did.

Numbers under 101 should be spelled out in letters. Time is written like this: 10:00 a.m./p.m.

You tend to capitalize the dialogue each time someone is screaming. Write it normally and add a strong verb to tag your dialogue. Don't mix dialogues with other people's actions. The scene of the big fight was so crowded and overwhelming and I couldn't read it (chapter 19) separate the dialogues and tag your dialogues when three people or more are talking.

I hope I covered everything I can. You're a passionate writer and I can sense that from reading. You've got a good story that is definitely dear to you, and I'm sure you'll give your all!! Keep writing and don't give up! ♥

Weeping Ocean

When the closest person to you is the enemy, be prepared for the worst. But what if you don’t know that, and the final blow hits you out of the blue?

Little Ocean was betrayed by a person she considered family, yet she clung to her dear life with sheer willpower, determined to build her life up again from nothing to avenge herself. On the other side is a heartbroken Triton, who lost the closest person to his soul and became lost without her. Both are set to change their fates, and apparently, their enemy is one.

I loved how sophisticated the characters were—the double-identity and genius female lead, the heartbroken, or -frozen male lead, and the sister with HPD. Ocean seemed to suck everyone in with her charm, which was endearing but a bit unrealistic. The plot was good and engaging; some parts seemed rushed and others seemed predictable, but the author was able to keep me engaged due to the mystery that everyone was involved in.

Dee, your story has great potential! Keep up the good work!🌻

Blooming Youth

What a ride! I don't even know where to start. I mean, the plot is creative and not at all cliché. The idea of doing fourteen days of Valentine instead of one as a collective and obligatory participation for all university students is fresh and sounds fun.
Up till now, I found Mandy a pretty realistic and relatable girl. She's studious and passionate about her major, supportive of her friends, clumsy, funny, and shy when it comes to love. And . . . she has a sad past :o Yes, she blushes a lot, but I found her lack of self-control when it comes to Nick quite funny. There were moments when I couldn't stop laughing, and I can't wait to see Mandy's love bloom!

Technically, there are a lot of grammatical, spelling, and punctuation mistakes—confused verbs, missing words, subject-verb agreement mistakes, switching tenses, dialogue needs formatting. The writing style can be improved—watch out for repetition and over-exaggeration of reactions.

I find Adlyne passionate about her story, so I'm sure she'll do her best to make it shine. Amazing work!🌻

Swipe Wrong For Mr. Right

I don't read erotica, but since it's only the first chapter, it's alright. For a first chapter, I think it was good event-wise. You introduced the main character, and showed a bit of her backstory and nowadays life, and even put her in a situation that's going to change her life forever. The way you depicted the friendship between Jen, Gigi, and Fatima is nice, and I have this feeling that Jen is recovering from a toxic relationship and has a painful history.

Technically, the dialogues should be separated and punctuated. I think you should work more on the settings and characters' appearances in future chapters because things felt like a blank canvas.

Nice work overall! Keep it up!🌻

Chasing Death

After reading "Death on your Doorsteps", which is the first story in this book, I can tell that Merail has a unique way of captivating her readers. The word magical is a bit odd to describe a story that depicts death, but Adam's patience and determination to bring back his dead mother was the proof that even behind this utter sadness, there is deep love.

I couldn't help but relate to how Adam felt when he lost his mother as emotions and thoughts were delivered clearly. After all, we all have lost someone precious. It's a sad story indeed, but it is full of hidden gems and wise life lessons.

The story is written in a well-composed style that creates clear and crisp images in reader's mind. The characters are introduced smoothly and each of them has a unique voice. I especially love how Merail recreated some of my favorite princess’ stories and weaved them in a way that pushed Adam's story forward. The author should pay attention to repetition, and there are tiny mistakes, but nothing that hinders the understanding of the story.

Amazing work, Merail! Looking forward to read more of your future works!🌻

The Gourmet Gladiator

What I feel toward your story is indifference. There are good points and bad points, and that's what I'll be listing here.

Regarding plot and characters:
-First of all, the plot is good. I haven't read a story where normal humans get powers from eating different foods, but it reminded me of Charmy from Black Clover—that little magic lady who revives the powers of her friends by feeding them what she cooks. Toby reminded me of Zora, the guy who absorbs magic powers and increases their intensity before using them. When Toby got a weapon, it kinda reminded me of Noragami. (Those are two anime shows) Like I said, the plot is good, but the system of the world confused me. I couldn't tell who was in control: the Top Chef or the police, until the police showed up and arrested Toby and Roxy. And that was the moment when I thought: Where were they when Toby was wrecking havoc everywhere?

-Toby is a sophisticated character. I don't know if he keeps a lot to himself, but even if he does, you should show that. I don't understand how the way he's acting will aid in fulfilling his motive. At some point I thought he was a pushover. Even after he obtained his powers, I still thought of Toby as a pushover because he wasn't choosing his own way to become Top Chef—he was still following Helios. He completely abandoned common sense (even though you said he's the smartest) and became obsessed with power. I find that the way he goes on a rampage is pointless. Making your character a villain or someone unlikable is not an easy thing, but kudos to you on that.

Regarding writing style:
-Pay attention to redundancy and phrases. The superfluous usage of tags bogs down the dialogue and makes it heavy to read. There were weird phrasings that didn't make sense. For example: "The room flew circles around my head." What does that mean? Say: "My head began spinning in confusion." Or "to look at the shop" instead of "to keep an eye on the shop." Add to that missing or unnecessary words that give the sentences a weak syntax.

-You're good at describing fight scenes, but try not to make them into bulky paragraphs; it's scary. Overwriting is a tricky matter.

Regarding grammar and punctuation:
-The dialogue needs formatting. Don't mix someone's speech with someone else's action—it becomes confusing to tell who is saying what.

-Keep a consistent tense (you keep switching between past and present tenses.

-There are a lot of spelling mistakes, errors in the usage of prepositions, and even words that don't exist in the dictionary (sheeply instead of sheepishly/andvil instead of anvil)

Remember that your story has a good potential and good plot. I think making the world system and Toby's motives a bit clearer, as well as editing the story, will definitely make it shine!! Keep it up, Grant!!

Actually You!

Melissa is a hardworking, passionate young lady who lives alone with her kindhearted and adamant grandmother who always insists on her to get a boyfriend. Melissa, bothered by her grandmother's constant nagging, ends up lying to her grandmother, giving her the description of the guy she saw in the bus and telling her that he's her boyfriend. Little did Melissa know that she was going to cross paths with the same guy and slowly fall for his charms and sweet talk.

In "Actually You!", Adlyne tells the story of an endearing cast of characters—the goofy yet witty Melissa, and the charming playboy Maxwell, as the two embark on this journey of getting to know each other and falling in love.

Adlyne should pay attention to syntax, weird phrasing, superfluous tags, and dialogue formatting.

Reading this again felt refreshing actually, and I could tell there was improvement! Nice work, Adlyne!

Buckle Up For the Ride!!

Desperate to get out of the futile loop of the life she was living in, Skylar Carter decides to leave her family for good, returning back to her childhood home to get back in touch with her old self. Little does she know that when she arrives at Cherryville, she'll be swept off her feet by none but her handsome and hot childhood friend, Kade Bennett.
When Skye comes back crashing into his life, Kade begins to see her under a different light. The couple can't act on their budding emotions and desires freely, for there's Kade's fiancé, Amelia, standing between them. Thrown on a rollercoaster of emotions and dark secrets, the three of them find themselves in an inevitable situation that'll turn their lives upside down.

In "Cherries Bloom and Willows Wail", JessTheMess, true to her name, presents three complicated characters who try their hardest to understand their feelings while dealing with the hardships of their messy lives.

The author should pay extreme attention to syntax, repetition, and grammar and punctuation mistakes, but even that all won't divert the reader's attention from the twists and turns and ominous cliffhangers in the story.
Nice work on your first book, Jessie!! Looking forward to the second one!!

If You Don't Read This, You'll Regret It!!!

When I read the blurb, I thought the story was going to be scary. I had no idea I was up for a witty and amusing ride. The story began with Runa, an ordinary, easy-going poor girl. She was living peacefully, until the author decided to put her in an extraordinary situation, then toss her in a spiral of never-ending anxiety and confusion. A magical world bled into the normality of Runa's life. Within each chapter of Runa's adventure with the Sons of the Midnight is something new and inviting, something to look forward for. These guys, the super handsome and exotic Sons of the Midnight, are unique in their own way, and each of them has a distinctive voice. They're close-knit brothers, there's mystery wrapped around them, and their casuality swept me in a seamless flow.
On top of all that is the liberty of the author's imagination. There's no fixed setting as the House changes itself, but the places in the author's mind are brought out and delivered in mesmerizing and colorful images that left me amazed. I wasn't able to expect anything. There are illusions, mind games, and twists. The author is able to grasp all reader's senses and control the speed of events as well. One moment I would be laughing, and the other I'm left at the edge of my seat, waiting to know what'll happen next.
Save for a few mistakes, this is a magical and memorable ride, and I'm glad I had the chance to read it. Looking forward for more!
Dear author, you're a free spirit, and your work is fabulous!! :D

Path to Her Heart

It's a sweet, cute, and awkward love story between two people who were nothing more than acquaintances and are getting to know one another more. The sunflowers got my attention because those are my favorite flowers. You smoothly introduced your characters and the interactions between them were so natural and realistic regardless of the situation. I loved seeing Raina and Shawn moving past being classmates to becoming friends. It's so funny how you kept putting them in awkward situations, how Shawn teased Raina, and I like how you depicted the way a crush really starts. The pace of the story is good and the chapter length is relaxing to read. I could feel their awkwardness and embarrassment, and even their relief in the last chapter, and I can't wait to see their love blooming. Adding some problem other than having a crush on one another gives the characters some deepness.
It's pretty sweet and Shawn's determination to know Raina even more excites me to read. Her hesitancy stirs questions. There's an opportunity for you to complicate things more and make the plot more engaging. Looking forward for more! :)

OH. MY. GOD!!!!

You're the first omniscient narrator I've read for on this platform, and I can't begin to tell how amazingly you pulled this off!! The plot is amazing, well-planned, clear with characters' motives, and full of twists and unexpected events. Until the last minute, the events were still unexpected. It took some time for the action and drama to start while Leah laid out her plan, but I really love how you threw your ordinary characters into extraordinary situations. Leah is smart and cunning and sensitive, and even manipulative. I noted that she's left-handed—left-handed are more prone to killing by the way; I don't mean anything with this, I'm left-handed too :) Zakai and Maddie deserved whatever paranoia they lived through. Arlo, oh don't get me started on poor, sweet Arlo.
With each chapter, the plan became even more complicated, and I couldn't wait until Leah began executing. You seemed to understand your characters very well and they understand themselves too, and I could feel everything they went through. I loved that fluffy atmosphere between Arlo and Leah, too bad it wasn't a happy ending.
Technically, I noticed random capitalization in the middle of the sentence and some non capitalized proper nouns. Also, you seem to capitalize words after using ellipses or em-dash (—) even when the thought isn't yet completed. There're two spelling mistakes (interest in chapter 4/ storey in chapter 17) and (to see if) instead of (two see if) in chapter 19. There's one verb switched to present tense in chapter 7.
Regarding punctuation of dialogues:
Dialogue punctuation, tags, and action beats: cases on how dialogues should be punctuated.
-If the sentence is a statement: "I made coffee," he/she/they/I/my mother etc... said. (Note the comma and no capitalization)
-If the sentence is a question or exclamation. "Do you want coffee?" he asked. "Wow! You look so beautiful!" he commented.
- If the dialogue is followed by action beat: "I made coffee." He reached for two mugs from the cupboard (capitalization and point)
For more visit https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
It's really amazing. Well-planned and well-written. It made me think that love is really unreasonable and so are human beings sometimes. I enjoyed your story to the very end!! Amazing work! :)

Thunderclouds Over the Namib

Excuse me if I sound harsh, but I tend to be honest and thorough in my reviews to help as much as possible. I've read ten chapters only.
The plot of your story is certainly complicated—I had to read slowly to understand—with a lot of twists and unexpected events and history implications as well. It's controversial actually, as there are a lot of countries mentioned and dark issues that invilve them. From what I've read, John is smart but I keep wondering if he reacts to anything. The only thing that annoyed me is the portrayal of women as weak or needy; this part made me wonder in what era the story is happening.
Regarding writing style, I noticed that you tend to dump information in bulky paragraphs and you seem to narrate a lot, while you can actually provide information through more dialogue. This is why I felt you were rushing in the story and not giving each event and character space to shine. Slow the pace. Don't dump everything about your characters in one go. Show us their feelings (anxiety, suspicion, exhaustion) through body reactions to situations. When dialogues are present, I had a hard time figuring out who was saying what because you don't separate different speakers' dialogues on separate lines and you don't tag your dialogues. Let your characters speak freely and show readers how they're speaking (voice tone) Although, the descriptions of fights and even the city are good. Frankly, the slaughter and murder were very disturbing. Some people could be reminded of a trauma because of it, so I advise adding a trigger warning at the beginning of the story.
You don't have spelling mistakes, which is good, but there is word confusion and subject-verb agreement errors as well as punctuation errors. Sometimes the syntax of the sentence is wrong, and there's switching from past to present tense (that's why I had trouble figuring out what events were happening in the past) pay attention to tense consistency. I'll provide more through comments.
Your story has potential and with a bit of editing, I'm sure it'll shine! Keep writing!!

INSPIRING!!

Again, shout out and wild applause to the author, who is dedicating this story to domestic violence shelters. It takes bravery and an open mind to take such a huge step, and I wish you all the luck in fulfilling your intention.
This story captures the reality of different abusive situations, and presents how each individual—be it the protagonist or any of her friends—deal with it and fight to recover from it. Mika shows the readers how being together as one solid unit and slowly and patiently building courage to acknowledge our fears and conquer them, is the right way to get back into a healthy life. The issues discussed are so delicate and serious, and Mika vividly delivers each bit of emotion right to reader's heart. Connecting with all her characters, the feel of being with them was like a warm blanket wrapped around me, telling me that things will be fine. The story gently whispers "You're not alone."
Aislynn is a smart, witty, kind-hearted, and uplifting. And I like watching her as she realizes the reality of her situation and builds up strength to face it. I liked seeing her in different situations (drunken Aislynn was fun). Character development is really important, and I can clearly see that through each chapter. Interactions between characters are so smooth. Saying that the descriptions are vivid and colorful is an understatement (wondering if English language has a bigger word). The way you depict the five senses is incredibly alluring, although, when you go into meticulous details, it felt a bit annoying for me.
I'm loving it so far, living it so vividly, and the last chapter left me on my seat!! Waiting for more! Fabulous! :)

Tempered Tides

This is really an engaging short story with a poetic and a philosophical vibe, and instant action that gets you hooked. At first, I thought the pace is fast, but then I realized it's a short story. Didi is a powerful female character. She's smart, brave, quite composed when she's needed to be, and very thoughtful and kind-hearted. The issues discussed in the story are realistic and relatable. There was a time when men always punished women even for their own wrongdoings and felt ashamed for having a girl as their firstborn. There might still be cases like that, but from the events that happened, I think the story isn't happening in our era. The transition from Calina's story to telling us all about Didi was a bit confusing. Personally (you don't have to abide by this at all) I think it would've been better if you introduced Didi slightly first instead of instantly telling Calina's story. However, I love Didi's back-story, her family connections, and the history of the blanket. It's heartwarming. Your descriptions are so vivid and you have a way with words that makes things sound poetic.
The only issue regarding writing style is redundancy. You tend to repeat thoughts or write sentences that convey the same idea. Example in chapter two: "I felt immediate relief from the headache" directly after it, you wrote, "I sensed immediate relief after you..." this is considered repeating the thought or the idea itself. Other examples are paragraph 7 and paragraph 22 in chapter 3 (check the first and second lines and you'll know what I mean) Pay attention to using synonyms in close proximity (malady and ailment mean the same)
You have a few mistakes that can be easily fixed through editing.
I enjoyed your story and it was a delightful and magical read! Amazing work! :)

What Exactly is Love?

Excuse me if I sound harsh, but I tend to be honest and thorough in my reviews to help as much as I can. This review is my personal opinion, so you can take it or leave it.
I see you have a good plot, about two teenagers who are following their dreams and trying to understand what true love means. I liked Alex's parents—how they're pushing their daughter to forget about being number one in her class and focus instead on pursuing her dream in fashion. Alex's backstory is sad, and the way Max dealed with things was a bit unreasonable in my opinion. Couldn't he just ignore her instead of inflecting physical pain? I like Stacey's boldness, and how she's always there for her best friend, and sometimes I think Alex is being rude to her. Miller is something else. I wonder why you didn't introduce him early in the story as an actor who played roles in romantic series and etc... The way he approaches Alex is a bit forward, but I like that he cares and wants to reach her heart. Alex seems a bit hesistant: sometimes she's buying clothes and taking photos, and then she's still stuck on being the first in her class. Miller is her rival, but I feel as if she's treating him like her enemy and entirely blocking him.
When Alex and Stacey went shopping and then photo-shooting, I kept wondering what clothes Alex is wearing. You're talking fashion, right? Then show me colors, patterns, fabric, design, makeup, shoes... Don't just say that they ordered this and that and took photos. Show me how Alex is posing for the camera and how she feels when the camera is on her. How does everyone look like? Is Alex beautiful? What's her distinctive feature? Describe the settings around your characters. In debate club, show me some interaction. What's the topic they're working on? Alex wants to expand her social circle and improve her social skills, right? Then show me what she's learning from the debate club and how her character will develop.
Technically, there's a lot to tell, so please hang in with me:
1-You use "said" a lot to tag your dialogues—and in this case in don't know what tone of voice the characters are using, and sometimes you don't tag your dialogues (like in chapter 3 after being the ice-cream) and I don't know who's saying what. Thoughts aren't put between quotations, you can italicize them.
2-Pay attention to tense consistency. There's switching between present and past tenses.
3-In Smith's POV in chapter 7, you showed Alex's thoughts by saying: "I can't believe he noticed that!" Don't switch POVs
4-Only one punctuation mark is used, and a question mark is never followed by a point.
5-There are some grammatical mistakes and verbs that are used the wrong way: chapter 4: (skimmed through, not schemed through)/(clung, not clunked)/chapter 6: (scrunched up, not scrounged up)/ chapter 7: (heart flutter, not flatter)
6-Dialogue punctuation, tags, and action beats: cases on how dialogues should be punctuated.
-If the sentence is a statement: "I made coffee," he/she/they/I/my mother etc... said. (Note the comma and no capitalization)
-If the sentence is a question or exclamation. "Do you want coffee?" he asked. "Wow! You look so beautiful!" he commented.
- If the dialogue is followed by action beat: "I made coffee." He reached for two mugs from the cupboard (capitalization and point)
For more visit https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
7-Describe body language to show more emotions.

I hope I didn't sound harsh, and I hope this helps. You have a good plot in your hands and there's no need to rush things. Pour your feelings and colors into it, and I'm sure it'll shine. Don't give up and keep writing! :)

Choice? The Rich's Privilege

It's only the first couple chapters, but the story is starting in a good and an engaging way. The first part of the prologue makes a good hook and raises a lot of questions, and even through out these two chapters, I got engaged to know more about the events happening in the real time of the story. Olivia seemed a person of sly and dark demeanor, and Caspian is not as smart as a detective would be. Can't judge him when I've only seen a glimpse of him. He's a detective? A police man? I couldn't figure it out. Olivia's past experience is intriguing and I sympathize with her. When a poor kid is also neglected and treated violently, it's the normal reaction that they become rebillious and walk down the wrong road. There's a lot of mystery yet to be unveiled, and that's what makes the story intriguing.
Technically, I think you dumped a lot of info about Olivia's backstory in the prologue.
Pay attention to repetition of words and redundancy. In the prologue you wrote: "His face stoic . . . down." then you said "his face no emotions . . . pain" If you read these two sentences that are in close proximity, you'll notice that they're the same. Also, while telling the story of Olivia's past, you showed us that her mother started drinking and verbally abusing Olivia and neglecting her, and how Olivia began standing up to her step-father. Then again, you said that Olive and Olivia changed after Jacob's death. It's the same thing, and the way you SHOWED it is much better than TELLING the readers again.
Don't mix someone's dialogue with someone else's action: in paragraph 11 of the prologue, you wrote: ("Alright, cut the shit . . . awake," her chuckles followed briefly . . .) In this line, the dialogue is said by Caspian, but the action is done by Olivia, right?
Numbers under 101 are spelled out in letters.
Dialogue punctuation: (smirk, grin, smile) these are action beats and they should follow the rules of action beat punctuation.
There are a few mistakes that can easily be fixed by editing. If there's a phrase that you're not sure about, ask your friends. Or Google! It always helps. A little piece of advice that you're free to ignore: always re-read and edit before posting and be nitpicky about every word in your writing.
It's a good start for your story, and personally, I'm looking forward to see how Caspian will react to this bomb that Olivia threw at him. Nice work, and keep writing! :)

Interesting start!

What I'm going to write here is my personal opinion, so you can take or leave it, and excuse me if I sound harsh.
I've read the first three chapters—they're the only chapters, and I think it's a good start, but it's clearly rushed.
Amelia is a hopeless orphan ever since she was born, and being blind didn't help her case at all. You showed us her life in the orphange when Mrs. Terry was in charge, and then when Mrs. Davis was in charge and how her life changed and she had to leave because she was eighteen. There are a few things I didn't like the story:

1: in the prologue, you wrote: "Lately, Mrs. Terry has been wearing a troubled look on her face." How did Amelia know that if she's blind? Did someone tell her?

2: You say the girl knows her way around the orphange and knows how everyone moves around, then why couldn't she dodge the kids who used to abuse her? The brains of those who are born blind make new connections in the absence of visual information, resulting in enhanced, compensatory abilities such as a heightened sense of hearing, smell and touch, as well as cognitive functions (such as memory and language) I'd love for Amelia not to be a weak female lead who's gonna depend on a male to rescue her each time she finds herself in trouble. If she has friends, couldn't they help teach her some languages and read for her from books? Oh, I'm going wild with my imagination, but it's okay to give you ideas, right?

3: Let's take Amelia as she is: the blind helpless girl. How could Mrs. Davis send her away ALONE!!! without preparing for a car or make preparations at a repectable hotel or something? Also, the girl didn't go outside the orphange in her entire life? I mean, what do they do inside the orphange other than eat and sleep and play? Basically, Mrs. Davis send the girl to her death.

Technically, things felt rushed. Amelia is helpless and now James will be the hero who will save her even though he's a manipulative guy.
Pay attention to redundancy: you said that Amelia grew up in the orphange and knows her way around twice in the prologue. And you repeated her experience with Mrs. Terry again in chapter two.

If Amelia is thinking to herself, don't quote her thoughts. And put James' dialogue between quotations (chapter 2)

Don't switch between present and past, and choose one POV to write with (either first or third).

There are some missing words in some sentences as well as grammar mistakes.

Can't wait to know what happens next and I hope Amelia becomes stronger, and James becomes more decent! Keep writing! :)

The Unseemly Life of Miss Hartley

Firstly, excuse me if sound harsh, but I tend to be thorough and honest in my reviews, so bear with me. This is my personal opinion; you can take it or leave it.
The story is nice. You have a good plot and I really like how you build tension at the end of each chapter.
The first couple chapters were all about narration and introducing the characters. Here, I have two points to tell.
1: Don't dump everything the reader needs to know about the main character in one go.
2: Usually, the first chapter is life-changing for the character. Something unexpected happens that changes the character's life, hooks the reader, and gives them something look forward to in the next chapters—which was not the case.
I kept reading to see if something in Alicia's life will change, and to me it was when The Marquess cornered her that night, asking her about her father.

You have an interesting set of characters. I won't say a lot about them since you claim they're all real characters—except the protagonists. Alicia is a brave and a curious girl. I like that she wants to prove that she can do anything, protect herself and her father as well, in a world where women we're still deprived from their rights. But she was naive as well. Like that time when Alicia accepted Eloise's offer to spend the night at her house. Alicia easily accepted. She would've sat at the bar with that woman (no one will come after her since Eloise is the owner), struck a conversation about women suffragettes movements to build some sense of trust before going to her house. Make it realistic. Make her capable. It was naive of her to trust Louise.

I think Nick is quite the decent guy. He might be a hapless Duke whom no one takes seriously, but if he pulls a few strings, he can get what he wants. He's smart and knows his way around. However, he just followed Alicia on sheer curiosity. There was no reason for him to follow Alicia but his curiosity to get answers and I found that a bit unreasonable.

That's why I thought Alicia and Nick should've gotten a few sweet and coy moments together to get to know one another or build some chemistry between them before Alicia left England. It would've given Nick some good reason—following the girl he's crushing on. And it wouldve given Alicia something to think about other than her mission to find her father and protect him. Because later on, it felt like they got to know each other really fast. I know juggling mystery and romance isn't easy, but there should be some balance throughout the story.
I like how both Nick and Alicia avoided a lot of trouble by threatening some people and deceiving them. It's almost surreal.

Also, when Alicia first talked to Laurent, she convinced him that Austero is her uncle, right? Why couldn't Laurent notice that something is fishy when Alicia began talking about her family?

Another thing I thought about is that these people are ranked, but they sounded so casual to me. I don't know if a girl like Alicia, who's of low dowry and class, should be casually talking to a Duke and saying "thank you" or "I'm sorry." Like when she finished dancing with him, I believe it should be like: "I'm deeply thankful for agreeing to my silly request. And please kindly forgive my inappropriate behavior."

Technically, you don't give a lot of thought to details. I keep wondering how England, France, and Santorini looked like in the 1800s. And I find that I don't know. When they were dancing, I wondered: to what music were they dancing? What was famous at that time? How do French women dress to make Alicia look bizarre in her English dress? And even, why didn't Nick like the food when he first arrived to France? I know writers shouldn't be too detailed, but they shouldn't ignore it as well. Descriptions of the settings give an image in the reader's mind.

I noticed you repeat the scenes from both POVs. It isn't favorable unless you want to show something really important from a different POV.

When writing a dialogue, separate dialogues of different characters on different lines. And don't mix someone's action with someone else's dialogue. It's confusing.

Your questions do not have question marks. I understand when it's a question that doesn't demand an answer like: who cares, or who knows, but your questions don't have questions marks. Also, pay attention to comma usage.

Pay attention to dialogue punctuation, tags, and action beats: cases on how dialogues should be punctuated.
-If the sentence is a statement: "I made coffee," he/she/they/I/my mother etc... said. (Note the comma and no capitalization)
-If the sentence is a question or exclamation. "Do you want coffee?" he asked. "Wow! You look so beautiful!" he commented.
- If the dialogue is followed by action beat: "I made coffee." He reached for two mugs from the cupboard (capitalization and point)
For more visit https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/

Also, numerals less than 101 should be spelled out in letters. Do not start a sentence with a numeral like in chapter 9: "30000 pounds?" It should be spelled out. Times are written like this: 7:00 p.m./ 8:00 a.m. etc . . .

To cut someone off, use an em-dash (—). Why do you keep ending your with "I just." This means that your character is faltering, so it should be: "I just . . ."

There are a lot of grammar mistakes that I can't put here. I can tell you to pay attention to "carriage and marriage", and pay attention to prepositions. Also, there's no I's. The correct possessive pronoun of the subject “I” is “my”.

I sound really harsh, right? Excuse me again. If you want, I can point out some of the mistakes through comments.

Your story is great. I like how you build tension and keep arising problems for Alicia. Please put Nick in a pitch as well. Let us see him struggling and fighting for the girl he loves. All you need is a little polishing and you're ready to go! Nice work and keep writing! :)

Creative and Interesting!

The first thing I thought the moment I opened the story to the prologue was "Oh God, that scary bulky paragraph!" The prologue was full of events where you introduced Seraphina's family, her status, showed us a glimpse of her life, and changed her life forever, giving something for the readers to look forward to. However, all these interesting events that happened throughout the entire four chapters were crammed in lengthy paragraphs that scared the hell out of me. For the sake of your readers, get rid of the bulky paragraphs and leave some space, otherwise it'd be overwhelming.
You have a very interesting cast, ranging from the curious and ambitious Seraphina, to the kind of timid Nimerah, the very lively Sariya, and the sadistic Professor Rhys. The world description is as well very colorful and creative, and I can see myself with Seraphina as she takes this new journey and discovers her abilities. Readers will look out to how things will turn out between Seraphina and that smirky guy, and what that mysterious message is all about.
Technically, everything seems good, but sometimes you tend to write in simple sentences rather than complex, which makes the composition a bit weak, and I kept wondering why Nimerah went silent for the entire school day, not sharing her excitement with her friend. You have some grammatical mistakes and missing punctuations, as well as some wrong punctuations when punctuating dialogues. You tend to switch from 3rd POV to 1st POV in some sentences as I detected the following pronouns (my, us, our, we) within the narration.
This is a nice start for an exciting fantasy story! Keep up the good work! :)

Till Death Do Us Part

It's an interesting story and I really don't know where to start!
The plot is intriguing and good especially with all these unearthly creatures that appear out of no where. I liked the portrait; it surprised me when it appeared. But there are a couple things that annoyed me about Anna. First of all, I don't know how she looks like, and I don't know a lot about her life. What she likes and dislikes. What she does in her break time and those parts you mentioned about bullying and suicidal thoughts. To me, Anna was only grieving about losing her grandma. Anna isn't realistic enough—the girl just accepted that an apparition called Death fell in love with her like it's normal. I thought he'd work harder to make her fall for him. She didn't recoil or even think if she's crazy or something. Also, how did Death fall in love with her or chose her in the first place? And what happened to her mother during the hospital scenes? What was her problem? I'd love to know that.
Technically, you have some grammatical mistakes and missing words that can be easily detected.
*Pay attention to comma usage; you either misuse it or not use it at all and it's confusing. There are also incomplete sentences. ? and ! don't exist together or more than once. (No ?! !? ?? or !!) There are a couple verbs in the present tense instead of the past.
* Dialogue punctuation, tags, and action beats: cases on how dialogues should be punctuated.
-If the sentence is a statement: "I made coffee," he/she/they/I/my mother etc... said. (Note the comma and no capitalization)
-If the sentence is a question or exclamation. "Do you want coffee?" he asked. "Wow! You look so beautiful!" he commented.
- If the dialogue is followed by action beat: "I made coffee." He reached for two mugs from the cupboard (capitalization and point)
For more visit http://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
*I appreciate the effort you put in descriptions, but the composition is weak. You write in simple sentences instead of complex, and that leads to repetition of pronouns and names. Sometimes you're just telling actions of characters and it doesn't leave imagination for the reader. Get rid of the basic word (feel/felt) and focus on describing senses.
*Separate dialogues of different characters on separate lines to avoid the bulky paragraphs.
*Pay attention to redundancy. See these examples from your story:
"Anna had a deep sleep she slept the whole day."
"She felt comfortable she relaxed."
"But it made her blush. She felt her cheeks go red."
"There was no speck of dust anywhere, the whole place was spotless."
The first parts of these sentences have the same meaning as the second. There's no need for repetition.
It's a nice and engaging story and I can't wait to know whether Anna will save Death or not. Keep writing! :)

Star of Youth

Firstly, excuse me if I sound harsh, but I tend to be honest and thorough to get my point through to you and help you improve.
The story plot is unique and intriguing, and has a message behind it. But I wonder why Vanessa chose to wish upon a star to return back to her younger self, and how she found a purpose in this by helping her grandchildren. But I like it actually, how she gradually becomes closer to them and bonds with them, helping them to face their fears and insecurities. Although, when she saw the spirit of Edward, that was kind of bizarre.
Technically, there's a lot to mention, so let's take it slow. From the very first paragraph of the story, I noticed things need to be fixed. You're basically narrating, and the first chapter felt like listing actions instead of reading the story. Your sentences aren't connected together in a way the feels smooth. It's like there are abrupt pauses. Pay attention to repetition. You use 'then' and 'and' a lot, and it gives your sentences a weak structure. You also use the same sentence pattern (periodic interruptive sentences that start with dependent clauses) There is also the repetition of same words in the same sentence or paragraph as well as repetition of phrases.
Regarding how to improve writing, this is the issue of showing vs telling. In your case, you're narrating, which means you're telling the story. To show your readers through writing, use these tips:
-Use strong verbs and other visual language
-Get rid of basic sensory words (feel-hear-smell-see-touch)
-Describe body language and describe character appearance. I don't know how your characters look like and I don't feel what they're feeling. They're insecure? Nervous? Embarrassed? Show me flushed cheeks, pounding hearts, sweating palms etc...
This way, you create a rich and colorful image of your story in readers' minds and you help them bond better with characters.
Regarding grammar and punctuation:
1-Pay attention to switches between past and present tenses. There aren't many cases in your story, so it's tricky to find.
2-Punctuation: ? and ! aren't used together or more than once. No ?? !! ?! !?
3-Usage of dialogue tags and dialogue punctuation. Link: https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags
That's all!! I hope it helps. Every story has potential and so is yours! Don't give up and keep writing!

Press Play

I've read the first two chapters, and it's a good start for your story.
Up till now, nothing huge happened in Willow's life that would change her life forever, but being assigned by her boss to write an article about a new dating app is just the tip of the iceberg. Willow works for a teenage magazine, and she sounded bored with her job until she was called by her boss. Willow's attitude and her backstory are interesting; I like the powerful yet soft aura she exudes and how she doesn't ignore her flaws and her psychological problems; but I found it kind of heavy to put everything about Willow (her backstory with her mother's boyfriend, her relationship with Tyler and how they met, her friends' relationship) all in just two chapters. It's nice to feed the readers with info about the characters at a pace that won't be slow and won't be rushed either. Yet, the biggest thing readers will be waiting for is the moment when Willow gets to know her mystery music match.
Technically, I noticed you use was+ verb-ing which gives the story a passive voice for a bit. There are few grammar mistakes and pay attention to repetition. Regarding punctuation, I suppose you know the rules when using a dialogue tag, but when using action beats (sentence that describes action of character) the dialogue should not end with a comma. It should end with a point or ? or ! (depending on the sentence)
That's all! It's a good start and I'm looking forward for more! Keep writing!

Amazing!

What a ride. I truly enjoyed reading your story, and I hope whoever this story is based upon, I hope they stay strong and safe, and remember that there are always good people no matter how cruel the world is. I must say, I'm a big Japanese fan and I was touched from that line you wrote in the prologue. It definitely attracted me to know how Mitsuki's life is and how is she eventually changing. Also, I'm a fan of SAO, although I can't seem to finish the series.
The descriptions you tend to use are very vivid, colorful, and well-composed, which is both good and bad. While you give such complex descriptions, you tend to use a lot of complex words as you describe the same thing, which makes the reader return to the dictionary a lot, and your descriptions become prone to repetition. So, I advise you to use simpler words, avoid using synonyms in close proximity and then the descriptions will make a point in an easier way. Also, while Mitsuki is narrating, she also tends to use big complex words, and I think 'Does a sixteen-year-old girl think like that?'
Try to keep things realistic, like when you described Mitsuki's Mom's anger. It's better to say (for example) 'I could almost see smoke coming out of her mouth.' Also, if you want to write Japanese sentences, I advise you add their translation.
Mitsuki's character is very complex and realistic, but I'm still not able to pin-point her problem. I think she's not accepted by the community and she's bullied due to her appearance, is that true? But the way things turned out for her are satisfying.
Technically, your English is pretty good, and there are a few subject-verb agreement mistakes, and sometimes you write Mitsuki's name wrong, but the majority lies in switching between present and past tenses, as well as dialogue tag punctuation. You seem to use the rule in some cases only. So, here's a link and I hope it helps: https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
It's a nice story, and I really hope Mitsuki will become stronger and more confident of herself! Keep writing!

Interesting!!

I don't know where to start from, but I must say you're talented and you're doing a good job in putting your talent in the right places.
The way you started things by laying out the map of your world through writing and telling us about the history of your world was a great start. Things were laid out clearly and smoothly, and it didn't feel like you're talking history. Also, way to start with something happening and stir drama from the very start of the story. The descriptions are vivid, the emotions of our nameless protagonist are well-delivered, and the story is the right amount of narration, description, and dialogue. Also, I could feel the chemistry brewing between our protagonist and Black Mantle! Keep up this pace in story building and you're very good. However, name your female and male protagonist soon; I had my characters nameless for the first seven chapters of my first story, and that pissed off my readers (not that I'm pissed off) you're doing a good job.
Technically, your writing style is good as you tend to show us what's happening rather than telling. However, the problem concerns grammar and punctuation; I'm not a native English speaker, but I grew up with English, so I'll point out some issues you need to pay attention to (If you like, I can post the mistakes in each chapter in the comment section):
Pay attention to dialogue punctuation, I think you understand this one, but you don't apply it in all cases. When the dialogue ends with a ? or ! you tend to write the tag correctly without capitalizing it, however, when it's not a question or an exclamation, you correctly write the tag, but you don't punctuate the dialogue. For example: in the prologue in paragraph 24 you write: "There's no food left" he muttered. In this case, you should punctuate the dialogue and the sentence should be "There's no food left," he muttered. Notice that this is a said tag so the dialogue ends with a comma.
There are switches between past and present tenses, and subject-verb agreement mistakes.
The Guardians of the Mountains is an amazing story, and I'm enjoying reading it! Keep it up! Looking forward for more!! ;D

May the Sea Be with You

I'm not an expert on fanfiction stories and I've never read Percy Jackson or heard of him, but now I'm eager to start reading the series. However, there're some things that I don't understand: Firstly, is Katelyn a completely new character that you created and inserted into Percy's world, or she is an existing character in the original story and you chose to retell the story from her POV? I asked Google (I know; it's silly) and apparently Percy doesn't have a sister with this name, so Katelyn is a new character. I hope I'm getting it right. If Katelyn is a new character, I think it's creative to insert her into an existing fictional work and see what comes out of it. Secondly, you keep referring to "Rick Riordan" the author of the original Percy Jackson series. I want to ask, why do you keep referring to him and showing the difference between you version and his series? Isn't your story targeting the fans of Percy? Wouldn't they know on their own? I think it was helpful for me since I'm not a fan, but the majority of your audience will be fans.
Technically, the story is a smooth ride, and I seriously don't know how you managed to keep me reading while you're telling and not showing. TELL and not SHOW is the major problem. When you tell the story instead of showing the readers what's happening, the reader can't get emotionally bonded to the character. Instead, showing what's happening by engaging the characters in dialogue, description of actions and feelings helps readers build a deeper bond with characters and makes them more eager to know what'll happen.
Of course, this is a fanfiction story, and I don't know how to write one, so I'm not the expert here.
You have some grammar mistakes that can be easily fixed through editing.
the story was enjoyable, but I want to read more of your original work to know your writing style.
Amazing work! Keep going! ;D

Loads of Mystery!

It's only the first three chapters of the story, but you did a great job by getting me hooked. I love it! It's wondrous, creative, well-composed, and the perfect amount of narration, description, and dialogue. The way you introduce your characters in the most bizarre settings, the twists you put in their ways, and the world of the story are so well-done. I mean, a fantasy story might focus on one thing, but yours gives a broader image. You created a fantasy world with precise details, merged it with telepathy, time-travelling, and parallel worlds, and added a mysterious plot and BAM! look what you've got! Also, the way you weave between these parts of your world is so smooth. I believe it's those who write fantasy and scifi who are creative. I mean, I write romance, and I don't think I'll ever think of such a world, not even in my dreams. It's really intriguing and I can't wait to know what happened to Bessa, and the secret of Alam's father.
Technically, everything looks perfect, but there're few grammatic mistakes that can be easily spotted. I can spot them for you if you like. Also, I have a question: please explain the grammar of as+ verb-ing. I saw some examples with the verb perceive, but I don't understand using it.!
Everything seems awesome, and you're doing a great job! Looking forward for more! :D

Meeting Me in Between

Firstly, I want you to excuse me if I sound harsh, but I tend to be thorough and honest in my reviews.
I know your story means a lot to you, and that's why I'm sure you're work harder to fix some issues regarding it.
The story plot is really good, and I really wanted to know what happened to Evelyn's and Rico's sister, and how things will turn out between Evelyn and Andres, but I stopped reading halfway because I was totally confused by several things. Through the dialogue, you'd mention Evelyn looking over the person who's talking to her, but you don't mention who's talking, especially when it's someone other than her brother. And when Andres met Evelyn I was like, why would Evelyn get out of bed after a nightmare (BTW I thought she was just annoyed with the noise and that's why she woke up) and instantly go out in the dark and talk to a stranger? Also, when Andres met her at school, did he lift her off her feet? What happened? I got totally confused. I know you want to build chemistry between them, and I understand that Evelyn is eager for a relationship, but you're rushing with building the chemistry.
I understand that you want to show us what's happening instead of telling, but I can't see you getting there. You can "SHOW AND NOT TELL" by using stronger verbs, describing body language and the HOW of each sense in order to convey emotions. You want your reader to feel the character's emotions so they can have a deeper connection with the story.
Technically, there're lots of subject-verb agreement problems and word confusion as well as punctuation errors. You use ellipses a lot where I think it's supposed to be replaced by a comma, and you tend to finish your dialogue with a comma, without a tag, and cram them together.
Start the sentence said by a new person on a new line, and if you don't wanna tag it, then finish it with a point or a question mark depending on whether it's a statement or a question. If it's ended with an action beat, then use a strong verb to replace the weak and multiple adverbs.
It's a story with a good potential if you're willing to fix it. Don't get discouraged, you're doing much better than anyone who isn't trying! When you fix it, I'll make sure to change my review. Keep writing! :)

Interesting!

I don't know where to start from, but I'm really enjoying your story and I got hooked from the first chapter. The moment the Crown Prince Veran opened his mouth to speak, I instantly had the thought that this boy will jump off a wall at a certain time in the story. It surprised me when I learned that Cirthe is a girl, and she's the knight and the childhood friend protecting Veran. I love their chemistry; how Veran keeps holding back when he's close to her, and how Cirthe looks dense and stoic at first, but then the reader learns she reciprocates Veran's feeling, and tries her best to separate between her personal feelings and her duties. Veran is desperate and cute, he reminded me of a manga I read called "Snow White with Red Hair."
Technically, there's a lot to mention, and I tend to be thorough, so excuse me if I sound harsh.
First of all, you rarely use the "said" tag in your dialogue, but when you use it, you have to pay attention to punctuation and capitalization. When you say *he or she said/whispered/replied* end the dialogue with a comma and don't capitalize the pronoun. same thing when it's a question or exclamation.
I noticed that you tend to use was -ing verbs a lot, which gives the story a passive voice. These verbs are weak and could easily be replaced with stronger verbs.
There were also bulky paragraphs where it's better to show and not tell the reader what's happening. Like the part where Veran's mother teaches him how hard life it is, I think it's better if you transform it to a dialogue. Show us how gentle his mother is, make us feel and hear her voice. Describe her. Describe how Cirthe and Veran look like, how old are they.
It's a beautiful story, and it has a great potential if some editing is done. Can't wait to see how things will tuen out between the Crown Prince and his loyal knight!

Toe-curling Sweet!

I'm gonna be totally honest and thorough with you, so excuse me if I sound harsh.
Your story is good. It's sweet, it has a good flow and a unique love story plot that makes the reader eager to continue reading. Serenity is a strong female lead- which is the first thing I liked about the story- despite her disability. It's brave of you to discuss such a delicate manner and show that even people with disabilities live a normal life and fall in love. I love her strength, her boldness, and the way she's always direct and relaxed with Gary. The chemistry between them is quite intriguing. I like Gary too; although I was kinda mad when he gave Chanti the 1000$ tip, but he turned out to be the gentleman that every girl dreams off. I must tell you that this feels too perfect, and I suggest you stir a bit of drama and action in their relationship. I like that there aren't mature scenes because that would be disturbing.
Technically, you don't have serious grammatical mistakes (I believe these are typos) but there are missing commas and quotations and that could be easily fixed through editing. And there's this one time where you used but and yet together (but yet) But and Yet aren't used together, that is redundancy.
There are some things that confused me:
First, are Gary's eyes hazel or grey-blue? In chapter 1 you said "An attractive man with hazel orbs. Gary." And later you said, "Gary's greyish-blue eyes." And here I got lost. Then you said they're chestnut.
Also, at the end of chapter 2, I got confused because it felt like he asked the question and replied too. Something felt off.
The problem lies in the style of writing. We writers love our stories a lot, and pour all the thoughts we have into paper, which is good. Very good. But this way, the story won't be flexible. It's good that you don't lump everything about the character in one go, but you also tend to describe the actions of the characters bit by bit, which doesn't leave space for the reader to imagine their reactions or gestures.
Pay attention to repetition; you always tend to mention Gary's name when he's speaking; and don't use synonyms in close proximity. There are bunches of phrases that can be replaced with one word only, making the sentences more composed. Composition of sentences isn't about the number of words, it's about delivering the idea to the reader with a sense of ease.
I like how you rarely use said tags (said, whispered, replied, asked etc...) but when you use them, pay attention to punctuation because there are rules for punctuation when using action beats or said tags. Also punctuation mark and exclamation mark are not used together.
The story is really sweet and good, and by fixing the redundancy problem, you give the reader a sense of ease while reading. I know your story is precious to you, and that's why I'm sure you'll work on it to make it better.
It's lovely, and I'm eager for a taste of drama. Nice work!

Interesting!

First things first, I want you to excuse me if I sound harsh, but I tend to give a thorough review in order to get my point to the writer.
The story is really good, and the plot is interesting, and I assume you have a second book for this otherwise it would be left on a cliffhanger and their would be holes in the plot.
I loved the interaction between the twins (as I've wrote a twins' story before) and I'd like to see if they resemble each other more and how they interact with their family members. Your story raises a lot of questions: how come none of their current family members told them about their parents. And who are these black-cloak people who took their parents away in Emily's dream? I'd love to see more of the twins' lives. How they interact with the outside world, if they have friends or not. I'd love to see their quirks.
You have a good plot, and the story has potential but it needs more work. Try not to rush things. Add a sense of mystery or drama.
Technically, I could tell you're narrating in past tense, but you missed some verbs in present. Pay attention to punctuation: there're unnecessary commas added, and no commas exist between two quotations. Also, there's no need to add the said tag after each dialogue. Mix it up with action beats, and avoid repetition.
It's a good story, and I hope it gets a second book!

Shadows of the Past

Before everything, excuse me if I sound harsh because I tend to be thorough and honest in my reviews. Since it's only the first chapter, I don't think reviewing the story right away will do it justice.
Firstly, the plot is amazing, and I like how all the events through the day finally got Layla to come across the person who's the reason of her dreams. I love the character's description, but I think it's too much. I don't know if it's your purpose to let the readers take a good look upon your story from the very first chapter, but I think telling everything about a character in one go is a heavy matter. I think the character's description and traits and anything you mentioned about them can be regularly mentioned through out the story. The only thing I felt uncomfortable about is mentioning religion. It's not preferable to talk about it. The plot is intriguing and I can't wait to know more about this mystery man.
Technically, the body paragraphs are too long. You tend to mash the dialogues of more than one character together in the same paragraph, while the right thing to do is to separate them on individual lines. Don't write the dialogue in italic, andwhen tagging the dialogue, start with the character's name instead of the tag.
There's small grammar mistakes that I believe can be fixed easily, and- as a future tip- don't use ? and ! together or twice, which means no ?? or !! or ?!
It's definitely going to be an intriguing read, so keep writing and don't give up!!

And if You Wrong Us

When I first started reading the story, I stopped at the 3rd verse of the first poem and smiled, "What is that?" I though aloud. Composing poems is not as easy as composing a dialogue, and I must say you've done a great job writing these poems one: because they're easy to understand and convey emotions at the same time, and two: because they very much fit the event occurring in each chapter.
It is clear that you've put lots of effort into building the story; from the opening scene that displayed the cozy atmosphere of the Raven family, to the unexpected turn of events and the introduction of new characters that would shake the life of the protagonist and change it. Chemistry was built between the sly and unreasonable young Sarah, and Cirius who is committed to his family. Although, the latter's reactions are more like a teen than that of an adult. And the ending was the most unexpected.
I loved the variation of characters and how you never seized to pour emotions into your characters.
On a technical level, the length of chapters was overwhelmingly long, and I noticed you've crammed a lot of events into each which could be divided into more relaxing chapters. As you tend to description, don't use synonyms in close proximity and don't overwrite character actions; this helps keep space for readers' imagination. There're few grammar mistakes and word confusion, but it can be easily tracked.
Great job! I really enjoyed reading your story and I believe it deserves more attention. Keep writing, looking forward to read more of your work!

Dainty and Lucid!

Honestly, I'll make myself a cup of tea when the next chapter comes up, and I must point out; nice move when you reviewed your story, it means that you're encouraging yourself and being serious about your project.
About your story, I have a deep feeling that it'll have a wild turn of events since Beth appeared to me as a rebellious young lady from the early paragraphs in the first chapters, and I like her refreshingly blunt personality.
The plot you're discussing is unique and delicate as it sheds light on the life of young ladies in the 18th century and the problems they face (early marriage, not going out at night, following the etiquette) It's not easy to delve into these times as you have to take culture and social system into consideration.
Lastly, there're small grammar and punctuation mistakes that can be easily solved by checking your chapters before posting them.
Good job so far, and keep writing!! Looking forward for more!!

Summer.

First things first, I want you to excuse me if I sound harsh, but I believe it's my job to be honest in order to make my point.
Firstly, the story has a good plot and a flow that's makes you want to continue reading. Discussing bullying; which is a very serious issue that most kids in the world suffer from; is very brave of you and I hope you can bring it more to light.
The very first bullying scene is kind of unrealistic. I understand girls bullying girls, but do boys bully girls physically? And where were the teachers? Didn't any of them notice that Summer is having a trouble or try to help her. I couldn't sense the humor in the story, but I could tell Summer is a sarcastic narrator.
Through the first few chapters, I kept wondering why she is so unlucky, unlikable, and hopeless, and I felt she hates herself so much. I kept thinking why would you give your character all these physical and emotional flaws? She seemed so hopeless that I wanted to know if it'll ever get better for her. And in the latest chapters, it finally does!!
The story plot is really good, but I've gotta note that you have a lot of grammar mistakes, and when you're narrating, use one tense only: either past or present.
Good job so far! You're doing much better than those who aren't trying! Keep up the good work and hope to get more chapters soon. ♡

The Wrong Train

These are only the early chapters, and apparently lots of mysterious stuff will hopely unfold in the upcoming ones. The story is smoothly flowing and it's full of unexpected events at unexpected times and I should say no one can tell what is going to happen next.
Surely since it's only the first few chapters, things aren't clear yet.
The only problem is in grammar, and here's what you need to focus on:
-Usage of conjunctions and prepositions in the right way.
-Confusion of homophones (words that sound the same but have different meanings)
-Usage of the articles (the/a/an) and verb to be.
Use one tense while you're writing (either present or past) and it will help you to reread what you write before submitting because there are sentences that are missing verbs.
So far you're doing a good job! Looking forward for more!

Somewhere Safe

First things first, I send my prayers to your dear Aunt Sarah, and may she rest in peace. I'm sure she's so proud of you.
Writing stories about war isn't an easy task, but you used the elements in hand to make it creative. The story plot is unique and the characters are a couple of pure and innocent children who are just at the beginning of their life journey. It's interesting to see how Max and Sarah interact with one another and build their friendship, and how they interact with the owners of the house that took them in and their friends. The story not only sheds light on our main characters and the daily changes happening in their new lives, but also it shows how war is changing them and changing life around them.
The story flows smoothly and has the right amount of narration and dialogue, and you swiftly switch between characters to tell the story from different perspectives which makes the reader feel like a spectator as if watching things from above.
But there are some things that I'd like to point out: Don't divide what one character has to say into separate quotations because that gets the reader confused about who is saying what. Try using other words than "said" or you can even omit using it for example instead of saying "Max said, polishing his jumper etc..." You can say, "Max polished his jumper etc..." There's no need to use "said" because the reader already knows he's talking. Also, use subjects He and She instead of using the character's names especially when the dialogue is happening between two people only.
Other than that, you're doing a great job and your story is catchy. First time reading a historical fiction on this platform. Loved it!! Keep up the good job!!

Wanna know how she used to be

From what I've read so far, it's a pretty good story. Allow me to point out that you have some grammar mistakes and it would help to simply skim your writing before submitting it. Other than the story is good; it left me with lots of questions after reading each chapter. Looking forward for more! Keep up the good work!

An Absolute Delight!

When she receives a call that her father is ill, Clem Morgan leaves her job and house and drives to Mooresville, determined to save her father's life. Little did she know that arriving at that city was like stepping into a minefield, or that the first person she came across would be the key to solve all her problems.

In "The Root of Misbelief", Maya crafts an adorable enemies-to-lovers story between two socially awkward individuals who are faced with the town's hatred and hardships that force them to join hands. The plot was engaging from the beginning to the end, and loose ends met, but I found some parts of the story predictable. At first, I didn't like that Clem was naive, but the way she grew throughout the story—both she and Rohan—was pretty satisfying and lovely.

Maya has the knack for gripping readers through her crisp style and sense of humor, and it was such a delight to read her story!
Amazing!🌻

Whimsical!

I must say, Rae, you have a knack for keeping readers hooked! Is it the bite-sized chapters that are yet full of action, or Katya's interesting personality? I don't know, to be honest, but I absolutely love her character and the way you provide details about her without over-doing it. It's like I'm collecting random pieces of a puzzle to see the final picture.
The plot is compelling, with a main character that defies the rules. Can't wait to see Katya falling into the arms of the duke.

Technically speaking, the dialogue is woven prettily; it needs punctuation, though. Narration can read smoother by inserting periodic sentence structure to rise the tension a bit. Watch out for tense switching.

This story contains three chapters, but I have a feeling that it'll become a page-turner. If you're fan of badass girls who make their own rules, then this story is the one for you. Lovely!

Aspen Falls

When Aspen realizes that her favorite people are back home at the same time—and for Christmas too—her mind and heart are torn between falling for Beau again, and bleeding for her dead twin brother.

"Aspen Falls" starts with a mellow and heart-warming family reunion, then delves into deeper emotions and traumas, depicting how Aspen mistreats herself to hide her pain and how Beau is by her side for support. I've read ten chapters, but there's still mystery behind Archer's death and Beau's decision to leave Aspen behind when she needed him the most. Bex has a knack for hooking readers—her female characters are all badasses, funny, and caring, that I couldn't help but follow the story. I loved this blood-unblood network of support around Aspen—it's important to have such a network in one's life, and the interactions between her and Beau were sweet. Introducing a lot of characters throughout the chapters without getting some background info about them until later was pretty confusing. Oh, and middle names. For instance, I had no idea "Dane" is Hunter's middle name until chapter 9. Jason was so much fun!

Regarding writing style, I was able to relate to Aspen and even understand her suffering, which proves the author's ability to deliver such deep emotions clearly. However, when it comes to dialogue, I kept thinking who was speaking, because there were no tags, and sometimes the actions and speech of two different people a
were put in one line, so it confused me even more. In chapter 11 (10th after the author's note), you started using names without dialogue tags to tag the dialogues, Bex. Technically, there are grammatical mistakes and missing words and commas, so the story can benefit from editing.

Overall, "Aspen Falls" is a nice read and has a good pace that'll keep the readers hooked, wanting to know what will happen next! Keep up the good work!🌻

Between the Three Alphas

After reading the blurb, I was intrigued to know how a she-wolf would have three mates instead of one, and with the prophecy and her birth mark that no one should see, it was clear that Ari was up for a load of drama.

The characters are well-rounded and have distinct voices. I like that Ari makes herself seem like a tough girl when she's actually desperate to protect herself and the prophecy. Dio, on the other side, totally seems like a spoiled brat whose only aim is to satisfy his sexual needs—it's good to be able to create unlikable characters. That's how things look like from the first chapter. It was long for a first chapter, but it was packed with events.
Seemingly though, the story holds a mysterious plot with good potential!

Technically, you tend to overwrite and share a lot of unnecessary details, which diverts reader's attention from the events. Also, you use cumulative/loose sentence structure in a repetitive manner, giving things a clear but monotonous tone. However, this doesn't help build the suspense needed. Watch out for superfluous dialogue tags—they bog down the dialogue.

Overall, it's a read that promises a lot of action. Taylor has the passion and cares a lot about reaching out to her readers through her characters and story!
Keep up the great work!🌻

Unleashed: The Power Within

Sheila, an ordinary girl with dreams in fashion industry, has been suffering from sleeping problems lately due to the strange dreams she's having. I read up till the fifth chapter, and I can tell that the Greek gods are involved and that the plot has good potential. It's an ordinary MC tossed into an extraordinary situation!
Technically, the characters appearances and the settings need more clearance. There are run-on sentences, grammatical and punctuation errors, as well as redundancy. Writing is a tricky business; there is overwriting in some scenes and underwriting in others, but the author has the passion to tell the story and has the ability to keep the readers hooked.
Keep up the good work!🌻

The Everlasting Song

Chloe Cooper always dreamed of becoming a songwriter, and now her dream has come true. With the help of her girl friends, and with bitter moments of unrequited love, Chloe finds herself fueled to write and produce inspiring and relatable songs.
The author is a promising poet and has a knack for weaving emotions into the lyrics. I liked the way Chloe was portrayed—as a strong girl who was aiming to achieve her dream, and then it turned out that she was still struggling with a broken heart. Carter sent uncomfortable vibes from the first meeting—don't worry, it's a good sign when readers don't like a character; it means you're good at crafting unlikable characters. Appearances and settings need work, though; it feels like a blank canvas. The pace is slow, and several chapters pass without real trouble. I found it comfortable, but I prefer drama-packed chapters.
Technically, watch out for tags; the superfluous usage of tags bogs down the dialogue. Try to replace them by showing actions and emotions.
It's a swift read. Keep up the good work!🌻

Mysterious and Quirky

Faith Evans is not an ordinary girl. She's critical. She's demanding. She's cold-hearted. She doesn't cry on cliché movies.
And she's cursed.
Within a few days only, Fay is bound to a school in Remington that is surrounded by mystery. And magic. And three cliché guys who seem to have no problem with helping her. In other words, Fay is bound to a nightmare. Little does she know that she'll be stuck in this utterly weird and creepy school as she tries to discover what her curse is.

I liked that the author started with something that changed Faith's life forever, and how Faith's character evolved into a desperate and whiny one. Faith says that she's cold-hearted, but I could eventually feel and understand her better throughout the story. I think because of Faith's character, the author tends to tell more than to show, but the story telling is witty and it doesn't hinder the flow of the story. I'd love to know how everyone looks like and how Faith's surroundings look like as well. The dialogue needs tweaking for a bit as well.

In "Cursed For You", Eterna presents a standout character that is tossed into a hurricane of mystery and magic, presented in a witty and light manner.
Nice work!! 🌻

Dichotomy

I'm wondering where I should start, so first, let me say that the story has a gripping first chapter that introduces three main characters, each with a different backstory. It makes me wonder if this shows a trauma bond. The plot is coming around slowly as the author tends to introduce bits and pieces of her characters in each chapter. There's no doubt that the characters are sophisticated and have unique voices. It's beautiful how the author can depict the turmoil and chaos in Alex's mind in a way that feels relatable, and still manages to show that Alex has a very composed, almost perfect front. The guy seemed scary to me, and I have a feeling that I won't like him—it's a strong point when an author creates a not-so-likeable character.

Regarding style, it's better if the author uses simple words that are close to reader's mind instead of big words that would force readers to use dictionaries. Another point is redundancy. I like that the writing is composed and how the author wants to get her point to the readers by painting a complete picture, but sometimes it becomes overwhelming, and the author then falls into the trap of repetition (how someone's voice sounds, the color of his eyes, their status, their current condition, etc . . .) Overwriting is a tricky matter, but I'm sure the author will see my point by reading the chapters again.

There are some mistakes sprinkled here and there, but nothing that hinders the understanding of the story. Dialogue needs formatting though.

I'm wondering how the characters will bring out each other's weaknesses as they clash. Amazing work!!

Deep and Beautiful

"Inner Woman" is a collection of powerful and emotional poems that reflect a lifetime of the author's personal experience. With her incredibly beautiful and complex way of utilizing words and metaphors, Karin isn't only able to craft messages and hide them in colorful images, she's also able to reach your heart with a clear voice despite what she's feeling.
I think it's so brave of a person to attempt to share personal thoughts and moments with an audience that only gets bigger. Karin shares moments of love, loss, uncertainty, and hope deep from within her heart and in a unique presentation.
Lovely work! :)

My Love From 2000 Years Ago

When he chose to fall into his death instead of being killed by the braves who were following him, Wahya, the Tsalagi man from two thousand years ago, really ends up "falling into the unknown", and landing directly on top of none but the strikingly beautiful and clumsy Archeology Collections Manager, Morgan. Follow Morgan and Wahya as their worlds collide together in a supernatural moment that renders them stuck together as they try to help one another, get to know one another, and tenderly melt into one another before reaching to the roots of their situation.
In "The Artifact", Gwen is able to grasp her readers' senses and attention through controlling two different worlds of different settings, indulging her readers into hilarious, mellow, sad, tense, and passionate moments that tickle their hearts.
The author should pay attention to the usage of periodic interruptive sentences, as well as dialogue formatting. Gwen is a witty and a passionate writer, and her love for her story is shown in her craft. I like how she openly and smoothly shares her knowledge of Archeology throughout the story.
To all readers who are looking for a time-traveling story that will make you laugh and cry and fall in love, "The Artifact" is the right choice!
This is a love story that crosses the barriers of different cultures and languages, and if it could, it would've crossed the barrier of time too.
Incredible work, Gwen! :D

MVP Awards Review

Love is such mysterious and unreasonable emotion and when it exists, it defies all other feelings and actions no matter how powerful. "Last Chance" follows the journey of two young men, Joel and Luka, who are brought together through love, only to be opposed by Joel's parents and extended family. The couple hold onto each other as Joel struggles with cancer, and stand strong in the face of troubles caused by Joel's family who are trying to pull them apart. They collect allies by they side and gradually make their own family to find happiness together.
The message behind "Last Chance" is powerful. Not only does it invite readers to accept each other's differences with an open mind and an open heart, but it also invites them to forget about conflicts with people around them, accept and forgive, and choose to spend their lives with their beloved family and friends before time runs out.
This story is brimming with emotions that I really wanted to feel, and contains emotional characters that I wanted to connect with at some level, but telling the story in a repetitive manner didn't convey these emotions. The author should focus on showing instead of telling and on the believable reaction of characters to different situations. Reactions start viscerally, emotionally, physically, then intellectually. Using superfluous tags bogs down the dialogue, and the tense isn't consistent, so he needs to pay attention to that as well.
Magnus has the fuel to make this story a masterpiece, and I'm sure he'll put in this effort to make his story shine. Keep up the good work! :)

The Maelstrom

Camellia Darrett's peaceful life has been turned upside down due to the absurd decision of her boss, forcing her into a time-traveling mission with an amateur and a not-so-surprisingly annoying team. While Cammie accepts the decision and makes the effort to try to get to know her teammates, she comes across Rhys, the blue-eyed, brooding, and arrogant psychopath. Rhys is a vault of secrets, and Cammie needs a key. Or explosives! As the story progresses, it becomes even harder on Cammie to handle the crazy decisions of her boss and to control her wrath upon Rhys.
In "The Maelstrom", Proxion indulges the readers in this chaotic ride that takes surprising twists and ends with an ominous cliffhanger, only keeping me intrigued to read more.
There are a few mistakes that can be easily corrected. The main focus in editing should be on dialogue formatting and usage of semicolons, as well as the superfluous usage of tags that makes the dialogue heavy.
Personally, I've enjoyed reading these chapters, and I can't wait for the author to wreck havoc and bring Cammie and Rhys closer together. Keep up the good work! :)

Wolf's Lullaby

Taking into consideration that I've read seven chapters only, I find myself wanting to know more about these witty, mysterious, and unexpectedly emotional characters. In "Wolf's Lullaby", Lena takes her readers on a magical ride from Whiteridge to Blackwood as sweet Tara faces a new journey and Philip struggles with his own darkness. The author is able to bring out the views in her mind and characters' heavy emotions, and depict them in colorful and crisp images. It was kind of forced at the beginning, but the author seemed to relax and understand her characters more through out the story. There are some mistakes to fix and the author should pay attention to dialogue formatting.
I haven't yet reached the point where Tara and Philip get together, but I'm looking forward to this scene and to many other secrets to be revealed.
Lena is in control of what she wants to reveal to her readers in each chapter. She knows where to leave a cliffhanger or a twist to keep us engaged and turning the pages of her magical story! Nice work! :)

Refreshing!

In "The Way I See It", Pahul writes these poems from fresh experiences and young eyes that observe life with wisdom. You are invited to embark on a journey and see, hear, feel, and even understand life from her perspective. This is a collection of uplifting poems that will provide you the support and hope in tough and dark times.
In a creative way and simple language, Pahul is able to illustrate the beauty and the brightness of her soul and mind into meaningful messages.
Save a few mistakes, this is an incredible work and I enjoyed it. I appreciate the support I got by reading this immensely! :)

MVP Awards Review

The words "Piano prodigy" and Ryker's ability to hear music coming out of people are what intrigued me to read this story. I've read the first seven chapters only, and even though not a lot had happened, I got to know more about the characters. Ryker and Porter have a common point—being outcasts—but they're also opposites. While Ryker is the introvert who turned the environment around him into something that suits his everyday struggles, Porter barges in unannounced—confident, brave, and doesn't have a song—taking Ryker's hand and pulling him out of his shell. The boys' interactions are realistic and they have deep thoughts about life. Personally, I found their relationship evolving fast, but I like how they draw the best out of each other (mostly Porter) and trust each other.
The writer can use the music pieces mentioned to his advantage, by making the delivery of emotions more colorful and clear in the auditory aspect. The superfluous usage of tags and redundancy make the dialogue heavy, and there are spelling and punctuation mistakes that can be easily edited.
"I Hear You" has potential and a good plot that I wish wasn't partly unveiled in the blurb. Nevertheless, I find myself interested to read more because there are answers I'm looking for.
Nice work. Keep it up! :)

Captivating!

"Breathe" grabbed my attention from the very start by introducing a couple of old friends who seemed like polar opposites—the handsome and cleverly manipulative Caleb and the constantly restless Mina who lived her life under authoritative pressure—in a post-apocalyptic world designed down to the tiniest details by a creative writer. The mystery wrapped around both MCs is alluring and with questions laid out from the first chapter, I found myself reading more and I found myself swept up with the seamless flow of the story and the engaging events. The characters seem to grow on you with their unique voices and dynamics even if their motives aren't quite clear yet, but there's a clear path being drawn from the final point to the first point of the story. The style is well-composed which helped me connect and relate to the characters, and there are only minor errors that can be easily fixed.
Vanessa left the readers with an ominous cliffhanger, and I can't wait for the second part to be released so I can continue reading. I strongly recommend this story! Read it and keep breathing, for you don't you what's waiting for you!
Amazing work! :)

Don't Switch Off Yet; There's More!

In the world of Cypher city, Switch is the only one in the whole Continent who can see the truth of how dystopian the world he's living in is. While other residents use Implants to go about with their daily lives, they live in a world of fake and colorful fantasy, until some people start glitching out. Carrying a secret that could lead to his death, Switch is the only one who can help the residents.
In "Switch Off", TheGreenShoes grasps all readers' senses, and engages them in thrilling events in a world that could only be built by a brilliant brain. Can't wait to see how Switch will wreck havoc to Cypher Co system, and help his people see the truth with naked eyes.
This is a genius piece of writing, and I definitely recommend it! :)

Foley

At first, I thought you've written your story as a play, but as I read, I noticed it is a story that isn't written the way a story should be written. Of course, everyone is free with their own writing style, but this piece of work doesn't fall under the "story" category, and neither does it fall under the "play" category.
I can't say I was scared, but the plot is intriguing and it's well-planned—I didn't notice plot holes, and the events were happening in a logical manner, even though things were going backward in time. It's controversial; what's with God and devils and hell and such. Each character is unique and has a story to tell, but the names are actually confusing because they're similar. I wonder why you introduced all these characters at the beginning and gave a glimpse at their situations if you were going to delve deeper into their stories later on.
You have minimal errors in grammar and I applaud you for that.
My focus here is going to be on the writing style. I'm not going to tell you how to write a story or a play; these are just points you can take into consideration if you like:
1-The setting of the story is all white walls. The places in which the story is happening aren't described and there's no color. You keep switching from setting to another and the delivery is choppy.
2-The only person whom I know how she looks is Lehcim. You keep saying that Foley is handsome, but I don't know how he looks like. All I know is that he has a tattoo. Give your characters appearances.
3-You're narrating. I can't sympathize with anyone when I don't know how they feel. Saying "he felt this and that" doesn't help. Humans express emotions through body reactions. The characters are delivering speech in monotone and I don't know how they sound like. Also, when two characters are having a conversation and the reader knows who they are, there's no need for them to use each other's names during the speech. Don't use synonyms in close proximity. One thing that felt off was Lehcim doing it with her husband right after giving birth; it's impossible. She has at least to wait three weeks.
It's a good story with a well-planned plot, but it needs some polishing. Don't give up and keep writing!

Soren

I've read the first ten chapters, and I can tell the story has great potential and I enjoyed it. "Soren" as a title fits the story, not because it's the name of the male lead—who hadn't done a huge thing in these chapters yet—but because it fits the severe life Luna is living. Luna is a strong female lead who has been cast out as an anomaly by her family all her life and hadn't left her house ever before. Her curiosity drives her to venture out of the Grand Manor, where she learns more about the Shadow Realm and then meets Soren, the boy who instantly has her heart. It annoyed me a bit that Luna is kind of naive for trusting quickly and building connections with people a little after she meets them. I don't have some thing against Soren, he's sweet and kind and lovable, but his instant connection with Luna is suspicious.
Luna wants more now, she visits the Earth and wants to know the truth about her mother. The story is really engaging and the world is built from a creative mind and heart. There are some grammatical errors and the punctuation of dialogues needs to be worked on, but there's nothing that hinders the understanding of the story.
I enjoyed reading "Soren" and I'm going to continue reading!! Nice work :)

MVP Awards Review

I'm fond of the Ogura Hundred Poems, and I haven't read modern poetry in a long time, but I loved and enjoyed your collection of poems that brings the nature closer to the heart and the mind. I love how you transcribed the views before your eyes into poems, and even though you use simple words, I felt what you felt and saw what you saw. I was there in each poem, a clear and vivid image of the scenery in my mind. Your message is clear from this collection: you want readers to see and feel the nature instead of just looking. You want them to protect and preserve nature and appreciate its beauty. The poems reflected your kind personality and showed me that you're a lover of nature and a person who sees beauty in everything.
Technically, pay attention to subject verb agreement and there are some punctuation errors.
This was an aesthetic read. Lovely work!! :)

MVP Awards Review

Firstly, I must mention that the cover is artistic and it describes Pandora's appearance beautifully. You have a unique plot—post the original Pandora's Box—and I like how your extraordinary character is thrown in an ordinary world that later bombards her with unexpected incidents. The world building is good, and Pandora's feelings would've been delivered clearly if not for the redundancy. The repetitive usage of words and expressions diverted my attention from the events even though they were thrilling and full of action. The story can benefit from editing, and not just in correcting mistakes, but also in being nitpicky about each word you use.
Don't give up, and keep writing! :)

Companions For Life

Excuse me if I sound harsh, but I tend to be as thorough and as honest as possible in my reviews. This is my personal opinion, so you can take it or leave it.
You have a good plot and a good cast of characters. Sharhul seems so in love, and I like Farhat's stubborn attitude even though she's sometimes unreasonable. I can tell that she is in love with him as well. I don't know how old they are, but they are a sweet and childish couple even though they're married.

The way you organize your story is a bit confusing, and I would have liked a clearer timeline of events to know what is happening before what. In the meeting between Saba and Farhat, Sharhul isn't present and doesn't know what talk took place between them, right? So, how is he remembering whatever happened between Saba and Farhat? Sharhul's conversations with his brain and heart felt overdone.

Try to show more emotions and actions instead of just telling and narrating the story. When Sharhul stepped down the road to save Farhat, I didn't feel his fear for her. She feels irked? I can see the trauma in her face? Showing makes the reader feel a deep connection with the story. It conveys the actions and the feelings and builds a deeper emotional connection with your characters and hooks readers. Stick to real life.
How to show and not tell:
1- Get rid of all basic sensory words (feel- smell- see-touch- hear- taste) and use strong verbs and other visual language.
2- Don't use "emotion explaining" words like: sad, happy, nervous, afraid etc... Instead, replace them with the physical reaction of the emotion.
3- Describe body language. Body language is what we use in real life to show.

Pay attention to POVs, and dont mix them. Sharhul is the one telling the story but in chapter 1, you wrote: "Her heart snapped at her"

About nodding 'yes' and nodding 'no'. Nodding is always a gesture of agreement, and shaking your head means 'no'.

You have a lot of basic grammar mistakes and mistakes in prepositions. Verbs following singular nouns and pronouns take an 's', except the pronoun 'I'. Verbs after the pronoun 'I' don't take an 's'. Verbs after plural nouns don't take an 's' as well. The plural of 'foot' is 'feet', not 'foots'. Pay attention to the tenses, you're mixing tenses a lot and not keeping a consistent one. Also, don't use present participle all the time. There are missing punctuation marks and missing articles (a, an, the) as well.

It's a good story, and it can benefit from editing so it'll shine even more! Don't give up, and keep writing! :)

Magical!

Magical. Magical. Magical—how the first scene and the views and the sounds are woven into words. It gave a serene feeling and introduced the characters smoothly. The images are vivid and colorful, and the situation turned a bit electric with each passing chapter. I like how it started with them being normal teens—breaking some rules and venturing outside their school's premises. Youhei seems collected and intriguing. Meldei has a mysterious air around her and I love her positivity and how she always manages to push herself to help her friends. Nika and Lea are a bit dramatic, but the genre is drama, so don't mind me. The characters' interactions are natural and the way you weave a flashback into the scene is genius. Your choice of words is between simple and elevated and I like the use of figurative language.
There are some verbs switched from past to present, so try to keep a consistent tense. In chapter 2, you switched once from third to first POV as well. Other grammar errors include prepositions, but there's nothing that hinders the understanding of the story.
It's really lovely and serene, and the characters have a lot to reveal! Looking forward for more! :)

Playing with Death

Since a lot yet is to be revealed, I can't judge the plot well, but the prologue intrigued and hooked me, and you're off to a good start. Liz has this mysterious aura wrapped around her, and her walking to the cottage felt suspicious to me. You did a good job in delivering her feelings—your choice of words is mixed between simple and elevated, and with the figurative language, the images were forged in my mind vividly.

I noted you use a lot of simple sentences that start with "I". This action makes the composition of paragraphs weaker. There are different types of sentences and you can mix between them to strengthen the composition.

Pay attention to tense consistency—you switched between present and past tense.

Regarding dialogue punctuation: Dialogue punctuation, tags, and action beats: cases on how dialogues should be punctuated.
-If the sentence is a statement: "I made coffee," he/she/they/I/my mother etc... said. (Note the comma and no capitalization)
-If the sentence is a question or exclamation. "Do you want coffee?" he asked. "Wow! You look so beautiful!" he commented.
- If the dialogue is followed by action beat: "I made coffee." He reached for two mugs from the cupboard (capitalization and point)
For more visit https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/

It's a good start, and there's a lot yet for you to tell us and a lot of space for character development as well! Looking forward for more!! Keep writing!! :)

Interesting and Captivating

This is a fantastic and mysterious ride that is hiding behind a normal-life front, and I enjoyed it immensely. It started with Ellie, a normal teenage girl who happens to live a normal teenage life, until she discovers she's not normal at all. And the fantasy begins here. I like Ellie; she's not the typical "I'm into boys" like all teens. She thinks a lot, she follows her own logic, and I like how confused she is about her feelings towards Avidan. She's not very brave or confident, but she's willing to help however she can. At first, I thought it was going to be a typical high school romance (hot boy and unpopular girl), and I didn't see the twist coming. Avidan is the type of brooding guy, and I can understand why Ellie feels drawn to him.
The plot is engaging, and I like how you don't leave a hole and that you understand your characters pretty well. The descriptions of settings and people and the switch from a normal life to fantasy are all vivid and crisp. Your way with words helped me connect with Ellie and Avidan and understand their feelings. Carrie is sweet and bubbly, and I want her to reconcile with Ellie as soon as possible. Bridget was hiding a depressing past behind that hilarious and caring front. For sure, the cast of the Outs are bizarre and intriguing in their own way (can't spoil it all!)
Technically, I didn't see any spelling mistakes, and it seems you know the dialogue punctuation rules pretty well. The only error is when tagging the dialogue with the verb "ask". This verb is also a tag, so it follows the rule: the subject isn't capitalized unless it's a proper noun. For example in chapter 4: a young male voice announced/the boy asked etc...
It's lovely and really captivating so far. I love how Ellie's life changed and the mystery around her is alluring! Looking forward for more!! :)

Soulmate

What a surprise this was! It started with a couple who had known each other for years, fallen in love, and decided to get married, and the twist was entirely unexpected. I see you have a good plot and good characters, but I'd love to know more about their history together: how they first met, when they first confessed their love for each other, etc... And of course how they look like. At the beginning of the story there was a lot of narration and detailed character's actions. Give the settings a bit more color, and when only one character is speaking, don't put each sentence of their speech alone between quotations. Put all the speech between one pair of quotations. You tricked us with the romantic atmosphere you created, and I never thought Jesse would turn out to be a jerk. I'm so rooting for Elaine now, even though I can't yet understand her feelings toward her husband. Love is a complicated thing, and chemistry is one of its pillars—that's what Jesse and Elaine lacked and that's the essence of their trouble. I hope Elaine gets a happy ending.
Technically, pay attention to run-on sentences. Read aloud to know where to add a comma. There are subject-verb agreement problems as well as other grammar mistakes. When the dialogue is a statement, I noticed that you either punctuate it with ellipses (...) or you don't punctuate at all.
Dialogue punctuation, tags, and action beats: cases on how dialogues should be punctuated.
-If the sentence is a statement: "I made coffee," he/she/they/I/my mother etc... said. (Note the comma and no capitalization)
-If the sentence is a question or exclamation. "Do you want coffee?" he asked. "Wow! You look so beautiful!" he commented.
- If the dialogue is followed by action beat: "I made coffee." He reached for two mugs from the cupboard (capitalization and point)
For more visit https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
Also, pay attention to tense consistency.
It's a good story, and I'm eager to know what happens next! Keep writing!! :)

Just Go

Even though it's only one chapter, the author introduced us to characters in a smooth way and portrayed their feelings vividly. I like the concept that there's always hope no matter how tough life becomes. There's always hope until the last breath. The last part is intriguing and now I'm thinking that a story can be written from this situation.
You have one spelling mistake, and subject-verb agreement mistakes. Pay attention to tense consistency; you tend to switch between past and present tenses.
It's a one-shot, but the material is promising, and with editing it'll be great to go! Keep writing! :)

Quirky and Cute!

I'm so happy you asked me to read this, and I must say you're a talented writer and I want to read more of your work!!
Your story has different vibes: sadness, conflict, sweetness, and fleeting, stolen moments of happiness that I'm sure you'll add more off. Honestly, the first line of the story hooked me, and I thought it was funny. Miles is a combination of two personalities that he's trying not to get crushed under. He's living a life build for him by his controlling parents, trying to perfect being just like his brother, and when he's left alone in his cocoon, he's one of art and music and carries a heart full of sadness. He's quirky (that's what makes the story funny), smart, rational, but at the same time he has zero confidence when it comes to standing up to his parents and taking his own decisions.
I love Cherry. She's everything Miles isn't—a bright, cheerful, confident, and bold girl—no wonder Miles is attracted to her. I love that despite the difference between them, they found a common ground. I love that Cherry is bringing out Miles real self and gradually helping him to speak his heart. That's what chemistry is about. Your writing style is good, and I easily connected with the characters. The flow of the story is so smooth as well.
You have a few typos and grammatical errors that can be easily detected through editing.
Right now, I have a feeling Cherry is hiding sadness under that bright facade, and I'm waiting for Miles to suck it up and fight for his life, or collapse under pressure. Either way, it's going to be a turning point in his story.
Loving it so far!! I noticed you entered this story in a competition (or maybe both?) Anyway, wish you all the luck with it! :)

The Other Side

What I'm going to write here is my personal opinion, so you can take it or leave it.
I like the vibe of your story and I find myself engaged and wanting to read more and know more about the protagonists. The chapter is too long for a first chapter. To be honest with you, it was a bit confusing for me at first. I thought that the male protagonist is both the female's boss at work and husband at home, until I learned later that she's married and trying her best not to get involved in a love affair with the male protagonist. While reading, I wondered how they both looked like, what kind of work they are doing, and what their names are. I noticed you named a minor character (Lara) but both the male and female protagonists are nameless. The plot would be easier to follow if they have names. The descriptions are vivid good, but pay attention to redundancy and don't go deep into describing actions of characters because that doesn't leave imagination for the reader.
Technically, there are no spelling mistakes. There are grammar mistakes and word confusion that can be easily fixed through editing. Pay attention to switches between past and present tense (it'll be challenging to find those because they aren't a lot) Some words miss articles "a" and "the".
Some questions miss question marks, and pay attention to point and comma usage. Sometimes it should be a comma instead of a point (and that's why there are incomplete sentences) and sometimes vice-versa. You can cut off someone using an em-dash (—) and the elipsis are only three points (. . .) There are those lengthy words like "Gooooooooodddd" you can easily replace it with "God!" and follow it with a strong tagging verb.
Dialogue punctuation, tags, and action beats: cases on how dialogues should be punctuated.
-If the sentence is a statement: "I made coffee," he/she/they/I/my mother etc... said. (Note the comma and no capitalization)
-If the sentence is a question or exclamation. "Do you want coffee?" he asked. "Wow! You look so beautiful!" he commented.
- If the dialogue is followed by action beat: "I made coffee." He reached for two mugs from the cupboard (capitalization and point)
For more visit https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
? and ! don't exist together or more than once. (No ?! !? ?? or !!)
Your story has a good potential, and with a bit of editing, it'll shine even more! Keep writing! :)

Captivating!!

I keep wondering if this is a sequel in a series of books, because the events are so engaging and the characters are so connected together and have a long history.
You have a good hook, your characters are so relatable and realistic—funny, witty, close-knit, quirky—and when things get serious, they're ready to face whatever comes. I'd like to know more about Nick; he died so fast and that's why I thought the story is a sequel. Gold is everything you find in an annoying guy, but he's unexpectedly charming. I want to know what he did and why everyone is threatened by him. I quickly connected with your characters and I want to read more of your story.
Technically, the story is well composed and by far the flow is smooth. Except, I don't know how anyone looks like. Don't write in caps a lot; a word written in caps is fine, but a whole sentence is better tagged with: she shouted/yelled/screamed on top of her lungs. Regarding dialogue punctuation: when you add a tag for the dialogue at the end, and the dialogue is a statement, the dialogue should be punctuated with a comma, not a point.
Comma usage: Read aloud to know where to add your commas. ? and ! don't exist together or more than once. (No ?! !? ?? or !!)
There are some mistakes that can be fixed through editing.
Amazing job, engaging events, and I want to read more, so I hope you update soon! :)

WOW WOW WOW!!!

I love it!!! I can't even begin to tell you how much I love it!! From the very start of the sequel to the very end the events were engaging and thrilling and everyone was going down.
I love how each of your characters develops and how each of them gets a chance to shine whether in a good or a bad way. It amazes me how you're able to juggle all these characters and proceed in each of their individual stories right were they stopped. The elements of action and romance and fantasy are well-balanced.
Tasik's and Skye's love story is heartwarming and I'm so happy Dyaan turned out fine and got together with Brekla. Sue is so so adorable and has this mysterious aura around her, and Karrin is surprisingly emotional. I'm gonna miss Elluna's warm aura though.
The whole story is well-composed and is flowing smoothly.
The only technical issue is regarding dialogue punctuation.
Dialogue punctuation, tags, and action beats: cases on how dialogues should be punctuated.
-If the sentence is a statement: "I made coffee," he/she/they/I/my mother etc... said. (Note the comma and no capitalization)
-If the sentence is a question or exclamation. "Do you want coffee?" he asked. "Wow! You look so beautiful!" he commented.
- If the dialogue is followed by action beat: "I made coffee." He reached for two mugs from the cupboard (capitalization and point)
For more visit https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
? and ! don't exist together or more than once. (No ?! !? ?? or !!)
I immensely enjoyed reading The Runaway and I hope Vance becomes even stronger and more confident in the next part.

Look Into My Eyes

The feelings and thoughts I have for this story are so complicated, so hang in with me. This isn't my type of books, but I read it upon your request. I'm indifferent about your story—I don't like it, buy I don't dislike it either. It started with a very good hook, and the twists through out the story were surprising. Winelde who turned out to be Gwen was one thing, and then there was The Oculus. I was positive it was Dr. J all the way until the identity of The Oculus was identified, and when it turned out to be Fitz, ai was like "WHAAAT?!!!" It made me realize that the truth is always in front of you and you always miss it while trying to dig deeper. Also, you gave no hint that made me suspect Dr. Fitz.
The murders in the story are masochistic and disturbing enough without being too graphic, and I'm so glad you didn't go any further with such a crime because it would've been one hell of a nightmare, and I can't side with Win either because she turned out to be just as horrible. Yes, she is smart and witty and I like that you put her in different life situations were she almost felt as normal as everyone, but I would really loved to know her memories with her mother. What kind of painful memories she had? Is it the same thing about her parents and brother getting killed before her eyes? Did she really have to seek revenge that way? Also, I didn't get to know how Win was abducted. McBride needs someone to knock some sense back into his useless brain, and I don't know how Marjorie accepted living with a such a monster. So she was okay with her husband raping girls?
What kind of gun was Bishop using? Because only a sniper's bullet can fly out of one body and strike another.
Technically—excuse me for being a bit harsh here—sometimes you build tension pretty well—like in chapter 9 where you put all the events that leave the readers on the edge of their seats all together, and sometimes things are abrupt and out of nowhere like when Marjorie stepped in and slit Bishop's throat—that guy should have taken action when he discovered how useless his partner is—or when Win let Jamiee into her house and made love to him. Dear God, slow down and give the couple a moment.
Intersections between characters are smooth and natural.
Regarding dialogues: you don't have to separate the dialogues from their corresponding action beats. When you did that, I got confused and couldn't know who was saying what. Also, you don't have to put each complete sentence on a line alone. Paragraphs do exist, and they're made of complex sentences. Pay attention to missing or additional punctuation marks and missing quotations. ? and ! don't exist together or more than once. (No ?! !? ?? or !!) In chapter 1, you switched from double quotations to single quotations and in chapter 2, you mixed Dr. J's dialogue with that of McBride's. Numbers under 101 are spelled out in letters. There are a few grammar mistakes but can easily be edited. Pay attention to comma usage.
It's a good story, and the ending was expected. If you gave Win and Jamiee a sweet moment where readers would lose themselves, I think the fact that Fitz shows up outside Win's door would be shocking.
Nice work! Keep writing! :)

A Chill Down Your Spine

The story starts with an adorable girl and an even more adorable kitten, and readers would never know what's coming for them. The twist half-way through the first chapter was the hook for me. It's disturbing definitely, and you should warn readers about that, but the descriptions are so vivid and crisp that I can see the images in my head. Your writing style just tells how talented you are. Anastasia and Nadia are sadistic, and I can't help but think that a past experience happened with them that led them to their current life. I want to see how Anastasia's character is going to change and develop, what kind of turning event will turn her life upside down, and how she will react to such an event. The only unreasonable thing I found through these chapters is Nadia walking around the house right after she gave birth and with a placenta still in her body—unless she got rid of it someway.
Anyway, you have good and scary material that gave me the chills!!
Technically, there're tiny punctuation mistakes. Pay attention to comma usage—sometimes it should be a point. ? and ! don't exist together or more than once. (No ?! !? ?? or !!) Also, numbers under 101 should be spelled out in letters.
You're talented, and from what I've read, "Anastasia" has a great potential to become a thrilling and gripping story. Amazing job! Keep writing! :)

Couldn't Put it Down!

I've finished reading the second part of The Project a few days ago—before you split it into two books, and I've been thinking about it for a while. I'm not much of a commentor—that's why you don't hear much from me, but if I don't say this, then I won't be giving you justice.
You had me in a trance, Jill.
Through these chapters, I got mesmerized with the events and the characters that when I blinked back into the real world, I found myself almost done. And I loved and enjoyed every bit of it: from the chaos that Niels initiated and how it sprouted courage and boldness in Dyaan and drove him to help Vance escape, to the point where they had temporary safety, you had me anticipating at the edge of my seat. I like how Brekla began chipping at Tasik's armor, and how hers and Dyaan's feelings are surfacing. Hearing about Timera broke my heart, and I teared up when Iyzabel caught Dyaan. I know Vance is the main character, but Dyaan has my heart now. Kamon is scary by the way, I'm trying to sympathize with him because he was only a kid controlled by a wild force. And I'm so rooting for Anzon and Rizara.
I'll shut up so I won't spoil it more for those who haven't read it.
What I'm trying to say is, your story is incredibly captivatng, and I've bonded with your characters and I wanna know how each of their stories will continue. So, I'm off to start with The Runaway! You're amazing, Jill, and I'm so glad I got to know you and read your work :)

The First Fall

I've finished reading your amazing and warm story more than a week ago, and I really enjoyed every bit of it, including the song.
You have a good plot and a great and diverse cast of characters, and I couldn't help but feel that Jamie is so close in character to you. Your characters are so realistic, starting from their different thoughts about Christmas and how they tackle their problems, and ending with their relationships with one another. I love how Jamie and Elle interact and support one another. Kade and Jamie are so adorable and I love how this chemistry and attraction between them bloomed into love. And the fight between Elle and Scott was so funny I couldn't help but picture it. You even showed us that Christmas isn't a perfect holiday for everyone, but what makes it whole is having your favorite people around you. I'm always amazed by your knowledge of history, old movies, and songs. And what completed everything was your song—I left a comment on the video by the way.
Technically, there's repetition of using 'as' to show that something is happening right when something else is happening. There are also tiny mistakes in dialogue punctuation, check this link if you want: https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags
I loved your story, Jo, and I enjoyed every bit of it. I hope it's not late to say, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!! 👑❤

My Three Wishes

Haven't been more engaged in a story before. Your story perfectly fits the saying: "Don't judge a book from its cover." And you're an all-rounder in writing! Your book fits all genres: Romance, humor, horror, thriller, and fantasy.
At first, I was confused whenever Liza talked about fantasy and supernatural creatures, but through out the story, I realized that Rory and Liza are living with those humans, and the idea all but makes the story even more engaging.
Putting Rory in a dire situation from the very first chapter was the hook for me, and I couldn't put your story down. You can't expect a thing while you're reading.
Rory's and Liza's relationship is what I call a real friendship. They're together through the good and bad, and Liza is supportive, witty, sometimes unreasonable and acts without thinking, but she's also really hilarious. You're very talented. I like how you build tension slowly and steadily. You deliver Rory's feelings in rich and vivid images, and you're so good at making new words!! In the earliest chapters you described characters' actions in detail and I was a bit irritated, but the flow of the story is so smooth and it makes you forget that. Frankly, I didn't like that things got instantly physical with Caine when Rory doesn't even know what he is. I keep feeling that he's kind of possessive when it comes to Rory.
Technically, there's nothing to say about your writing style more than what I mentioned above. There are some typos that can be easily edited. Check chapter 15, because there are verbs that are switched to present tense.
? and ! don't exist together or more than once. (No ?! !? ?? or !!)
Also, (grin, giggle, smile, laugh, shrug, sigh) these are action beats and should follow the action beat rule of dialogue punctuation. Check this link if you want to know more: https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags
I love it! You're doing a super amazing job and your story deserves more and more readers!! Keep writing! :)

Such a Pretty Face

I must say, this is a clever and intriguing piece of work, and I'm glad I had the chance to read and understand it.
You are a creative and talented writer. With each passing chapter, I was amazed by the smoothness and vivid images, the way your chapters have moderate lengths but are rich with events, and the way you keep your readers intrigued by adding more mysteries and throwing a thrilling incident. You have a unique plot and I like that the story had a moral. Obesity is a case that most people think of as a problem or a flaw. Sometimes it's the result of carelessness and sometimes it's the result of a disease, and sometimes it's muscle mass in the wrong place. But most people bully the obese people and look down on them or humiliate them, and I totally understand that it's hard to accept oneself the way we are. But we should. After all, we are all humans. We are all imperfect and we all have flaws, but we are never defined by them.
Because obese people think they're defined by their weight and appearance, they lose confidence, and it's definitely true that looking good increases self-esteem, but the important thing is to believe that we're beautiful no matter how we look. A stable mental state can be crushed by one negative thought. The matter in your hands is delicate, and you tackled every aspect of it—from the point Aida joined the compound as a non confident candidate, to the point where her life finally came together—cleverly. I watched how Aida changed attitude, how her new appearance influenced her and the people around her, and how her character changed over the story. The attendant team struck me as pragmatic at first, but it turned out they're a group of masochists and inhumane monsters. It's sad what happened to Eva and the rest, but I'm glad Aida and Tony remained friends, and that Aida gradually built up courage to face her past and move on.
Technically, the only problem lies in punctuation.
Dialogue punctuation, tags, and action beats: cases on how dialogues should be punctuated.
-If the sentence is a statement: "I made coffee," he/she/they/I/my mother etc... said. (Note the comma and no capitalization)
-If the sentence is a question or exclamation. "Do you want coffee?" he asked. "Wow! You look so beautiful!" he commented.
- If the dialogue is followed by action beat: "I made coffee." He reached for two mugs from the cupboard (capitalization and point)
For more visit https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
? and ! don't exist together or more than once. (No ?! !? ?? or !!)
I like your story. You're talented and clever and it's really been a while for me since I read a really good book. Thank you for such an opportunity. Keep writing! :)

The Sparks Between Us

Excuse me if I sound harsh, but I tend to be honest and thorough in my reviews. This review is my personal opinion, so take it or leave it. I've read up till chapter 31, and I must say that it's good that a few things are finally being revealed and the big picture is coming together. You have a good plot and it's good that you leave some things as mystery to engage your readers more into the story. The cast of characters is good, and I like that the girls are strong and the boys are kind of soft and cute. But there are some irrational stuff. I understand Scarlet's story and that she has to avenge her grandpa, and that Zara and Agnus joined her because they're her best friends, but are four years of training enough to make them all heartless killers. Now if Zara and Agnus had a purpose to kill from the very start, I think I would understand. None of the main characters had a normal childhood—which is expected noting that they all lived with parents who were parts of Mafias or gangs—but does that mean that the world becomes a better place if the next generation carried this legacy? Even if Scarlet is a Mafia leader, and no one should cross her, she should learn—all of them should know—how to separate personal matters from work matters. I actually hated when she threatened to kill Xavier if he didn't listen to her story. She has a bad temper. Of course, these are your characters, and diversity is good. I love how you paired these six up, and I really wanted to know from Zara's and Agnus's POVs what kind of interaction they had with their crushes. It's also funny with everyone's weird attitude.
At first, I was confused when I read the prologue, because it gives too much information about who knows the situation and secrets of who, and it introduces social groups. Usually, the first chapter of a story contains the hook, or an event that changes characters' lives forever and engages the reader in the story. I didn't find that, and in the first couple chapters or so, you repeated the things you mentioned in the prologue.
Technically, I had a problem in forming a connection with the characters, because it seemed as though you were sticking to narration and not giving enough attention to their emotions. Describe body reaction to certain emotions, that will help readers to bond with characters.
You have a lot of grammar and punctuation mistakes.
1- Punctuate your dialogues. Don't leave space between the last word of a sentence and the punctuation mark after it. Punctuate with one mark only. Action beats are never written between parentheses.
Dialogue punctuation, tags, and action beats: cases on how dialogues should be punctuated.
-If the sentence is a statement: "I made coffee," he/she/they/I/my mother etc... said. (Note the comma and no capitalization)
-If the sentence is a question or exclamation. "Do you want coffee?" he asked. "Wow! You look so beautiful!" he commented.
- If the dialogue is followed by action beat: "I made coffee." He reached for two mugs from the cupboard (capitalization and point)
For more visit https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
Comma usage: Read aloud to know where to add your commas. You have a lot of run-on sentences. ? and ! don't exist together or more than once. (No ?! !? ?? or !!)
2- Separate the dialogues of different people on different lines, and don't write the action beats between parentheses.
3- From the looks of it, there are typos, but there are also repetitive mistakes, and words mistook for other words. There's random capitalization for words in the middle of paragraphs and sometimes you don't capitalize proper nouns.
4- Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, comparative and superlative forms of adjectives and usage of prepositions.
5- Numbers under 101 are written in letters.
6- words that start with vowels take 'an' not 'a'.
Of course, it's not my place to tell you how to work on your story and you're free to leave this and ignore it.
I hope this helps anyway, and I hope you will write more and more stories, because you have the potential!! Keep writing! :)

Pieces

I stumbled upon your story, and I must say that the last line of the blurb intrigued me to read, and I'm glad I did. You have a good couple chapters as a hooking start for your story where you introduced diverse and realistic characters smoothly. Betty strikes me as a bold and forward girl, especially when she yelled for Tokun from her window. She adores poetry, yet she's struggling to compose. Tokun's family situation is just the example of overprotective yet typical family. You proved that even domestic issues cause troubles for teenagers. Sometimes parents don't even realize that they're not giving their kids enough space to express themselves, and they even drum certain thoughts in their kids' heads and that's how they lose self-esteem. The mystery around Tokun which made her move with her family is alluring and I can't wait to know what will happen next.
Technically, your descriptions are vivid and crisp, and you're able to deliver emotions and thoughts clearly. You have three grammar mistakes (I don't count, but these are countable😅) [That's/ kids' faces- add the missing apostrophes] and [hadn't chosen instead of hadn't chose]
There are missing punctuation marks in the dialogues, and even wrong dialogue punctuation, which brings me to this.
Dialogue punctuation, tags, and action beats: cases on how dialogues should be punctuated.
-If the sentence is a statement: "I made coffee," he/she/they/I/my mother etc... said. (Note the comma and no capitalization)
-If the sentence is a question or exclamation. "Do you want coffee?" he asked. "Wow! You look so beautiful!" he commented.
-If the dialogue is followed by action beat: "I made coffee." He reached for two mugs from the cupboard (capitalization and point)
For more visit https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
Said tags include: said/answered/replied/yelled/whispered etc...
? and ! don't exist together or more than once. (No ?! !? ?? or !!)
It's a great start with a mystery that hooks readers for more! Can't wait to be introduced to the remaining characters! Keep writing! :)

Closely Distant

Excuse me if I sound harsh, but I tend t be thorough and honest in my reviews, so accepting it or leaving it is up to you.
I have a lot to comment on, starting with the plot. You started with a hooking prologue, and I was enjoying how the chemistry between Jason and Tammy was budding. Of course from the blurb, I could tell Tammy was going to be a family member, and I'm still praying she won't be his biological sister, because one: that would be freakish, and two: it can't be possible except in one case.
Jason's father was caught cheating on his mother when he was four, right? Tammy and Jason are of the same age. So, if Tammy is Jason's sister from his father but from a different mother, then the only case that would be true if Mr. Walter has been cheating on Mrs. Walter when Jason was a newborn; otherwise Tammy and Jason won't be close in age. I hope that wasn't very confusing. It surprised me that all Jason was thinking about when he kissed Tammy was how to get himself out of trouble, not that there's a possibility he'd made out with his sister. And his friends didn't point that out to him. Also, he kept referring to Mr. Walter as Tammy's father only, when that guy is his father and the truth is inescapable.
I understand his mother's dilemma very well, but no matter what, a mother always gives hope to a better life with better people to her children.
When Mr. Walter arrived at the campus, I wondered how Jason recognized him as his father, and how they resemble each other. I even wondered if Mr. Walter recognized Jason or if he did all that because he's just pure evil. Excuse me, I'm venting now 😅
Also, what respectable school agrees to such an impudent suggestion such as the one made by Mr. Walter? How come the principal didn't ask for names and connect between Walter senior and junior? It's a bit off of a Mr. Anderson to come as the father of a Jason Walter.
Tammy didn't strike me as sweet as Jason said. To me, she's tomboyish with a sharp mind and tongue—at least until she lied and I read the back story and discovered she's naive. That's why they say don't take a drink from someone in a crowd. Anyway, I hated that she lied, and then burst out at him, saying that she hated seeing Jason. If she hated Jason kissing her so much, she could've pushed him away. Jason shouldn't have apologized because he kissed her when he was deeply humiliated and she lied to him. Jason is the sweet one.
Now, enough about the story.
Technically, there are a lot of mistakes. There are a lot of typos which is totally expected, but there are grammar and punctuation mistakes as well, especially subject-verb agreement and preposition usage. Your writing style needs strengthening. You have no problem in delivering emotions, but you use 'as' and 'while' a lot to show that something is happening during the time when something else is happening.
Pay attention to repetition: "as something started to happen..."/ "terrified look of horror" and don't use synonyms in close proximity: motivating and spurring (chapter 10)
Numbers under 101 should be spelled out in letters. ? and ! don't exist together or more than once. (No ?! !? ?? or !!) And pay attention to tenses.
There are also missing words and you don't punctuate your dialogue with a point at all.
Dialogue punctuation, tags, and action beats: cases on how dialogues should be punctuated.
-If the sentence is a statement: "I made coffee," he/she/they/I/my mother etc... said. (Note the comma and no capitalization)
-If the sentence is a question or exclamation. "Do you want coffee?" he asked. "Wow! You look so beautiful!" he commented.
- If the dialogue is followed by action beat: "I made coffee." He reached for two mugs from the cupboard (capitalization and point)
For more visit https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
It's a good story, and you got me pissed off at the end. I'm on Jason's team, and I hope this all works out finely for him. Keep writing!! :)

Delightful!

You might not know, Gwen, but what you're doing by putting this heartwarming and sweet story up for us to read is draw smiles on people's faces and gift them with hope. "All I Wish For Christmas" in all its aspects and perspectives is an amazing story, written with a heart flowing with love and kindness.
I must say, I loved every bit of it. You have a very unique, one-of-a-kind plot, because I've never read such a plot before, and even though your characters aren't human, they're so realistic.
Tilly is so close to the heart, and I bet a lot of readers thought that her personality is just like theirs—well, at least that's what I thought. I love how realistic she is, struggling with a crush, heartbreak, and then finally finding true love. You showed us how Tilly gradually grew up and discovered different aspects of life, learned new things, and experienced different emotions. And the way you pour Christmas Spirit in every tiny detail, from the flirting to cursing and even the wedding ceremony was adorable and funny. I like how you didn't ignore Alexa and the other minor characters as well.
As much as Christmas is heartwarming, you made it more and more delightful. You explain the idea of Christmas in a way close to the hearts—this story is so close to kids' minds as well—I love that even naughty kids need and deserve hope and that Christmas is truly not restricted to one religion. It's for all the people in the world and everybody deserves to enjoy it.
You brought joy to the world through this story, and I'm sure this joy and hope and love will rebound and find its way to you for as many years to come!
Merry Christmas!! 💜🎄

Insightful!

This is more of a deep look and understanding of life than a story. I love it! While reading the first few chapters, I kept thinking what the story is about because the events were so normal like any typical and non eventful day, and I was glad something happened to Her in chapter 4. Glad that something happened, not glad that she became ill. The way you deliver her feelings and the vivid descriptions you wrote produced really rich and colorful images in my mind and helped in bonding with the character even if she was nameless. You showed different aspects of her personality—what she likes and dislikes, how she spends every day of the week—in a smooth way. I could feel her anxiety, share her annoyance and even have a taste from her food. Usually, when there's so much details, I get really annoyed because that doesn't leave space for reader's imagination. But in your story, details we're essential for the story plot. You showed layers of the character's personality then gave her a problem and showed us how her life changed from being able to enjoy every little thing, to losing the ability to even stand on her own. You presented something realistic: how a person who is in trouble or facing psychological disorders needs reassurance and love from family and friends and close people, and that there's always hope as long as there's a will to look at it.
Technically, I noticed that you don't put your dialogue in quotations. I wonder if there's a reason. Also, you use parentheses where you can use commas and em-dash. Numbers under 101 should be spelled out in letters. There's only one mistake I noticed in Chapter 7: it's "dialed" not "dialled"
I like your story. It doesn't have a unique plot, but the way you wrote it is very deep and close to the heart. It really gave a serene feeling and it was a smooth ride! Nice work! :)

Coming of the Darkening

Firstly, excuse me if I sound harsh, but I tend to be honest and thorough, and I really hope I get a few points through.
I won't lie, it was hard to read your story.
You have a very good plot and I liked how you dealt with it delicately and in an open-minded way. And you have a very unique cast as well. However, the story was a bit slow and it felt as if Asana's goal has been lost for a while. Also, I don't know where and in what era the story is happening.
I found it hard to read your story because of technicality. You don't have a lot of grammar mistakes, but you have to pay attention to prepositions. The issue here lies with your writing style.
From the very first paragraph of the story, I had trouble capturing the image in my mind. I noticed that you tend to use a lot of complex words and I had to use the dictionary more than fifty times—no kidding—to know what's happening. I'm not telling you that using new and complex words is prohibited or something, not at all. It's good to learn new words, but try to use complex words moderately. Sometimes using these complex words and verbs can lead to confusion and using the words in the wrong way. For example: "By agitating his head..." In this case, you're saying that he is moving or shaking his head. Agitate as a verb definitely means to move, but it's moving of a liquid. Another thing is that complex words and adjectives ruin beauty of the image you're trying to create in the reader's mind. Simple words have a scent, a sound, and a shape in our minds. When you use simple words, or words that are easy to understand through reading, you help readers conjure a beautiful image and connect better to the story and helps them to understand what's happening as well. Also, using descriptive speech is definitely good, but keep it moderate and simple.
You tend to give detailed description of character's actions, which leaves no space for readers' imagination.
Pay attention to usage of unnecessary words and phrases. There are a lot of words that can be removed or replaced to give the paragraphs better composition. For example, there are some phrases you use that sounded intriguing: To give full play to his feelings/To take up cause to her feelings/advocated for her feelings/presented a snapshot /told on her feelings etc... These are all unnecessary phrases that get in the way of characters' actions and feelings. You're already stating the action, and the action describes the feeling and that's enough. For example: "Asana's eyes blazed to express her feelings." It's enough to say that Asana's eyes blazed, and we'll know that she's angry. Another example is in chapter 8: "Chief Bemba's cannoning...stance." Here you can simply say: "He stood up and stormed off." These unnecessary words prevent a smooth story flow.
I want to ask, Asana was 15 at the beginning of the story, right? I assumed she was 15 because she said she wanted to finish her tertiary education, which sounded like high-school to me. Anyway, what I want to point out here is that a girl in Asana's age won't use complicated words in dialogue. Keep it realistic.
Pay attention to redundancy. You tend to use the same sentence structure, which is the inverted sentence structure (subject comes after the compliment.)
Another thing that caught my attention from the very first chapter is that you don't use said tags at all!! You tend to tag dialogues by actions beats only, and this is actually abusing the usage of action beats. Using said tags (verb said and its synonyms) isn't forbidden in writing. Mix it up between actions beats and said tags.
Regarding punctuation: there are missing question marks and run-on sentences (a lot of commas.)
It's a good story, but it was really hard to read. Don't give up and keep writing!!

Amazing so far!!

I don't know where to start exactly, but I've enjoyed reading the chapters included and I can't wait to read more. Aside from the very well-thought and realistic plot, what hooked me to continue reading through each chapter is the cast of the story.
You have a unique set of characters with unique voices, abd they're all so realistic and relatable, especially Mona.
I'm so rooting for Mona right now and her situation broke my heart. I understand her—sometimes it's really scary to stand up for yourself and face your face regardless of your age.
I like how you highlight Mona's interaction with every minor character and how you don't ignore these characters; and how you don't ignore details yet you don't delve too much into them.
Technically, you convey character's emotions and thoughts in a pretty clear and effective way that I could sympathize with Mona and quickly bond with her. The chemistry between Mona and Mr. Moon is exigent and I like Mr. Moon's powerful aura. He's like the driving force of the story.
Aside from some grammatical mistakes that can be easily detected and fixed, the only problem is with the punctuation of a dialogue.
Dialogue punctuation, tags, and action beats: cases on how dialogues should be punctuated.
-If the sentence is a statement: "I made coffee," he/she/they/I/my mother etc... said. (Note the comma and no capitalization)
-If the sentence is a question or exclamation. "Do you want coffee?" he asked. "Wow! You look so beautiful!" he commented.
Dialogue tags examples: said/whispered/yelled/asked etc...
- If the dialogue is followed by action beat: "I made coffee." He reached for two mugs from the cupboard (capitalization and point)
For more visit http://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
Your story is great so far! Can't wait to read what happens next and I really hope Mona gets a happy ending! :D

I love it!

The first few chapters of The Last Winter are definitely an amazing start to a story with a great potential.
It's magical—the way you describe the settings and emotions in a way that's sufficient. I like that you don't overwrite or go into details of actions, giving the story a smooth flow. You've shown me the mind of a twelve-year-old, a sixteen-year-old, and a twenty-year-old Pareesay. And you've shown me different aspects of her personality. Also, it turned out really unexpected when Pareesay woke up in what seemed to me like a palace, in a place where everything felt different from the original world you made, just to be rendered brokenhearted. I hope I'm getting it right. Do you have two worlds built into your story? There's a vampire vibe also.
Technically, when conveying emotions, you seem sometimes to do it right, while in other cases you use 'felt' and other emotion words: anger- fear etc... So, instead of felt and these emotion words, use stronger verbs and replace the words of emotion by the body reaction of the emotion. This way, the reader bonds better with the character.
The subject pronoun 'I' is always capitalized; pay attention to this, and keep punctuation inside the quotation. Also, the word 'hair' in your way of usage is non-count singular, so you should use 'was' and not 'were' with it.
Dialogue punctuation, tags, and action beats: cases on how dialogues should be punctuated.
-If the sentence is a statement: "I made coffee," he/she/they/I/my mother etc... said. (Note the comma and no capitalization)
-If the sentence is a question or exclamation. "Do you want coffee?" he asked. "Wow! You look so beautiful!" he commented.
- If the dialogue is followed by action beat: "I made coffee." He reached for two mugs from the cupboard (capitalization and point)
For more visit http://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
That's all!! It's really lovely and the twist at last was unexpected! Can't wait to read more!

A Novel Brimming with Emotions

I don't know where to start, but I must note that this is going to be a long review. Excuse me if I sound harsh at any point, but I try to be honest and thorough as much as possible.
I like your story and I enjoyed reading it. You have a good plot in your hands, but there were a lot of situations where things where unreasonable. First of all, starting with Ash's and Evan's relationship—it felt rushed how Evan's sister shipped them together and told them to go out, and then BAM! they became engaged in a relation. I had no idea what they liked about each other or how they ended up liking each other in the first place. Then their relation hopped from happy to toxic, and Evan started abusing her. The psychology element in the story is pretty powerful—it's very brave of you to discuss such issues—and I believe that someone who's hurt becomes overprotective of herself as well, distancing herself from men because of the man who hurt her. Now I have a question: you said Evan used to call her names, in what situations does he call her such names? If it was constantly, then would she be able to perform any daily life task s without thinking that she's a clumsy idiot? Would she be able to leave her house without thinking that she's ugly? The situation is a delicate matter and you handled it well and even showed us how Ashley was struggling, but Ashley wasn't moving forward.
I keep wondering what Ashley's motive was, and that she should have more to her character because she's the main one. All what I see is her struggling due to a psychopath who's running after her, while she's being dragged around by other people in her life and not taking decisions. I'm not saying it's wrong to seek help from others, but when that's all she's doing, then what can she do by herself to protect herself from such danger?
I think that's what we'll see in the second book.
Ashley lacked in some places: I don't know what kind of work she does, or what her interests are. She was protected and helped by the minor characters, but she was also reckless and irresponsible, throwing herself into danger every now and then.
When Kaitlyn died, all what I could think about was that she died because she left the house looking for Ashley, and that she died while being on bad terms with her sister. But Ashley didn't think that her sister died because of her and I found that weird.
Regarding Colin, it felt as if he was almost perfect because I didn't see him and Ashley fighting over anything. Fighting is good in relationships too because when you fight with someone, you acknowledge their existence, you know more about them, and build a deeper bond with them. Also, do we know anything about Colin and his family?
Rose was suspicious from the very beginning and Evan's sister totally disappeared after she set her brother and Ash for a date. I wanna know Cassandra's opinion of her brother's insanity.
It's a good plot and you have a great cast, and with a bit of polishing, they can shine through their roles.
Technically, there's a lot to tell:
While I was reading, I noticed you understand the concept of showing vs telling, but sometimes you were telling in places where a lot of emotions can be conveyed beautifully. For example: "I felt great fear and nausea wash over me." This can be fixed.
Showing makes the reader feel a deep connection with the story. It conveys the actions and the feelings and builds a deeper emotional connection with your characters and hooks readers. Stick to real life.
How to show and not tell:
1- Get rid of all basic sensory words (feel- smell- see-touch- hear- taste) and use strong verbs and other visual language. In your case, it's the word 'felt' that you need to target.
2- Don't use "emotion explaining" words like: sad, happy, nervous, afraid etc... Instead, replace them with the physical reaction of the emotion.
3- Describe body language. Don't always replace said tags with action beats. Mix it up. Body language is what we use in real life to show.
4- Focus on describing senses.
For example, when Ash went to compose an email to Rose, instead of telling us what she's doing, show us how troubled and confused she is. Maybe she's writing an email and deleting. Writing and deleting repeatedly until she get's annoyed with herself. Something like:
"'Dear Rose...' No no, that sounds too formal."
Did Ashley ever talk with herself? Try it.
Don't use onomatopoeia, show what happens instead—like the crashing sound of Ashley's accident.
Detailed action description doesn't leave imagination for the reader; that's what you tend to do. You describe actions of characters in details, and sometimes those details aren't important and do not contribute to the plot.
Pay attention to the way you phrase your sentences. There are some unnecessary words that could be omitted. For example when you say "she laughed and sat next to me on my left" you can say "she laughed and sat to my left." Much better, right? Instead of saying "I looked at him and he looked at me" you can say "we looked at each other/we locked gazes/we got mesmerized in each other's eyes." And please don't say "I looked at him with my eyes" or "I gave him a pleading look with my eyes" because of course she's looking with her eyes.
Pay attention to repetition of words in the same sentence. Using was+verb-ing gives the story a passive voice. Also, when writing a dialogue, don't mesh someone's dialogue with someone else's action beat. Better leave the dialogue and action beat of the same person on the same line otherwise readers would be confused about who's talking.
Regarding grammar and punctuation:
*Dialogue punctuation, tags, and action beats: cases on how dialogues should be punctuated.
-If the sentence is a statement: "I made coffee," he/she/they/I/my mother etc... said. (Note the comma and no capitalization)
-If the sentence is a question or exclamation. "Do you want coffee?" he asked. "Wow! You look so beautiful!" he commented.
- If the dialogue is followed by action beat: "I made coffee." He reached for two mugs from the cupboard (capitalization and point)
For more visit http://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
* ? and ! don't exist together or more than once. (No ?! !? ?? or !!)
*There are some grammar mistakes, some words missing apostrophes. Also, you always write 'you was' while it's always 'you were' even if 'you' refers to a singular noun. To interrupt someone, use the em dash (—) not the hyphen and a point (-.)
That's all!
Did I mention that the prologue is so catchy and instantly got me hooked? Also, Colin's death broke my heart and I'm definitely going to read book two!!
Nice job, and I hope Ashley will get a happy ending! :)

High in Love

What an adorable and cute couple you've got there.
Let me be honest with you, when I read the summary of your story, I thought Sasha will face a great deal of misery or trouble while trying to catch Brian's attention; but what happened actually was that Brian had his eyes on Sasha from the very start. When you said he's a bookworm, I thought he'd would arrive with his nose buried in a book, and that he won't be that interested in this thing called love—now I'm enacting my version of Brian. I thought she'd maybe try catching his attention by showing him how much she knows about nature, like providing random info as they roamed around or something. The summary doesn't match what I read. Starting with something happening is good, but your cast lacks a bit in background and preferences. I don't even know how they look like. I don't know when Brian and Sasha met, or when she first developed a crush on him. What history lies between them? Lay it out. What's their likes and dislikes?
With all this said, the pace of the story is rushed and Sasha and Brian quickly moved into a relationship. Although, that kiss was unexpected!! But to me, Sasha didn't face any trouble.
Technically, your grammar is good, but you need to pay attention to:
1-Punctuation: There are missing punctuation marks from questions and statements. Punctuations are placed inside quotations, and you use 'said' a lot to tag your dialogues.
2-Dialogue punctuation, tags, and action beats: cases on how dialogues should be punctuated.
-If the sentence is a statement: "I made coffee," he/she/they/I/my mother etc... said. (Note the comma and no capitalization)
-If the sentence is a question or exclamation. "Do you want coffee?" he asked. "Wow! You look so beautiful!" he commented.
- If the dialogue is followed by action beat: "I made coffee." He reached for two mugs from the cupboard (capitalization and point)
For more visit http://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
3-Show vs Tell:
You have a great scenery around your characters, and Sasha is a very dramatic person, so, why tell and not show how she feels?
Showing makes the reader feel a deep connection with the story. It conveys the actions and the feelings and builds a deeper emotional connection with your characters and hooks readers. Stick to real life.
How to show and not tell:
1- Get rid of all basic sensory words (feel- smell- see-touch- hear- taste) and use strong verbs and other visual language.
2- Don't use "emotion explaining" words like: sad, happy, nervous, afraid etc... Instead, replace them with the physical reaction of the emotion.
3- Describe body language. Don't always replace said tags with action beats. Mix it up. Body language is what we use in real life to show.
4- Focus on describing senses. Detailed action description doesn't leave imagination for the reader.
I hope this helps!! Your story is so adorable and I wanna read more! So, don't give up and keep writing!

The Hidden Fragrance

Read up till chapter 4
Firstly, excuse me if I sound harsh, but I tend to be thorough and honest in my reviews to help you improve your writing. Something I yet don't know about had happened to Kylie, changing her life forever. She was a baby when her non-biological mother found her in a dumpster and took her in to raise her, and now, Kylie is a highschool student living with her mother at the McKay's mansion with Dominic, who has a very annoyingly calm and careless demeanor, and his parents. You have a good plot and characters with intriguing back stories that raise questions. Why was Kylie left in the dumpster? What happened between her and Dominic, and why is the latter hesitant to approach Kylie and acts cold towards her? The events are emotional, and sometimes I could understand Kylie's feeling, while in some cases I couldn't. Kylie isn't weak all the time. She's a badass and Dominic is apparently her weak point. I loved her interaction with her mother and Elijee and I want to know how she and Dominic got this distance between them. Up till now, I can't feel the love between them.
You spend a lot of time narrating what Kylie is doing instead of giving us glimpses of her thoughts, how her body reacts to things, and how she deals with her life. You always say that her brain is anxious about stuff. Anxiety appears with body reactions too: thudding heart, sweating, stuttering, shaking maybe. Describe emotions using figures of speech and body language. Mrs. McKay was annoyed with Dominic? Instead of saying she showed clear annoyance, you can say 'she sighed in exasperation, her forehead creasing.'
Showing and not telling helps readers bond with characters and builds characters' identities.
Technically, there are a lot of grammar and punctuation mistakes and I hope I'll cover everything:
1- Pay attention to switches between present and past tense. Choose one tense and be consistent. When using didn't/did-don't/do/doesn't the verb following it should be in the basic form of the verb. Example: didn't want (not wanted or don't wanted) check chapter 4.
Same case with could/should/would. Also in chapter 4: could blow (not blew)
2- subject-verb agreement. Plural nouns don't take 's' with the verb/ they take are/were as verb to be
Singular nouns take 's' with the verb/is/was.
Example: the painful grunts from him WERE/ She took my hands and kissed THEM (not it)/ There WERE no tears left/ My neck and forehead WERE sweaty.
3- Prepositions and Articles: using the right preposition. Example: getting ON my nerves(not into)/ still IN her working clothes(not on)
Using the right articles: like THE same happy future/ like THE maniac I have become (the instead of a)
4- other mistakes: there not their/ lay not led/ paid not payed/ selling not solding/ midnight is one word and so is subconscious.
*NOTE* these are all examples from your story.
5- Capitalization: The pronoun 'I' is always capitalized. If you wanna capitalize a sentence, don't tag it with 'she screamed so loudly' because capitalization is enough. Future tip: don't capitalize a whole sentence unless it's very important.
6- Pay attention to repetition and using italic font a lot. There are also a lot of unnecessary words that can be ommited. And don't use abbreviations like 'u' and '&'
7- Punctuation: *there are lots of questions with missing question marks.
*Comma usage: try reading aloud to know where to add commas.
*? and ! aren't used together or MORE THAN ONCE
8- Dialogue punctuation, tags, and action beats: cases on how dialogues should be punctuated.
-If the sentence is a statement: "I made coffee," he said. (Note the comma and no capitalization)
-If the sentence is a question or exclamation. "Do you want coffee?" he asked. "Wow! You look so beautiful!" he commented.
- If the dialogue is followed by action beat: "I made coffee." He reached for two mugs from the cupboard (capitalization and point)
For more visit http://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
I know I've mentioned a lot, but don't be disheartened. Your story has a lot of potential, and you can make it more composed and beautiful if you pay attention to these points.
Don't give up and keep writing!

The Village of Adare

It's only the first chapter of the story, so I'll try my best to give it justice, and excuse me if I sound harsh.
You have a good plot for a fantasy story, where a 29-year-old lady called Melissa leaves her home to Adare village in Ireland for some reason (you didn't mention her terrible relationship fallout) maybe to have a peace of mind, stumbling upon a magic mirror that takes her to her past.
The plot is good and I'm intrigued by the story, wanting to know how did Melissa get to have two fates as two different people, how things were when she was Anaveah and before she left old Adare village, as well as her relationship with Jaspin.
But I don't see or feel anything. Your writing lacks description and you're narrating. You have lots of places to describe to your readers so that they would know what kind of place Anaveah lives in. Also, how does everybody look like? At first, Melissa was troubled for not knowing where to leave to, but I couldn't feel that. And when that mirror started shaking, won't she panic? Or is she used to it? Use more figurative speech and describe body language to deliver a rich image and feelings to readers. It helps them bond with your characters.
Technically, pay attention to the following:
1- Switches between present and past tense of some verbs
2- Comma usage. Try reading aloud to know where to put a comma.
3- Separation of dialogue of different characters on separate lines otherwise readers will be confused about who's talking
4- You use a lot of 'say' tags to tag your dialogues. Mix it with action beats (sentences that show actions) and other synonyms of say (whisper, murmur, yell, comment, state, etc...)
5- Punctuation of dialogues: check this link and I'm sure it'll help: https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
That's all!! It's a good start and the story has potential! Don't give up and keep writing!

When We All Fall Asleep

I've read the first two chapters available, and it's a good start for your story. The following review is my personal opinion about your story, and you're free to take it or leave it, as I'm not in position to tell you what to do.
You started by a note from Katie, then jumped to talking about Zoey and her family situation. I think it'd be better to switch these two pieces of information because the event about Katie later in Zoey's life, and these two pieces of info didn't feel connected with the way you narrated. However, it definitely stirred questions: Why does she have only 72 hours to find Katie's killer? What do mean by Katie falling asleep when she was 15? Do you mean she's in coma? What happened to her? Or you mean she was killed when she was fifteen? Personally, I'd like to know the series of events that led to Katie's murder and when the last time Zoey so her was. When you explained the 72-hour thing by a dream and said that Zoey would die after then, it felt unreasonable. I wonder if there's a fantasy element in the story.
Technically, pay attention to repetition, and to the issue of showing vs telling. You were narrating the story, and I couldn't bond well with Zoey. You could use body language and figures of speech to deliver to readers how she feels. Zoey has an interesting past and is about to embark on a journey that risks her life, and this all can be written more beautifully to give a vivid image.
It's only the first couple chapters, so don't give up and keep writing!!

Creative and Creepy

Aside from the detailed information provided about Claire's background and the little grammar and punctuation mistakes, I found Candyman an interesting, thrilling, and a scary read.
The idea by itself is downright creative, and when you mentioned Baby Anthony, I couldn't help but think the baby might have something to do with this.
Since you didn't start with something happening, and told us a lot about Claire, it took me sometime to get hooked. Personally, I prefer to know more about the main character through the story and not know everything in one go. However, Claire isn't an ordinary 16-year-old and the way you showed us her life was smooth so I couldn't just stop.
She's realistic and somewhat relatable to some readers.
I like how you gradually and slowly build tension, keeping your reader on the edge of their seat, and how scary it became. I could feel it with Claire who became delirious and paranoid in the end.
Technically, I bonded with the character just fine after getting to know more about her. You have a few grammar mistakes and some typos that could be easily fixed.
Candyman has a lot of potential for a horror story. I'm sure you'll fill it with more unexpected twists, creative and scary images, and nerve-wracking events!
Nice work!

The Scrupulous Gentleman

I don't know where to start, there are positive and negative comments I'm going to mention, so excuse me if I sound harsh.
Firstly, you must know and be sure that your story has potential, as the events are well planned and plotted and each of your characters is unique in their own way. The chapters are excruciatingly long, and you started the story by narrating about the usual life of Edmund. Usually, when starting a story, it's favorable for readers to start with something happening. Start with drama. Stir action. Raise questions. So, to me, your story started when Edmund bumped into Stella. That's when something changed in his life and he had to take the journey and help Stella. Starting with something happening at the very beginning of the story gets the readers hooked and keeps them looking for answers to their questions. Chapter one should be short and catchy.
Your characters are unique. There's Edmund, who seems rude and irresponsible at first, but is actually trying to help Stella, and trying to teach her about real life. Then there's Stella, the spoiled princess. I never got to understand her; she was jumping from one emotion to another in fractional seconds.
Technically, your writing style tells the story instead of showing it. You're always narrating events, being very detailed with characters' actions, which leaves no space for readers' imagination; and I couldn't feel anything as you kept telling. Showing vs telling is a major issue in writing. Describing emotions, body language, and using figurative speech helps with showing what's happening, and allows readers to bond better with the characters.
Pay attention to some switches from present to past tense, and pay attention to repetition of words, and even phrases and sentences that describe the same situation. You tend to use forms of sentences a lot like "X does something AS Y does another" and "X begins to do something..." And you use 'say' a lot. Using strong verbs helps replace weak adverbs. For example: instead of "Stella says irritated as she turns away from him" you can say "Stella snaps and looks away."
Pay attention to comma usage, try reading aloud to know where to put the comma.
Overall, the story is good, and has potential and I enjoyed it!
Nice work!

Die For Love

Firstly, excuse my long review because I tend to be thorough, and excuse me if I sound harsh.
You've started your story nicely by throwing Annie into trouble and creating tension and raising questions. At first, your introduction of characters and the way you gave information about them was smooth and clear, and the story was gliding smoothly, then everything felt rushed.
There were some unreasonable things. For example, why would Annie keep silent about the that fact that she's in danger and is being threatened by Thomas? Isn't that's how she's causing a family meltdown? She's not being brave if she keeps the thought to herself even if she wants the safety of her family. It is not a display of bravery or cowardice in this case. This is about her safety. When it's about your safety, you don't care who's going to believe you or not as long as they'll help you. Also, why did Annie leave Karie alone at night if she was scared for her family? Karie, the 9-year-old was thinking more like a grown-up.
I kept asking myself if this is a love story or not, because I didn't feel a display of love. All what I saw is Thomas the psychopath whom I didn't know how he fell for Annie, and an attraction between toddlers that suddenly grew to love over the passing years.
Annie's story and Katie's story could've been put in two different novels because they have absolutely nothing to do with each other, regardless of their mother-daughter relationship. You could've given Annie's story more space and added more events. Maybe you could've started with how Annie met Thomas in law school, how he was before becoming a psychopath, the incident that caused Thomas to be kicked out of law school, and how Annie met Donald and they fell in love.
Karie and John's story could also have more events, like how things changed for them when they separated when they were kids. There first meeting was after eight years, and they instantly fell in love? Hearts do change. Think of your characters' motives and let them rule their lives.
Another thing that wasn't realistic was that John was able to defeat Son Lee after training for twelve days only. What, did he pull an all-nighter and stay alive like that? Also, what attorney would make a fight that is aiming to kill someone as a legal fight? I didn't think it was romantic to be proposed to and get married at a boxing ring. Karie was so against the fight, and I don't know how she married a man covered in blood.
Despite all this, I liked your guts. Kudos to you that you were able to finish a novel, this is not an easy task. I noticed you have a good way of delivering heavy emotions and building tension, and the story has a smooth flow.
Technically, there's a lot to tell:
1- I don't know how everybody looks like. I don't know their features, their hobbies, what makes them realistic, and makes the reader relate to them.
2-Pay attention to repetition, this is a serious issue. You use the words 'thought' and 'suddenly' a lot. And you use the words 'feeling' and 'felt' a lot. As I said before, you know how to deliver emotions, but try to reduce the usage of the word 'feel' and other sensory words (hear, smell, see.) There are always stronger verbs to use. There is also another case of repetition where you repeat the same sentence but with different words. Take for example in chapter 18: "Tears kept running down the cheek of Karie as she sat opposite Victoria." This sentence here, tells us that Katie is seated across from Victoria and that she's crying. What about the sentence right after it? It says the same thing, right? Also, in chapter 7, you used the pronoun 'her' a lot that I got confused about whether Annie or Karie was talking.
3-Why do you use em-dashes (—) to finish your sentences? Are your characters cutting each other off all the time?
4-Pay attention to switches between past and present tense. Use one tense to narrate your story.
5-Word confusion: example: in chapter 11: met and not meant/ sit and not seat/ beckoned and not beacon. Chapter 6: dismissed and not demised.
6-Grammar mistakes include subject-verb agreement and possessive nouns: Annie's voice/ Thomas's over speed/ Adults' talk. There are always missing ('s)
7-Punctuation and usage of dialogue tags and action beats. Check this link, I'm sure it helps: https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags
Other things you should pay attention for (I know I'm nitpicky)
In chapter 1: When Annie checked her watch and it was 10:21 pm, you meant am, right? Because Karie's birthday was on 3pm.
In chapter 2 you mistook Annie for a guy, and in chapter 19 you mistook Son Lee for a girl.
Check if all your sentences are complete sentences.
I know I'm saying a lot and it's absolutely not my place to tell you what to do, but writing a novel isn't only about the story plot and the characters, technicality is also important if you want your readers to be relaxed while reading and to understand what's happening.
I enjoyed reading your story and you clearly have a lot in store. You have the talent and all you need to do is polish your story.
Nice work! Keep writing!

A Black Rose

Firstly, before I delve into my review, I want to mention that what I write are my honest thoughts, so excuse me if I sound harsh.
Something Domestic surprised for me, and left me questioning life. The story sheds light on the dark part of the world we're living in- the part that's almost always neglected, the one overflowing with danger- and discusses very delicate and sensitive matters. It's realistic, and I must mention that it's brave of you to discuss such issues. The beginning of the story wasn't very catchy, but I had to continue reading to know what's the deal with Charisse. The story is good, and the plot is good too, but I had this feeling that you were rushing.
At first, you were narrating Charisse's actions (what she does everyday and what she wear) and it felt as if you weren't yet used to your characters or you hadn't understood them well enough to write about their feelings in a way that readers would feel and get to bond with them. At first, I couldn't feel a thing, then I went mad and sad at the sametime. Mad when Charisse and Kendrick were moving fast with their relationship (until they realized so), and sad when I learned what happened to Charisse. It was a whole load of sadness and pain, and I'm sure you struggled while writing it, so kudos to you on that. The way you introduced your characters and solved each mystery was at first smooth and casual, and definitely shocking, but then things were happening abruptly and it was rushed. The story contains a lot of thrilling and scary and mysterious events, and it would've been beautiful if you've given the story more space to unfold because there were some stuff that were confusing. For instance, I kept wondering whether Maria knew that her daughter was attacked or not, and who knows about the selling deal, and why Charisse didn't tell her mother about the attack. For example, why mix the scene when Charisse was with the detective while her mother was being murdered together? it felt more like watching a movie than reading a story. Also, Joshua being in contact with Charisse's real father was totally covert and there wasn't a tiny hint that helped me realize it. And referring to Charisse as Marie Rose while she didn't yet learn her real name was confusing.
However, the way Charisse changed and gradually became stronger and stood up for herself and the way things turned out in the end were pretty shocking. It really proves that some people who are severely wounded end up with toxic minds that need a lot of care and love to be cured. Charisse ended up as a black rose. It would've been so lovely if there was some kind of counseling on how to deal with such situations.
Also, please add a trigger warning sensitive content right before all your chapters because some readers who'd stumble upon your story might have a similar experience and that would be traumatic. It's not enough to rate it as 18+
Technically, there're some missing words, typos, and some verbs switched to present tense while you're writing in past tense. I noticed you tend to narrate a lot using simple sentences and repeating the same sentences structure, while you can rephrase your sentences in a way that makes them reflect an image and capture the reader better. Also, in those paragraphs where you tell us what is Charisse going to wear, instead of saying She.... She... She... in simple sentences, use conjunctions to join your sentences together. Pay attention to repetition and usage of dialogue tags. When using said tags other than asked (whispered, yelled, muttered, mumbled, etc...) the dialogue should end with a comma and the pronoun should not be capitalized. Same case when you use 'asked' but the dialogue ends with ? Also question marks and exclamation marks do not exist together (it happened once) and by chapter 20 Charisse's eyes became hazel while they were blue.
Excuse me for being nitpicky! I enjoyed reading Something Domestic even though it was a sad story, but you gave it a very realistic ending, and not all writers can do that. Kudos to you on the effort you spent writing your story! Keep it up!

Interesting start!

Wow, what a start. You're doing a great job, and way to start Adeline's story with an event that flipped her life upside down. The first chapter is short, but it's kinda capturing and rich. The way you introduced Adeline and gave us information about her from the very first chapter was smooth and clear and it didn't feel forced or heavy at all. I love how things are unfolding and I smell trouble actually. Apparently, Adeline was a badass!!
Technically, your grammar is good, there are a few typos, one missing word, and you mistook Kristian for a girl at the end of chapter three. I advise you to reread your chapters and I'm sure you will easily locate the mistakes. Regarding punctuation, it seems you understand the rules of dialogue punctuation. When using 'I say' or 'I mumble' like in chapter two, the dialogue should end with a comma if it's a statement. Same with Silas. It should be "I'm sorry I don't know the dialogue," Silas says. It should also end with a comma. Keep your tense consistent, I noticed you switch from present to past tense.
That's all. It's a good start and I'm going to continue reading Adeline May!

Rose

I finally finished reading Rose, and I must tell you: you're doing a great job! Firstly, I think you have technical problems regarding your chapters because there are five chapters that are repeated in the end.
This review is for you to benefit from, and since I'm known for my thorough reviews, I hope I can cover all the issues.
I'm amazed by your ability to keep your readers engaged, how you hooked them from the prologue and the first chapter by throwing Rose in a pinch, and how you keep us asking questions and moving onto the next chapters to know more. You know how to build tension and suspense and keep adding up to the mystery of Rose's life. The events are planned, and it's intriguing enough. The world building is also good, and it's good how you feed your readers with information about your characters and the settings instead of dumping things all at once. There are a few things that confused me. I still don't know how Rose's money disappeared in chapter one. Also, you refer to Jennet as Rose's stepmother. A stepmother is the woman who marries the father of a child when their mother dies, so actually, Jennet is Rose's legal guardian and not her stepmother, right? Also, I sometimes got confused with genders like when you referred to Rose's teacher as she then as he (same case when Jennet appears in the latest chapters)
The characters are definitely intriguing, although Rose annoys me a little bit. She has that determination to do anything, but once she's faced with the first trouble, she easily surrenders. However, she did prove how brave she is in the latest chapters. Oh, and she's funny and crazy at the same time. Damien also confused me a bit, first he looks at Rose with what she describes as unshed tears, and then in the next chapter, he glares at her. Also, jumping from not trusting him to kissing him in chapter 12 was kinda abrupt and it felt like he took advantage of Rose. Their relationship is quite complicated. There are other things too, if you want I can mention them in the comments.
Technically, there's a lot to mention. Things you should pay attention for include repetition- ranging from repetition of words to repetition of sentence structures as well as character features. For example, in chapter 3 paragraphs 27 and 34 (it sounds freakish that I mentioned paragraph numbers, but I ended up giving your story a lot of thought) you use the same sentence structure which is periodic interruptive sentence (starts with dependent clause and ends with independent) I know it helps build tension and prepare for the big blow, but it also kinda sets the paragraph in monotone.
You tend to describe detailed actions of the characters which leaves no room for reader's imagination. Your descriptions are nice, but you tend to use the word 'feel' a lot while you can rephrase your sentences in a better way that conveys emotions by describing body language and using figures of speech. Try to decrease using the verb 'feel' and the sensory verbs like 'hear and see' Let us hear Rose's crazy pulse more!!! Also, with rephrasing and editing, you'll notice that you can convey thoughts with less number of words. Sometimes a verb is enough to show how the character is doing something, so using an adverb is not important.
Regarding punctuation and grammar: comma usage is very important as it changes the meaning of your sentences (check chapter 9) Pay attention to tense consistency; you switch from present to past tense in the same paragraph (check the last two paragraphs in chapter 3 for example. Note that there are many others) Pay attention to usage of prepositions, subject-verb agreement mistakes, as well as missing apostrophes (the title in chapter 10) and some typos here and there. Using Microsoft Editor for grammar check will help. Also, keep action beats with their respective dialogues on the same line otherwise the readers will be confused. Regarding dialogue punctuation, there are rules. Try this link and hope it'll help. https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags
I really enjoyed reading Rose to its latest chapters and can't wait to know whether Rose and Damien will survive or not. Excuse my long review and hope you all the best!

Torrents of Fate

Firstly, way to start with something happening; you've laid out a lot of drama and mystery through the first chapter; from Evie running away from her home to meeting the mystery wolf on her way, and creating this chemistry between them. I already started reading the story before you made the latest changes on it, and it was noticeable how Sam changed from being as formal as an escort to Evie, to being her best friend. So, nice job on that!
Your way of introducing characters is quite smooth, and I think putting the main character in trouble, stirring drama, and ruining Evie's plans all the time, keeps your readers at the edge of their seats and makes them bond with Evie.
You have a good cast, and each character has a different mindset and inner voice. Andrea is powerful and caring for Evie but I think he's rather possessive. Oscar has a wild intensity, and I like his annoying demeanor, but the brotherly atmosphere with his family is cozy; I like how loyal the Saxes are to their brother.
The chemistry between the three major characters (Evie, Andrea, Oscar) is intriguing. Since the story is not complete, and since Evie said she doesn't believe in fate, I feel that Oscar and Evie will end up together. I might be wrong, but Evie's interest in Oscar is as noticeable as her affection towards Andrea.
The story is amazing! I keep wanting to read more and I like how vividly you deliver Evie's emotions; it's like I'm right there with her. Although, I'm kinda disappointed that the story is incomplete which stirs a lot of questions: for starters, is Evie running away just because she wants to leave the Crowes and get her freedom? Why does she insist on running away if she's worried about Andrea? Why and how did she end up in the goddess' lair? Was it her mother who pushed her and why? Will her wolf awaken? What does Qhaphine want from her?
Lots of questions run in my mind and I don't get the answer for any.
Torrents of Fate is an intriguing and creative story with vivid images and solid composition of the settings and the dialogue. The cover is amazing by the way.
There's a mistake in chapter 3 which is: tussled her hair. Tussle means to fight, and this word should be replaced by 'tousled.' And another in chapter 10 "its pitch black eyes" instead of "it pitch black eyes" I don't know if you noted and fixed them before reading this review, but that's what I noted.
Great story, and an interesting plot that I wish was complete. Nice work! :)

My Mate in Elevator

It's a good story, and the characters are intriguing. Although I didn't like Henry and I think Ashley deserves better. The way you introduce your characters is quite confusing and sudden, and it's deep into the story that I knew who is who. I couldn't understand what happened at first, was it because of Henry's powers that the fire happened and the roof fell on Ashley? Also, if a roof falls on her, won't see die? Plus, did it rain because of Henry too? I must mention that the jokes are funny, but the love interest was more erotic than romantic which was disturbing. Also, what do Henry and Ashley look like?
Technically, there's a lot to mention, so I'll try to brief as much as I can. Try to reduce the usage of sensory verbs (hear, smell, see, taste, touch) and even the verb feel. Describing body language and using figures of speech makes your descriptions better and helps the reader connect with the character. Also, reduce the usage of the verb 'said' and try to replace it with a synonym or action beat (sentence that describes actions)
I noticed English isn't your first language, so I'll give you some tips and you can either use them, or leave them.
1- When you want to start writing, think of what tense you are writing in: is it past tense (did the events happen in the past?) or is it present tense (are the events happening in the current time?) and choose one. You tend to switch between past and present tenses, which is confusing
2- There are a lot of grammatical mistakes, and to help edit them, I advise you to use Microsoft Editor for spelling and grammar check if you are working on your laptop. Pay attention to word confusion, and there are a lot of missing quotations where I don’t know if there's a dialogue or whether you're narrating anymore.
3- Use the articles a/an and the in your sentences. The is used to refer to specific or particular nouns; a/an is used to modify non-specific or non-particular nouns. And pay attention to your sentence structure.
4- Use one point of view. Somewhere in chapter seven while Henry and Steve were joking together, you switched from 1st person (where the character is the narrator) to 3rd person (where the author is the narrator)
5- Regarding dialogues: keep the dialogues next to their corresponding tags and action beats, and try reading the dialogue aloud, and mentioning who is saying what, because almost all the time I don't who's in the scene and who's speaking. Regarding dialogue punctuation and dialogue tag usage, this link is
helpful: https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
It's a good story and you have the potential to make it better. Don't give up and keep writing!

WOW WOW WOW!

I don't know where to start! I just finished reading all the 19 chapters you've written so far, and I'm a jumble of nerves, wanting to read more.
What an amazing and smooth ride it was. First of all, way to start with something happening, stir questions, and change Astra's life forever. Everything and every event in the story seemed well-planned. You've smoothly introduced intriguing characters and I like the way you build mystery and keep your readers hooked and wanting more to read. Astra in an interesting character. At first, I couldn't understand her half-hearted reactions regarding the fact that her life changed from plain and normal to full throttle action in one day; but when I learned more about her- when Astra started discovering more about herself- I knew the reason for her reactions. The thought that she harbors the essence of emotions strikes me. All these emotions she started feeling, and even the chemistry between her and Beck (which was there without those electric charges) and the interactions with Ember too were delivered nicely, and the way you dropped hints about Beck being the human weapon whom Astra has to fight was also teasing.
Technically, try to reduce using 'I feel' and try rephrasing these sentences with 'I feel' in another way with will help the reader connect more to Astra and experience her emotions. Keep action beats next to dialogue of the same character otherwise things would get confusing. Don't add a comma outside the quotation and regarding the dialogue tag punctuation rules, I suggest checking these links because it'll help a lot. https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
https://self-publishingschool.com/dialogue-tags/
I hope this helps! I enjoyed reading Astra and I can't wait to know what'll happen next. I think she needs a miracle :)
Amazing job so far! Keep it up!

Cute and Loud!

What a funny and loud ride! I picture everybody in this story as 18-year-olds with very loud voices as they bicker and flow with the change occurring in their lives.
The nice thing about Destined to Meet is that it's funny, realistic, and the characters are relatable.
Amy struck me as a strong female lead who despite not loving everything about herself, she grew to appreciate and love every bit of her soul and body and she's always willing to change. I love that despite her clumsiness, she's trying her best to act mature and she's wise too. Although the bickering did give me a headache at some point.
When I started reading the story, I thought that the starting seen should be more of a show and not tell, but then I understood that it was the key of Amy's and Sebastian's rocking relationship and it'd be revealed later. Except, there are other bulky paragraphs that would've been written better by adding dialogue, and showing more emotions like that of Amy's and Grace's back story. Showing and not telling by using dialogue, emotions, and describing body language helps the readers bond better with the characters. Also, through the story, I understood that Amy is recalling things that happened a long time ago, so I think your note about that should go before all the chapters, and you should either use simple past tense or past participle. Don't switch between both. Detailing character's actions doesn't leave space for reader's imagination. At some point I got lost and felt there's a whole in the plot. As the story went on, Amy told Ash about Sebastian in her car on the way home from college day 1, then next day, you mention that Amy already told her friends about Sebastian during lunch on day 1, so I thought, did she tell Ash twice about it? Also, Sebastian had blue eyes when he first met Amy in college, and then he's got brown eyes. It's important to put aside some character sheets that hold all your info about your characters.
I loved the characters' development and the fact that each girl is matched to a guy.
Another thing I must point is the age rating which should be 16+ because pick-up lines, this weed smoking thing and the perverted jokes don't suit 13-year-old kids.
Technically, there's a lot to tell.
1- No capitalization in the middle of the sentence. If there are highlighted words, use italic.
2- Commas were completely not used in chapter one, and almost misused in the rest of the story. Try reading aloud to know where to pause. Also, exclamation marks and question marks aren't used more than once or together.
3- Verb confusion like taped .vs. tapped and blubber .vs. blabber.
4- Abbreviations like 'u' and '&'
5- Using a lot of said tags like replied, spoke etc... Use stronger verbs to replace weak adjectives and mix it with action beats.
6- Keep dialogue and their tags on the same line.
7- Dialogue tag usage and punctuation. Link: https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags
In general, it's a lovely story, and I enjoyed reading it. Can't wait to see how each relationship will bloom!! Keep writing and don't give up! :D

Lovely!

What an amazing and lovely and passionate ride it was, even though the chapters were excruciatingly long. Way to start with something happening by changing Amelia's life forever, robbing her from her favorite and darling Ebony, and putting her in a situation where she's forced to go with the flow.
I couldn't understand Amelia at first, because she wasn't expressing any emotion, and that definitely showed in your writing, but later I understood that Amelia doesn't understand emotions herself except she has loads of emotions inside her that needed to unfurl. I was upset with the fact that I couldn't feel anything with Amelia at first; I couldn't hear her inner thoughts or listen to her heart and feelings, and I kept wondering if hypnotic piano playing just stuns people due to its perfection or because of the amount of emotion that flows from it. What I actually wanted to hear is Amelia's voice if music. What does she sound like when she plays? Is she just robotic and hence doesn't stir emotions in someone, or does she have her own style? I preferred that Amelia and August would play renown pieces instead of their own compositions to know what music they like. Knowing more about your characters and making them interesting helps the readers bond with them. I wanted to see Amelia's pose while she played, and hear her heart beat as she slowly discovered her emotions for August, and that's why their first kiss and their physical intimacy was so sudden. It's a story brimming with emotions that I sometimes couldn't feel as you kept wavering between telling and showing. It felt as if you were slowly getting used to Amelia and trying living in her skin to understand her. There are a lot of scenes that could've been written and shown with dialogue instead of just narrating the story. Instead of using the verb feel, describe body actions.
Technically, there are only two spelling mistakes, but you should pay attention to dialogue punctuation and dialogue tags usage. Link: https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
https://self-publishingschool.com/dialogue-tags/
Also, keep actions beats and tags of the dialogue on the same line of the dialogue.
It's an amazing story, flooding with emotions and complex personalities, and I enjoyed reading it! Nice work!

That Gave Me the Chills!

What a ride, and I'm still waiting to know what'll happen to Maddy next!
Firstly, way to start with something happening because that's one way to hook your readers. I like that there's a moral from Soul Mate, that is to direct and instruct teenagers about the danger of getting introduced to someone online and trusting them with deep secrets.
The flow is smooth, and each twist makes you turn to the next page, and Maddy's character is intriguing. In my opinion, she's actually naive since she fell in the same trap that Sadie fell in, but she's also innocent, brave, and I like the fact that her friend's memory is so dear to her.
I did connect with Maddy as a protagonist, but it took me some time as you kept wavering between telling and showing. I wanted to know a lot of things starting from how Maddy looks like to what was on her mind when she was in Sadie's room and how did she quickly escape from Jamie's grip. At that moment, it felt as if her sense of danger was fleeting and I couldn't feel her anger. Here you're supposed to describe body actions and show more emotions. In some other scenes, you were doing that, which means you get the concept of showing and not telling. I thought maybe you needed some time to get used to Maddy and live in her skin to feel her.
Technically, there are some typos that can be easily fixed through editing. I noticed you use said tags a lot and even mix them with adverb, but instead, you can use a strong verb that can replace the weak adverb. For example, instead of "I say quietly" you can say "I mumble/ I mutter/ I whisper/ I utter" and instead of "he whispers dangerously" it can be "he hisses/ he growls" Also if you want to use capitals for yelling, don't say 'I shout at the top of my lungs' because I guarantee we can hear her screaming.
Question marks and exclamation marks aren't used together or more than once. It happened only once but I have to tell you about it.
Pay attention to switching between present and past tenses and keep monologue of the same person on one line. There's also dialogue punctuation and dialogue tags, to which I'll provide links: https://self-publishingschool.com/dialogue-tags
https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags
Soul Mate is great story with good potential and I enjoyed reading it so far. Can't wait to know what's going to happen next! The biggest mistery is why that guy wants to kill a teenage girl! Keep writing!! :D

Inspiring!

Now, I want to know how Heth will become fearsome and face her fears. I must say you're talented and you've made a great start in your writing career. It's inspiring how people your age can inspire others, and I'm sure kids in your age group would enjoy your story and learn a lot from it. The way you introduced Heth is really smooth, and I love how you start or interject in the chapter by talking about emotions or pointing out something about Heth as if you're telling the story like you've been there instead of telling it from Heth's POV. Heth is so relatable and realistic as a character in the way she reacts to things and in the way she interacts with her mother, and I can easily understand her because you deliver her emotions very clearly (although sometimes you get carried away) I think it's brave to discuss social anxiety and help kids your age tolerate and accept it and even try to face it, and I think the fantasy element in the story is to help dig deeper and show the heaviness of such a reality.
It's a great story with good morals, although it's kind of disappointing to not know the ending.
Technically, your writing is well-composed and I did bond with the character. There are a few grammar mistakes that can be easily edited, and there are punctuation mistakes. I assume you know the rules of dialogue tags and how to punctuate a dialogue. When it's a said tag (whispered, yelled, said, murmured etc...) the dialogue should end with a comma (if not a question mark or exclamation mark) and the pronoun should not be capitlalized. Like in chapter 2 when Heth yells: "....HOME!" she yelled. That;s how it should be. If the dialogue tag comes before the dialogue like in chapter 5, the dialogue should be capitalized: Heth turned to Rainey and asked, "Is there..." When it's an action beat (describing an action) the dialogue should end with a point like the case in chapter 2: "OH, CHILD." It cackled.
I think that's all. Fearsome Heth is an inspiring story for teens who lack self-confidence and suffer from social anxiety, it'll inspire them because it's written by an author their age!
I enjoyed reading your story, and I hope to read more of your works in the future! Nice work!

Blacked Out

Firstly, you know how thorough and honest I'm in my reviews, so excuse me if I sound harsh. You have the potential to do better, so take what I'm saying or leave it.
From the very beginning of the story, it was all about narrating, telling the readers about the daily life of Cloe and going through the actions that had nothing to do with the story plot. I told you before- when I reviewed Does It Feel- instead of keeping things normal, stir drama. The story didn't really start until chapters 4 or 5. I know nothing about Cloe, how does she look like, how do the people around her look like? You said she works for a company, what kind of work? How old is she anyway? If there are actions and bits here and there that you think they won't change the story line, then don't write them. The first thing you have to do after giving a brief intro about your main character is to change their life forever. The way you're narrating the story (telling instead of showing) makes me wonder if Cloe is a human being or not. When Teresa got shot, and there was blood everywhere, it all happened abruptly, without a tiny clue even in the head of the character, if the character doesn't even doubt things around her, how would the readers anticipate something bad to happen? Teresa got shot, and I didn't feel anything. You didn't SHOW us that Cloe was scared. Let us hear her beating heart. Let us see her shaking and yelling for help. Let us see her hyperventilating and being paranoid about her surroundings? If someone was shot in your house- God forbid- won't you go screaming and checking if your doors are bolted? If your windows are broken? Plus, logically, since Cloe is living with Teresa, she should call the police first thing instead of wiping blood off her floor, because that's an important evidence to be used in the investigation.
Things sounded flat, what I mean is, I couldn't bond with the main character, and I felt that things were happening and ending abruptly, thoughts were delivered halfway, and Cloe didn't seem to care about anyone.
Then there was Stephanie, who I hope you purposefully made as a stupid kidnapper. If you're not familiar with such cases, try to research and collect data before writing. Kidnappers don't keep phones and weapons and money on their victim, and if they're smart enough, they don't keep them in a place where there is food and they ask threat their parents and ask for a ransom. Also, when Cloe played dead or unconscious, why didn't Stephanie check her pulse and breathing to know she's alive?
I noticed you said that Cloe and people of her age (like Jennifer) are teenagers, while they aren't because teens are 14-17 years old, and Cloe works and drives so she's over 18, right?
There is no mystery in the story, because there are no clues, and even when Cloe would see bits and pieces of things that contributed to her case, she didn't seem to care or have the curiosity to know more. Also, how did Cloe's father die? Who killed him?
Writing a mystery story is not easy, I understand that, because the writer has to put down the plot and the twists and manage to feed them slowly and in a teasing manner to the reader to keep them hooked. I had no clue that Connor was behind everything that happened to Cloe because he didn't sound the least shady to me. Outline your story thoroughly if you want to shock your readers with the twist because planning allows you to provide foreshadowing that makes sense. Know your ending before planning out the rest of the story. Make sure your main character is really, really interesting (the reason mystery novels work well is because of the protagonist, not always just the mystery) Also, don't neglect your minor characters; you mentioned Hugo and Jennifer in the blurb, but Cloe doesn't make effort to reconcile with Jennifer and readers know nothing about their past; and Hugo doesn't even say two sentences to Cloe or engage with her. There are big bulky paragraphs in the story that could be beautifully turned into back stories that serve the main plot.
Technically, I've already mentioned the rules of dialogue tagging as well as punctuation. Pay attention to capitalization in the middle of the sentence, separate dialogue of different people, and sentence structure. There are incomplete sentences and repeated grammatical mistakes like "Me and her" in the subject instead of "She and I" Also,
you called Melanie as Melinda when you first introduced her(is that her nickname?) You tend to use was+verb-ing form of the verb which gives the story a passive voice, and you use a lot of "said' tags (he said, she said) It's always good to use strong adjectives and learn new words, but readers don't like to turn back to the dictionary every once in a while to know the meaning of a big word. There are words I don't even know there meaning! They want to read something that's simple and understandable, they wanna get the point without effort.
Again, the story has potential, and don't give up. Try planning before writing a story, it always helps!

Mia's Courage

Firstly, excuse me if I sound harsh, but I tend to be honest and thorough in my reviews. You can take what I'm gonna write or leave it; it's up to you.
Mia's Courage is a very good story and I have this feeling that it has a completion. The plot is good; at first when I started reading, I had no hint it's going to be a werewolf story. But your werewolf story is different. This is the first time I've read and finished a werewolf story where the protagonist gets a second-chance mate. The characters are good, but the interaction between them is weak. It's like you know what you want each character to do and how to react to something, but I feel it's abrupt and the emotions are conveyed halfway only. Mia is lovely as a sister, a daughter, a wife, and a mother. Although, she's so young to be a wife and a mother, and I think the way she dealt with Kyle's sexual harassment in an unrealistic way. I think traumatized individuals of her case would repel males for a long time. I felt the story with Kyle was incomplete and that she had to react to it or take revenge (maybe her pups will in a new story) The instant intimacy between Mia and Ace is also connected to this issue, if she's hurt because of Kyle, shouldn't she feel hesitant with Ace? But then again, the mate bond diminished the hesitation and increased the trust. I loved that we got other characters' POVs too. I wanted Mia herself to tell her friends about Ace and see them interact more and I wanted Lisa and Shay to tease Ace and give him a hard time, but later into the story, I learnt how good as friends the three of them are. Kai and Jay accepted all the changes in Mia's life like laser-fast. I loved the psychology of the story; the werewolf thing kinda resembled the human desires and the intimate emotions. It tells that when a human is in a state of pain, they can be unreasonable, aggressive, violent, and defensive.
Technically, the story needs a lot of work and editing. Here's a list of what you should pay attention to:
1- Dialogue punctuation (dialogue tags and action beats.) Link: https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
https://self-publishingschool.com/dialogue-tags/
2- Pay attention to punctuation. There're a lot of sentences that need commas and without these comes, readers can't pause at the right place. Also, question marks and exclamation marks aren't used together or more than once. It's either ? or !
3- Dialogue composition: the large bulky paragraphs are scary, and they're all dialogue. When a new character is speaking, start their dialogue on a new line. Putting the entire dialogue in one bulky paragraph is misleading and confusing. Readers won't know who's saying what.
4- Show and not tell: this is an important issue. You tend to use the verb 'feel' a lot, and that reverses the point of showing and not telling. Replacing this verb with emotions and figures of speech helps convey characters' emotions and strengthens the bonds between characters and readers. Link: https://self-publishingschool.com/show-dont-tell-writing
5- You have an apostrophe problem. There are tons of words that need apostrophes, especially the possessive nouns.
6- Pay attention to switches between past and present tenses, as well as name confusion. Some characters are confused with others in the story.
It's a good story, and I enjoyed reading it to the end! Can't wait to see how Ace and Mia's pups will avenge their mother. Keep up the good work! :D

Just Amazing!

I'm sure your story will turn out to be a piece of art. At first, I thought I couldn't sympathize with Alec because his backstory is vague, but as the story went on, a deep bond of understanding had formed. It's brave of you to discuss such heavy and sensitive material because people need more consult on this matter and they need a closer look on the victim's mind. When a child is neglected by their parents, and they face a problem (whether it was bullying or something else) they don't go back to their parents to seek help, and they instead try to help themselves. However, when they fail to help themselves, they get angry with themselves and the absence of an adult figure and guidance drives them into troubles. Love is an essential ingredient in the human's psychology and everyone needs loves regardless of the age. Alec's case is severe; he's 12 and this the beginning of a very sensitive age, and when an outside person looks at his case, they might say that whatever happened to him was his choice. I don't think he was conscious about it, that, and the fact that I despise his parents very much. A twelve-year-old is a kid, not a teenager, and neither he's an adult. What parents don't care or never notice how their child is behaving over the course of years? I love how Alec is trying to be better and is cooperating with Maria, and how Josiah is also helping him. Josiah's story is kinda sad too. Although, won't he hesitate in his first session with Maria? I mean, therapy's first sessions usually don't end witha beneficial outcome. Or maybe because he was desperate?
Technically, you tend to switch a lot between past and present tenses which confuses the reader.
The story is amazing, and it's kinda scary how you show reality with bluntness and without a filter.
Waiting for more!! :D

Wow!

I mean, seriously, WOW! I don't know where to start, but I must say I want to read more. Way to start with something happening and stir drama from the very beginning and way to get your readers hooked. Although the plot isn't clear yet, but the story has a thrilling vibe that left me at the edge of my seat. Your writing style is very good; you convey emotions in a way that makes the events realistic and you leave your readers with a lot of mystery to look forward to.
By the end of reading these two short, yet packed and well-composed chapters, I'm a jumble of nerves and I'm waiting for more!
Technically, there're two points:
1: Tiny grammar mistakes that can be easily detected through editing.
2: Punctuation of dialogue tags which you should pay attention to. For example, in chapter 1, paragraph 7: "...out of your mind." He answered. In this example, "answered" is a said tag, and the dialogue should be punctuated like this: "...out of your mind," he answered. Further on this matter, allow me to provide a link that will hopefully help you: https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
That's all! It's a great start and I can't wait to read more!! :D

Sweet & Crazy!

It's a story that has a different aspect of other typical romance stories. It's funny, and I love how you appear so relaxed while writing it. It starts in bizarre settings (quiz competition? How would someone crush on someone here?) and I really wanted to see more of the rivalry of Ashton and Dana's schools.
It was clear through the story how much you love Dana. She's smart, loud, energetic, and now somewhat stupidly and slowly falling in love with the adorable- she called him that- Ashton. Your characters are closer to real life as you're showing us a case of 15-year-olds and their first crush. They're stupid, they're cute, and they make mistakes.
It's cute, but building chemistry is slow and the chapters were getting painfully longer. Although, I'm eager to know what'll happen next because to be honest when I saw your characters, my first thought was: they look 17.
Technically, there's a lot to tell, so excuse me for the long review.
First thing I noticed is the punctuation problem. Commas and points should be added inside the dialogue, and not outside. And when a dialogue ends with a question or exclamation, you should never add a comma outside the quotation for example: "Did you have your coffee?", (this comma outside the quotation, should NEVER be there.) Secondly, question marks and exclamation marks aren't used together or more than once, which means ?! and !? and ?? and !! are not in punctuation rules. Also, writing in block letters is rarely used, so you can replace it with (she yelled on top of her lungs)
Use dashes for interjection, and ellipses are three dots only (...)
At some point through the story, you switched from past tense to present tense. Choose only one tense to write your story. There are also several mistakes of word confusion and some typos that can be easily fixed.
If you like, I can point out the mistakes in the comment section, although I might be late a bit to reach out.
You're story has great potential and I'm sure you have a lot for us in store! Can't wait to read more! Keep writing! :D

Intriguing Start!

Wow. Despite the fact that the chapters are short, you managed to get me hooked on this.
The plot is amazing, as I see Dani is struggling between following her dreams and desires, and taking care of her duties. The nice thing is that in the first chapter you lay a mystery and then finished with a cliffhanger that makes readers want to continue. Same for the other chapters. The story isn't too deep yet, but I can sense there's chemistry between Dani and Neowise, the story gave me calming vibes for some reason, and apparently there're some serious issues in the upcoming chapters.
It'd be nice if you go deeper and make a clearer picture of the story so the reader will have a deeper connection.
Technically, so you can flow easily in the next chapters, pay attention to phrases (there're two phrases in chapter 2) that are supposed to be part of the sentence because they don't exist alone. Also, punctuate the end of the dialogue (I wonder why you do with ellispes)
It's a fascinating story with vivid and capturing descriptions, and I'm sure you have a lot of fantasy and magic in store!
Nice start, keep writing!

The Modern Romeo and Juliet

Firstly, allow me congratulate you and thank God for giving you the power and the wit to produce such an amazing piece of art. It's art. What I've been reading for the past ten days was definitely art.
Excuse my long review, but I tend to be honest and thorough.
I honestly don't know where to start. The plot is amazing, creative, and first of it's kind (I've never read something like this before), and the way you dealt with each piece of the story is quite smart and funny. You know when to proceed through your story, when to give the reader a breather, and when to jam it with emotions that the reader feels overwhelmed as much as the character is.
Andromeda (I must say you have a knack in choosing names) is a complex character. She struggles with self-loathing and bullying due to the birthmark on her face, and she's satisfied with staying alone in her safe bubble without coming in contact with anyone, yet she's a talented writer, and a loving sister who came up with this idea to finish a life-long feud between her family and that of her sister's boyfriend, and this plan forced her out of her bubble. Nice job making your character uncomfortable with her own skin (it's a figure of speech.)
At first, when you showed how lovely Andy's family was and what a cozy atmosphere they make, I thought Andy was a strong female lead and has a good life, but it gradually turned out she was not. And this is good; the reality of her being weak is good; it's good to learn a bit more about the main character through each chapter instead of lumping everything you know about her in one go. This makes the reader eager to continue reading. Although, I'm a bit annoyed with the fact that I'm always not mentally prepared whenever Andy bursts into tears. The girl cries out of the blue and I always don't see it coming.
Unlike what you said in your final note about not trusting your characters enough, I felt quite the opposite while reading. It's like you gave the reins to your characters and let them carry on with their emotions and dialogue, although sometimes it got really witty (especially Andy and Dan) that I had to reread it, and other times it got really funny I laughed to my heart content.
Speak of the devil, I loved how you introduced Daniel T., and when he turned out to be a nerd I was so happy. It was funny watching Dan and Andy fall into rhythm and outsmart one another.
Controlling the pace of the story is a completely different issue. I felt how relaxed you seemed and it was comfortable the way you approached the essence of the plot and the backstory of the family feud. It was all in a slow and understandable and not a dragging manner. Seriously, NOT A DULL MOMENT. The nice thing is that there's a lot happening on Andy's side of the story that I wanted to continue reading from her POV (even if she wasn't the narrator, it was her story) and when reality downed on her and she had to direct the play, and when she first stood up for herself, there was Andromeda Sharpe at the beginning of a transformation process.
About Shakespeare and his play, you must love drama so much to be so engrossed in it. I've never thought of reading Shakespeare's plays but I understand the story of Romeo and Juliet. However, when I read it and learned about it from your POV, it amazed me how deep you delved into understanding every aspect of the play and choosing the right characters to play it. That, and the scene with Mrs. L was so creative. Actors and writers as well need to practice brain flexibility. The way you put each of your characters as a character from the play means you've created deviations and experienced different versions of the same characters. It's like creating new characters, and when you poured modern language into it, saying it's genius is understatement.
Of all the supporting characters, I loved Andy's Mom and Brian the most. The mother was so understanding, as she always made sure to get the point to her daughters without breaking them. Also, Brian's timing to come and rescue Andy was always the best, although I always wished it'd be Dan. But the story can't proceed without giving the couple a bit of trouble. There were several chapters I've read with a hollow pit in my stomach; I got too attached to Galaxy Girl that I felt every bit of her being throughout the story. How she struggled to make the play as perfect as she can make it, how hard it was to face Daniel with all the misunderstanding rising between them (even though she was dense about the fact that he was jealous) and how hard it was after her face-off with Sharon.
Which brings me to this; I feel that Sharon's backstory was quite abrupt. I understand that you had to patch things up between her and Andy, but when Andy apologized for slapping Sharon and the latter gave a satisfactory smile, I was ocked to find her crying and apologizing to Andy later. It would've been more realistic if Sharon was in almost-imperceptible shock instead of being satisfied with Andy's apology. Sharon was also living in a state of hatred that she had to blame someone for the things that happened to her.
But I like how things turned out at last; how Andy was finally able to forgive her rival, direct a genius version of Romeo and Juliet, and live the horrors of almost living such a tragedy due to her dad and Daniel's. Can I be proud of someone else's character? Because I'm proud of Andy.
About Mason Jar and Sweet Tea, I believe it's a nice add to the story, a sweet and smart short story, and another evidence that you're so good at juggling more than twenty characters in the same stage. The fact that some are based on real-life people is intriguing, this shows how much a writer can use from life instead of watching it move on through their window.
Technically, since I'm known for being a grammar police, there're few grammatic mistakes and punctuation mistakes. I've never read a novel (outside this platform) where exclamation points and question marks are used more than once or used together, although it's a pass in the case of Daniel and Andy's notes.
Again, excuse my rambling.
It's an amazing story, and amazing doesn't even begin to describe it. Honestly, you're a master of a marvelous stage, and I enjoyed reading your story and riding this roller coaster of emotions.
Your story deserves to be published and I hope one day to see it winking at me from my bookshelf.

Not a Dull Moment!

Seriously, where do you scifi people get your ideas from? Because this is brilliant, and I can't seem to be able to put it down. It intrigued me from the very beginning as the plot is creative and always prone to drama. I love the world you created in the story. Two worlds, completely different; one that sticks to the old ways and its own beliefs, and another that seems more than a century away, with its order and concept of power and dark and light matter. The nice thing is that you put these two units at close proximity, which will definitely stir action. That, and the concept of hierarchy in your world: the Protectors and the Guardians, the Remnants and Ostani, the Elites and the soldiers and the projects. Seriously, where do you get your ideas from?
The variation in the characters captivates the reader, and I have to tell you, as I'm reading with Vance, I couldn't help but feel his pain and sadness as he left his sister, his anxiety and insecurity as they kept using him, and his reasonable madness upon their inhumane treatment. Of all your characters, I love Dyaan the most because despite the fact that he's a soldier who's been trained to control his feelings, he has a big heart and turned out to be a big sortie. Also, I was amazed to see how much Brekla cares for him even though she showed no trace of emotion toward Vance.
It's a complicated system, and you're dealing with it pretty good.
Technically, you're doing a good job in delivering information about your characters, I like how you don't dump everything about them in one go and how you proceed with your story in a way that keeps the reader eager to continue reading. The chapters are of good length and they're the perfect combination of narrative, description, and dialogue.
The only grammar mistakes I found are ones that I believe are typos, but there're some punctuation errors. Question marks and exclamation marks are never used together in this manner (?! or !?) And they're not used together.
It's a genius project and I'm eager to know how things will turn out! Waiting for more! :D

Gwiyeobda!

I'm a big fan of k-drama, and I watch it constantly, and when your story is completed, it'll definitely make a cute love story! Although, as a reader and a fellow nitpicky writer, I find myself responsible to give you sone notes on the story.
First off all, the plot is really good, but I think it's better to make the entire story from Yoora's POV, instead of switching between her and the author. After all, it's Yoora's story, and it'd be nice to see all events from her POV. Like when you say Yoora is kind of a bookworm, instead of mentioning it as a note, let it slip as a thought from Jia (Jia thinks I'm not into music and concerts as much as she thinks. Well, I admit I'm a little bit of a bookworm etc...) or something like that. Trust that your character is able to deliver the story without a word from you. Also, what does Yoora look and Jia look like?
Regarding the flashback, I think it'd be engaging for the readers to read it first, because it'll raise questions that need to be answered. When readers have questions, they continue reading to get the answer. If I read the flashback as a chapter alone, I would be like: who is Yoora? Who is Jia? What do they look like? Why are they in a concert? Who's the guy Yoora bumped into? See what I mean? Such questions will make your readers continue reading.
Describe the setting, maybe a bit of the weather. The place around. The feelings of exhilaration while watching the concert. The nervousness as Yoora waits to meet her Mystery crush.
Of course, these are all ideas and you're free to take them into consideration or not. After all, you're the writer.
Technically, you have good vocabulary, but you have little problems in grammar and punctuation. I think you mean to write the story in past tense, but there are few verbs that slipped in present, there's word confusion, and subject-verb agreement mistakes. Those all can be pointed out through editing. There're also some sentences missing a word, I understand; when we're writing, thoughts run and some words slip away.
All in all, I'm sure you have more in store to make this the love story you aim for. You're doing a good job! Keep writing! Looking forward for more!

Intriguing!

If you think about a life were everyone is immortal, no one is sick, no one needs money or needs a job, and everyone has an eternity to get what they want, you'd think for instance that everyone should be happy and content with this life. All You Need is Immortality has a wondrous plot that makes the reader question if any of the things about eternity and absolute health are even possible. Leon, you created a whole world that does not exist in real life and is far from reach, making sure not to miss any detail.
When things fall into a routine, such a life becomes boring and annoying, and that's where Okinizeus- your choice of weird character names remind me of me- arrives. He's a different individual, he's curious, he wants to know more, he feels and lives in a universe of his own and stands out a lot between all these emotionless and poker faces. I love how you poured humanity into this character, and made him the one to cause drama throughout the story. I loved the creation of other characters too, except Yundoran and his weird attachment to Okinizeus.
Technically, your writing style is good, but in the first chapter I felt as if you've been forcing yourself to write, then I noticed how you relaxed into the environment of your story as I proceeded with reading. It's creative, but you should avoid the repetition of descriptions at some points, as well us the usage of synonyms in close proximity. You have some subject-verb agreement mistakes that can be fixed easily, and pay attention to the usage of commas because there are places where it shouldn't be used.
All in all, the story is intriguing and holds notions beyond the average human's brain. It's creative and I enjoyed reading it!
Keep writing! Looking forward for more!

Mentality.

First of all, excuse me if I sound harsh, but I tend to be thorough in my reviews in order to help. First, I think there's a problem in the story because I couldn't access but two chapters that were ordered four and five. I wonder if you're editing the rest of the chapters.
Anyway, regarding your plot, it's a good one, and it's brave of you to discuss such a topic. Mental health is an important topic and light should be shed more on it.
Through the prologue, I understood that the protagonist is having a hard time, and that she's looking for constant happiness and love, and in the first chapter when you introduced her to us, I wondered what kind of situation she's living in? How does she look like? Is she suffering from depression? or bulimia nervosa (because she had this little bickering with her mother about food, and because the medicine she uses is also used to treat bulimia) What happened that changed her life?
On the technical side, you need to deal with word confusion, use only one tense (either present or past), and pay attention to punctuation (there're places that need commas and don't use exclamation marks more than once)
Don't feel down; you're still in the early chapters of your story, but tackling these problems will help you for the best. Also, I realize I might not be giving your story justice because I've read only two chapters, but I'm looking forward for more.
Keep up the good work; you're doing much better than anyone who isn't trying, and don't feel shy to ask anything :)

Mommy's Lil Angel

I don't know where to start, but I've gotta say you did a great job in creating a story that is a mix of both horror and humor. It's rare to see both these aspects balanced in a story, and the way you shift from narrating old memories to narrating what's happening in the present time doesn't get the reader confused at all.
Although horror is not my favorite genre, I should be honest with you and say that the story got me hooked. It started in an entirely bizarre setting (who starts a story in an underground sewer?) and that generated a lot of questions and made me want to continue reading.
I felt sorry for Chris after reading his backstory and Julian freaked me out, it is a creative move to use the most adorable creatures on earth to be the villains.
The reason I put three stars for grammar and punctuation is because you have a small punctuation problem that can be solved by rereading your chapters before submitting.
I recommend your story for anyone who likes horror with a bit of humor and unexpected twists.
Nice work!!

Enchanting!

I didn't read the first book because this review is upon your request, but while I was reading The Final Note, I couldn't help thinking "I've gotta read the first book to know what happened!" because the system of the story, the heart of it, and the way you built it is all initiated in the first book, but I have this feeling that the notion of soulmates in the story will be broken because I could sense an existing chemistry between Ian and Sarina.
The story has a smooth flow, and the way you finished each chapter with a cliffhanger made me want to continue, but to make your chapters more appealing to the readers, avoid word and phrases repetition. For example in chapter 5: the reader knows that the dialogue is happening between Celine and Sarina, so there's no need to mention Celine's name in every bit of the dialogue. Also, pay attention to the punctuation and no need to use dialogue tags all the time, mix it up with action beat!
It's a good story, and I loved how I could sympathize with Sarina; it means that she's a strong and affecting female lead.
Good work, and looking forward to more chapters!!

Breaking and Mending Hearts

After reading your novel and finishing with your final note, I ended up smiling through my tears. Thank God for giving you the ability and the creativity to craft such a magical novel, and to take your readers on a ride aboard the grand Titanic.
This review is my thoughts and opinion about your novel- which are a lot- regarding everything, so excuse the length, for I tend to be thorough.
For me, the story started in chapter 2, when I learnt that Daniel had passed away and Sierra was mourning her loss. At first, the events were slow and I found myself wanting to get on-board and hear the events through Sierra's voice already. The way you wrote your letters varied between being able to pour events and show them colorfully to the point that I got entranced and forgot that it was a letter, and between narrating events where emotions could've been conveyed in a rich way with better phrasing of sentences. It felt as it took you some time to relax into writing, and that's why showing and not telling as well as dialogues appeared through the middle of a lot of chapters. Sometimes I thought that maybe the fact that Sierra is writing letters is what's limiting her to express her feelings, and it felt weird when she wrote about her night with Henri after the confession in the form of a letter to her father.
Your characters are amazing and intriguing!! Starting from our lady, Ms. Sierra Charmonte who had the curiousity of a kid, the determination and guts of a warrior, and an ocean of pure love for everybody in her life. I love that you gave her a background and showed us her past in Philippines, then showed how her memory is linked to her curiosity. You made her into a high-class lady who didn't care about classes, and that's how her interactions with her beloved Jane and Alec were so rich yet nonchalant.
As much as Sierra was confused about her feelings toward Henri and Alec, I was confused too. But with the additional chapters of Henri's memories- btw that guy is my favorite character- and their intimate interactions later into the story, it felt that Sierra's bond with Henri is much stronger and deeper than hers with Alec.
Jane was adorable, caring, and cherishing her best and only friend. Ms. Abram was very strict that I might pull my hair out if she was my mentor, but I understand her overprotective behavior toward Sierra. Alec sounded wicked at first and I felt he was hiding something ever since he showed up out of the blue. But, for him to be betrothed to Sierra, that was unexpected, and I must congratulate you 'cause you did a great job hiding it. See, when I learnt all that, my heart broke. Because Alec gave up on her even though he knew she's his destined person, and that meant to me that he loved her truly because he wanted Sierra to be happy with the person she chose.
Now, to Mr. Heartbreaker. Chapter 27 is my favorite because Henri broke my heart that instant. Sierra's and Henri's love was evident. Their pain. Their heartbreak. I felt every bit of it. When I learnt Sierra was betrothed, it broke my heart. Her happiness was bound to someone she doesn't know (well at that moment.)
I know, mixed emotions and everything.
I wonder if I'm making sense anymore. The flow of the story was so smooth and the idea of the Titanic was capturing that I couldn't put the story down. The way you described every nook and hall and deck of Titanic, and the way you built tension for the scene of wrecking the ship, it was all so magical. I declare myself a horrified passenger on the ship. That 'INK SPLATTERS' was the beginning of the heartbreak. BTW, nice phrasing.
Then there was that moment when Henri died, and I felt that Sierra's reaction was kind of delayed. That was a moment where you could've described Sierra's voice, the ache of her heart. Her screams that should've rattled through her being. I teared up a bit, but in this scene, you could've made readers cry.
By the time I reached chapter 46, I started begging for a happy ending because Sierra suffered a lot of pain, and I'm really glad she got it.
I loved your story, and there's a sentence that made
me think 'That's me!' Quoting you from chapter 44, "Once I love someone, I will tell and show them how much for in a blink of an eye, it can be gone."
It's evident how much effort- how much of your soul and heart you poured into crafting this piece. Yes, it's a piece of art where I could hear and feel most of it. I like how invested you were in the history of the past days, from technology to fashion to culture and even music. Your music taste is interesting, and the music you used wasn't just for musicians to play on the ship, but also to give a sound to the scenes you were writing. I said it before and I say it again, this ride was as elegant as Beethoven's sonata.
Technically, I mentioned before that it felt as if you took some time to relax into writing your characters and understanding them, and that's why your scenes ranged between telling and showing. There were times when you narrated and I truly wanted to feel something for the characters but I couldn't, and other times when emotions went high and I was content.
Lots of sentences could be phrased better which would give smoothness to the letters being written. One example is from chapter 3: "...but his eyes indicated a thousand words." 'Indicated' isn't a strong verb that conveys feelings. The issue in this case lies in using the verb 'feel' a lot, as well as sensory verbs like 'see' and 'hear.' Try to reduce the usage of the verb 'feel' because your sentences have emotional depth that could be shown beautifully.
Regarding tenses, I noticed that you switch a lot between past and present tenses- I'm not talking about the tense used in letters and that used for memories for example- it's about tenses within the same paragraph.
Pay attention to the punctuation of dialogues and their corresponding tags and action beats. I'll provide a link (excuse my tardiness) about the rules. https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags
Also, exclamation marks and questions marks aren't used together or more than once. And you switched from 3rd to 1st POV in chapter 45.
Overall, The Letters of Sierra Charmonte is an amazing ride, and I enjoyed reading every bit of it. I couldn't put it down, and I really hope it'll get published one day because whoever isn't reading it is missing a lot. Congratulations on finishing your piece of art, and I'm glad I had the chance to read it again and finish it!
You're amazing! Don't stop writing, who knows what that creative mind of yours will come up with!

Forgive Me! One True Time.

Before I start, I want you to excuse me if I sound harsh because I tend to be thorough and honest in my review in an intention to help you improve.
Firstly, the story plot is unique and I hope you have a lot of ideas in store to make it closer and fitting with the title. In general, you have no problem in composing the poems- which I must say are pretty good and do convey lots of emotions- and in composing the dialogue, but the problem lies in tagging the dialogue and delivering it. Don't use dialogue tags (said, urged, yelled etc..) in every bit of the dialogue when you can replace them with action beats, and I noticed you tend to use "X does something as they are doing something else" as a form of tagging the dialogue a lot which makes readers skim the chapter instead of reading it properly. Also, don't use the name of the character each time you're starting a new sentence. You can use subject and object pronouns to refer to them.
The basic paragraph structure needs to be worked on because there are some phrases that count as dependent clauses (which can't stand alone in a sentence) and hence making the paragraph incomprehensible.
Pay attention to the usage of the right prepositions and conjunctions to group the sentences together in a more coherent method, and don't use Italic for dialogues. Keep Italic for flashbacks and character's thoughts.
One last thing; before you start writing ask yourself this: Are we writing in the past or in the present? Don't use two different tenses in the same sentence. Also, are we writing in 1st person or in 3rd person?
The plot is really good but you need to work on your style and grammar to make it catchy for the readers. I really loved the poems, but I felt the poems and the rest of the story are written by two different people. I hope I was helpful, and for more helpful hints on editing and writing check HELPFUL HINTS FOR WRTITING AND EDITING SUCCESS by THEGREENSHOES.
Good luck, and don't stop writing! You're doing much better than anyone who isn't trying. :)

Spirit of Fire

Sincerely, I don't know to describe the way I'm fascinated by your story, it got me hooked from the very first chapter. I loved the plot, the uniqueness of the characters and how you manage to show their quirks in their personalities, and the vivid descriptions that made me feel like living in the world you created.
Some readers might find it boring that you ventured in describing the smallest details of the settings, but to me it felt nice how you never forgot any of the details and delivered them in an elegant and creative manner. It showed that Saffire's life was an array of colors. And then you moved from the safety of her house to the wilderness of the outside world. It's not the setting and the descriptions, but it's also the way I felt about Saffire. I could sense her momentary sadness, her fear of doing something she believes is bigger than her, her doubt, I could feel the weight of the events that tipped her life from peaceful to chaotic. It's like not only you've got magic in your story, but you've got magic running in your veins too.
It's captivating and it made me feel that you're immersed into the world you're creating.
Keep up the nice work! I wanna read more of your future stories.

Interesting!!

Seriously, I don't know where to begin. Your story is so interesting and it got me hooked on the first few paragraphs. It is really well composed, with the right amount of narration, description, and dialogue. The length of the chapters might be intimidating for some, but I found the story has a smooth flow that the reader won't feel bored at all. It amazes me how you're able to create different characters with totally distinct attitudes and personalities that are relatable and found in real life, and I liked Holden's attitude the most. I'd really want to see everyone interacting together. It isn't limited to the characters, but there's also the way you collected different aspects of life in a close frame. The issues you discuss are very serious too (betrayal, suicide, alcoholism) and of course the setting of the story is not created without delving deep into the culture, fashion, and music of that time.
It's really vivid and creative and I'd love to read more.
Good job so far! Keep going!

Meeting You

First of all, I want you to excuse me if you sense that I'm being harsh because I feel it's my job to deliver my review honestly and be thorough about each point to help you polish your story. And I want you to know that you're doing much better than anyone who isn't trying so don't give up.🌸
It is true that your story has a unique plot, but there are lots of holes that I'm gonna point out:
1- Regarding characters: How does our protagonist looks like? Through out the nine chapters you've written until now, you've never mentioned how Roy looks like or how old he is. I'd love to know more about the characters, their quirks, their hobbies, maybe their back stories. I want to know how November came back to life. If I was in Roy's place, I'd ask myself this. And I understand that Simon is a third wheel, but isn't he supposed to fight for his love for November? Giving the characters a wider background makes the story more intriguing.
2- Regarding the plot: it is unique and I've never heard of such an idea for a story before; which is good; but the story events are rushed. And there's weak chemistry between November and Roy. What I don't understand is: did November lose her memory or what happened with her? I think adding her part of the story will help the readers understand more about it.
3- Regarding grammar and punctuation: there are lots of mistakes; there are also some sentences without a verb, an object, or a subject, which makes the sentence incoherent. Also pay attention to punctuation, and the difference between |their| and |there|, and the usage of countable and uncountable nouns.
Again, remember that you're doing better than everyone who is not trying, and consider this a first draft to be revised. If you need help I'm up to it cause it's our job to support each other.
Don't give up and keep going!! 😉

Enchanting!!

To be honest with you, I haven't finished reading it yet but if I stay silent about this, I might burst out of joy.
Child of the Flowers, what a magical and captivating story!! And it's true that what a person writes tells a lot about their personality. You are a creative person with a vivid imagination and I'm really fascinated by your ability to create such a complex and colorful world. Starting from the constantly changing scenery which you never fail to deliver the image of, and ending with the characters who possess unique personalities, attitudes, and even back stories. It's the perfect amount of description, narration, and dialogue, and although the chapters are long, I feel immersed into the story and it's true that ommiting a apart or changing the outline of the chapter might ruin the flow of the story. I sympathize with Skye and especially love her determination and the care she holds for her friends although it's not yet clear to me what she's trying to do, and why does everyone hate her or feel intimidated by her. But I feel love is waiting for her just around the corner.
It's a creative story that fueled my creativity from the first chapter, and I always find myself making time to read from it.
Amazing job! Keep enchanting us with your magic!! ♡

Captivating!!

It's only six chapters, but I'm fuzzing with curiosity, and I could tell there's more to come. The plot is very unique and your writing style is very creative. There's a great deal of description for feelings and actions that you can feel yourself living the events with the characters (God, we've got a mean and troublesome angel to deal with and a very poor Alma who doesn't yet know what she'll come across)
The description is good but it's too much; it doesn't leave a chance for the reader to imagine how the characters are interacting.
But I'm fueled with curiosity. I wanna see Alma and Aries interacting more to reduce the amount of narration. I wanna know the mystery behind her ring, and I wanna know how things will turn out.
Great job so far!! I'm looking forward for more!! :)

Complexity

This is really so complex! Everything is downing on Olivia one after another without giving her a chance to breath, especially her relation to Colt and how terrible he treated her. About this exact point, I would recommend you add an alert of mature content to your synopsis because some readers might find it disturbing.
Regarding your writing style, you tend to describe the feelings and thoughts of your characters pretty well and I especially like Olivia's lovable interaction with her son, that and the way you write the same scene from the perspective of another character.
There's a little problem in punctuation that can be solved by reviewing the chapter before submitting. The problem concerns narration of the story. You see, try not to use "I" too much. Imagine this: the sentences in your paragraph are like short shots that aren't yet joined to make a full scene. Try using conjunctions and passive form instead of active to make up more coherent paragraphs.
Excuse me if I sound harsh 😅 but I make it my job to give an honest feedback and be as helpful as I can to my fellow writers.
Keep up the good work and hope to read more of your stories!!

This is gonna be fun!!

There isn't much to review, but I'm sure when there'll be more to read, my review will change depending on it. For the time being, you're doing a great job and I believe your story will be funny.
The texting names of the characters are funny and I could tell from only one chapter that there's a lot going on in their lives because through out texting you sowed us snippets of their lives. I'd love to see how the characters will evolve and interact with one another outside a texting platform, and how will they react regarding the stealing-Kate's-sock incident. Plus, there's the mysterious guy too.
What are you waiting for? Give it a go! Put a pencil to paper and let the thoughts flow!! Keep up the good work. I'm looking forward for more.

Ray of Sunshine

For a person who's native language isn't English, you are doing a good job not giving up, but since my job is to give an honest review, I'm gonna point out some things.
Firstly, while telling your story, you have to use one tense of verbs, either the present or the past. Do not mix the two tenses while you're telling events that are happening in one tense or time. There are also other complex tenses like past participle that you should pay attention to. There is verb and even word confusion for example in chapter 19, you mean to use *abandoned* instead of *abundant* to describe that the house has been left for a long time.
Secondly, pay attention to punctuation marks. Read what you've written before submitting and note where to add a coma (for a pause) and where to add a point (for a full stop) because otherwise the reader will be confused.
Thirdly, the flow of the story is very fast and the events are rushed, you gotta slow down and describe a bit about the characters feelings.
That's all I've gotta tell you. You're doing a much better job than anyone who isn't trying and I'm sure I'll return to your story once polished. If you need any help, don't feel shy of asking, we are here to support you. :)

Partners in Arson

Good job on writing your story so far! It makes me curious and it's easy to read (not only because of the short chapters that make a good reading mood) but because you clearly conveyed character's thoughts and feelings without making things complicated.
Add to all this, the flow of the story is the reason I couldn't put it down till I finished it.
I loved Ethan the most; his attitude is attractive. I like characters that start off as having a bad or suspicious behavior but turn out to be a big softie.
Regarding grammar and mistakes, you can revise your chapters before submitting and you'll be ready to go. Nice work and keep going!! :)

Wow!!

I don't know where to start exactly but you got me genuinely curious. You introduced the characters clearly and made us understand their thoughts and feelings vividly. The plot is unique and even though I still don't quite get what's happening but this is what mystery is about. Looking forward to more chapters! Keep the good work! :)

Very Nice!!

I seriously couldn't put it down before finishing the chapters you wrote. Your writing style is smooth and I like the flow of the story. I like to read stories with the feeling that you can't get enough of it and this is what I got when I was reading yours. The story plot isn't clear yet and I sense a bit of mystery. I would love to continue reading this! Nice work and looking forward for more! :)

Oh wow!!

Oh. My. God! First of all I read the second book before the first by mistake, but I liked both. It's quite an amazing sneak peak. Definitely makes me want to read more! You have a great story and a vivid imagination, and I want to read your story in the future. Nice work!!