I can see TONS of potential in this story - from the well-described backgrounds, to the steadily flowing plot. The only problem with me is the grammar; every dialogue must end with either a period or a comma, no matter if it is "Hi," he says, or a plain and simple "Hi." It confused me a bit throughout the story, and I wish that aspect would've been nurtured more.
Read the story now
Onto the plot and writing style - it is very well drawn out, and while it uses much sensory, it doesn't place complex words five times a sentence, making it both easy to understand and pretty vivid. One thing I really liked was that it didn't seem as if you were trying to insert a thousand complex dictionary synonyms at every corner, which is definitely a good thing. Too many new authors try to beef up their manuscript with odd words that nobody knows, and while it might make you sound smart, if the plot isn't up to key with that, the whole thing fails tremendously.
So, basically, all you have to do with this story is run it through spell check a few times to make sure everything is clean - then you're golden!