lewiscostley

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dead or alive

I finished the first three chapters, and here's my take so far. The book well written and flows right along. Jones goes through all the trouble in his dreams to get through the door, but is stopped and told he needs a password. He thinks he figures it out, but when he get to the door again, the doorman asks him a few question about date of birth and health issues and the password, and then he's through. We don't get to hear him say the password. He takes the elusive element 55.738AB while his body is in the morgue and then wakes up in the nick of time to scare the hell out of the doctor. I liked that part, as well as when they came to pick him up, and he had to watch then zip him in the body bag. There were a few lines of dialogue from 2 different people that are placed together in the same paragraph, I believe that they should be separated into their own separate paragraphs. I believe that the hook up between Jon and sandy might have been a little to fast, and then with her friend flashing in the car, but that's just me. I like the idea of the element making him young again, and being applied only in his dreams suggest a touch of the supernatural, or maybe time travel from the future. And then there was the consequence from revealing the knowledge of the element to his attorney and then having to lose a year for it.

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The fire seal

The over all writing style is very fluid, making the story flow. There are a few misplaced, or missing words, but they appear to be just an over sight and were probably missed during a proofread. The idea about being able to make multiple clones of your self seems a bit odd, but i'm sure that they will play a specific role later in the story. There are 2 types of magic, Elemental and non elemental, which deals with physical objects. How about elemental magic and physical magic? I think it flows a little better. The 4 brothers create the schools of magic after defeating a dragon, but that part of the story does not describe the 4 brothers as being wizards, or magical in nature, so why would they want to create schools for wizarding students? I can only guess that the 4 brothers were in deed wizards, and if so i think that that portion the story needs to be expanded. I like the idea of the Extended. They're an interesting twist, but I'm afraid if you made them too powerful, especially if there are a number of them. They seem as if they would be unstoppable, which might make it hard to write a convincing way to defeat them later in the story. Chapter 3 is already attached to chapter 2. Dialla has one crazy adventure ahead of her, but try to distance it from Harry potter the best you can. I can tell that you are a fan, as am I, by the references, but i'm not wanting to be constantly reminded of another book, or comparing to another story, while reading yours.

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Hleo

Review of Hleo by Rebecca Weller:

Things I liked about the book. It was very well written. I’m new to Inkitt but have browsed a few titles, and found that that just because you’ve written a book doesn’t mean you’re an author. Rebecca Weller has talent when it comes to this. I liked the premise of the Hleo, and the idea of being protectors of destiny. Throw in the Bana and you have a we have a well suited good and evil conflict.

Now, the things I didn’t like, and Rebecca please remember that this is just my opinion, which doesn’t really mean a whole lot in the grand scheme of things, but if I have to be honest I’m going to be. We cannot improve as writers if everyone tells you want you want to hear. And I hope that you are as honest with my book, as I am being with yours.

First, your story structure needs work. There are the few hints of things happening in the beginning of the story, the crossbow bolt and street lamp, and the car accident, the search for Hannah’s biological parents, but that’s it. To me the story doesn’t actually start until chapter 17. That’s a lot of work for a reader to put in, with nothing to really so for it. I’ve never been a fan of the 1st person prospective when it comes to writing. Makes it very hard to introduce other characters, and add sub plots. We don’t even meet the antagonist, Adam until chapter 19. We don’t even find out what the meaning of your title is until chapter 17.

Once the Bana find out that Hanna is alive, and after the attack in the gym, the whole story dynamic should have changed. Things should have really ramped up and gotten kicked into high gear, but yet they don’t. Hannah still goes to school, and work, and then on a date. All this after some had just tried to kill her and she learns that there is a secret society protecting those destine to change the future. And then it takes over a week before the Bana even try to kill her again. Do they really want her dead, simply because she exists? You would think that if she is the daughter of a Hleo and Bana forbidding relationship, that once the Bana find her that they would be stopping for nothing to eliminate her.

I feel that you have a good foundation and the talent needed to write an outstanding book. Hope you’re not too mad at me, and hope this helps.

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