Mark DeCastro

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I really enjoy this

If I'm honest I am only a few chapters in, I will be adding this to my reading list to continue later, but I believe I have enough for a review. I disagree with some of your other reviews: THIS PLOT IS NOT DONE TO DEATH! At least not in my opinion. Your words are beautifully crafted and easy to visualize. One area that I do happen to agree with is that you tend to tell more than show. For instance "she made her way into the kitchen to make a nice cup of tea. Her mother whom she called Ama was at work." This is telling the reader what is happening. An easy rememdy could be to write as such: Ash blearlily walked into the kitchen, her mind buzzed non-stop, a consequence of embarrassment, as she made herself a cup of calming tea. I am not the writer of this story nor am I trying to impose my own style onto yours, I am just trying to explain my critique of show don't tell (it is a golden rule). As for the latter section " Her mother whom she called Ama was at work" don't feel the need to name all of your charcters the second they appear on the page, allow them to come naturally. Maybe a note from her mom is found on the table "Will be home late from work, love Ama." Overall I have enjoyed what I have read. You have a great base story but you would do well to expand and refine areas. I will be checking back frequently to see your progress, amazing potentional!

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That was a rollercoaster!

I really liked your book! Your style is very readable my sole critique would be the grammar in some places. Although the use of commas in a series is correct technically speaking, it might be fluid if you broke up some of those longer sentences into a few shorter ones. That is just from a stylistic point of view, neither is wrong and to each his own. It was a great read and reminded me of the San Junipero episode of Black Mirror haha.

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An inspired story.

I am very pleased with your work, you possess a very distinct voice. Your descriptions allow for the perfect leisure read, that being said the first few paragraphs felt just a tad over written. You have so many glorious details but less can be more, their is a great quote about this in Stephen King's On Writing. If you google his quote about a red table clothe and a rabbit it should come up. Other than this tiny critique the story was written with a delicateness and grace that gave a fresh twist to familiar territory. I can't wait to read any future stories from you! Great Job.

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WOW!

Hi! I truly loved this. The imagery was so well executed I not only could see what you were writing but I felt as if I could experience the scenery for myself. For future revisions, I would consider changing some of your word choices. The reason for this is because you have such a high level of vocabulary that the meaning of your work may get lost on the common reader. It all depends on who your target audience is. If you want a mass-market appeal you should revise it with more commonly known words. With that said, if your audience is scholars/writers/poetry enthusiasts don't change anything! I thoroughly enjoyed your piece and hope to read more from you!
Best,
Mark

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Wowowowow

First of all the title is brilliant! I can totally see it on the spine of a book in Barnes and Nobles. The story was so modern, like a conglomerate of the best selling books in the YA market but spun with so much originality that it cannot be compared to anything else. From a personal standpoint, I think less can be more when it comes to adjectives and in the first chapter a lot is revealed about characters through dialogue and not through action, the ol' show don't tell. Besides those two MINOR notes it was a well written and very enjoyable story!

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