Overall Rating
Writing Style
Grammar & Punctuation

Tense matters

I like the premise of the story and I like that you are writing from the first person perspective. The one thing that I would caution you on is to make sure you are staying in the same tense. Is the narrator telling the story as it is happening (present tense) or are they retelling a story from their past (past tense)? You seem to jump back and forth so the story becomes a little hard to follow at times.

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