Nana

But you actually need a story in order to write one. You need peaks and valleys, crescendos and decrescendos, and things that wreck you and put you back together. -Everyone We've Been Yogi/Psychic ≧﹏≦

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Interesting!!

I don't know where to start from, but I must say you're talented and you're doing a good job in putting your talent in the right places.
The way you started things by laying out the map of your world through writing and telling us about the history of your world was a great start. Things were laid out clearly and smoothly, and it didn't feel like you're talking history. Also, way to start with something happening and stir drama from the very start of the story. The descriptions are vivid, the emotions of our nameless protagonist are well-delivered, and the story is the right amount of narration, description, and dialogue. Also, I could feel the chemistry brewing between our protagonist and Black Mantle! Keep up this pace in story building and you're very good. However, name your female and male protagonist soon; I had my characters nameless for the first seven chapters of my first story, and that pissed off my readers (not that I'm pissed off) you're doing a good job.
Technically, your writing style is good as you tend to show us what's happening rather than telling. However, the problem concerns grammar and punctuation; I'm not a native English speaker, but I grew up with English, so I'll point out some issues you need to pay attention to (If you like, I can post the mistakes in each chapter in the comment section):
Pay attention to dialogue punctuation, I think you understand this one, but you don't apply it in all cases. When the dialogue ends with a ? or ! you tend to write the tag correctly without capitalizing it, however, when it's not a question or an exclamation, you correctly write the tag, but you don't punctuate the dialogue. For example: in the prologue in paragraph 24 you write: "There's no food left" he muttered. In this case, you should punctuate the dialogue and the sentence should be "There's no food left," he muttered. Notice that this is a said tag so the dialogue ends with a comma.
There are switches between past and present tenses, and subject-verb agreement mistakes.
The Guardians of the Mountains is an amazing story, and I'm enjoying reading it! Keep it up! Looking forward for more!! ;D

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Wow!!!!

Nightshade is really just WOW! I don't know where to begin from, but I must say you're doing an amazing job. First of all, way to start with something happening even if it happened thousands of years ago. You've got a creative system for your world (I don't know how fantasy and scifi writers manage to create that or where you get your ideas from) from the Gods they worship, to the cities, and ending with the currency they use.
The characters are unique, each with a different mindset and an alluring backstory. It was surprising that Odina ended up on Nightshade and that Aine has a son. I love Aine, and I can't help but strongly bond with her as you've conveyed her emotions really well. Also, I wanna know how she's related to Syl'nyy.
The story is the right amount of description, narration, and dialogue, and you've nailed switching between characters smoothly without disturbing the readers.
There are surprises and mysteries in each chapter, and I'm on the edge of my seat to know more!
Technically, there're little problems that can be solved. There are missing words, and word confusion mistakes that can be fixed through editing. What's with the word HEL? it should be HELL. HEL is the Norse goddess of the dead and the queen of the underworld, so I'm sure you mean "What the HELL!" Regarding the dialogue, remember to start on a new line when it's a new character, whether the character is saying something, or doing something. Also, pay attention to punctuation of dialogue tags. I think these links will help: https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
https://self-publishingschool.com/dialogue-tags/
Amazing story! Don't give up and keep writing! :D

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Loads of Mystery!

It's only the first three chapters of the story, but you did a great job by getting me hooked. I love it! It's wondrous, creative, well-composed, and the perfect amount of narration, description, and dialogue. The way you introduce your characters in the most bizarre settings, the twists you put in their ways, and the world of the story are so well-done. I mean, a fantasy story might focus on one thing, but yours gives a broader image. You created a fantasy world with precise details, merged it with telepathy, time-travelling, and parallel worlds, and added a mysterious plot and BAM! look what you've got! Also, the way you weave between these parts of your world is so smooth. I believe it's those who write fantasy and scifi who are creative. I mean, I write romance, and I don't think I'll ever think of such a world, not even in my dreams. It's really intriguing and I can't wait to know what happened to Bessa, and the secret of Alam's father.
Technically, everything looks perfect, but there're few grammatic mistakes that can be easily spotted. I can spot them for you if you like. Also, I have a question: please explain the grammar of as+ verb-ing. I saw some examples with the verb perceive, but I don't understand using it.!
Everything seems awesome, and you're doing a great job! Looking forward for more! :D

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Meeting Me in Between

Firstly, I want you to excuse me if I sound harsh, but I tend to be thorough and honest in my reviews.
I know your story means a lot to you, and that's why I'm sure you're work harder to fix some issues regarding it.
The story plot is really good, and I really wanted to know what happened to Evelyn's and Rico's sister, and how things will turn out between Evelyn and Andres, but I stopped reading halfway because I was totally confused by several things. Through the dialogue, you'd mention Evelyn looking over the person who's talking to her, but you don't mention who's talking, especially when it's someone other than her brother. And when Andres met Evelyn I was like, why would Evelyn get out of bed after a nightmare (BTW I thought she was just annoyed with the noise and that's why she woke up) and instantly go out in the dark and talk to a stranger? Also, when Andres met her at school, did he lift her off her feet? What happened? I got totally confused. I know you want to build chemistry between them, and I understand that Evelyn is eager for a relationship, but you're rushing with building the chemistry.
I understand that you want to show us what's happening instead of telling, but I can't see you getting there. You can "SHOW AND NOT TELL" by using stronger verbs, describing body language and the HOW of each sense in order to convey emotions. You want your reader to feel the character's emotions so they can have a deeper connection with the story.
Technically, there're lots of subject-verb agreement problems and word confusion as well as punctuation errors. You use ellipses a lot where I think it's supposed to be replaced by a comma, and you tend to finish your dialogue with a comma, without a tag, and cram them together.
Start the sentence said by a new person on a new line, and if you don't wanna tag it, then finish it with a point or a question mark depending on whether it's a statement or a question. If it's ended with an action beat, then use a strong verb to replace the weak and multiple adverbs.
It's a story with a good potential if you're willing to fix it. Don't get discouraged, you're doing much better than anyone who isn't trying! When you fix it, I'll make sure to change my review. Keep writing! :)

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Interesting!

I don't know where to start from, but I'm really enjoying your story and I got hooked from the first chapter. The moment the Crown Prince Veran opened his mouth to speak, I instantly had the thought that this boy will jump off a wall at a certain time in the story. It surprised me when I learned that Cirthe is a girl, and she's the knight and the childhood friend protecting Veran. I love their chemistry; how Veran keeps holding back when he's close to her, and how Cirthe looks dense and stoic at first, but then the reader learns she reciprocates Veran's feeling, and tries her best to separate between her personal feelings and her duties. Veran is desperate and cute, he reminded me of a manga I read called "Snow White with Red Hair."
Technically, there's a lot to mention, and I tend to be thorough, so excuse me if I sound harsh.
First of all, you rarely use the "said" tag in your dialogue, but when you use it, you have to pay attention to punctuation and capitalization. When you say *he or she said/whispered/replied* end the dialogue with a comma and don't capitalize the pronoun. same thing when it's a question or exclamation.
I noticed that you tend to use was -ing verbs a lot, which gives the story a passive voice. These verbs are weak and could easily be replaced with stronger verbs.
There were also bulky paragraphs where it's better to show and not tell the reader what's happening. Like the part where Veran's mother teaches him how hard life it is, I think it's better if you transform it to a dialogue. Show us how gentle his mother is, make us feel and hear her voice. Describe her. Describe how Cirthe and Veran look like, how old are they.
It's a beautiful story, and it has a great potential if some editing is done. Can't wait to see how things will tuen out between the Crown Prince and his loyal knight!

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Toe-curling Sweet!

I'm gonna be totally honest and thorough with you, so excuse me if I sound harsh.
Your story is good. It's sweet, it has a good flow and a unique love story plot that makes the reader eager to continue reading. Serenity is a strong female lead- which is the first thing I liked about the story- despite her disability. It's brave of you to discuss such a delicate manner and show that even people with disabilities live a normal life and fall in love. I love her strength, her boldness, and the way she's always direct and relaxed with Gary. The chemistry between them is quite intriguing. I like Gary too; although I was kinda mad when he gave Chanti the 1000$ tip, but he turned out to be the gentleman that every girl dreams off. I must tell you that this feels too perfect, and I suggest you stir a bit of drama and action in their relationship. I like that there aren't mature scenes because that would be disturbing.
Technically, you don't have serious grammatical mistakes (I believe these are typos) but there are missing commas and quotations and that could be easily fixed through editing. And there's this one time where you used but and yet together (but yet) But and Yet aren't used together, that is redundancy.
There are some things that confused me:
First, are Gary's eyes hazel or grey-blue? In chapter 1 you said "An attractive man with hazel orbs. Gary." And later you said, "Gary's greyish-blue eyes." And here I got lost. Then you said they're chestnut.
Also, at the end of chapter 2, I got confused because it felt like he asked the question and replied too. Something felt off.
The problem lies in the style of writing. We writers love our stories a lot, and pour all the thoughts we have into paper, which is good. Very good. But this way, the story won't be flexible. It's good that you don't lump everything about the character in one go, but you also tend to describe the actions of the characters bit by bit, which doesn't leave space for the reader to imagine their reactions or gestures.
Pay attention to repetition; you always tend to mention Gary's name when he's speaking; and don't use synonyms in close proximity. There are bunches of phrases that can be replaced with one word only, making the sentences more composed. Composition of sentences isn't about the number of words, it's about delivering the idea to the reader with a sense of ease.
I like how you rarely use said tags (said, whispered, replied, asked etc...) but when you use them, pay attention to punctuation because there are rules for punctuation when using action beats or said tags. Also punctuation mark and exclamation mark are not used together.
The story is really sweet and good, and by fixing the redundancy problem, you give the reader a sense of ease while reading. I know your story is precious to you, and that's why I'm sure you'll work on it to make it better.
It's lovely, and I'm eager for a taste of drama. Nice work!

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Interesting!

First things first, I want you to excuse me if I sound harsh, but I tend to give a thorough review in order to get my point to the writer.
The story is really good, and the plot is interesting, and I assume you have a second book for this otherwise it would be left on a cliffhanger and their would be holes in the plot.
I loved the interaction between the twins (as I've wrote a twins' story before) and I'd like to see if they resemble each other more and how they interact with their family members. Your story raises a lot of questions: how come none of their current family members told them about their parents. And who are these black-cloak people who took their parents away in Emily's dream? I'd love to see more of the twins' lives. How they interact with the outside world, if they have friends or not. I'd love to see their quirks.
You have a good plot, and the story has potential but it needs more work. Try not to rush things. Add a sense of mystery or drama.
Technically, I could tell you're narrating in past tense, but you missed some verbs in present. Pay attention to punctuation: there're unnecessary commas added, and no commas exist between two quotations. Also, there's no need to add the said tag after each dialogue. Mix it up with action beats, and avoid repetition.
It's a good story, and I hope it gets a second book!

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Amina

Firstly, I want you to excuse me if I sound harsh, but I tend to be thorough and honest in my reviews in order to help the writer. Since it's only the first couple chapters, I don't think it will do it justice, but your story has a lot of issues to work on.
I don't know if it's a problem with the manuscript, but your dialogue is mixed up. When a character says something, the sentence they say should be written between quotations and not outside them. Also, if the dialogue tag is "said" then the sentence should end with a comma- if it's not a question- and the pronoun after the quotations should never be capitalized. Also, always end your questions with question mark. Question marks and exclamation marks should never be used together or more than once.
The description is good as you don't tend to ramble on, but the dialogue is misleading. Use only one tense; the past or the present when narrating your story. And use one point of view (third or first) Also, I don't see how the story is connected to the plot yet.
Don't feel down, I'm saying all this to help you improve. Your story has potential when you pour more effort to it.
Remember, you're doing much better than anyone who is not trying. Keep going!!

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Shadows of the Past

Before everything, excuse me if I sound harsh because I tend to be thorough and honest in my reviews. Since it's only the first chapter, I don't think reviewing the story right away will do it justice.
Firstly, the plot is amazing, and I like how all the events through the day finally got Layla to come across the person who's the reason of her dreams. I love the character's description, but I think it's too much. I don't know if it's your purpose to let the readers take a good look upon your story from the very first chapter, but I think telling everything about a character in one go is a heavy matter. I think the character's description and traits and anything you mentioned about them can be regularly mentioned through out the story. The only thing I felt uncomfortable about is mentioning religion. It's not preferable to talk about it. The plot is intriguing and I can't wait to know more about this mystery man.
Technically, the body paragraphs are too long. You tend to mash the dialogues of more than one character together in the same paragraph, while the right thing to do is to separate them on individual lines. Don't write the dialogue in italic, andwhen tagging the dialogue, start with the character's name instead of the tag.
There's small grammar mistakes that I believe can be fixed easily, and- as a future tip- don't use ? and ! together or twice, which means no ?? or !! or ?!
It's definitely going to be an intriguing read, so keep writing and don't give up!!

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And if You Wrong Us

When I first started reading the story, I stopped at the 3rd verse of the first poem and smiled, "What is that?" I though aloud. Composing poems is not as easy as composing a dialogue, and I must say you've done a great job writing these poems one: because they're easy to understand and convey emotions at the same time, and two: because they very much fit the event occurring in each chapter.
It is clear that you've put lots of effort into building the story; from the opening scene that displayed the cozy atmosphere of the Raven family, to the unexpected turn of events and the introduction of new characters that would shake the life of the protagonist and change it. Chemistry was built between the sly and unreasonable young Sarah, and Cirius who is committed to his family. Although, the latter's reactions are more like a teen than that of an adult. And the ending was the most unexpected.
I loved the variation of characters and how you never seized to pour emotions into your characters.
On a technical level, the length of chapters was overwhelmingly long, and I noticed you've crammed a lot of events into each which could be divided into more relaxing chapters. As you tend to description, don't use synonyms in close proximity and don't overwrite character actions; this helps keep space for readers' imagination. There're few grammar mistakes and word confusion, but it can be easily tracked.
Great job! I really enjoyed reading your story and I believe it deserves more attention. Keep writing, looking forward to read more of your work!

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Dainty and Lucid!

Honestly, I'll make myself a cup of tea when the next chapter comes up, and I must point out; nice move when you reviewed your story, it means that you're encouraging yourself and being serious about your project.
About your story, I have a deep feeling that it'll have a wild turn of events since Beth appeared to me as a rebellious young lady from the early paragraphs in the first chapters, and I like her refreshingly blunt personality.
The plot you're discussing is unique and delicate as it sheds light on the life of young ladies in the 18th century and the problems they face (early marriage, not going out at night, following the etiquette) It's not easy to delve into these times as you have to take culture and social system into consideration.
Lastly, there're small grammar and punctuation mistakes that can be easily solved by checking your chapters before posting them.
Good job so far, and keep writing!! Looking forward for more!!

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Interesting.

Although horror stories aren't my specialty, I've gotta be honest and say that your story is a good one with a unique plot and a lot of mystery that raises a lot of questions.
Actually, I've been meaning to reach out for a long time before you removed a few chapters from your story.
It is well-composed with a good writing style, and the amount of description in the scenes that show Catalina's state as a vampire are so creative the reader can imagine it so easily.
I'd really love to know what will happen with Catalina next, and what happened that made her become a vampire.
It's an interesting story, and you're doing a great job!!
Keep writing and hope to read more of your work soon!

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The Maelstrom

I don't know where to start actually, it's a great start for a story that I'm sure will take unexpected turns and twists. The plot is unique and I don't think anyone can handle the concept of time traveling that good if they aren't nerdy about it. I love the concept. Time and space travelling. Parallel worlds. It's intriguing and it moved the physics nerd in me, and it's really complex that I had to read some of the paragraphs twice to understand what the concept is about.
Now away from the creative concept of time traveling, you're doing a great job building up your characters (I have a feeling they'll get along well later) and putting Camelia in a tight spot from the first few chapters of the story. I could see a little chemistry building up between her and Rhys. Also, the young Jakoda is still a mystery that I'd like to know more about.
You merged between your nerdy self and artistic writer and came up with good few first chapters.
Keep up the good work! I'll be looking forward for more!!

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Unmasked

It's an interesting story with a unique plot and kinda passionate characters. I felt as if you wrote it from pure emotions, like all the ideas and thoughts in your mind were poured on paper without changing them or making things complex. It's like the chemistry between George and Dream is already there and you continued building it up.
There're some grammar mistakes that annoyed me though, although you can fix them by reading your chapters before submitting them.
Good job and keep going!!

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The Wrong Train

These are only the early chapters, and apparently lots of mysterious stuff will hopely unfold in the upcoming ones. The story is smoothly flowing and it's full of unexpected events at unexpected times and I should say no one can tell what is going to happen next.
Surely since it's only the first few chapters, things aren't clear yet.
The only problem is in grammar, and here's what you need to focus on:
-Usage of conjunctions and prepositions in the right way.
-Confusion of homophones (words that sound the same but have different meanings)
-Usage of the articles (the/a/an) and verb to be.
Use one tense while you're writing (either present or past) and it will help you to reread what you write before submitting because there are sentences that are missing verbs.
So far you're doing a good job! Looking forward for more!

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Somewhere Safe

First things first, I send my prayers to your dear Aunt Sarah, and may she rest in peace. I'm sure she's so proud of you.
Writing stories about war isn't an easy task, but you used the elements in hand to make it creative. The story plot is unique and the characters are a couple of pure and innocent children who are just at the beginning of their life journey. It's interesting to see how Max and Sarah interact with one another and build their friendship, and how they interact with the owners of the house that took them in and their friends. The story not only sheds light on our main characters and the daily changes happening in their new lives, but also it shows how war is changing them and changing life around them.
The story flows smoothly and has the right amount of narration and dialogue, and you swiftly switch between characters to tell the story from different perspectives which makes the reader feel like a spectator as if watching things from above.
But there are some things that I'd like to point out: Don't divide what one character has to say into separate quotations because that gets the reader confused about who is saying what. Try using other words than "said" or you can even omit using it for example instead of saying "Max said, polishing his jumper etc..." You can say, "Max polished his jumper etc..." There's no need to use "said" because the reader already knows he's talking. Also, use subjects He and She instead of using the character's names especially when the dialogue is happening between two people only.
Other than that, you're doing a great job and your story is catchy. First time reading a historical fiction on this platform. Loved it!! Keep up the good job!!

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When the dying flower blooms

From what I've read up till now, I find it an interesting story which I'd like to continue till the end. The plot is unique and I like how you are clear and direct in telling the events of the story, but I have few little notes that I hope you would consider. Consider using one tense; either the present tense or the past tense, and review your writing before you submit and then you'll be ready to go! I'm looking forward for more! Keep up the good work!

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Wanna know how she used to be

From what I've read so far, it's a pretty good story. Allow me to point out that you have some grammar mistakes and it would help to simply skim your writing before submitting it. Other than the story is good; it left me with lots of questions after reading each chapter. Looking forward for more! Keep up the good work!

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Dark Forces

Firstly, excuse me if I sound harsh, but I tend to be honest and thorough in my reviews to convey my point and help writers improve.
Dark Forces is a good story that has potential, the plot is cool and unique and what I understand from it is that Jackie/Nora was living on Earth, she's a Kryptonian Vampire, and Johnny came to escort her to Krypton where she remembered everything about her family and powers and duties as a princess. The plot is good, but there are some things that sounded unreasonable. First of all, Jackie is a Kryptonian Vampire, and a human-alien drops into her backyard, saying that he knows her. Here, you mentioned that Jackie "is unaware that Johnny knows her" and then Johnny said that he knows her and she was surprised. In this case, Jackie was surprised, but the reader wasn't. You destroyed the element of surprise for the reader. Also, when something life-changing happens (Jackie is a Kryptonian Vampire) the character should react, right? But Jackie wasn't the slightest bit shocked, and she didn't fear the human-alien who came to visit. Instead, she just hopped on the ship and left with him to Krypton, and accepted the fact that she's a princess there and has duties. Did she question why she was left with another family? How did she end up on a totally different planet? Everything happened really fast and she just accepted it! Also, there was this conversation that is supposedly a sensitive one, and it was happening while Nora's sword swung violently in her hands. Also, how does the planet look like?
I liked how you introduced your characters, each with a phrase that said a lot about them, but I think it's a better option to mention the characters' traits through the story. You introduced a lot of information all at once and that's confusing.
Technically, there's a lot to mention; I assume English is not your native language so I'll point out what's important to pay attention to:
1- Pay attention to punctuation: question marks and exclamation marks aren't used more than once or used together; which means no ?! or !? or ?? or !! Also, there are missing commas and the punctuation within the dialogue is quite weak; using punctuation sometimes conveys how the character is saying something in a better way. For example there's this sentence that Jackie says, it can be written like this: "Hello? This is Sergeant Jackie Cage. If you can hear me, come out with your hands up!" I hope I made my point.
2- Dialogue tags: dialogue tags are the words that follow the dialogue, for example: "Did you have your coffee?" he asked. In this case "he asked" is a dialogue tag. In your story, you tend to repeat the usage of said tags "he said/ she said/ she asked etc..." You need to reduce the amount of using the word said and asked, and mix them with action beats. Action beats are phrases that show what the character is doing, for example: "Did you have your coffee?" He extended a hot mug to me and smiled. Here, the line that followed the dialogue is the action beat.
3- Dialogue composition: you must pay attention to how to write a dialogue. When there's a new person talking, start their dialogue on a new line. Don't crowd everything in one paragraph because that will make the readers confused.
4- Dialogue tag punctuation: visit these links and I hope it helps: https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
https://self-publishingschool.com/dialogue-tags/
5- Grammar mistakes: pay attention to subject-verb-agreement/ possessive pronouns/ plural nouns. There are missing words and word confusion like: charging instead of changing, it's instead of its, gazing instead of grazing etc...
I covered as much as I can from the mistakes and I hope this helps. If you have any question, do not hesitate.
It's a good story and it has potential, so don't be disheartened! Keep writing! :D

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Just Amazing!

I'm sure your story will turn out to be a piece of art. At first, I thought I couldn't sympathize with Alec because his backstory is vague, but as the story went on, a deep bond of understanding had formed. It's brave of you to discuss such heavy and sensitive material because people need more consult on this matter and they need a closer look on the victim's mind. When a child is neglected by their parents, and they face a problem (whether it was bullying or something else) they don't go back to their parents to seek help, and they instead try to help themselves. However, when they fail to help themselves, they get angry with themselves and the absence of an adult figure and guidance drives them into troubles. Love is an essential ingredient in the human's psychology and everyone needs loves regardless of the age. Alec's case is severe; he's 12 and this the beginning of a very sensitive age, and when an outside person looks at his case, they might say that whatever happened to him was his choice. I don't think he was conscious about it, that, and the fact that I despise his parents very much. A twelve-year-old is a kid, not a teenager, and neither he's an adult. What parents don't care or never notice how their child is behaving over the course of years? I love how Alec is trying to be better and is cooperating with Maria, and how Josiah is also helping him. Josiah's story is kinda sad too. Although, won't he hesitate in his first session with Maria? I mean, therapy's first sessions usually don't end witha beneficial outcome. Or maybe because he was desperate?
Technically, you tend to switch a lot between past and present tenses which confuses the reader.
The story is amazing, and it's kinda scary how you show reality with bluntness and without a filter.
Waiting for more!! :D

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May the Sea Be with You

I'm not an expert on fanfiction stories and I've never read Percy Jackson or heard of him, but now I'm eager to start reading the series. However, there're some things that I don't understand: Firstly, is Katelyn a completely new character that you created and inserted into Percy's world, or she is an existing character in the original story and you chose to retell the story from her POV? I asked Google (I know; it's silly) and apparently Percy doesn't have a sister with this name, so Katelyn is a new character. I hope I'm getting it right. If Katelyn is a new character, I think it's creative to insert her into an existing fictional work and see what comes out of it. Secondly, you keep referring to "Rick Riordan" the author of the original Percy Jackson series. I want to ask, why do you keep referring to him and showing the difference between you version and his series? Isn't your story targeting the fans of Percy? Wouldn't they know on their own? I think it was helpful for me since I'm not a fan, but the majority of your audience will be fans.
Technically, the story is a smooth ride, and I seriously don't know how you managed to keep me reading while you're telling and not showing. TELL and not SHOW is the major problem. When you tell the story instead of showing the readers what's happening, the reader can't get emotionally bonded to the character. Instead, showing what's happening by engaging the characters in dialogue, description of actions and feelings helps readers build a deeper bond with characters and makes them more eager to know what'll happen.
Of course, this is a fanfiction story, and I don't know how to write one, so I'm not the expert here.
You have some grammar mistakes that can be easily fixed through editing.
the story was enjoyable, but I want to read more of your original work to know your writing style.
Amazing work! Keep going! ;D

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Wow!

I mean, seriously, WOW! I don't know where to start, but I must say I want to read more. Way to start with something happening and stir drama from the very beginning and way to get your readers hooked. Although the plot isn't clear yet, but the story has a thrilling vibe that left me at the edge of my seat. Your writing style is very good; you convey emotions in a way that makes the events realistic and you leave your readers with a lot of mystery to look forward to.
By the end of reading these two short, yet packed and well-composed chapters, I'm a jumble of nerves and I'm waiting for more!
Technically, there're two points:
1: Tiny grammar mistakes that can be easily detected through editing.
2: Punctuation of dialogue tags which you should pay attention to. For example, in chapter 1, paragraph 7: "...out of your mind." He answered. In this example, "answered" is a said tag, and the dialogue should be punctuated like this: "...out of your mind," he answered. Further on this matter, allow me to provide a link that will hopefully help you: https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
That's all! It's a great start and I can't wait to read more!! :D

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Jaded Heart

I'll be honest and thorough with you, and I hope I don't sound harsh.
Things were good at the beginning, it was good that you started the story with something happening, and laid a bit of a mystery in the preface, and I got intrigued about Leighton's horrible childhood and her miserable life with her grandfather, and the way her brother treats her, and the silent and mysterious Joshua. It was funny how Josh recognized Leighton when she came to class that first time, and their time together was indeed enjoyable, but things started going down.
I noticed that you tend to narrate a lot, that you tend to tell readers everything that's happening instead of showing. The readers don't only want to read, they want to see and feel with the character every little thing that's happening. For instance, instead of telling us that while Joshua remembers his past, it always ends with sadness for him, show us that sadness. Let us see him cry, hear his hitched breath, the beats of his heart, let Tully come to his rescue. Trauma isn't easy to be dealt with. Also, readers don't want to read about people who have distant connection with the main characters, and whose nonexistence won't disrupt the flow of the story.
In other words, telling instead of showing and narrating unnecessary details makes the story prone to skipping. Also, don't describe details of characters actions because that would not leave imagination for the reader. The romance element of the story is very slow and a late late bloomer.
There are a few things to note out: in earlier chapters, you mention that when Joshua's mother died, he was four and Desi was 3, then in chapter 8, when you delved deeper into the incident, you said that Daniel was 11 and Joshua was 6. It was confusing. Also, it felt abrupt when I learned that Joshua's real name is Robert.
Technically, I got confused as you shifted between the two POVs in the same chapter and even in the same paragraph. I wasn't able to juggle thoughts of two people at the same time even when you're writing in 3rd person. I think separate POVs where you would display the thoughts of one character and shut out the thoughts of the other even if they're in the same place is better. There were several grammar mistakes, word confusion, and even missing words that would be easily fixed.
You used 'He asked' once. This form of dialogue tag punctuation should follow this example: "Did you have your coffee?" he asked. The pronoun is not capitalized.
It's a good story, and it has a good potential, and I can see you have the talent and passion.
Nice work and keep writing! :)

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Forever and A Moment

Firstly, excuse me if I sound harsh, but I tend to be thorough and honest in my reviews and good critic will help you grow as a writer. Up till now (6 chapters) the title doesn't have any connection to the story, and I don't see a hint of fantasy or adventure. However, I must say, I'm amazed at your ability to use hard words and good descriptions at such a young age.
There are lots of issues that seemed unreasonable to me like the fact that twelve-year-old kids are high school students while in fact high school students are 14 to 18-year-old kids, like how the school is apparently ruled by an arrogant kid like Angelica, and how adults have no presence or say in the school.
Technically, you tend to narrate a lot, which makes the story prone to skipping. instead of telling us what's happening, you should SHOW us by engaging the characters in question in a conversation and allowing us to hear their voices. Delve deeper into the emotions of the characters so that the reader gets attached to them. The story is about Lila, right? But throughout the narration, it felt as if the story was being told by a 3rd person, and Lila felt like a bystander instead of the main character. The good thing is that you started with something happening late in chapter one. I advise you to throw a conflict early in the first chapter to get your readers hooked on the story.
Regarding grammar and punctuation, I pointed out the mistakes, and pay attention to this: question marks and exclamation marks are never used together or more than once. No ?! or !? or ?? or !! Also, try this link to learn more about how to punctuate dialogue tags and action beats: https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
I hope that helps. Don't give up! And keep writing!

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Does It Feel?

Firstly, I want you to excuse me if I sound harsh, but I tend to be honest and thorough in my reviews.
Your story definitely has potential, but it needs a lot to be fixed. While reading, I thought a lot about the story plot, and I understood that what you wanted for Beatrice is to feel a lot of different emotions, which already happened. However, I encountered a lot of unreasonable things. For instance, the kids in the story are 14 years old, which means they're supposed to be totally capable of taking care of themselves, and that's why I found that Beatrice doesn't need a baby sitter. Also, at first, I didn't think of Beatrice as the clumsy type, I thought she was a forgetful girl.
About Zene, I don't understand her relationship with Beatrice. I understood that she's a terrible friend, but I didn't understand her betrayal for Beatrice. Why would Zene decide to stop being Bee's friend? What reason made her choose other friend(s) and leave Bee behind? It crossed my mind that maybe because they're 14, they tend to do unreasonable things, but then I know kids who are 9 years old and don't act like that. Also, when Zene punched Margaret, I don't think a punch would kill a kid with Asthma. Kids with Asthma always carry their inhalers with them to help in cases of sudden attacks. Supposing that the conflict happened in a crowded place where everyone is listening to music and dancing, won't the people in a close range hear Zene and Margaret arguing? Now Zene killed Margaret, and she doesn't feel a speck of remorse, and all the more, she's EMBARRASED instead of GUILTY. It felt inhumane when you said that Margaret was adopted and that her family doesn't care. That was totally unreasonable, No one kills someone and then resumes with their lives. I think you gotta give this part of the story a completion in your next book otherwise it'd feel disturbing. Then came Lauren's part. Whatever was Lauren's status, a girl hysterically crying in the lobby should attract people's attention. Lauren's story was also incomplete. Also, when they're in Turkey, won't they have difficulty communicating in Turkish?
The family atmosphere is so cozy, and I really want for Beatrice to have deep friendships. Also, I guess there's a spark between Eric and Bee! I find it unreasonable how Zene and Bee patched things up. Also, did Bee tell her teacher that she suspects Zene and the teacher didn't do anything? Are most adults nonfunctional in the story?
Technically, it is good that you keep space for reader's imagination, however there's lots of time spacing through the chapters, and when you mention the time or the place during which the events are happening, it feels as if you're writing scenes instead of chapters. The first chapter felt like narrating Beatrice's life. I advise you to always start your story with something happening. You wanna show us how Beatrice goes through her morning? Cool! Then instead of making it normal, cause drama. Wreak havoc! Do something that'll disrupt the peace of her day. Don't narrate, in other words, don't TELL. Instead, you gotta SHOW us what's happening (I'm gonna provide a link on this issue if you want) Describe Beatrice's feelings instead of telling us what the principal and the representative are saying in the singing competition! Who cares about them? Show us Beatrice's FEELINGS! Add some descriptions to your story. How does Bee and her friends look like? Describe Turkey. What is Bee's favorite book? What's her favorite subject? Instead of telling us that Beatrice said something embarrassing, think of something embarrassing she would say and write it down. Actually, the story didn't strike me as humor.
Regarding grammar and punctuation, there're some points you need to pay attention to:
1- Dialogue tags: pay attention to repetition of said tags, mix it with action beats and pay attention to punctuation (lots of missing points and commas/ I'll provide a link on this issue too if you want.)
2-Punctuation problem: questions marks and exclamation marks don't stand together and aren't used more than once. In other words: No ?! or !? or ?? or !!
3-Pay attention to the right usage of prepositions.
4-You switched from 3rd person to 1st person in the beginning of the dinner chapter. Use only one point of view either 3rd or 1st
5-Using strong verbs replaces the usage of weak adverbs.
6-Use pronouns instead of names when you know who's talking.
7- There're some subject-verb agreement mistakes and word confusion.
Lastly, I wanna tell you not to rush while writing the story. The point of writing is to get your readers hooked and not to finish writing. The composition and structure as well as the grammar and punctuation are all important pillars to make you readers continue reading instead of skimming.
"Does it Feel?" has a good potential and I'm sure you're gonna fix it to make it better and better! Nice work and keep wiritng! :D

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Amazing!

I normally don't read these kinds of stories, but I find this story quite interesting! Way to start with something happening and stir drama from the very beginning to catch reader's attention.
Your characters are diverse, each with a different mindset and conflicts that are troubling them. I love the atmosphere of Steven's pack, the way they know when to act as a family and when to act as a group with a leader. I like how you add flaws to your characters in a way that even the strongest of them have weaknesses, what I mean is you don't make a purely strong protagonist or a purely weak protagonist; you create them to be realistic and relatable even though they're Werewolves and Magic's.
Steven got me the most with his confusion and uncertainty about his feelings towards Cora, and how deeply traumatized he is by the murder of his brothers.
Cora was kind of weird for me at the beginning, but slowly through the story I could understand her and I liked her affection towards Steven.
Steven's pack members are so sweet. Caring and loving and ready to sacrifice themselves for their Alpha.
Jen strikes me as unreasonable with her rushed and harsh decisions, although losing someone you love makes you crazy.
It's clear that you have a vivid imagination and I love how smoothly you can convey emotions.
Technically, there's only a single grammatical mistakes and you're composed texture of the story made it a smooth read and a great pageturner. Although, the bulky paragraphs kinda annoyed me. When you write a lot, you tend to tell instead of showing which makes the story prone to skimming instead of reading and leaves no room for readers imagination.
Despite that, I really enjoyed reading your story! You have great talent and you know how to use it. Nice work! Keep writing! :D

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Couldn't put it down!

Honestly, this is the most amazing vampire/werewolf story I've ever read. I don't usually read vampire stories, but yours got me hooked from the first few paragraphs. The story started by mentioning Anastasia as a member of a royal family and then her twin brothers were playing video games. It hit me that the story is about a modern royal family.
I loved Anastasia. I liked her nonchalant demeanor and sense of humor and sarcasm. The twins are cute, and I think they keep saying 'baby sis' on purpose all the time. I find Eliana and Xavier as a match made in heavens because their personalities are quite the same (funny and exceedingly annoying) Vincent is cute too, although his possessiveness annoys me a lot.
The story is quite creative on different aspects. First of all, you've done a great job delving deep into the system of the universe of your story, and I'm sure that takes a lot of work.
Secondly, the characters are unique. In fantasy stories, there're no boundaries to how a person looks like and what kind of powers they possess, hence the weird and attractive combinations of your characters. That, and the fact that your characters have mind diversions. Since your characters have more than one being within, you create the kind of flexibility where you put your character in different shoes. What I'm trying to say here is that it's as if you're juggling tens of characters at once. And that's amazing!
Although, the character introduction is quite abrupt, and the way Vincent and Anastasia met was shocking too. I didn't like the instant touching and possessiveness, because it felt forced (which was the case) which means that their relationship won't have a chance for building chemistry. Also, too much lust for 17-year-old. I wish the brothers and Anastasia's family gave the werewolves a hard time to show how much they care for Anastasia and Eliana.
The mystery element in the story is captivating and I really want to know what will happen next.
Technically, because I'm a nitpicky reader, I must point out some mistakes. You have a problem with plural nouns; it's always either a mistake with the verb following the noun or with the pronoun referring to it especially when talking about the twins. You tend to switch between past and present tenses, and when you described Anastasia's first impression of Vincent, you used was+verb-ing which gives a passive voice.
Regarding punctuation, there're rules in cases of action beats and dialogue tags. I'll provide a link that can help. https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/
The story is amazing! Keep going! :D

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Sweet & Crazy!

It's a story that has a different aspect of other typical romance stories. It's funny, and I love how you appear so relaxed while writing it. It starts in bizarre settings (quiz competition? How would someone crush on someone here?) and I really wanted to see more of the rivalry of Ashton and Dana's schools.
It was clear through the story how much you love Dana. She's smart, loud, energetic, and now somewhat stupidly and slowly falling in love with the adorable- she called him that- Ashton. Your characters are closer to real life as you're showing us a case of 15-year-olds and their first crush. They're stupid, they're cute, and they make mistakes.
It's cute, but building chemistry is slow and the chapters were getting painfully longer. Although, I'm eager to know what'll happen next because to be honest when I saw your characters, my first thought was: they look 17.
Technically, there's a lot to tell, so excuse me for the long review.
First thing I noticed is the punctuation problem. Commas and points should be added inside the dialogue, and not outside. And when a dialogue ends with a question or exclamation, you should never add a comma outside the quotation for example: "Did you have your coffee?", (this comma outside the quotation, should NEVER be there.) Secondly, question marks and exclamation marks aren't used together or more than once, which means ?! and !? and ?? and !! are not in punctuation rules. Also, writing in block letters is rarely used, so you can replace it with (she yelled on top of her lungs)
Use dashes for interjection, and ellipses are three dots only (...)
At some point through the story, you switched from past tense to present tense. Choose only one tense to write your story. There are also several mistakes of word confusion and some typos that can be easily fixed.
If you like, I can point out the mistakes in the comment section, although I might be late a bit to reach out.
You're story has great potential and I'm sure you have a lot for us in store! Can't wait to read more! Keep writing! :D

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Intriguing Start!

Wow. Despite the fact that the chapters are short, you managed to get me hooked on this.
The plot is amazing, as I see Dani is struggling between following her dreams and desires, and taking care of her duties. The nice thing is that in the first chapter you lay a mystery and then finished with a cliffhanger that makes readers want to continue. Same for the other chapters. The story isn't too deep yet, but I can sense there's chemistry between Dani and Neowise, the story gave me calming vibes for some reason, and apparently there're some serious issues in the upcoming chapters.
It'd be nice if you go deeper and make a clearer picture of the story so the reader will have a deeper connection.
Technically, so you can flow easily in the next chapters, pay attention to phrases (there're two phrases in chapter 2) that are supposed to be part of the sentence because they don't exist alone. Also, punctuate the end of the dialogue (I wonder why you do with ellispes)
It's a fascinating story with vivid and capturing descriptions, and I'm sure you have a lot of fantasy and magic in store!
Nice start, keep writing!

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The Modern Romeo and Juliet

Firstly, allow me congratulate you and thank God for giving you the power and the wit to produce such an amazing piece of art. It's art. What I've been reading for the past ten days was definitely art.
Excuse my long review, but I tend to be honest and thorough.
I honestly don't know where to start. The plot is amazing, creative, and first of it's kind (I've never read something like this before), and the way you dealt with each piece of the story is quite smart and funny. You know when to proceed through your story, when to give the reader a breather, and when to jam it with emotions that the reader feels overwhelmed as much as the character is.
Andromeda (I must say you have a knack in choosing names) is a complex character. She struggles with self-loathing and bullying due to the birthmark on her face, and she's satisfied with staying alone in her safe bubble without coming in contact with anyone, yet she's a talented writer, and a loving sister who came up with this idea to finish a life-long feud between her family and that of her sister's boyfriend, and this plan forced her out of her bubble. Nice job making your character uncomfortable with her own skin (it's a figure of speech.)
At first, when you showed how lovely Andy's family was and what a cozy atmosphere they make, I thought Andy was a strong female lead and has a good life, but it gradually turned out she was not. And this is good; the reality of her being weak is good; it's good to learn a bit more about the main character through each chapter instead of lumping everything you know about her in one go. This makes the reader eager to continue reading. Although, I'm a bit annoyed with the fact that I'm always not mentally prepared whenever Andy bursts into tears. The girl cries out of the blue and I always don't see it coming.
Unlike what you said in your final note about not trusting your characters enough, I felt quite the opposite while reading. It's like you gave the reins to your characters and let them carry on with their emotions and dialogue, although sometimes it got really witty (especially Andy and Dan) that I had to reread it, and other times it got really funny I laughed to my heart content.
Speak of the devil, I loved how you introduced Daniel T., and when he turned out to be a nerd I was so happy. It was funny watching Dan and Andy fall into rhythm and outsmart one another.
Controlling the pace of the story is a completely different issue. I felt how relaxed you seemed and it was comfortable the way you approached the essence of the plot and the backstory of the family feud. It was all in a slow and understandable and not a dragging manner. Seriously, NOT A DULL MOMENT. The nice thing is that there's a lot happening on Andy's side of the story that I wanted to continue reading from her POV (even if she wasn't the narrator, it was her story) and when reality downed on her and she had to direct the play, and when she first stood up for herself, there was Andromeda Sharpe at the beginning of a transformation process.
About Shakespeare and his play, you must love drama so much to be so engrossed in it. I've never thought of reading Shakespeare's plays but I understand the story of Romeo and Juliet. However, when I read it and learned about it from your POV, it amazed me how deep you delved into understanding every aspect of the play and choosing the right characters to play it. That, and the scene with Mrs. L was so creative. Actors and writers as well need to practice brain flexibility. The way you put each of your characters as a character from the play means you've created deviations and experienced different versions of the same characters. It's like creating new characters, and when you poured modern language into it, saying it's genius is understatement.
Of all the supporting characters, I loved Andy's Mom and Brian the most. The mother was so understanding, as she always made sure to get the point to her daughters without breaking them. Also, Brian's timing to come and rescue Andy was always the best, although I always wished it'd be Dan. But the story can't proceed without giving the couple a bit of trouble. There were several chapters I've read with a hollow pit in my stomach; I got too attached to Galaxy Girl that I felt every bit of her being throughout the story. How she struggled to make the play as perfect as she can make it, how hard it was to face Daniel with all the misunderstanding rising between them (even though she was dense about the fact that he was jealous) and how hard it was after her face-off with Sharon.
Which brings me to this; I feel that Sharon's backstory was quite abrupt. I understand that you had to patch things up between her and Andy, but when Andy apologized for slapping Sharon and the latter gave a satisfactory smile, I was ocked to find her crying and apologizing to Andy later. It would've been more realistic if Sharon was in almost-imperceptible shock instead of being satisfied with Andy's apology. Sharon was also living in a state of hatred that she had to blame someone for the things that happened to her.
But I like how things turned out at last; how Andy was finally able to forgive her rival, direct a genius version of Romeo and Juliet, and live the horrors of almost living such a tragedy due to her dad and Daniel's. Can I be proud of someone else's character? Because I'm proud of Andy.
About Mason Jar and Sweet Tea, I believe it's a nice add to the story, a sweet and smart short story, and another evidence that you're so good at juggling more than twenty characters in the same stage. The fact that some are based on real-life people is intriguing, this shows how much a writer can use from life instead of watching it move on through their window.
Technically, since I'm known for being a grammar police, there're few grammatic mistakes and punctuation mistakes. I've never read a novel (outside this platform) where exclamation points and question marks are used more than once or used together, although it's a pass in the case of Daniel and Andy's notes.
Again, excuse my rambling.
It's an amazing story, and amazing doesn't even begin to describe it. Honestly, you're a master of a marvelous stage, and I enjoyed reading your story and riding this roller coaster of emotions.
Your story deserves to be published and I hope one day to see it winking at me from my bookshelf.

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Not a Dull Moment!

Seriously, where do you scifi people get your ideas from? Because this is brilliant, and I can't seem to be able to put it down. It intrigued me from the very beginning as the plot is creative and always prone to drama. I love the world you created in the story. Two worlds, completely different; one that sticks to the old ways and its own beliefs, and another that seems more than a century away, with its order and concept of power and dark and light matter. The nice thing is that you put these two units at close proximity, which will definitely stir action. That, and the concept of hierarchy in your world: the Protectors and the Guardians, the Remnants and Ostani, the Elites and the soldiers and the projects. Seriously, where do you get your ideas from?
The variation in the characters captivates the reader, and I have to tell you, as I'm reading with Vance, I couldn't help but feel his pain and sadness as he left his sister, his anxiety and insecurity as they kept using him, and his reasonable madness upon their inhumane treatment. Of all your characters, I love Dyaan the most because despite the fact that he's a soldier who's been trained to control his feelings, he has a big heart and turned out to be a big sortie. Also, I was amazed to see how much Brekla cares for him even though she showed no trace of emotion toward Vance.
It's a complicated system, and you're dealing with it pretty good.
Technically, you're doing a good job in delivering information about your characters, I like how you don't dump everything about them in one go and how you proceed with your story in a way that keeps the reader eager to continue reading. The chapters are of good length and they're the perfect combination of narrative, description, and dialogue.
The only grammar mistakes I found are ones that I believe are typos, but there're some punctuation errors. Question marks and exclamation marks are never used together in this manner (?! or !?) And they're not used together.
It's a genius project and I'm eager to know how things will turn out! Waiting for more! :D

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Gwiyeobda!

I'm a big fan of k-drama, and I watch it constantly, and when your story is completed, it'll definitely make a cute love story! Although, as a reader and a fellow nitpicky writer, I find myself responsible to give you sone notes on the story.
First off all, the plot is really good, but I think it's better to make the entire story from Yoora's POV, instead of switching between her and the author. After all, it's Yoora's story, and it'd be nice to see all events from her POV. Like when you say Yoora is kind of a bookworm, instead of mentioning it as a note, let it slip as a thought from Jia (Jia thinks I'm not into music and concerts as much as she thinks. Well, I admit I'm a little bit of a bookworm etc...) or something like that. Trust that your character is able to deliver the story without a word from you. Also, what does Yoora look and Jia look like?
Regarding the flashback, I think it'd be engaging for the readers to read it first, because it'll raise questions that need to be answered. When readers have questions, they continue reading to get the answer. If I read the flashback as a chapter alone, I would be like: who is Yoora? Who is Jia? What do they look like? Why are they in a concert? Who's the guy Yoora bumped into? See what I mean? Such questions will make your readers continue reading.
Describe the setting, maybe a bit of the weather. The place around. The feelings of exhilaration while watching the concert. The nervousness as Yoora waits to meet her Mystery crush.
Of course, these are all ideas and you're free to take them into consideration or not. After all, you're the writer.
Technically, you have good vocabulary, but you have little problems in grammar and punctuation. I think you mean to write the story in past tense, but there are few verbs that slipped in present, there's word confusion, and subject-verb agreement mistakes. Those all can be pointed out through editing. There're also some sentences missing a word, I understand; when we're writing, thoughts run and some words slip away.
All in all, I'm sure you have more in store to make this the love story you aim for. You're doing a good job! Keep writing! Looking forward for more!

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Imperfectly Beautiful

While reading my review, please excuse me if I sound harsh, but I tend to be thorough in my reviews to get the point to the writer and help them improve.
Arieanna's story is about a 22-year-old who has her own life (house, car, and job,) was bullied due to her weight, and despite her independence, she's still intimidated by her mother. I think it's a brave step to discuss such an issue about girls who have low self-esteem and feel bounded to their parents, and I like what things are going to and how Anna is trying to fight for her own life and rebel against her mother. James was basically the kind of jerk you'd find anywhere, but I think it was unreasonable of Anna to follow him to his apartment when he is a stranger as much as Jeremy is. I don't know on what she builds her trust, but I can see the chemistry between Jeremy and Anna. You have a nice plot with a good potential, but your biggest problem lies in technicality.
I know English isn't your first language, but that can be easily fixed through editing.
-There are problems with punctuation (sentences missing a point or a question mark) and don't use question marks or exclamation marks twice (?? or !!) or together (?!) and when you start with a quotation, don't leave space after it.
-Choose one tense to tell your story; either the past or the present.
-You were doing a good job at the beginning of the story by showing and not telling what was happening, but then you started using a lot of verbs-to-be and -ing forms which gives the story a passive voice. Showing instead of telling can be through dialogue and action.
-Don't tell everything about your character in one go.
-Pay attention to subject-verb agreement word confusion and there are some sentences that miss a verb and others that are incomprehensible. Also, if you want to divide the monologue of a character into two paragraphs, leave the end of the first without a closing quotation and quote the second.
-Instead of always tagging the dialogue with a said tag, mix it up with action beats. Trust that your reader will understand what's happening without always telling the action; that is by description and character gestures and expressions.
Your story has a good potential, and I really want to know what'll happen with Anna, but it needs a lot of polishing, and I'm sure you want to make it better.
You're doing much better than anyone who isn't trying, and I like your persistence about learning. Keep writing! Looking forward for more! If you want me to point your grammar mistakes, I can through comments (of course that's up to you to decide) :)

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The Forbidden Island

First of all, I want you to excuse me if I sound harsh, but I tend to be thorough in my reviews to help you improve.
The Forbidden Island is a good story, and while I read the story, I noticed you had plenty of ideas, but the story needs a lot of polishing. Firstly, the events are rushing and the chapters are very short for a horror story. You tend to lump all the character's actions together to tell us what's happening. Instead of telling us what's happening through narration, I suggest you SHOW us what's happening through dialogue because it's more active and captures the readers. Also, I learnt nothing about the main character. I don't know their name, their gender, their age, and I don't know how anyone looks like. Also, I noticed that you didn't describe how the island looks like, or how anyone felt. I mean, it's a horror story, right? So when our protagonist finds human remains, there's supposed to be a smell, and how does this remain look like (is it bone, is it blood and flesh?) How did they know it's human remains and not animal's (I'm just giving ideas so please don't be annoyed with me) What I'm saying here is describe the place around them and give the readers an eerie vibe as they read.
When they found Joe's head, I honestly wasn't scared at all. I was a bit shocked because it happened out of nowhere, and then surprised that no one reacted. Such a creepy scene should make someone faint at least. They weren't screaming either, and no one threw up or had nightmares or something. I didn't see normal reactions of someone who sees their friends' body headless.
Also, there should be a reason for all that happened to them, and when the main character went back home, they took a shower and slept and that was it. They didn't grieve the lost or take responsibility for what happened.
Again, I'm just giving you tips, and you're free to take them into consideration or not.
Technically, you have a lot of grammatic mistakes. Capitalize the beginning of each sentence as well as proper nouns, and pay attention to punctuation and repetition.
Your story has potential if you're willing to polish it. And remember, you're doing much better than anyone who isn't trying.
Keep up the good work!

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Intriguing!

If you think about a life were everyone is immortal, no one is sick, no one needs money or needs a job, and everyone has an eternity to get what they want, you'd think for instance that everyone should be happy and content with this life. All You Need is Immortality has a wondrous plot that makes the reader question if any of the things about eternity and absolute health are even possible. Leon, you created a whole world that does not exist in real life and is far from reach, making sure not to miss any detail.
When things fall into a routine, such a life becomes boring and annoying, and that's where Okinizeus- your choice of weird character names remind me of me- arrives. He's a different individual, he's curious, he wants to know more, he feels and lives in a universe of his own and stands out a lot between all these emotionless and poker faces. I love how you poured humanity into this character, and made him the one to cause drama throughout the story. I loved the creation of other characters too, except Yundoran and his weird attachment to Okinizeus.
Technically, your writing style is good, but in the first chapter I felt as if you've been forcing yourself to write, then I noticed how you relaxed into the environment of your story as I proceeded with reading. It's creative, but you should avoid the repetition of descriptions at some points, as well us the usage of synonyms in close proximity. You have some subject-verb agreement mistakes that can be fixed easily, and pay attention to the usage of commas because there are places where it shouldn't be used.
All in all, the story is intriguing and holds notions beyond the average human's brain. It's creative and I enjoyed reading it!
Keep writing! Looking forward for more!

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My Weirdos

First of all, excuse me if I sound harsh, but I tend to be thorough in my reviews to help clear my point and help you improve, and if you have any question, I'm ready to help.
Firstly, the story is nice and has a unique plot. I can see that it has to potential to be continued due to the mysteries you've laid out in the story. The flow is smooth and the story gives a cozy feeling.
I loved everything about Aanya; she's messy and she's not ashamed about it. She studies psychology, loves her parents and brothers, not good at socializing and the most surprising thing is that she's a boxing champion. Aanya is a strong character that deserves a strong story, which brings me to my next point: you have a problem in the basics of English writing. I guess English is not your native language, but it's not a problem.
Here, I'll put down some points you have to pay attention to:
1-Usage of the tenses: when narrating a story, use only one tense of verbs (either the present or the past) I couldn't understand when the events are happening.
2-Use capitalization in the beginning of each new sentence (there are words that should be capitalized) and don't capitalize in the middle of the sentence unless it's a proper noun.
3-Punctuation: Points to end a sentence and at the end of the dialogue. Commas to pause, question marks at the end of questions and exclamation marks at the end of an exclamation. Don't use ? or ! more than once.
4-Use conjunctions to compose your sentences into more coherent paragraphs.
5-Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and word confusion.
6-Don't divide a person's monologue into several quotations.
I hope I didn't sound harsh, and honestly, I think your story has potential, but all you have to do is fix these issues and your story will continue smoothly.
Don't give up and keep writing!

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Echoes of Midnight

Here's a story for you to read when the clock ticks, announcing a new day. Read it before sunrise because it's under the moonlight that magic happens.
You're story is so magical and you're doing a great job building it up. The prologue (can I call it that?) is descriptive and capturing. It's not easy to attract readers from the first chapter.
Chapter length is so relaxing, and the nice thing about your writing style is that you don't overwrite or write scarcely, your chapters are the perfect amount of description, narration, and dialogue. And a little bit of magic :)
The story has a nice flow, and the way you introduce new characters and add bits about Stefan is very smooth. I loved the characters' uniqueness, from the mystery and awkwardness of Stefan (I'm still wondering how old he is and how he looks like because his actions make him sound like he's fifteen) to the curiousity of Greta and the slyness of the goddesses. And as Greta couldn't even think to believe what the master was saying, it became clear that they where living in completely different worlds. The idea of two worlds clashing together is creative and intriguing.
Your story is pretty good, but the only problem lies in the grammar. You have some grammar mistakes especially in subject-verb agreement and verb tenses when composing questions. Other than that, it's a beautiful and engaging story that keeps me craving more!!
Keep writing! Looking forward for more!

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Mentality.

First of all, excuse me if I sound harsh, but I tend to be thorough in my reviews in order to help. First, I think there's a problem in the story because I couldn't access but two chapters that were ordered four and five. I wonder if you're editing the rest of the chapters.
Anyway, regarding your plot, it's a good one, and it's brave of you to discuss such a topic. Mental health is an important topic and light should be shed more on it.
Through the prologue, I understood that the protagonist is having a hard time, and that she's looking for constant happiness and love, and in the first chapter when you introduced her to us, I wondered what kind of situation she's living in? How does she look like? Is she suffering from depression? or bulimia nervosa (because she had this little bickering with her mother about food, and because the medicine she uses is also used to treat bulimia) What happened that changed her life?
On the technical side, you need to deal with word confusion, use only one tense (either present or past), and pay attention to punctuation (there're places that need commas and don't use exclamation marks more than once)
Don't feel down; you're still in the early chapters of your story, but tackling these problems will help you for the best. Also, I realize I might not be giving your story justice because I've read only two chapters, but I'm looking forward for more.
Keep up the good work; you're doing much better than anyone who isn't trying, and don't feel shy to ask anything :)

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Mommy's Lil Angel

I don't know where to start, but I've gotta say you did a great job in creating a story that is a mix of both horror and humor. It's rare to see both these aspects balanced in a story, and the way you shift from narrating old memories to narrating what's happening in the present time doesn't get the reader confused at all.
Although horror is not my favorite genre, I should be honest with you and say that the story got me hooked. It started in an entirely bizarre setting (who starts a story in an underground sewer?) and that generated a lot of questions and made me want to continue reading.
I felt sorry for Chris after reading his backstory and Julian freaked me out, it is a creative move to use the most adorable creatures on earth to be the villains.
The reason I put three stars for grammar and punctuation is because you have a small punctuation problem that can be solved by rereading your chapters before submitting.
I recommend your story for anyone who likes horror with a bit of humor and unexpected twists.
Nice work!!

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Enchanting!

I didn't read the first book because this review is upon your request, but while I was reading The Final Note, I couldn't help thinking "I've gotta read the first book to know what happened!" because the system of the story, the heart of it, and the way you built it is all initiated in the first book, but I have this feeling that the notion of soulmates in the story will be broken because I could sense an existing chemistry between Ian and Sarina.
The story has a smooth flow, and the way you finished each chapter with a cliffhanger made me want to continue, but to make your chapters more appealing to the readers, avoid word and phrases repetition. For example in chapter 5: the reader knows that the dialogue is happening between Celine and Sarina, so there's no need to mention Celine's name in every bit of the dialogue. Also, pay attention to the punctuation and no need to use dialogue tags all the time, mix it up with action beat!
It's a good story, and I loved how I could sympathize with Sarina; it means that she's a strong and affecting female lead.
Good work, and looking forward to more chapters!!

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Summer.

First things first, I want you to excuse me if I sound harsh, but I believe it's my job to be honest in order to make my point.
Firstly, the story has a good plot and a flow that's makes you want to continue reading. Discussing bullying; which is a very serious issue that most kids in the world suffer from; is very brave of you and I hope you can bring it more to light.
The very first bullying scene is kind of unrealistic. I understand girls bullying girls, but do boys bully girls physically? And where were the teachers? Didn't any of them notice that Summer is having a trouble or try to help her. I couldn't sense the humor in the story, but I could tell Summer is a sarcastic narrator.
Through the first few chapters, I kept wondering why she is so unlucky, unlikable, and hopeless, and I felt she hates herself so much. I kept thinking why would you give your character all these physical and emotional flaws? She seemed so hopeless that I wanted to know if it'll ever get better for her. And in the latest chapters, it finally does!!
The story plot is really good, but I've gotta note that you have a lot of grammar mistakes, and when you're narrating, use one tense only: either past or present.
Good job so far! You're doing much better than those who aren't trying! Keep up the good work and hope to get more chapters soon. ♡

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Just Like Beethoven's Sonata!

Honestly, I don't even know where to start. I've been meaning to reach out for a while, but I wanted to delve deeper into the story, and I'm glad that I did. I should say you did a wonderful job while writing this. It's a beautiful story, graceful, with a smooth flow and an elegant vibe and a perfect length of chapters. My curiosity would've killed me if I put it down.
I loved Sierra the most, how you made her into this young yet strong female lead. Her curiosity, her urge to rebel against being a noble lady, her mischief, all makes you live each second with her and feel her and want to know more about her.
The setting is magical and I love how much you appeared living in that time by introducing the culture, the music, and the technology. And I can't help but note the chemistry between Sierra and the all the guys who love her. And how do you always make us forget that we're reading a letter is something I would really like to know.
All in all, the story is so elegant just like Beethoven's Sonata, starting slow and then rushing like a raging storm then giving these sad vibes. I might sound weird, but I've listened to the pieces you mentioned while reading. From Beethoven to Saint Saens to Meet Me Tonight in Dreamland, it all engulfs the reader in a wave of emotion and helps put them in the mood.
Such a beautiful story. You have a few grammatical mistakes scattered here and there that can be easily fixed.
Great job!! Can't wait to read more of your work! ♡

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Forgive Me! One True Time.

Before I start, I want you to excuse me if I sound harsh because I tend to be thorough and honest in my review in an intention to help you improve.
Firstly, the story plot is unique and I hope you have a lot of ideas in store to make it closer and fitting with the title. In general, you have no problem in composing the poems- which I must say are pretty good and do convey lots of emotions- and in composing the dialogue, but the problem lies in tagging the dialogue and delivering it. Don't use dialogue tags (said, urged, yelled etc..) in every bit of the dialogue when you can replace them with action beats, and I noticed you tend to use "X does something as they are doing something else" as a form of tagging the dialogue a lot which makes readers skim the chapter instead of reading it properly. Also, don't use the name of the character each time you're starting a new sentence. You can use subject and object pronouns to refer to them.
The basic paragraph structure needs to be worked on because there are some phrases that count as dependent clauses (which can't stand alone in a sentence) and hence making the paragraph incomprehensible.
Pay attention to the usage of the right prepositions and conjunctions to group the sentences together in a more coherent method, and don't use Italic for dialogues. Keep Italic for flashbacks and character's thoughts.
One last thing; before you start writing ask yourself this: Are we writing in the past or in the present? Don't use two different tenses in the same sentence. Also, are we writing in 1st person or in 3rd person?
The plot is really good but you need to work on your style and grammar to make it catchy for the readers. I really loved the poems, but I felt the poems and the rest of the story are written by two different people. I hope I was helpful, and for more helpful hints on editing and writing check HELPFUL HINTS FOR WRTITING AND EDITING SUCCESS by THEGREENSHOES.
Good luck, and don't stop writing! You're doing much better than anyone who isn't trying. :)

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Spirit of Fire

Sincerely, I don't know to describe the way I'm fascinated by your story, it got me hooked from the very first chapter. I loved the plot, the uniqueness of the characters and how you manage to show their quirks in their personalities, and the vivid descriptions that made me feel like living in the world you created.
Some readers might find it boring that you ventured in describing the smallest details of the settings, but to me it felt nice how you never forgot any of the details and delivered them in an elegant and creative manner. It showed that Saffire's life was an array of colors. And then you moved from the safety of her house to the wilderness of the outside world. It's not the setting and the descriptions, but it's also the way I felt about Saffire. I could sense her momentary sadness, her fear of doing something she believes is bigger than her, her doubt, I could feel the weight of the events that tipped her life from peaceful to chaotic. It's like not only you've got magic in your story, but you've got magic running in your veins too.
It's captivating and it made me feel that you're immersed into the world you're creating.
Keep up the nice work! I wanna read more of your future stories.

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Interesting!!

Seriously, I don't know where to begin. Your story is so interesting and it got me hooked on the first few paragraphs. It is really well composed, with the right amount of narration, description, and dialogue. The length of the chapters might be intimidating for some, but I found the story has a smooth flow that the reader won't feel bored at all. It amazes me how you're able to create different characters with totally distinct attitudes and personalities that are relatable and found in real life, and I liked Holden's attitude the most. I'd really want to see everyone interacting together. It isn't limited to the characters, but there's also the way you collected different aspects of life in a close frame. The issues you discuss are very serious too (betrayal, suicide, alcoholism) and of course the setting of the story is not created without delving deep into the culture, fashion, and music of that time.
It's really vivid and creative and I'd love to read more.
Good job so far! Keep going!

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Meeting You

First of all, I want you to excuse me if you sense that I'm being harsh because I feel it's my job to deliver my review honestly and be thorough about each point to help you polish your story. And I want you to know that you're doing much better than anyone who isn't trying so don't give up.🌸
It is true that your story has a unique plot, but there are lots of holes that I'm gonna point out:
1- Regarding characters: How does our protagonist looks like? Through out the nine chapters you've written until now, you've never mentioned how Roy looks like or how old he is. I'd love to know more about the characters, their quirks, their hobbies, maybe their back stories. I want to know how November came back to life. If I was in Roy's place, I'd ask myself this. And I understand that Simon is a third wheel, but isn't he supposed to fight for his love for November? Giving the characters a wider background makes the story more intriguing.
2- Regarding the plot: it is unique and I've never heard of such an idea for a story before; which is good; but the story events are rushed. And there's weak chemistry between November and Roy. What I don't understand is: did November lose her memory or what happened with her? I think adding her part of the story will help the readers understand more about it.
3- Regarding grammar and punctuation: there are lots of mistakes; there are also some sentences without a verb, an object, or a subject, which makes the sentence incoherent. Also pay attention to punctuation, and the difference between |their| and |there|, and the usage of countable and uncountable nouns.
Again, remember that you're doing better than everyone who is not trying, and consider this a first draft to be revised. If you need help I'm up to it cause it's our job to support each other.
Don't give up and keep going!! 😉

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Enchanting!!

To be honest with you, I haven't finished reading it yet but if I stay silent about this, I might burst out of joy.
Child of the Flowers, what a magical and captivating story!! And it's true that what a person writes tells a lot about their personality. You are a creative person with a vivid imagination and I'm really fascinated by your ability to create such a complex and colorful world. Starting from the constantly changing scenery which you never fail to deliver the image of, and ending with the characters who possess unique personalities, attitudes, and even back stories. It's the perfect amount of description, narration, and dialogue, and although the chapters are long, I feel immersed into the story and it's true that ommiting a apart or changing the outline of the chapter might ruin the flow of the story. I sympathize with Skye and especially love her determination and the care she holds for her friends although it's not yet clear to me what she's trying to do, and why does everyone hate her or feel intimidated by her. But I feel love is waiting for her just around the corner.
It's a creative story that fueled my creativity from the first chapter, and I always find myself making time to read from it.
Amazing job! Keep enchanting us with your magic!! ♡

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Way to Break the Walls!!

Firstly, congratulations on completing your first poetry book. I'm not an expert in poetry, but I believe that poets are geniuses as it's not easy to compose a meaningful poem, which brings me to the point that you did it!!
Your poems have a different flavor and it's nice to return to them when someone is feeling down. I can tell from them that you are a cheerful person who is making their way through life by hardwork, and your positivity is infectious.
I like positive people. We need more of them in this world.
Keep up the good work, for I believe that you'll come up with more captivating poems and wise words.

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Captivating!!

It's only six chapters, but I'm fuzzing with curiosity, and I could tell there's more to come. The plot is very unique and your writing style is very creative. There's a great deal of description for feelings and actions that you can feel yourself living the events with the characters (God, we've got a mean and troublesome angel to deal with and a very poor Alma who doesn't yet know what she'll come across)
The description is good but it's too much; it doesn't leave a chance for the reader to imagine how the characters are interacting.
But I'm fueled with curiosity. I wanna see Alma and Aries interacting more to reduce the amount of narration. I wanna know the mystery behind her ring, and I wanna know how things will turn out.
Great job so far!! I'm looking forward for more!! :)

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Complexity

This is really so complex! Everything is downing on Olivia one after another without giving her a chance to breath, especially her relation to Colt and how terrible he treated her. About this exact point, I would recommend you add an alert of mature content to your synopsis because some readers might find it disturbing.
Regarding your writing style, you tend to describe the feelings and thoughts of your characters pretty well and I especially like Olivia's lovable interaction with her son, that and the way you write the same scene from the perspective of another character.
There's a little problem in punctuation that can be solved by reviewing the chapter before submitting. The problem concerns narration of the story. You see, try not to use "I" too much. Imagine this: the sentences in your paragraph are like short shots that aren't yet joined to make a full scene. Try using conjunctions and passive form instead of active to make up more coherent paragraphs.
Excuse me if I sound harsh 😅 but I make it my job to give an honest feedback and be as helpful as I can to my fellow writers.
Keep up the good work and hope to read more of your stories!!

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This is gonna be fun!!

There isn't much to review, but I'm sure when there'll be more to read, my review will change depending on it. For the time being, you're doing a great job and I believe your story will be funny.
The texting names of the characters are funny and I could tell from only one chapter that there's a lot going on in their lives because through out texting you sowed us snippets of their lives. I'd love to see how the characters will evolve and interact with one another outside a texting platform, and how will they react regarding the stealing-Kate's-sock incident. Plus, there's the mysterious guy too.
What are you waiting for? Give it a go! Put a pencil to paper and let the thoughts flow!! Keep up the good work. I'm looking forward for more.

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The Unborn Joel

Hey Kookie! Good job on what you've written so far, but let be honest with you and please accept my words as an advice from a fellow reader and writer. First things first, the plot you chose for your story is unique, but it needs some polishing. You chose a horror genre for your story but honestly it didn't scare me and that's probably because you don't go quite deep into the feelings of your characters. Show us terrified characters. Let us feel racing hearts, brains running with all kinds of thoughts, palms sweating, chest caving, because that's how it feels like when you're scared. Give your characters some things that identifies them. Describe them. Their fears. Give them habits, give them something to worry about so that the readers sympathize with them and connect to them.
Second of all, the plot twists are direct and I couldn't connect the dots to how this lead to that. Like when I read that Jaxon is Micheal and I thought *why didn't we get a hint?* The chapters were rushed at first and I couldn't wrap my mind around what's happening. Try using one tense when writing and note the usage of either the first or third person (especially in Caroline's POV)
I might sound harsh 😅 but I want to be honest. Anyway, you're doing much better than anyone who isn't trying. Keep up the good work and I'm looking forward to read your future works!!

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WOW WOW WOW!!!

Honestly, I can't seem to be able to put it down. Your story is amazing! The plot is unique and I very much like how rich the description of the settings and Alexa's emotions is. I actually like her annoying demeanor and I find her funny. The way you composed your story helps the reader get a bigger picture of what's happening. It's like I can see myself there, living with Alexa each moment of her life and watching how her life changes and getting attached to her. It's a beautiful story and I'm looking forward for more! Great job!! :)

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Ray of Sunshine

For a person who's native language isn't English, you are doing a good job not giving up, but since my job is to give an honest review, I'm gonna point out some things.
Firstly, while telling your story, you have to use one tense of verbs, either the present or the past. Do not mix the two tenses while you're telling events that are happening in one tense or time. There are also other complex tenses like past participle that you should pay attention to. There is verb and even word confusion for example in chapter 19, you mean to use *abandoned* instead of *abundant* to describe that the house has been left for a long time.
Secondly, pay attention to punctuation marks. Read what you've written before submitting and note where to add a coma (for a pause) and where to add a point (for a full stop) because otherwise the reader will be confused.
Thirdly, the flow of the story is very fast and the events are rushed, you gotta slow down and describe a bit about the characters feelings.
That's all I've gotta tell you. You're doing a much better job than anyone who isn't trying and I'm sure I'll return to your story once polished. If you need any help, don't feel shy of asking, we are here to support you. :)

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Partners in Arson

Good job on writing your story so far! It makes me curious and it's easy to read (not only because of the short chapters that make a good reading mood) but because you clearly conveyed character's thoughts and feelings without making things complicated.
Add to all this, the flow of the story is the reason I couldn't put it down till I finished it.
I loved Ethan the most; his attitude is attractive. I like characters that start off as having a bad or suspicious behavior but turn out to be a big softie.
Regarding grammar and mistakes, you can revise your chapters before submitting and you'll be ready to go. Nice work and keep going!! :)

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Wow!!

I don't know where to start exactly but you got me genuinely curious. You introduced the characters clearly and made us understand their thoughts and feelings vividly. The plot is unique and even though I still don't quite get what's happening but this is what mystery is about. Looking forward to more chapters! Keep the good work! :)

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Very Nice!!

I seriously couldn't put it down before finishing the chapters you wrote. Your writing style is smooth and I like the flow of the story. I like to read stories with the feeling that you can't get enough of it and this is what I got when I was reading yours. The story plot isn't clear yet and I sense a bit of mystery. I would love to continue reading this! Nice work and looking forward for more! :)

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Intriguing!

I keep reading and reading and reading and suddenly I'm into the next chapter. I can't stop reading! Your writing style makes the reader forget about the length of the chapter and I love how you use numbers in Irish to number your chapters; it's unique.
About rambling, don't worry about it. I understand how it feels when you wanna provide a rich description and a vivid picture of what the character has in mind.
Your work is great and I'm looking forward for more! Keep going! :)

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Don't Look Down

Your story is like a smooth ride. Chapters could be a bit longer, but I can't stop reading!! I love how simply and clearly you convey character's thoughts and I want to know how things will progress for each of them. Looking forward to more!!

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Magnificant!

It's been a long time since I've read fantasy, but i found myself fascinated with your story. The story idea is unusual and your writing style is attractive, but there are lots of characters and places that I feel lost. I think through out the coming chapters I'll be able to understand more. It's a very nice story and I'm looking forward to more. Nice job!!

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Oh wow!!

Oh. My. God! First of all I read the second book before the first by mistake, but I liked both. It's quite an amazing sneak peak. Definitely makes me want to read more! You have a great story and a vivid imagination, and I want to read your story in the future. Nice work!!

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