To begin with, I liked this. Striking imagery and careful sentence construction with a brilliant concept as its base, it works. A few run on sentences and the odd clunky sentence aside it's a technically impressive short.
Read the story now
But I'm left asking myself why. To what purpose were you working towards? Perhaps it's just late and I'm missing something, but I'm left with the feeling that this was simply an exercise with no purpose beyond that. Not that it's an issue if that was the goal, but it none the less makes me feel sad, because I feel this could be more.
But it reminds me of Kafka in a sense, so great company to be in if you ask me.