An amazing storyline but ignorantly developed.
This is my second time reviewing this book, as I have noticed the writer didn't seem to notice her mistakes, I just want to let her know where she can improve.
Read the story now
The writer knows that most of the reviews under this book are given without even going into the story and just for a review back.
The preview repels the reader with its discontinuity, but still, I managed to barge in. I noticed a fantastic thought process but the development is miserable. I have to mention that there are too many mistakes for a native English speaker, but I hope you will edit them out. ( "favourites show" should be "favourite show", "coco pops" should be capitalised (cause it's a brand affiliated name) ) These are just examples but there are a lot like these, you need to put a lot of work into editing your book. I suggest you to stop dividing your paragraph into so many sentences, it just diverts people from the plot and makes it a bad read, I should appreciate the characterisation, but again the writer spoiled it with short sentences and unnecessary punctuation marks. As a non-native speaker, I was able o find so many mistakes in your book, so I guess you should try and put more work into editing. ( reduce the usage of unnecessary exclamatory marks).
The tone of the character is too formal for a kid, and it didn't feel like I'm reading the point of view of a school going kid. The development of the world is also not so good as readers won't expect the colour of curtains, the brand of sneakers, and the word "grey gaming controller" in a kid's perspective. ( Kid's who love playing games call it as joystick or gamepad or just controller.) but I guess I can let that pass, I just want the writer to understand that she should look at things as her character does. ( "pointing a finger to where he was stood" should be "pointing a finger to where he stood/was standing")
you should concentrate more on understanding your character and editing, you are being blind to your own mistakes while correcting others, I know that's hectic, but take some time to groom yourself too.
Have fun writing and let's improve together.