sideshowben

Getting better

So far, the plot is fairly confusing. I'm not hooked. I'm not sure what the stakes are or why things are happening. The dialogue isn't bad. I don't think the characters are distinct yet. There's some background given, but it's not in depth enough to give us insight into the characters motivations. There are some bits of dialogue that are meant to be pithy, but come off as inauthentic. I do think this story has potential and that the writing gets better the farther into the book I read. I'm intrigued by the most recent chapter and the body issues coming up in it. Looking forward to reading more as it comes out.

I'm in.

I'm definitely in so far. The description of a drive through as a battle is anything and fun. I care about Dave. I want to find out what happens next. So far, the writing is quite good.

Lots of potential

The line I found most arresting was the blade wading into flesh. Great image and nice play with the sounds. I think your poetry has a lot of potential. You're certainly capturing emotional tone well. One thing I think you could add here would be some specificity. Right now it's difficult to make a connection to this relationship because we know so little about it. Who is he? Why can't you be together? That kind of thing. That would give me more of a way to hold onto the poem and more of a connection. It's good as is, but that's just something I thought of as I was reading.

Thanks for sharing.

Excellent defamiliarization

I'm not sure what the stakes are yet. That's one issue here. I get that the protagonist might die at some point, but I need more than that. I need to know what the specific danger is. Is it that she might become too self-absorbed like Hyacinthus? Is it that Apollo might kill her? Basically, something threatening or tension raising needs to happen in the first chapter or so. Aside from that, I'm in on the plot because the author has done a nice job defamiliarizing a high school. Everything is slightly strange. This story runs the risk of being a Harry Potter or Percy Jackson knock-off, but it avoids that by resisting many of the tropes present in those stories. It also resists traditional contemporary high school tropes. Everything is just strange enough to make the story interesting. Kudos for that! Can't wait to read more and unravel the mystery.

That dream sequence though

The grammar errors are distracting, but this story has incredible potential. Fantastic plot thus far, though there's more standing around than I would like. I just want to get out on the water! That dream sequence is so ridiculously good. It's creepy and tense and well written. I was so in. I'm almost disappointed it wasn't real. I hope it's a sign of things to come for this story.

Nicely detailed and exciting

I'm definitely into the plot. There is a great cast of characters and the story is massive. I love epic tales and this is certainly an epic. The one solid piece of criticism I have is about the world building. You often interrupt the story to add details that contribute to the world but not too the plot. I'm a huge fan of getting world building details as I go. So less stopping to describe what everyone is wearing and more revealing those details through the story. That's my two cents. Keep going. You're doing great.