Can be improved

"An interesting introduction to the story, but there is much which could be improved. First there is too much here. Second, it spends too much time off Delano, surely a minor character since this is romance erotic, he’s gay and the lead is female. Third, I don’t know what ‘fundi’ means, though can guess from context. Fourth, it shows the female lead taking inappropriate advantage of her employee. Paragraphs are too long. It is sometimes unclear who is talking and different people are talking in the same paragraph. As I couldn’t tell who was talking, and therefore what was happening, I did not complete reading the passage."