My Letter To You

It was January 28, 2019, that's the day that my life changed. I had just turned 20 when I got pregnant with you. I hadn't graduated yet, I didn't have a job, and I was homeless. I was so unprepared physically to be a mother and I definitely went into a panic. Emotionally and mentally I was definitely ready though. I knew I didn't want to repeat the same cycle as my mother.

So I enrolled at Flex and got on the fast track to get my Diploma. I went and got a 2 bedroom apartment in Wedgewood and got a job at Shoe Show. I was so excited to have you cause you are the one thing I wanted most out of life. You were my missing piece to complete me. I immediately started buying things to go in your room. Me and Austin started picking out names. If you were a girl your name was going to be Joyce Lynnette, Joyce after Austin's Grandmother and Lynnette after my mother. If you were a boy your name was going to be Jamari Lee, Jamari after my baby brother Jamarion who was a stillborn and Lee after Austin. Everybody was so excited to meet you. Your cousin Kaden had even given you the nickname Nugget. I remember being overjoyed and extremely excited to go to my first baby appointment on February 20, 2019.

February 8th I started feeling real bad cramps. I ignored them cause google said it was normal to feel a little discomfort. I wasn't ready in any way shape or form for what came next. By February 10th the cramps had become almost unbearable. At first I couldn't understand what was going on. I had always heard of miscarriages but I never in my wildest dreams thought for one second that it would happen to me.

I remember feeling numb and just kind of going through the motions, nothing felt real. I turned on the shower and sat in the tub, letting the water run over my head. I stayed like that for a good 2 to 3 hours. I cried for what seemed like forever and I thought I would never stop crying. I damn near fell out while taking my bloody jeans to the outside dumpster. I stayed in bed and cut everybody completely off for a good month.

I never knew that I could love someone so much without ever even meeting them. I had been sad and even heart broken before but this felt different. The pain that I felt hurt more than just my heart, it hurt physically. I was so sad and depressed that it literally physically hurt inside and out. I felt like nothing mattered. I didn't know if I was ever going to feel ok again. Eventually that stabbing pain I felt in my chest turned into a dull ache.

I never really talk about how I truly feel about the whole situation. Mainly because I don't really know what to say or how I really feel about it. That's why I'm writing this letter to you. I never knew that a child that I never met could have such an impact on me. Hell you weren't even fully developed, you were still only an egg. But I think it's cause I knew who you were going to be. I knew that you were going to grow into a baby, but not just any baby. You were going to be my baby, and not to be biased or anything but that's a pretty freaking awesome baby. Even though you didn't make it to this world. I just want you to know that, you would have been the best baby ever. You would have gotten so much love that you wouldn't have known what to do with it. And I would have been the proudest parent in the world. I love you so much Nugget!