Chapter 1| A Burden
I curl into a ball, clutching my throbbing head as my teeth grind, fluttering open eyes.
My head! My fucking head is killing me, what time is it?
I force myself upright as I gaze over to the mahogany nightstand turning the alarm over.
8:47 am, an hour behind.
Rolling out of bed and dashing over to the shower catching a glimpse in the mirror.
I don't think any concealer in the world can cover these dark circles.
Entering the shower I release my burdens and prepare for the day. Once fully clothed in a beige pantsuit and my hair pulled into a high puff I head for the refrigerator.
Nothing to eat.
I walk over to the obsidian dining room table and grab my phone.
Please pick up Mya. Please.
I drive the nail of my thumb into my index finger as I shift my weight around.
"Hello? Elise?"
"Good morning Mya, I'm sorry but are you available to take me to the market?"
Aren't you tired of burdening her? I am but I -- I need this.
"Sorry Ell , I have to go in early."
I released the breath I didn't know I was holding. "It's alright Mya."
"Perhaps I can take you after work?"
You shouldn't have to work around me.
"No, it's fine, I think I should try going alone."
"Are you sure?"
I force a smile and lighten my voice. "Oh course I am."
"I'm glad you've decided to take this big step."
I mute myself to catch my breath. "Well it's been over five years now, I need to move on."
"I'm happy you're trying to reclaim your freedom but don't be too hard on yourself."
I swallow before responding. "I won't. Bye Mya."
"Bye Ell!"
I hang up and hold still to steady my shaking hand.
You'll be fine just making it to the car.
I take a deep breath, bracing myself for the chaos ahead. I enter the car and pull out of the driveway, taking the fastest route to the market.
Relax, it's still rather early, so many won't be there. I should park across the street to be safe.
I walk to the corner preparing to cross the street.
Don't focus on them, they're just trying to get to where they need to go.
The light flashes green and I scurry across the street. After slipping past a few hoards I finally enter the market and complete a quick survey of the land.
Everyone seems fairly distanced and they appear in their own world.
I make my way to the pastries section and begin to read what they have to offer.
Raspberry danishes, sweet potato bread - I'll take this. What else do they have?
Feeling a presence behind me,and I feel my throat tense. I side step to create room.
This is enough room, why so close?
The presence inches closer and extends its arm over me; I drop the basket and elbow the figure. I couldn't see anything.
I have to fight! Not again! Not again!
I move my hands to my throat, clawing for air and screaming for mercy. The presence moves closer and I kick at the air to fend it off.
"Ma'am please relax, you are fine."
I continue to release every terror I've ever experienced.
The presence moves closer and I roll under the pastry display. Gasping for air, I take in the perpetrator, a six two brown man wearing a three piece suit.
He closes in and squats down and extends his hand. "Ma'am please, I'm sorry, let me help you up."
I look around and see all the bystanders watching me.
They think I'm crazy, they think something is wrong with me. I 've made a fool of myself.
I don't accept it, I slap away his hand . I pull myself up and begin walking to the exit of the market.
I refuse to look weak in front of him. The way he smiled at me was so condescending, trying to make me look like some idiot.
I roll the tinted windows up and bury my face in my hands, my chest caving in.
I hate it here.
I don't know what colors were which lights but I know I made home.
Back to safety.
I run to the bathroom and relieve my stress, I claw at my throat as the burning bile rises, finally I give in and throw up all my troubles and sit on the white tiled floor next to the toilet. Picking up my phone, I ring Mya.
"Hell-"
I cut her off. "Mya I tried - I really tried but I went to the market and - and I-I was looking at the pastries and he- he."
I just began crying. I couldn't hold it back. I'm burdening her again..be quiet already. Children cry not you.
"Elise, you know I love you right?"
I mute myself so she wouldn't hear me sob.
"I - I think it's time you explore therapy...There's this renowned doctor that I think you should look into...his name is Muhammad Rosen he's a renowned psychiatrist I have already made an appointment for you, please go. It hurts me to see you like this."
"I'm fine, I just need a little more time and I'll bounce back."
" Ell it’s been years…You can bounce back with the addition help from Dr.Rosen..please go"
Mya deserves to live her life without me constantly asking for help or me crying to her.
"Alright when is it?" I sigh.
"It's on Thursday."
So you've been planning to get me out of your hair.
"But today is Tuesday!"
"Best of luck sis gotta go."
And she hung up on me.
I guess I'll just have to use instacart to get my groceries for the week.
I opened my laptop to look into this Muhammad Rosen. Articles upon articles telling of all the great works the doctor has done. He seems to specialize in those with disorders and phobias.
What does he look like?
1,000,000,000 Results
My eyes turned into saucers. That's the man from the market! I have an appointment with him!! No, no, no I can't. But I promised Mya.
I closed my laptop and tracked my order.
Your order arrived 15 minutes ago.
I open my penthouse door and grab the groceries and unpack. I open my phone and check the time ,3:00pm.
Was I really searching the web about this man for 4 hours?! What is he like as a psychiatrist? Are those great recoveries true? I should just try to eat something..
I pulled out some salmon ,mixed veggies and lemons. I baked the salmon and sauteed the vegetables. Made my plate and went back to writing. I check the time once more and it's 10:00pm and I've been writing for six hours?! And my work still isn't finished.
I gave up and headed back to my room and called it a night.
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"Do you need a ride home?"
"No thank you, I'm fine I'll just catch lyft."
City blocks are longer at night than what they seem in the day. The cool fall hits my face and creates a gentle breeze under my deep orange dress.
The night is beautiful isn't it? I wish it could stay like this forever!
I jump,skip and twirl down the empty street.I turn to an empty playground and then....
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"Elise! Elise! Are you okay?"
I awake to the sensation of being shook and open my eyes to see a panicked Mya over me. My face feels moist.
"Yes, I'm fine Mya" As I sit up in my bed and place my head in my palm.
Its a migraine
"You were smiling then next you started to cry in your sleep. If you didn't whimper I wouldn't have noticed it."
I made her concerned again. I'm sorry Mya. I lift my head from my palm to speak.
"Mya why are you here?Should you be out with your husband?"
Mya takes a step back and bends down towards me.
"You think I'm just going to go out and enjoy my night when my friend called me crying?! I came to check on you?"
"I'm fine Mya you should go and enjoy yourself"
"Are you sure?"
Why does she sound so sad
"Of course I am."
After Mya leaves I return back to bed to sleep.
