As You May Have Noticed...
...Everything is going fine. I may be chained upside down from a cliff with a dragon breathing beneath me but I am fine, simply fine.
Alright, this was six sides of legs up.
Still, as the first princess, I cannot give in to my circumstances and must retain calm. I look back down to my apparent demise. The scaled beast rolls giant eyes up at me, pausing in its fire breathing. It grins with some teeth as large as my forearm. I have very dainty forearms, but they convert into very imposing teeth.
“Oh, princess,” the beast says, “are you not pleased with my hospitality?”
“In the current circumstances, I have no choice but to find agreement with my fine host!” I say.
Indoctrinated politeness escaping comes out as a jibe of its own, even as I hadn’t planned it.
The beast snaps at my hair.
“But how else could I eat you, dear?” the dragon says. “I do not excite myself on extreme exercise before dinner.”
“Surely the meal is too small?” I say.
As if I were not the meal. A small part of me thinks I might be small, but I would be very filling. Another part tells that one to be silent.
“What of the many knights and soldiers in my father’s castle?” I say. “Surely they would make a better meal in that trap of a castle.”
Maybe the prowling scaled beast below me is stupid, I think. By all things good, let it be dumb. Dumb as a pile of pebbles.
It rumbles a laugh. Like those tigers gifted to us from afar. A terrifying noise of joy.
“Many a knight will come for you anyways, in hope I would not have eaten you,” it says. “I do look forward to cracking them out of their armor cooked.”
I shook as my racing heart pumped more blood into my head.
“I can give you all of my dowry!” I say.
“But that’s why I’m going to eat you,” the dragon says, “I’ll take your shape and steal all your dowry myself.”
“Inconceivable!” I say.
Hope, as if one of father’s knights had galloped down the slope to the rescue, rushed into me. Or maybe it was the blood pressure getting to me.
“Yes,” it says, “I am very vicious.”
Its voice rolled with pride at this. I, too know of the sin named pride. I let out a laugh myself. Like toy chimes next to the beasts, but it snaps to attention as I wanted.
“You?” I say. “Imitate me?”
“Do you think I cannot?” It says.
So are the words spoken that the beast snaps into a lady like myself. Same shape, height, color, and flatness of the chest. I do my best to nod down at it.
“Impressive!” I say. “But can you recite to me the 86 rules of etiquette by Lord Desmond Heatclar?”
“What--
“Do you know how to sew the five stitches to a sunflower? The proper way to sit, or even where to sit at my father’s table? The eight most common chain dances with ladies? The five most common dances with a prince?” I say. “Without these, you might not get past the gate, with my face or not!”
I start to see spots of blue.
“I can still eat you!” she says
Her face, my face that is, contorts into a scowl.
Unseemly behavior for royalty, I think.
“But the knights will only come so long before they stop,” I say. “And how could you give up at the first sign of an obstacle? Is the gold of my father’s land not good enough? Is your intellect not greater than any man? Besides, I am certain you could learn it expediently. With a teacher.”
Assorting knowledge of dragons became a high priority when dealing with my death. And I was taught in ways of diplomacy.
The beast took one of my fine long nails to pick between its teeth. The sharp things splayed out of her mouth in erratic directions. A display to traumatize.
“And this teacher would be you?” She says.
“Of course,” I say, “Who better to teach you to than the real deal?”
She scoffed but lifted the boulder at the end of the chain. Her strength remained in any form, but I scream as the ground rushes towards me. And it halts, as the beast continues to torment me instead of ending my life.
I’m lowered to the ground in shocked relief. As soon as I look up, however, she is there. Her shoulders and face squared as an animal in intimidation.
“Do you think me such a fool as to play along with your trick to run away?” She says.
I make my most outraged expression, a widening of the eyes and small flaring of the nostrils.
“Do you think that the great I, the daughter of King Temenedes the Fifth, Princess Ayenella would deign to have a beast play my part?” I say. “I help you out of pity, Dragon. So that your plan doesn’t embarrass us both in the writings of future generations.”
Of all things, a dragon must understand pride. But all the dragon princess shows is a grin full of my teeth this time.
“Then what would you have me learn?” she asks.
Without hesitation, I grab her chin to readjust its positioning.
“Never smile with your teeth showing,” I say. “Relax your shoulders, and keep your face level.”
She complied with a bit of her own shock to her face. It may be a simple thing to win poker when most of the beast’s expressions are unreadable to the other players. But the serpent truly reached past all other mages in transforming itself physically. I now easily read the expressions of her face.
Marvelous, I think, either its playing me, or its off balance. Either I’ll be eaten in a bite or I’ll be free. I’ll be free. I demand it.
I rattle off rule after rule almost in a daze. I heard them everyday for ten years, so it was with ease. To my rising horror, the dragon effortlessly recited all 86 of them back at me. It even copied the cadence I had stolen from my teacher.
This ruse will not last long, I think.
“Excellent,” I say. “But a true challenge to your abilities is yet to come, the rules of dining.”
“Such a paltry thing won’t prove a problem,” she says.
“Of course,” I say.
I nod at her. Then stand in silence.
“Well?” She demands.
“Well, what?” I say.
“Teach me, fool,” she says.
“With what table, seats, and plates, fool?” I say.
“Dare you to insult me?” she says.
“I dare anything to the one who wants me to teach dining etiquette without a table,” I say.
“Then skip it,” she says.
I allow my true fear to escape from my face.
“I cannot teach you dancing or sewing before dining!” I say. “That just won’t be. Frankly, all etiquette builds off of Lord Heatclar, but the dancing rules build off of the dining rules. Besides, as me you will have to dine. Why not get them done in the proper order?”
“So I am to materialize a dining table here?” the beast says.
I freeze as my blood turns to ice. Like a carved doll, I smile. The face I fall into when unsure.
Can it do that? I think. It can change shape. From all damnation and evil stars!
“No!” I say. “What ill-manners befitting a beast! To use magic to set a table!”
There was nothing rude about magic, if the beast was capable it would be treated as the most honored of guests. I throw my hopes into its ignorance of such things, which proved my greatest ally.
“Fine, I will grab the table,” she says, “and be back before you have time to flee.”
“Only the finest will do,” I say.
The beast again becomes a winged slithering beast, towering over me with legs like columns. It is good I have said all I needed to say because my voice constricts inside my throat. The gust of wind from its first beat knocks me onto the ground. I try to keep my expression as impassive as possible as I watch the dragon leave. I get to my feet and even give a little wave.
Boy, I think, that dragon is faster than it has any right to be.
As soon as its shape is over the horizon, helped greatly by the cliff, I lift my skirt and book it for all I’m worth.
As a princess, I’m worth a lot.
But Dennis, the poor squire I roped into all this business, and the horse we borrowed are worth far, far more. I trip over him in their hiding spot instead of actually finding them.
“Dennis! Dennis!” I say. “You were right! That was a dragon!”
“I told you!” he says. “Let’s get out of this dreadful place!”
Finer words I had never heard spoken.
As we ride away, I could almost hear a fierce cry in the distance. I shiver. At every moment I imagine the flames, the teeth, and utter viciousness that came a hairs width from my demise.
Yes, I think, I am never going searching for dragons again.
