About the human experience

Today I did a good deed.

I was passing by with my car when the corner of my eye caught a small under nourish dog curled up on top of a pile of cardboard boxes. His owner, a derelict, had a worried frown. Beautiful blue eyes popped with the amount of ash and dirt accumulated on his face. His tired arms continued holding a small sign: We are hungry.

How desensitized we are as a society, that we avoid looking into the eyes of pain. Are we too self-absorbed to handle other emotions other than the ones in our inner world?

My heart shrank as I did a fast screening of my surroundings before the light turned green. I had nothing else to offer that man but a small apple resting in the bottom of my bag, the afternoon snack I scheduled to eat and soon forgot to accomplish, pretty much as the rest of my calendar’s unchecked list.

Yes, my to-do list. I thought while swallowing heavily, making no change in my dry mouth.

Did I forget to drink water again? That was another item I had to write on my calendar for tomorrow.

Helping felt like a soothing ache. Eventually, the discomfort feeling returned to stay, and I watched how that puzzled emotion played around my psyche without being able to identify it.

Do you know that overwhelming fear that crushes your soul and existence? The one that screams in your chest that you are not doing enough.

When the pressure is boiling and can either send you to heaven or hell in one single day depending on your performance and on how well you got stick to superhuman habits.

and ...then it comes, that one item, the task you can’t tackle on time, and sends your whole existence into a pitiful fall.

Well, it’s not just a list for me.

Do you see? It’s what keeps me moving. It is what lets me know that if I continue if I don’t stop...eventually that 0.1 percent each day will sum up into results.

How is it that taking full responsibility for yourself can be the most overwhelming experience if you decide to give it your all?

I guess that I’m explaining failure to myself and the terrifying fear of staying in it forever. Swimming in a thick pond.

No one is going to save me.

I’m more afraid that no one will save me from myself if I don’t achieve my list.

I call this...the hell of overachievers. Do you see it again?

We are addicted. We need that high and are happy hamsters on a wheel as long as it continues rolling. Secretly, we reject ourselves when we lack disciple and not delivering is punishment enough.

Let me rephrase. When we don’t deliver, we can become the most depressing creatures on earth.

I soon got home not even realizing how much time I spent in traffic. That is what happens when you live in your head. You just lose track of time and existence.

I arrived home and parked my car, jumping right away into the elevator. The thick stainless steel walls were too modern in comparison to the old building. The cheap smell of multi-purpose lavender cleaner filled my nostrils.

Am I the most depressing creature on earth?

Not to people. I know they perceive me as pleasant.

The doors opened with a smiling man. My cute neighbor. Yes, I remember him. Last time I saw him he was wearing a cool sweater. He always wore something trendy and cozy. I found funny the back message: Look mom I can fly.

He continued smiling at me as I got out of the elevator. His blonde hair groomed to a side gave him a polished and polite look. Why does he seem happy to see me? Maybe he is a happy person?

Nope, all he got from me was a thin-line lip greeting with a nod. Years before, that smile would have made me self-conscious, making me suck my belly and act flirty. Now? Now I don’t feel the need to impress or play a role.

I didn’t even feel the need to think about him at all. I continued walking a couple of steps to the left hallway until I reached my apartment replaying in my head my insignificant contribution to the world. Today I gave an apple.

I sighed.

Is this why the wealthy give their money away? To fill the void? To gain meaning? To selfishly use others and alleviate the pain that comes with being human.

Is the selfless man truly selfless if he gains by giving? Does the altruist build his godly concept of purpose through the miseries of others?

Is the selfless man truly selfless?

We are just animals. Thinking animals. Thinking that our main existence is grandiose, that what we work to achieve is great.

That we can create and live in meaning.

Just like the apple.

Small fragments on a ball of dirt, dancing around more than 200 billion galaxies. Here we are on our planet, borrowing time and building our concept of self.

All in an attempt to escape our imminent truth. We are dying apes.

Nothing of what we do truly matters in the infinity of the whole cosmos.