Fireflies

I nervously bite the inside of my cheek so hard that I flinch at the harsh sensation. Brett is pacing back and forth from the closet to the suitcases, filling to the top, unaware of my anguish. He hasn’t stopped talking.

“Breathe,” I say. He stops and looks me right in the face before taking a massive breath and releasing it.

“Thanks,” he responds. “I can’t wait to see the guys from the rugby team. They are looking forward to. . .”

And, I zone out as he tells me this same story, again, for the... screw it, I lost count.

We’ve been preparing for this upcoming week and it’s going to be an absolute shit show wrapped in bacon. And, I’m sitting front row.

During the initial planning of our wedding, this idea wasn’t even on our radar. Both of our parents expected a large, elegant, and expensive wedding but that’s just not who we are.

My parents haven’t come right out and said anything but I have a nagging feeling that they are disappointed in what we’ve decided to do. Robbing them of their only daughter’s perfect white, and luxurious wedding day.

Kyle, one of my older brothers, surprised the hell out of us all six months ago when he married my high school best friend, Cameron. It was a last-minute wedding on Christmas day, married by someone who looked like Santa, and then had a light saber war in the middle of the street. Nerds. . . but it did prompt the conversation between Brett and me about what we wanted. I only wanted my family there and Brett wants to make it a time we wouldn’t forget.

The morning of Kyle’s wedding, I was in a little bit of an anxiety fit. On the verge of hyperventilating, I ended up asking Kyle if he thought it was too fast for him or Cameron, or if he cared what people thought.

“This life is too short to care what anyone else thinks,” he proudly told me. I then watched as he snatched the glow-in-the-dark wedding bands that had been sitting under a lamp for hours and stumbled down the hallway, almost stumbling down the stairs. I stood with my mouth wide open and realized he was the wrong person to ask for advice. I should’ve called Cameron. But, he’s right.

When I gave him the green light to see Cameron, he made sure to make it the best of the week of their lives, which ended with them getting married. I didn’t expect one date to roll into a marriage. But holy space balls batman, I was envious of how carefree they both are.

They weren’t always that way.

Cameron was so reserved in high school, but she is the only real friend that I ever had. She describes me as a popular girl in high school but I really wasn’t. I knew a lot of people but in all honesty, they would talk to me because I am the youngest Frank. They either wanted to date my brothers, be friends with anyone of them, or be a part of something they were scheming up. My older brothers know how to make a name for themselves, and back in high school, it was no different. But Cameron didn’t do any of that. She was my first, and only, real friend.

I’m glad she’s back in my life, or else these last six months would’ve been absolute hell. She’s endured my roller coaster of emotional rants. The poor thing never knew what kind of Jackie she was getting when she answered the phone. And, she answered every single time.

I am lost in a high school memory of when I was sitting on my bathroom floor, sweating from an anxiety attack. My body shook while I whispered calming affirmations. Cameron walked in and just sat next to me. Her arm loops under mine and her hand rests on my elbow. Cameron rested her head on my shoulder and silently waited until I calmed down enough to either go back to bed or we would stay up all night raiding the fridge. One night we snuck out of the house and walked for what felt like hours through our neighborhood.

I developed anxiety freshman year when a senior girl spread a rumor that I was a whore for asking out her senior crush. The thing was, I didn’t ask anyone out and I had no idea who her crush was. I later found out that she asked Gary out on a date and he turned her down. Not only turned her down but embarrassed her.

"Rose. Any other flower smells just as sweet unless you are Rose. Then you smell like a dirty diaper.”

And, she lost it. Like, a squealing pig when picked up. Gary said she was thirsting too hard. When he heard of the rumor, he put it to rest which only amplified his popularity. Girls swooned as he calmly called Rose immature. Rose’s best friend, Amelia, tried to defend her but Gary was having none of it. Poor Amelia was caught in the middle. At the time I didn’t understand the why of any part of their conversation, but as an adult, and having a hot-ass fiance, I get it.

My senior year is when Kyle told me he thought Cameron was super cute. They had some flirtatious looks and I went on the defense. I couldn’t handle the thought of a friend and a brother being anything more. I couldn’t lose Cameron like that. I told him no and to leave my friend alone. I also said I’d tell her that he had herpes if he so much as mentioned a crush on her or complimented her.

And as soon as we went to college we lost touch. Space seemed like the only logical thing I could think of so my best friend wouldn’t be with my brother. I wouldn’t feel so. . . used? I don’t know if that’s the right word because she wouldn’t use me, but it was close enough. I kept myself busy with a hectic schedule, and she seemed so happy in the posts she put on social media. She didn’t post a lot but when she did, she looked content. . . accomplished. I was jealous.

Then came Brett. He was popular, especially with the women on campus. A large rugby player on a championship-winning team. He’s the kind of man that can pick a woman up and not shed a single drop of sweat. Not even a grunt. I mentally fist-bump the air. Ladies, that is what I’m talking about.

He pursued me heavily but I refused to give in. Every time he started a conversation with me a new girl would pop up and grab his arm trying to pull his attention. They’d stand next to me with their tits out trying to get his attention. “Oh my god, Brett! Remember at the frat party when. . .” and that was the moment I’d roll my eyes and walk away. I didn’t want to hear how the hot guy standing in front of me was partying and flirting with these insanely hot women. He stuttered through the conversation trying to politely walk away from them. By the time he could get away, I was long gone.

One late-night study session was interrupted when he snuck into the all-girls dorm and stood outside my door whisper-yelling for me to open. I scrambled around to make myself look somewhat presentable before I opened the door. You know the normal stuff. Ripped the hair tie that was holding up my rat’s nest of hair and fluffed my knotted locks, pinched my cheeks, and cleaned the chocolate from the sides of my mouth. I asked how he was able to get into the all-girls dorm and he smugly dismissed my questions by starting a debate with me on why I should give him a chance. It intrigued me so I debated back why I shouldn’t. He ultimately won with, “It’s because I’m fat. . . right?” He’s not fat, he’s like a massive bear but he’s not fat. I stumbled over words and then had a spiral word vomit, and admitted that he was, in fact, my type of man. I didn’t get another word in about the excess of women banging down his door before he slung me over his shoulder and stomped loudly through the hallway. His big man giggle had me in stitches as he carried me like a caveman out of the dorm and into his friend’s car he borrowed. We rode around for hours on campus before grabbing a dollar ice cream cone from a drive-through restaurant. College life meant scrapping for dollars here and there. I will say that was my favorite date we ever had. Simple and pure. Before all the bull shit of life hit us in the face like a two-by-four.

We’ve been inseparable since then. That is until six months ago when I went to my hometown for Christmas and told him to go stay with his family. We fought for weeks over the way his mom treated me. I don’t know what I ever did to make her dislike me but she would say awful things when Brett wasn’t around. The one time he did hear, he halfway defended his mom and halfway supported me. I had enough and told him we should spend the holiday separately. His agreement tore me to the bone.

Each day apart was excruciating. I missed him even though we fought so much. That was until the night I saw photos on his mom’s social media pages of Brett with his ex-girlfriend, Lindsey, which brought me to my knees. Brett isn’t on social media so I took screenshots of what his mom posted and sent it to him. Pictures of ex-bish with her arms around Brett. Every. Single. Picture. What hurt more was seeing the smile adorning his face as he looked at her. Insecurities swamp any logical state of mind I once had. Comments of how sweet of a couple they are and glad they finally found their way back to one another flooded her page. I took a screenshot of everything and sent it to Brett. I followed up said pictures with; I hope she makes you happy. She seems to fit in with your family better than me!

Confused and hurt, Brett calls consistently until I finally pick up the phone. Continuously asking what the fuck was happening. Tired of fighting and feeling like I just won’t make the cut, I told him we should go our separate ways and then hung up. I couldn’t find the strength to stay on the phone for whatever he might tell me.

The next night my family dragged me from my cave to the Zoo. Insisting that we try to make peace with Cameron’s parents. Kyle had it bad for her and really wanted to make it work. I reluctantly agreed. And I’m so glad I did. Gobsmacked at watching my brother get down on one knee and propose with a tiny elephant figurine to my childhood best friend was so sweet. Well, it was until Josh and Gary ruined it by just talking.

This man showed up, and I mean showed up. In the aftermath of a massive blowout fight between him and me about his mother’s treatment, I seriously thought we were done. Brett’s deep voice carried over the crowd. Hushing them immediately. He took a last-minute flight to Pennsylvania to come to see me, wanting to save our relationship. Turns out Gary kept him in the loop with where we were. Not only texting him the phone location but pictures of my miserable self. My god, couldn’t Gary at least put a filter on the camera? Baggy eyes are not attractive.

But, all of that fell to the wayside the moment I was back in Brett’s arms. His promise to uninvite his mom from the wedding was sweet but there is no way I could ever make him choose. We decided to keep the wedding on the back burner until after the new year when we could properly have a sit-down talk everything through. That idea lasted until Kyle and Cameron’s wedding.

“Fuck it. We are getting married,” he whispered in my ear while we watch Kyle and Cameron smack lightup wands. They could use a course in coordination because watching them was painful.

“Okay,” I happily agreed.

Since then, he’s been on cloud nine.

The week before Christmas felt like I was walking a tightrope of emotions. A weight had settled in my gut just thinking of spending the holiday week apart and that he was going to his mom’s house which I wasn’t invited to. She wanted one last holiday with just the family before he and I were married. That feeling of “this is it, this is when it ends” surrounded me while I sat on the floor and had to listen to him recount his evening with his family. My hand covered my mouth to mask the sobs that escaped. I prayed he didn’t hear my pain. His mom had invited his ex-girlfriend to their Christmas party, knowing he and I were engaged and proceeded to insinuate that his ex and he should really be together. His ex, Courtney, didn’t help matters either. She expressed sorrow for breaking up with him during their first year in college. They had dated since they were in middle school and she wanted to live before settling down. She was finally ready to take that step and he was the right guy.

Courtney posted pictures of them two at the dinner party with her hand around his massive bicep and even in one picture he had his arm around her shoulder. His mom happily smiled with the three of them in one of the photos and that was my breaking point. His mom, Ruth, refused to take any photos with me and Brett because I would be in the photo.

I know his smile didn’t reach his eyes like it does when he looks at me, but it all was a lot to look at and hear in one evening. He was tired and frustrated the entire week leading up to the holiday. Frustration got the best of us and when he mentioned a break from fighting I only heard the word “break”.

Brett and I were laying in bed scrolling through his Tiktok when this reel played about a wedding at a summer camp. The high-pitched hyena laugh that followed had me silently wheezing next to him. Then - I snorted.

Have you ever laughed so hard your stomach felt like it was going to split in half? That was me. I had to roll out of bed and race to the bathroom so I didn’t wet myself.

Brett is happily packing away next to me. He hasn’t stopped talking since last night and his phone . . . his phone continues to blow up with notifications and messages. At night we came to the agreement to turn our phones off. Disconnect with the world and connect with one another.

His mother is still up to her old antics with me but has swayed her sideways nitpicking only when Brett isn’t present. When he is there she’s the picture-perfect momma.

The last time I really spoke up about her behavior and treatment, we almost broke up. I know he said he would uninvite her to the wedding, but what kind of person would I be to take him away from her or tell him to choose me over her? I love him more than anything in this world so I should just suck it up . . . right?

“And the blob!” His excitement is all over his face. He continues to plan out our lake day where the summer camp promised to keep this massive blow-up pillow in the water for us to use. Brett leaned back in his seat to throw his hands in the air, and when he did, he ended up breaking the chair due to his massive rugby-size frame and the chair being a worn-down wooden children’s chair.

A Summer Camp Wedding and I am sitting front row to this shit show.

Come on, focus Jackie, look at how happy he is. My heart could burst.