Prologue
I had always wanted to die. It had just always been something that fascinated me. To be honest, I’d never really cared how I died. I just knew I wanted to. For some of us, death can’t come soon enough, others run away from it in desperation. They cling to anything in the hopes that it’ll save them. For years, I had been in the between. I stood and stared death in the face. I knew it was coming for me. I knew there was nothing I could do. I had decided to live my life, not in fear, not blatantly ignoring the harsh reality of death, but living my life however I felt, doing what made me happy at the time.
Staring at her through the glass was a pain I’d never felt before. I so desperately wanted to reach out and touch her, so desperately wanted to feel her skin on mine. Knowing that I would never have that feeling again felt worse than death. I would die a million times over to spend one more minute holding her.
Had I really chosen to hurt the people I loved the most? It was my fault they were feeling this pain. What had I done? It was selfish and cruel. One stupid decision really can last a lifetime, I would’ve done anything to take it back, that wasn’t an option though. I had to deal with the choice I made. I had to live with the fact that for the rest of my life, I would be behind glass, standing among them, centimetres away but always out of reach.
As I said, for years I was willing to wait. Eventually, I got sick of waiting. I was naive enough to only see the darkness. I fixated on the dark moments in my life, forgetting that there were thousands of happy ones just around the corner.
I remember seeing the first stream of blood snake its way down my forearm. I remember feeling a sense of relief wash over me. I also remember the instant feeling of regret drowning me as I saw her face for the last time. I had so desperately wanted to take it all back, but it was done. I had no choice but to let the darkness take me. The expression on her face was something that would scar me forever. Something that hurt more than death ever could.
