Diz
Saturday, June 15
I stared at myself in the foggy mirror while braiding my long brown hair down the top, side and back of my head that wasn’t shaved, then let go without tying the lightened reddish ends. I watched as it stayed for a moment, and then slowly unraveled.
I sighed. Today my hair was a little wavy. Yesterday it was a mess of ringlets, and the day before that it was stick straight. It did what it wanted whenever it wanted, and I didn’t like that. I leaned closer to the glass, inspecting my eyes. They had taken on more of a golden color today. Like my hair, it changed every day, with hints of all the colors of the rainbow. Most of the time, though, they were amber radiating from the center, then green, with a purplish ring around completing the iris.
But…I shouldn’t have been spending too much time in front of the mirror. That wasn’t me; it was Ken who cared more about her appearances. I had a reason to be more careful though…after all, today was…well, I just shouldn’t have been wasting time. I had a lot to do, and I should’ve started my day already.
Soon I left the bathroom and padded back to the “privacy” of my room. My fraternal twin sister Ken stirred in the other bed, but didn’t seem to wake. I was almost always the first person to rise in the morning, and that was when I usually went out biking or skateboarding if the weather was nice.
I pulled on a pair of denim shorts and an old t-shirt before tiptoeing down the side of the staircase, the only part of it that didn’t creak with each step. Our house was old and rickety, but my sisters and I still loved it.
I filled my bottle with cold water, grabbed my house keys, and headed out.
“Hi, Alphonso!” I called to the old man tending to his plants next door when I came out again and started pedaling into the weak wind. At least there was a bit of a breeze.
“Maddy,” he replied, his words barely audible. He looked up slightly.
I cringed. Most people now called me by my chosen name, Diz, ever since I had come out as genderqueer three years ago, but no matter how many times I tried to explain the concept to elderly Alphonso (who was probably losing his memory by now), he’d always address me as “Maddy” or “Madeline.” Though the latter always made me laugh, because that’s what some people only thought my full birth name was. Spoiler: it was the even more common “Madison.”
I plugged my earbuds into my phone at the next red light. I knew that it was dangerous to ride and listen to music at the same time, but I just couldn’t help it.
Upon arriving home later than usual, I made a great show of doing so.
“I’m home!” I sang, entering the kitchen dramatically. As the oldest, I knew I was supposed to be mature, but sometimes I just couldn’t help myself. “Wo huilai le!”
Lio marched in after me, her squinting eyes lined with bags.
“What time is it?” Lio asked, as she held her book to her chest, flipped her hair, raised her eyebrows, peered at the stove clock, and wrinkled her nose, all at once. I didn’t remember being so annoying when I was twelve. But…who knows, considering everyone claimed that her behavior was a carbon copy of mine. She remarked, “Ugh, Maddy, ni hen chou! You stink.”
Diz. Diz! I automatically corrected her in my head. She and Ken still refused to use my chosen name, except of course when they were around others outside our family who only knew me as Diz. But after years of learning how to maneuver around the knife’s blade, I only retorted, zero percent helpful, apparently, “Hey! I was just about to go take a shower. You should probably wear your glasses if you want to be able to see the time.”
“It’s not like you’re wearing your glasses,” Lio grumbled. Her personality was so similar to mine, making us clash… and argue a lot. But I also kind of fought with everyone else too…
“Shut up. We both know that I don’t need them anymore.” I’d used to wear glasses, but now that my eyesight had strangely changed back to twenty-twenty, the whitish-clear frames were probably stuffed in the very bottom of my desk drawer, waiting until one day when my eyes would start betraying me all over again. But hopefully, that would be never.
“Well, guess what, I don’t need mine either anymore.” Lio smiled snobbishly. “No, really.”
“And you.” Ignoring Lio, I glanced at one of my other sisters, Ray, who sat at the kitchen table drinking something. “You should be—wait…is that coffee?”
First of all, coffee was gross. But more importantly, as an athlete looking out for my athlete sister, I knew that in the long run caffeine was something to stay away from.
Ray looked up at me guiltily, then smirked. “No, it’s milky poop water.”
I sucked in a sharp breath through clenched teeth but let it slide.
“Maddy, you don’t need to be it’s not her fault you were out,” Ken defended Ray as she floated down the stairs, caked with makeup as usual. “Weishenme? Why were you out, anyway? Does Maman know?”
“Kennedy, seriously? We’re seventeen, not seven. I go out every morning. You’d know that if you weren’t so lazily sleeping.”
I turned to get a glass of cold water from inside the fridge before stomping upstairs, only half regretting my words. I needed to focus on being a better older sibling. I promised myself that I’d try harder. But then again, I told myself that nearly every day. Sometimes many times a day.
I stripped off and jumped into the shower, gasping as the frigid water hit my sweating body. Jolts of electric current coursed through me, reminding me of how lightning and thunder was formed, hot and cold colliding.
While rushing to wash and cool my burning skin, anger found its way into the mess. I didn’t just need to try to be better, but I had to remember how I’d used to do it, before I’d become so anxious and…off. But that was a long, long time ago. Years, even.
After finally turning off the water, I wrapped myself in my towel and dripped my way back to my room.
“Maddy, can I have your car keys?” Ken then yelled from downstairs.
“Weishenme? Why?” I shouted back, pulling on a pair of clean(ish) clothes.
“I need your car today!” Ken whined.
“Ken, wo xuyao. I need it,” I insisted.
“But you usually bike. Why not today?”
“I have a packed schedule today.”
Ken let out an exasperated sigh loud enough for me to hear. She was obviously jealous.
I was pretty sure that it was because I had my own car and Ken didn’t. She spent all of her time in front of her mirror and doing what she wanted, which was pretty much nothing, while I would work in my free time. And Ken was…always jealous. But so was I of the others…for different reasons.
I was nice, though. Sometimes I felt bad for Ken and would let her borrow my car. But today just wasn’t one of those days. I had something important to go to this afternoon. Two things, actually.
I climbed back down the stairs, thinking to myself, be the bigger person. I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I lashed out at you guys like that. Ken’s right, you didn’t do anything wrong. But, really, Lio, why aren’t you wearing your glasses?”
Lio inhaled slowly, blinking her narrowed eyes a few times. “My ears hurt, and I already told you, I can see fine now, anyways.”
It had better be true. No one liked listening to her complain about her glasses and eyes. “Yeah, okay. Well, let me know if I can help in any other way…” I was trying to be extra caring to make up for before.
Soon, Papa entered the kitchen and in turn greeted each of us with a hug, and asked us about our plans for the day. When he got to me, I mumbled something about meeting up with my friends, and sighed as I turned to quickly eat some breakfast.
“Ken, can you do the dishes for me this morning? Please? I really have to go.”
“No, Maddy.” Ken frowned. “Just like you can’t let me borrow your car.”
“But that’s different! I actually need it today.”
“You really don’t. Your babysitting isn’t even that far away.”
How did Ken know my schedule?! She was usually way too disorganized to even know her own. I tried to come up with a retort, but couldn’t, and finally just replied, “Fine!”
“Cool. Also…I’m still not doing the dishes.”
“Then you can’t have my car!”
“But…”
“Fuck you, Ken. It’s my car. Just do the fucking dishes.”
“What is your problem this morning? Maddy and Ken!” Papa interrupted. “Stop yelling! And stop swearing.”
“Maddy was swearing, not me! You know that.” It was true. Ken hated swears.
“I know I was swearing, and I don’t care. Just leave me alone.” I stomped as I turned around and washed my hands. Why was everything always my fault?
I balled my fists, and Ken and I glared at each other across the room. Weren’t seventeen-year-old twins supposed to fight sometimes?
“Omigod, fine. I’ll do the dishes,” Ken seethed, “but you have to let me use your car.”
“That is what I said,” I agreed, but couldn’t help thinking about why I was getting punished just because Ken couldn’t save up for her own fucking car.
Be the bigger person, I reminded myself. It was practically one of my mantras. Fine, car insurance was very expensive, after all.
I rushed out of the house before I could punch something…or someone.
My emotions were becoming problematic.
But that wasn’t anything new at all.
