Chapter 1
“ I knew a long time ago, that although I seemed fine, the truth is that since that summer when he left for the last time, I was not fine anymore.
I am now ready to accept the truth. He is gone. Others took his place same as these new versions of myself took mine.
And now, despite so many years that have passed by, I am accepting that I am not the same and I am not fine. “
Ava stopped reading, trying to understand the letter from her late mother. Who she is talking about? Her mother was never fine. She saw that since she was a child her mother would always look through her, rather than at her. She was always trying to be happy. Always looking like she was leading this perfect life. Even after her dad passed away on his way back from work. Her mother never stopped smiling and acting like everything was okay. And when she received the call that her mother passed away it had not surprised her. She knew sooner or later it would happen.
“ I am sorry Ava. I had to do it. I had to end this shit life on my own terms. I had to finally take control and responsibility and say NO for the first time. Learn from my mistakes. Do not let others control your life and make you responsible for their actions. Do not try to please everybody else. Please yourself. Put yourself first and smile.
Do you remember your uncle’s lake house in the Lake District? When he passed away he left it to me and now It is yours. Go and live your best life there. That place was where I was the happiest. It is your turn now to take over and be truly happy.
I will see you again one day.
Please remember that I will always love you,
Mom. “
Ava was confused. Was her mother really that blind? Ava would never be like her mother. If anything, she was always ruthless, relentless, always held her head high and took this bitch of life as it came- with good and bad. She was a realist and sometimes cynical.
She was feeling sad for her mother. She destroyed herself all her life, putting unnecessary pressure on herself. A piece of her mother was always missing and although she lived a very active life and was successful professionally her mother had never been happy.
Ava was a wedding photographer. She was not the best but she was leading an alright life. Could not afford the most luxurious flats in central London but was not struggling either. She enjoyed her life in London. Her flatmate was her best friend. Why did her mom never tell her about the house in the Lake District? Her uncle passed away when she was 16 and he had been like a dad to her. He was her father’s only brother and she still has not moved on since he passed away.
Ava liked the house, sure. But she had been there only a couple of times over the years and never since he passed away. And now? The house was hers. She felt the responsibility of owning a house was a bit much, how would she be able to afford the taxes for her little flat and the house? The only option surely would be to sell it.
She opened the search page on her phone and checked the Lake District. It looked nice in pictures and she remembered it being pretty too.
She could take some nice shots there and maybe even set up a proper studio there. But that would mean leaving London.
And that was something that she was not really ready to do.
-Hello Ava, how are you doing? Her flatmate just arrived home from work. She was smelling like coffee and pastries- perks of working in a coffee shop.
-I am good T. Just received this letter from my mum’s lawyer. Ava handed the letter to Tina and got up off the sofa and went to the kitchen where she refilled her wine glass. Tina was reading the letter and got really excited.
-Oh my god Ava, you have a fricking house. In Lake District nonetheless. You are kind of rich now.
-Not rich, more like in debt. Do you know how expensive that house will be to take care of? Tina rolled her eyes:
-Well, you have a house now. How is it? Is it really big? I bet you could take some nice pictures there. One of my friends had her engagement shots taken there and let me tell you it looked magical. Whereabouts in the Lake District?
-Is close to Bassenthwaite Lake. The nearest village is Scarness.
-I have never been there! I bet is amazing. Tomorrow is Tuesday, and I am off. Let’s take a trip!
Tina was always ready for a sudden trip but Ava needed more time to prepare.
-I am sorry T, but I have to deliver the photos from the weddings that I had over the weekend. I still have so many to edit and check. It will take me all week and then I have to be ready for the Saturday. Leana is a true bridezilla and will kill me if I do not meet with her on Thursday and Friday to go over the last details for her wedding on Saturday.
-Ava, you are always so busy, you need to live a bit. Plus you need to take a break. Your mother passed away a month ago and you have not even given yourself some time to grieve. If anything you are extremely calm and it worries me.
-Tina, I do not need to cry every night and get drunk to grieve my mom. She killed herself because she was depressed. I have already processed this like I processed every death in my family. Is just life. She has ended her life on her terms. I need to live my life on my own terms.
-She has committed suicide, you need to process this. You need to speak with someone about it, you cannot just bury it and expect everything to be fine.
-I have processed it. She is dead. Simple as that. I do not need any help. I am doing okay on my own.
-Ok, relax. I am just worried about you is all. Anyway. I am starving. Chinese?
-Yep, is your turn to pay anyway.
Tina laughed and went into her room, she was concerned about Ava but knew better than to push her. At the end of the day, she went through so much loss in this life already and has not lost it yet. She would be there for her when she would be ready to cry and smash some glasses.
Ava left the phone and wine glass on the side and picked up her laptop. She still had over 300 pictures to edit and go through. It would be a long night.
She open a new tab, found Spotify and went back to editing. The bride was so beautiful. This couple was really happy. All her clients were living their big day, together with the one they love. Her pictures would give them the chance to remember their amazing big day for years and years to come. Even after they would get a divorce, they would still look back and think about a time when they were happy.
And that is why she loved her job so much. Capturing the memories of an incredible day for years and years to come.
Ava felt a slight sadness as she took another sip of wine. She is always the photographer, never the bride.
-All in good time she said to herself as she heard the shower running.
Tina was right about something. She needs to go and see the condition of the house. Plus she could use a holiday. In a couple of weeks, she could go for at least 3-4 days during the week. Maybe Tina would like to join too. That would most certainly be a long drive.
