Those Two Brothers

James sat down. It was 4:30 PM on Sunday in the UK and the summer clouds of England, gave the air a slight unease about them. He plugged his phone into the charger and sat on a chair next to it. It was round this time he often would have gone to meet Michael, but Michael had to go to have a roast dinner at his grandparents. They had agreed to meet up later in the afternoon.

Michael was in James’ class when they first joined the school. James had always liked him. But they were never close for the first three years. Michael was a rugby boy and was far more popular than James. The only way that James was ever able to get his feelings across was when he told a friend, and the rumour spread around the class. He got bullied a lot, he tried to brush it off, and on one hand he felt happy for the attention – it helped him keep his sanity – but it hurt. It was not until the end of that fourth year that Michael was able to tell James he felt the same way. And they kept their relationship secret from everyone, it was simpler that way.

It was lucky that James did feel the same way because Michael had a suicide note prepared just before. After reading it back just before he threw it away, he felt like an idiot. The writing almost felt corny as he read it, but he figured suicide notes didn’t really work. As a matter of fact, he forgot why he even wanted to kill himself, it was true that he hated how nobody could understand each other, and how he felt he had no choice who he was, even though his parents were wealthy enough and he was a so called ‘lucky one’, he felt sad, and he hated himself for that. However, he was never selfish enough to leave everyone else behind, and not remove his sorrow, but move it on to everyone else. He was that type of person who would not live for themselves but for others.

His mood changed after he became close to Michael. He would talk, he would laugh, and he would feel emotions. For a long time, he didn’t feel anything, only an emptiness he tried to fill in all sorts of ways, but the happiness was only ever temporary. But he began to feel real happiness when he was around Michael. At first, he could hardly recognise the feeling anymore, but then he remembered this was how blissful true happiness felt, to be happy.

Despite all this happiness they shared one common problem, which was the fact that their parents were strict Catholics. They both believed all people who weren’t straight Christians were sinners and should not be talked to. This is why neither had come out to their parents. On one hand, they believed their parents loved them but at the same time they figured their parents could easily hate them and their delicate lives would be torn apart. In short it was because they feared the unknown.

As James aimlessly scrolled through his For You Page and the rain began to come down, he heard his mum call from downstairs. She told him that because he was a good friend with Michael, that she had invited their family round for a lunch next Sunday. James was happy to see Michael, but he was nervous about what their parents would talk about and what backwards views they would have about the world. But he knew all would be well because he was seeing Michael at school tomorrow and they were going to meet afterwards.

He liked being around Michael. He didn’t care about sex or kisses much, there was something he cherished more than that. He just wanted to have fun. He was most glad to just have someone who he could laugh with, and smile with, and do crazy stuff with. Michael was a brother and a lover to James. He didn’t care if they supported different teams or disliked different people, or had different tastes in arts, because they loved and respected each other enough not to argue about those types of things. But James couldn’t get over the fact that Michael was hidden from all his friends. James didn’t have too many friends but the ones he was close too he would tell them about him, but Michael never let him talk about them. It was clearly because Michael feared that his friends would bully him, and he would be lonely and then his parents would find out and that was his greatest fear. This was all perfectly logical to James, but it made him feel like Michael was embarrassed but he always tried to remember that Michael needed time to figure out what to do. Just like everyone.