Perpetual Desire

I heard the clock ticking, counting down the seconds reminding me that I’m running late, but I don’t care. I have twenty minutes before my friends arrive at my apartment, but I'm here instead. She’s observing me while she turns her pen cap. I know she’s waiting for me to talk, but I stay silent waiting for the hour to end. She clears her throat and crosses her legs, “Why are you here today?” She asked and I pondered her question. Why am I here? I should be at home packing and self-medicating before I leave. She looked at her wrist watch and set her notepad down. “Okay you don’t want to talk today, so let me guess why you’re here.” I straightened up in my chair and looked at her.

“You’re here because you’re anxious about this trip. You’re scared that it’s going to bring back old feelings and memories of the past.” She said and she looked right through me. She caught me. I guess that’s why I pay her so much. “Yes I’ve been a little nervous” I admit and she gives me her obvious go on look that I’ve really grown to hate. “Things have been good for me.” I admit and I look down at my hands. “What if I unravel?” I asked and she smiled at me. “You haven’t yet,” she pointed out.

“You are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for” She said and I looked at the clock above her head. “Yeah I guess so,” I said “Well you know I’m available anytime you need to talk” she said and I sighed in relief because I knew she was wrapping up our session. She looked at her watch, “Well I think that about does it. I will see you when you get home” she said and she stood up from her chair and opened her door. I stayed on the couch and suddenly didn’t want to leave. “Allie stop standing in your own way, everything is going to be fine” She said and she gave me a reassuring pat on my shoulder. I thanked her and left before she charged me extra. I looked at my watch and decided I had enough time to get a coffee. I walked past the library and noticed the pink camellias are starting to bloom.

I cut through the quad and went inside the food court. I quickly ordered my coffee and checked my phone while I waited. I sat down at a booth near the window. I heard a couple of girls freaking out and I turned to see what the commotion was about. I saw him walking into the food court. He waved to the girls and flashed them his million dollar smile. I can’t believe that after all this time he still takes my breath away. How is that fair? He opens the door to the coffee shop and walks inside. He looks my way and our eyes lock.

“Alyson” he called and he moved through the crowd to me. He smiled when we came face to face. “It’s good to see you” he said and he touched my shoulder. “Good to see you too” I said and the barista brought my drink. “One cappuccino. What can I get you Jack?” the barista asked and they smiled at each other. She must be another one of his many admirers. “Just the usual” he said and she winked at him. “I’ll be back in a minute” she said and she bounced back to the coffee bar. “Is she a friend of yours?” I asked and he laughed. “No, I actually have no clue who she is” he admitted and he picked up a straw and chewed on it. “Well she certainly knows who you are” I smirked and he laughed.

“Maybe, but who cares? I’m more interested in talking about you,” he said and I felt my heart start beating faster. “How are you?” he asked and he looked me in the eyes. “I’m amazing. How are you?” I asked as I took a sip. “Tired, but I’m excited to get a break” he said and he sat down beside me. “Who said this week is going to be a break?” I asked and he raised an eyebrow. My cheeks started burning and I took another sip of my coffee. I could feel his eyes on me and I felt relieved to see the barista coming back to the table. “Here’s your coffee” she handed him his coffee with her best pageant smile. “Thanks” he said and handed her some money.

“So are you packed and ready to go?” he asked and I laughed and took another sip. “Not exactly” I said and I licked the foam off my lips. “What about you?” I asked and I noticed he was looking at my lips. “I’m always ready Allie,” he said while he winked at me. He took a sip of his coffee when my eyes widened and I felt my heart racing. “Well I should probably get home. I’d hate to keep everyone waiting” I said and he smiled. “Okay I’ll see you soon” he said and I quickly made my escape. I stepped outside and took a few deep breaths. This is going to be a long week.

I walked back to my house and sipped on my coffee. I walked past the library and turned on my street. I saw my Tiffany blue front door and panicked when I noticed that the door was cracked open. I grabbed the baseball bat I left by the door and followed the sound of footsteps and was ready to strike. My roommate, Maggie, walked out of the kitchen and I dropped the bat. “Alyson what the hell?” she asked and I blushed as my heart rate returned to normal. “I’m sorry. You never leave the door open” I said and I put my hand over my heart. “You need to lay off the true-crime shows” She teased and I giggled. “I really do” I said and I took a sip of my coffee.

“Everyone should be getting here soon,” Maggie reminded me. “Why did I agree to this?” I mumbled to myself. I went to my room to finish packing. I opened my suitcase and filled it with the essentials. “How many dresses are you taking?” I asked Maggie and she came into my room. “I packed four dresses and then something sexy for the bachelorette party” “Okay” I sigh dreading the trip. “What’s wrong, are you not excited?” she asked. “I am, but I’m not looking forward to seeing Eric.

"Why is he going again?” I put my dresses in a hanging bag and shoved my shoes into my suitcase. “He’s one of Kason’s closest friends, ″ she said and I gagged. “Now I’m questioning if he’s good enough for Jamie?” I said and she laughed. “Oh stop, he makes her happy.” Maggie explained and I gasped. “Wait, he’s the best man… So that means?” I ask discouraged “Yes,” Maggie interrupted, “You are paired with Eric.” I sighed. “I should have known there was a catch to being the maid of honor” I heard a knock on the door and Maggie ran to answer it. Max and Jack walked into our apartment.

“Hi baby” Maggie squealed and jumped into Max’s arms. Jack stepped around them. “Hi Jack” I greeted him and kissed his cheek. He gave me a big hug, and all I could smell was his heavenly cologne. “I just heard the news, Eric finally gets a date with you” I gasp and scrunch up my nose. “Please don’t call it a date” I whined and I finished the rest of my coffee. “You never know with a few slow dances mixed with an open bar you could fall for his charm.” Max teased and they all laughed. “You guys suck” I said and I went to the kitchen to throw away my coffee cup “Oh Allie relax, he’s just your escort for the evening.” She said as she tried to hide her smile. “Does he charge by the hour?” Jack asked and I threw a towel at his face. “Don’t make me come over there” I said and he looked into my eyes and raised his eyebrow. I almost forgot to look away. “Allie don’t you need to finish packing?” Maggie asked and I was relieved I was no longer in the hot seat. I excused myself to finish packing my things.

I tossed my new swim suits into my suitcase. I went to zip it, but the zipper wouldn’t budge. “Someone help!” I called in my damsel in distress voice. Jack came in laughing. “At your service ma’am,” I pointed to my suitcase and he went to my bed and tried to close it. “It’s a little full, try sitting on it” he said and I looked at him skeptically and sat down. I felt him move the zipper and his fingers grazed against my leg and it took my breath away. “There you go,” he said and he helped me up. “Thank you” I said as he walked around my room. I watched him look at my stuff and examine my life little by little.

I look around trying to avoid being awkward. “Wow, when was this?” He asked and I looked at the old picture of us from high school. I moved beside him, maybe a little too close. “That was sophomore year after you won the state championship” I said and he smiled as he looked at the photo. He leaned in closer to me “I always knew you had a crush on me” he teased and the air in the room became thicker. I looked into his eyes and I could feel myself falling under his spell, but I can’t let that happen. “You wish,” I said and moved back to my suitcase. “Here make yourself useful.” I said as I handed him my suitcase. His hand touched mine as he took my suitcase. “Yes ma’am” he said and he smiled as he picked up my suitcase.

“After you” he said and I picked up my purse and made my way to the living room. Maggie and Max were cozy on the couch whispering softly to each other. Jack brushed against me and my heart started racing. “I’m going to take this to the car, I’ll be right back” he said and he flashed me his panty dropping smile and I felt myself melt. I need to control myself. I can’t obsess about him like I did in high school, it’s too pathetic. I have always been in the friend zone, even in high school when I was the girl next door obsessing over him.

“What’s wrong?” Maggie asked, interrupting my reverie. “Oh I guess I’m just worried about Eric,” I lied and Maggie got up off the couch to refill her drink. “It’s going to be okay, you only have to be around him when it’s absolutely necessary,” she said and I smiled. “Don’t worry we’ll keep him in line” Max chimed in. I pretended to look relieved and sat down on the couch. Jack came back inside and settled on the couch beside me. I could feel the heat from his body. “So when do the two troublemakers get here?” Max asked and Maggie looked at her phone. “Should be anytime now” she said and everyone sighed.

“We could just go now” he said and I grinned. “Don’t tease me” I said and Jack stared at me and I could feel that deep yearning for him. I heard a knock on the door and I jumped. “Be nice you two” Maggie said and she pointed at us before she opened the door. Brittney came in and yelled, “Party’s here bitches!” Jack smirked and rolled his eyes. Maggie quickly got up to give her a hug. “Where’s Eric?” she asked and Brittney flipped her bleach blonde hair. “He’s getting our bags; he’ll be up in a second.

"Who wants a shot?” She pulled out a bottle of tequila, but no one really reacted. “I know Jack wants one” Brittney winked at him and Max laughed. “No thanks I’m driving” Jack said and Brittney brushed it off and sat on his lap. “I remember a time you didn’t care” Brittney said and kissed his cheek which clearly made him uncomfortable. “Alyson, we need shot glasses!” Brittney exclaimed and I went to the cabinet and found the unused shot glasses she bought me last year for my birthday.

I set them on the coffee table and Brittney started filling them up, she handed them out and then tried to hand one to Jack, but he didn’t take it. “Come on, one isn’t going to hurt you!” She said and Jack shook his head, “Whatever Buzzkill” Eric came into our apartment and Brittney smiled, “Eric, just in time!” She stood up and handed him a shot glass.

“Alright a toast, to getting wild in Florida” Brittney said and I rolled my eyes. “Here here” Eric chimed in and winked at me and I wanted to gag. I took the shot and felt a deep burn in my stomach. “Let’s get the hell out of here” I said and I grabbed my things and put on my hat and sunglasses. I walked out the door before anyone could follow me. I made my way to Jack’s Range Rover and waited. Jack came out the front door and unlocked his car. He went to the trunk and opened the hatch. “I like your hat, it’s very Holly Golightly” he said and I was shocked he had watched such an old movie. “Thanks I got it at the vintage store on Cherry Street” I said and he smiled. “It suits you” he said and I felt myself blush.

Everyone started coming outside and brought their suitcases to Jack. I opened the passenger door and Brittney squealed. “This won’t work, I have to sit in the passenger seat, I get really car sick.” She explained. Hmm that was never a problem in high school, but I’m sure she didn’t think that far ahead into her scheme. I got out of the car like the true pushover I am and gave up my seat. “Thanks for warming the seat for me” she gloated and I wanted to smack that look off of her face. I got into the backseat and Eric followed behind me. Of course this is happening. Maggie gave me a reassuring pat on my shoulder as she got in the very back. It will be okay. I won’t let something so small bother me.

It was a long drive to Florida, 12 hours and 35 minutes to be exact. Thankfully we are stopping in Georgia and staying with Jack’s uncle. It’s a little weird staying in someone’s house I’ve never met, but I won’t complain it keeps me from sleeping in the car. I can use as many breaks from Eric as I can get anyway. We had been driving for a few hours and there were conversations going, but really I just wanted to listen to my music. I could feel myself dozing off, but tried fighting it. I sat up straight and tried stretching. I put my headphones in and sat back and listened to an old high school favorite. I remembered the last time I heard this song, how happy I was. It’s hard to think about the past, but it’s bound to happen this week. I looked out the window and watched the world flashing by.