Chapter 1
Dear Sarah,
I know what I did was wrong. From how I treated you and the lies I spread about you to me and my friends. I’m so sorry for how I treated you back then, you really didn’t deserve it. I know deep down that you never cheated on me and that you didn’t leave me for another guy, despite what I’ve told you and everyone else. I’ve tried telling them the truth but no one ever listens. They just say that I’m in denial and that my initial assertion was true but I know it’s not. I was lying to cope with the fact that you were gone and that it was my fault. I know it was. You never really liked the real me however, as much as I was lovey dovey to you that’s just not who I am as a person, that’s just who you fell in love with, this super sweet guy who was high off of life to love you for just being you. While deep down I felt nothing, I tried so hard to continue the relationship that I feel like I dragged it out way longer than it should’ve gone on. Truthfully, after your first suicide attempt on new years day, the tactics you used to get me away from me by saying we had really broken up but was actually all a bluff the entire time, it really hurt me,deeply. For weeks, even months after, I had no idea if we still were a thing until I felt like I was falling in love with you all over again. I didn’t know how to feel about it other than heartbroken, I know you did it because I was the closest thing to you and the only reason you had to keep going, and bringing it up to you would only just make you upset, which is the last thing I wanted to do. I loved you so much, more than anything in the world, and I know you did too. But when we started talking again I was afraid, afraid of losing you again and history repeating itself. So, I dropped the act I was putting up and treated you like shit for just being yourself and I’m so sorry for that. I didn’t know I was hurting you, in my mind you didn’t seem bothered by it. I remember at this time I was talking with another girl, we weren’t serious yet or anything but things we’re certainly looking to go in that direction. So what did I do? I tried to have both, I tried to have you and her at the same time and ended up losing both. I declined your advances and got with her out of spite. It’s crystal clear in the pictures of us that I was not happy in that relationship and was very uncomfortable with it, but I pushed on just to spite you. I fucked her just to spite you. And I didnt feel a damn thing. Why? Because I thought you did the same to me, I thought I was just returning the favor, but I wasn’t. And I’m so sorry. And now, a year later, I feel like I’ve lost everything because of it, and rightfully so. I don’t have any friends left except just the one that has stuck by me for the past 9 years of my life. I hope that you can forgive me for everything that I have done to you, every time I wronged you, everytime I used you out of fear of losing you, everytime I manipulated you into doing things for me, because I can’t forgive myself.
Love, always and forever,
Stacy
