Chapter 1
#
“There’s Acute Pain and Chronic Pain.”
“Dionne.”
"Chronic pain lasts more than 3-6 months, Acute lasts less than, and is considered an injury-”
“Dionne!”
I shut my eyes, shaking my head. Even with the door closed, I could still hear the shrillness in my sister’s voice, and annoyance welled up within me.
“Dionne, come down for a sec!”
Toya continues to scream from downstairs, and I knew that if I didn’t just find my way, she’d continue all night.There was very little that encouraged me to get out of this bed. With finals right around the corner, the last thing I wanted to do was take my eyes off my book. With a sigh of resignation, I begrudgingly made my way downstairs, bracing myself for whatever had her so excited.
“I thought I’d asked you all not to disturb me,” I grumbled.
My mother’s sighed, a little laugh leaving her lips as she stocked the fridge with the groceries she had bought. Her purple dress hardly hid her shape, and every so often I would find my father gazing off at her. Like right before he turned to look at me.
“My little brain bug,” my father cooed, puckering up his face and I glared at him.
“You guys don’t want me to have a bright future, and it shows.”
“Your sister’s just excited,” my mother said, the smile broadening on her face as she side-eyed Toya.
I finally looked at the culprit, only to find that she was hardly containing herself. She leaned against the pillar, her face glowing. I walked closer, placing my hands on the counter.
“What’s going on?”
It didn’t take her more than a few seconds to practically speed walk towards me, grabbing both of my hands.
“It’s Elias,” she whispered and her eyes widened. ”He’s coming back.”
My heart dropped at her words, and I swallowed hard, crossing my arms over my chest.
“From the army?”
She nodded her head yes, a wide grin on her face.
Elias was Toya’s first love. They met in high school, got together junior year, and stayed together until they graduated and then when Elias deployed. To my understanding, she wanted to make it work between them but Elias didn’t believe in long distance, and I honestly understood why. Not just for his sake, but for Toya’s sake. I couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to hear different news than just him returning. That he had passed or been badly injured. Then again, seeing how she reacted when they had to break up, I think it would’ve hurt her the same either way.
I just didn’t expect her to be this excited upon his return, seeing though they had broken up almost five years ago. It meant that she still had expectations and that there was yet another possibility that she’d end up just as heartbroken as the first time around. The big question would be whether or not things would go back to the way they were before he left, knowing that Toya was looking forward to it being that way. I didn’t think her feelings for him had ever truly gone away -- even though she tried to hide it behind different boys and quick relationships these past few years.
“That’s . . . so – I’m so happy for you,” I gently smiled back, engulfing her in a hug. My heart thumped against my chest, and I hoped that she wouldn’t notice, hiding the apprehension on my face.“When will he be back?”
“Tonight, actually, Julia’s hosting a surprise welcome back party for him,” she walked over to the cupboards once my parents leave the room, and took a few bags of chips, “I’m helping her set it up.”
“On the same night that he returns?” I padded over to the basket and grabbed an apple from it. “Won’t he be tired? Jet lagged and all that?”
“Perhaps,” she shrugged. “But it won’t be anything grand, just a small get-together.”
A bitter taste filled my mouth as soon as I bite into the apple. I cleared my throat.
“Well, have fun tonight –”
“You should come, Dionne,” her shoulder sagged at my clear reservations.
“No,” I replied immediately, shaking my head.
“Why? It’s been four years since you’ve been over there – she asks about you all the time.”
“It can’t be that much, we live right across from each other. And, of course, I send my regards, all the time, but I won’t be attending, I have finals to continue preparing for but – I’m glad Elias made it back, really, tell him hi for me.”
“Okay,” she muttered as I turned my back to head upstairs.
#
The house was extremely quiet by seven pm, and that only added to my restlessness. My parents and Toya had found themselves at the party, and I knew Elias had shown up because I watched him enter the house from my window.
Creepy, I know.
From what I had seen he had definitely grown.
The army had done his body well, the muscular tone a testament to the time his time in service. I couldn’t see much of his facial features, but nevertheless, Toya was probably having the time of her life, and I was extremely happy for her. I just hoped that she’d use a little bit of her discretion and take things one step at a time.
As much as I would’ve liked to sit in bed and study all night, there came a point where no more knowledge stuck after I’d read the same line over ten times – at that point I know it was best to take a break. I didn’t have a lot of friends, so I often tried to make sure that I didn’t have a lot of free time. I spent most of my time studying, doing extra research, finishing assignments a month earlier than due, and then working at a small coffee shop in the town fifteen minutes away.
When I did have free time though, I had no idea what to do with it. Sometimes . . . I danced.
A guilty pleasure, I called it.
Knowing that the talent trait ended with Toya never stopped me from shaking my tail when the feeling arose. I had a small speaker that my grandfather gave to me because he couldn’t understand how to use it, and I used that most times to pump my jam.
On my old-generation iPhone, I used my file app to download music, and I enjoyed simple treasures from inside my room.
And so, with an empty house, I turned up the volume on my favorite song, and sang as loudly as I wanted, cha-cha-ing till I couldn’t anymore. The rhythm really lowed within me this time, maybe it was because I knew the house was empty and nobody could walk in on me, but I swayed and I twirled and I had the time of my life, laughing breathless at myself in the mirror. It was through that same mirror, however, that I noticed a shadow climbing over me.
I screamed bloody murder, jumping out of my skin, and turning around to meet my murderer. To my surprise, it was Elias, with his perhaps wider than mine. He fell onto the floor frightened by my scream and holding upright a plate with cake.
“Elias?” I breathed, still fighting to catch my breath. I placed a hand on my chest, but finding the familiar face did nothing to slow my beating heart.
“Dionne, I didn’t mean to startle you I--”
“What’re you doing in here? You’re supposed to be over there!”
Elias stood, wiping off his palms one by one. “I didn’t see you at the party,” he explained. “And Toya said you were stuck studying so I thought I’d sneak you some cake . . .”
He extended the plate toward me and my eyes dropped onto it. My heart drummed in my chest so loudly that I could hear it through my ears. I groaned loudly, shutting my eyes for a moment. There was a fever that crawled over my skin, raising all the hairs on my arms and my neck, and suddenly I was extremely aware that there was a man in my room.
And we were alone.
My skin flushed at the nape of my neck, and my spine stiffened.
“Uh – okay b-but you can’t – you can’t be in here please.”
“Yes, right, I’m sorry, I’ll just . . .” He stepped outside of the room, and onto the ledge where he crawled. I wrapped my arms around myself and it was only then my heartbeat began to slow.
In the silence, he extended the cake through the window, as if it were a peace offering.
“I apologize, I overstepped.”
I eyed the cake, before looking back at him and he silently egged me on, nudging it toward me. He looked so strange holding cake between us -- through a window. I almost had to stifle my laugh. I took it from him gingerly, and he dropped his hands to his side.
“Butter cake,” he said, breaking the silence again. “I know it’s your favorite.”
I raised an eyebrow at him, tasting the icing.
“And how do you know that?”
“It’s mine as well,” he said, as if that would’ve suddenly made all the sense in the world.
“That explains nothing at all,” I chuckled, and he slowly smiled.
“Is it okay if I sit out here?”
My smile faltered for a bit before I looked back at my door, and then at him.
“S-sure.”
Elias carefully took a seat and rested his hands on the top of his knees. I quietly dragged my desk chair closer to him and sat as close as I could to him without getting a panic attack. We continued to just... relax in silence, staring out at the night sky. My eyes glided to him, much closer now so that I could at least see some of his features. As much as his body had changed, his face did too. Elias was still there but... he was now... a man. I could see the enhancement of his jawline, the slight curve of his pink lips, and the subtle length of his full eyelashes, beating against his cheek.
I tilted my head slowly, wondering if he came over here just to . . . gaze at the stars. I’m sure there are stars at his house.
The cake sat on my dresser but I didn’t feel comfortable with him watching me eat. I would wait until he left to devour it because butter cake was indeed my favorite.
“You still haven’t told me what you’re doing here, Elias.” I broke the silence. “They’ll notice that you’re missing, and they’ll wonder where you’ve gone. Especially Toya.”
Elias glanced at me for a moment, giving me full access to his features. My breath hitched in my throat at the intensity of his gaze and I quickly averted my eyes.
“I didn’t leave gunshots, and bombs just to hear loud music, and receive hugs from half-drunk people,” he commented.
“Oh . . . right,” I fidgeted with my hands in my lap, drawing my lips into my mouth. “How was that?”
Elias took in a deep breath. “Let’s just say if someone asked me for advice in joining the army. I’d say no.”
“That bad, huh.”
“Worse than we all thought.” He replied curtly, it was clear that he didn’t want to talk about it.
“Is that why you came back?”
“No,” he shook his head, “you can’t just leave.I got shot in my knee and I was discharged.”
“Shot in the knee? How’re you walking okay right now.” My eyes widened, and by instinct, I tried to look down at it, even though he was fully clothed.
“Months of physical therapy, and expensive surgery. I still have a little limp although it’s mostly unnoticeable now.”
“Shit... I’m sorry about that.”
“Nah, don’t be. It was my ticket to freedom.”
“I . . . I’m glad you made it back safely then - well, relatively.”
“You know,” he inhaled deeply. With a small smile, he tilted his head at me. “Toya told me you said that. It had me wondering why you didn’t just say come it yourself.”
“I had to study,” I defended.
Elias chuckled, raising an eyebrow at me, “for dance class?”
A deep blush crawled up my neck.
“Alright, maybe it’s time for you to go.”
“No,” he continued to laugh, clutching his stomach, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
I narrowed my eyes at him playfully.
“You’ve grown up, D,” he whispered, his voice barely audible. His words... the tone... the volume sent a flutter down my stomach, but I quickly covered it up with an awkward chuckle.
“Toya has as well,” I threw in there awkwardly, and he nodded, turning back to the sky.
“She has, indeed,” he muttered. “What have the two of you been up to?”
“Mm,” I hummed, looking away for a moment, “Toya dropped out of college two years ago - it was too much for her. But luckily my dad was able to get her a job as a receptionist at one of his friend’s firm so she does that.”
He nodded, tapping his chin, “does she enjoy it?”
“For the most part,” I shrugged, “every job has its perks, and of course, its disadvantages.”
“And you?”
“I’m still in college actually. A few more months to go.”
“Oh yeah?” He grins, “What’re you studying?”
“Psychology.”
“Well look at you go,” Elias folded his arms, looking at me with his eyes wide with admiration. I held my breath, wondering if I had fallen asleep while studying and this was all a dream.
“I - I also work at a small coffee shop in the town . . . just to pass the time.”
“Which one? I need to do some exploring. It’s been so long since I’ve been back home I feel like I’m in an entirely different place.”
“Um - George’s - Happy Cup.”
“Seriously? George is still active?”
“He is,” I nodded, scratching the back of my neck. Every now and then the realization that I had a man so close to me - to my room, made all the hairs on my hand stand up.
We continued to converse and it was honestly fun -- but sometimes he would laugh so heartily that I was afraid someone would spot him on my roof.
When things finally quieted down between us again,running out of small talk, I rubbed the top of my hand to soothe myself and averted my eyes from his frame. When I looked up again, he was looking right at me and my lips parted so that I could say something - anything, but my mind was blank.
Elias didn’t have a smile on his face, he didn’t even look amused he just . . . stared at me.
“Dionne!” I jumped from our little trance and turned to look at my closed door.
From downstairs, Toya’s footsteps lashed heavily against the stairs.
I stood frantically, opening my mouth to tell Elias that he had to leave but he was already gone from my window. I leaned against it, watching him jog backward to his house, waving at me with that gentle smile of his. I raised my hand slowly and waved back, gingerly returning his smile.
My door slammed open and I spun around, frightened.
Toya looked distraught as ever as she stumbled in with a can of beer, and plummeted onto my bed.
“He’s an asshole, Dionne.” She cried, her voice hoarse. My eyes slowly darted to the cake on my dresser and my eyes widened.
“Who’s an asshole?” I asked, hoping to keep her attention on the ceiling as I walked over to it.I leaned against the dresser as she sat up, giving me a flat look.
“Elias!” She yelled, sloppily, raising her hands and dropping them. Toya’s hair was no longer in the bun she left with. Instead, it was frizzy, and all aired out as if she had ripped the hairband from it.
“W-what - what happened?”
“He completely brushed me off while I was there,” she complained, and my eyebrows furrowed together in confusion. “I mean sure, we hugged. But I - it wasn’t like our old hugs. Elias hardly even looked at me for too long -- I felt like an estranged uncle.”
Toya laid back dramatically on the bed and closed her eyes. I quickly covered the cake with a t-shirt, and sat next to her, placing a hand on her lap.
“The two of you didn’t talk at all?”
She scoffed. Hardly. He asked how I’d been, and how you’ve been. He even asked where you were, and why you didn’t come.”
“He did?”
She sat up again, and from up close I could see just how heavy and red her eyes were.
“How much have you been drinking?”
“Elias just disappeared from the party,” she hiccuped, “he didn’t say anything - to anyone, he just left.”
My heart dropped into my stomach. I felt a pang of guilt as she sadly swayed onto me, and I swallowed hard.
“What makes you think he wasn’t just in his bedroom?”
“You silly girl,” she shook her head, tipping the can of bear in her mouth. She gulped and wiped away the remaining liquid from the sides of her mouth.
“Even if he was being a - complete asshole - if Elias was going to his bedroom, he would’ve invited me.”
“Mm,” I hummed as she continued to sway with her mouth hung open. On her breath, I could smell an entire liquor store. I noticed that there was also tissue falling out of her bra, and I sighed, my shoulders sagging.
I ripped them out.
“Are we really doing this again?”
“Hey!” She squeaked, grabbing it back, “Not all of us were as blessed as you, okay.”
“Toya, you’re twenty -, you’re not a silly teenager. Elias should love you as you are.”
“That’s easy for you to say, Dionne, you’ve never been in love, you don’t even know what it feels like, what it looks like.”
Her words stung more than she realized and I pursed my lips together. “Gee, thanks,” I muttered dryly. “I know though that love isn’t vain and you shouldn’t be stuffing your bra. Hasn’t he seen you naked already?”
“I try to keep the lights off - or just turn my back to him -- on all fours or something.”
“Oh my gosh, Toya, get out of my room.”
“W-what? No - it’s comfy here.”
“You’re gonna throw up any second and I’d rather you throw up in yours.”
“I hate you,” she muttered, sluggishly standing.
“Shout it you need help!”
She closed my door behind her, thankfully, and I felt like I could finally breathe again - fresh air too. I run a hand over my face and bring myself to stand near the window -- just to take a peek.
Elias had left his party and climbed up to my window just to bring me a slice of cake. That sounded delusional to even say. I wasn’t sure that even if I confessed it to Dionne that she’d believe me. I had no clue why in the world he’d ever do that.
It’s not like we had some - budding friendship before he left. He was my sister’s boyfriend, her first love, and I steered clear of him because of that. When we did bounce into each other, it was always brief, and fleeting.
I took in a deep breath and remembered her rant.Toya was still gravely in love, and maybe I could figure out why he was giving her the cold shoulder.
I took the cake from underneath the T-shirt and sat on my bed to finally eat it. I thought about what he said - about knowing that it was my favorite, and I slowly smiled.
The moment I was about to eat it the door swung open again, and I froze.
“I’m not seeing any of the towels that -”
Toya’s eyebrows lifted into her hairline as she noticed the cake. She looked freshly showered, and a bit calmer, so I knew her senses were returning.
“Where’d you get the cake?”
“What cake?”
She tilted her head at me and I laughed nervously.
“Mom.”
“Mom?”
“Mom brought it over for me, she knows how much I - freaking love butter cake.”
She stared at me for a few more moments before deciding that that could be the only logical reason.
She shrugged.
“Okay, I’m not finding any of the crispy white towels. Do you know where they are?”
