Of Kate...

I knew who he was, of course I did. Everyone knew who he was. Everyone knew he had been an assassin, that he’d turned to help the military, that he was rescued by Kael Ajax.

He was covered in scars. He rarely rolled up his sleeves or removed his neckerchief, never his blindfold during the day. I knew because I'd watched him for days before I ever approached him. I'd come to Twisp to get some space from my controlling family, from the men they were constantly trying to set me up with. I couldn't help but imagine what they would say if I came home with him on my arm. Absolutely their worst nightmare.

So while he caught my attention because of his reputation, the more I watched him, the more I liked what I saw. I saw him walking those two little Ajax girls to school, holding the door for people at the commissary, carrying groceries for Mrs. Ajax. It was all the incredibly normal things I saw that made me actually want to meet him. He seemed gentle and polite, a little reserved maybe, but he was still an attractive man and with a personality like that I felt like everyone else was missing out. I caught him one day as he strolled behind a tottering young boy, maybe three years old, shepherding him along with all the patience in the world.

“Is he yours?”

Ivan startled. He glanced from me to the child. “Him?” He pointed to the boy, then to himself. “Mine? Oh no,” he chuckled. “I just keep him out of the house for a few hours so Mrs. Ajax can have some time to herself.”

“You’re so good with him,” I observed. The little boy eyed me with his gray expression, tugging on Ivan’s pants. I could tell he hadn’t been flirted with in ages- maybe ever. He kept peering around as though I must be talking to someone else. “He’s quite fond of you.”

Ivan picked him up, looked around once more. “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name. I’m Ivan, this is Marty.”

I gave him a slight nod. “Katherine Bellot. May I walk with you, Ivan?”

And that was how we began. He was as sweet as he appeared to be. He didn’t set a foot wrong, never pressed me for anything. It got to the point of frustration for me when he still hadn’t kissed me after over a month. We’d left the Ajax house, a place he spent quite a bit of time, and moved down the few houses to his private abode. Sometimes he walked me home, sometimes I left in a huff for not getting enough attention. Tonight I was going to start setting some of my own rules. When we got to his door I could tell he was about to say goodnight. I had intended to grab him and kiss him by force, show him just what I wanted, but he was so quick there really was no way. He held my wrist gently.

“What is it?”

I stomped my foot and he just laughed at me. “Kiss me! Kiss me already! Don’t you want to?”

“Of course I do, Kate,” Ivan assured me. It was dark, he’d removed his blindfold hours ago and his hazy eyes had to stare to focus. “I don’t want to do anything you don’t want to do.” A strange desperation twitched into the edge of his voice. “I would never force you to do something you don’t want to do.” I didn’t pay it much mind then. I should have.

“You won’t be forcing me to do anything. Kiss me already, I’m-” It was unlike anything I’d ever felt in my life. No man had ever kissed me like that. His hands moved across my back, he pressed against me just for a moment. He was so strong but controlled. I flushed when he stepped back.

“Good night, Katherine.” I didn’t have to be so pushy after that. I mean, I did have to take his hand and put it under my blouse the first few times but it was always worth the trouble. Ivan wasn’t like other men. He didn’t feel entitled, he didn’t take any moment for granted even after we’d been together for months. Ivan made me feel like I was the most precious thing in the world. I thought everything was going along quite well until I made the mistake of undoing his trousers. He was already ready for more, we were both breathless in his house, his hands all over me. I thought he’d be happy- most men would be- but the instant my hand slipped below his waistband he was five feet away from me.

“What are you doing?” he panted. I was completely confused.

“What do you think I was doing?” I got off the bed, ran my fingers down his heaving chest, kissed him. He was tense but yielded to my touch. “It’s okay, I want to.” He was still hesitant so I took his hand and guided it down my skirt. That seemed to tap into a little more of the male behavior I was used to. Even so, it was quite a few weeks before he quit flinching when I touched him. A woman wants to be taken once in a while, feel that passion of her partner just barely holding back. That was not Ivan. He would not skirt any action that might be considered pushy. And he still worked. He would leave for varying amounts of time. Usually it was a few days but after we were married he was gone for nearly two months. We were still newlyweds, I thought I’d make his return special for him. He was as considerate and skilled as ever. I kissed his neck, then his chest, his strong stomach, just below his bellybutton…

“Kate, no.” It was surprisingly abrupt as he took me by the shoulders and pulled me up. He looked at me very sternly, stopped me from shrugging him off. “Never. Not ever.”

“Okay, I get it. I thought you’d like-”

“I don’t.” We went on with our evening but it wasn’t quite as fun. There were some other quirks I didn’t learn about until we were already married. He waited until he thought I was asleep and then he’d go to the other room. Every night. I peeked in on him once and he was thrashing and whimpering, his whole body jerking, trembling, sweating. I don’t think he got through a night without a nightmare. Sometimes he came back from work as happy as ever, but there were times he didn’t want me anywhere near him. He’d come home, I wouldn’t have seen him for weeks and he would dodge my welcome.

“Just give me a day, Kate,” he would insist. It was on one of his ‘days’ when we went to the Ajax house for dinner. He and Kael had some unspoken bond and the instant Kael saw him he took him aside. The pair of them left Sophia and I to chat without them for quite a while. She was a very kind woman and I knew she would be one to understand some of the issues with Ivan. After all, how many times had Ivan been called on by her to talk to her own husband?

“Something troubling you?” She could tell I was in poor spirits. I reluctantly described some of our incidents, particularly in the bedroom. She listened thoughtfully then looked around to be sure we were absolutely alone.

“You know, he was a young boy travelling with a group of older men for years. I don’t want to imagine what they might have done to him or made him do as a child.” She shuddered. I felt incredibly stupid for not thinking of it myself. My disgust must have shown on my face because Sophia raised an eyebrow. “He has told you something, hasn’t he?” I shook my head. “Really? I know he hasn’t said anything to Peter and if he’s said anything to Kael he hasn’t told me. But I thought for sure… have you ever asked him?”

“Well, no…”

That got that idea into my head. I mulled it over for a few days which was long enough for Ivan to settle back in to being home. I set down dinner in front of him and took a seat.

“This smells amazing, Kate. Thank you for making it.” He said that every time but it was always sincere. I pushed my food around my plate and the words around my head.

“You know, Ivan, I was just thinking today…”

He may not have had the best eyesight but he could see me coming a mile away. He paused, sitting up and tipping his head suspiciously. What was the worst that could happen?He could just not answer me.

“Oh yeah?”

“Just, you know, I was curious. I was just wondering what your older brother’s name was? Or your parents’?”

Ivan’s fork hovered in the air. He didn’t blink, he didn’t breathe, he didn’t move a muscle. I thought for certain I’d broken him somehow. After a moment he shuddered back to life, the corner of his eye twitching.

“My parents were Elizabeth and Robert. My brother was Malcom.” That was all he said, hunching over his plate as though giving me a physical warning not to go on. I couldn’t help it. I got a little annoyed with him. All the things I put up with? All the whispers about him I ignored? Now he was going to act like it was such a chore to tell me one little thing about himself?

“It was a simple question, Ivan,” I scoffed. “You don’t tell me anything. What am I supposed to think when you act the way you do?” Ivan went right on eating as though he hadn’t heard me. I crossed my arms and shook my head. “Unbelievable.” When his plate was clean he neatly set his utensils down, wiped him lips, and placed his hands down on the table. When he peered over the table at me it was as a man I’d never seen before. There was no life in him. He’d gone as cool as a corpse.

“Is there anything else you’d like to ask? By all means, now is the time.” He put it out there like a challenge. You think you can handle this? Go ahead. Try me. I wasn’t going to back down, not now.

“Am I your first girlfriend? Were there others?” A stupid question to some maybe but he knew things he wouldn’t know if I’d been his first. It was important to me.

“No, you’re not the first. I’ve had two others. Prostitutes that got too attached really. The Twelve killed one and had me kill the other one.” I think he’d wanted that to scare me off with that but I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction. Looking back on it now, that wasn’t his nature. It was all in my head. He never made himself my adversary, I did. “Anything else?”