The Unspoken

I hope this story will

Books really shouldn’t begin like this. Just jumping into the action. But that’s how I will do it.

I’m currently waiting to go to PHP. It stands for Partial Hospitalization Program.

It’s for my mental health. I didn’t want to go. But I was forced to. I just wanted to focus on academics.

It’s so boring to wait on my own. I hate that I have to wear pajama-like clothes. It’s annoying. I prefer elegance.

I’m waiting with my dad. He’s on his phone. So am I. Just writing this. Oh well.

I don’t get why everywhere we go he has to look elegant. Just why. Maybe because he works so much in corporate.

A lady walked into the lobby. Check in with everyone making sure they are here. So many different people are here. Different styles of clothes. Different races. But they mostly just wore pajamas-like clothing

She just walked up to me. She asked for my name. I replied with Giuliana. She had to make sure that spelling and pronunciation were correct. People tend to mess it up a lot.

Currently in my first group. Art group.

People here are interesting. Most of them are older than me. Some were talkative some quiet. But it wasn’t all the same people as from the lobby.

The staff woman began to explain what was where and also checked in with everyone plus asked about goals for the day. We said our names and pronouns too. (Just like in every other group)

I wasn’t a fan of that as a Christian myself.

But when we had time to do whatever I took some yarn and made a bracelet. It was pink, blue, and dark blue. I braided it. It was a good distraction.

People around me seemed good at drawing. A girl was in front of me. Her name was Izzy I think. She’s sixteen, just two years older than me. Tried to make conversation with her. She somewhat seemed interested.

As I was doing my bracelet, someone other came by. Didn’t catch their name but they were wearing my school merch. It gave me an uncomfortable feeling. It wasn’t nice.

Later we shared drawings. Izzy made a “psychedelic drawing” as she calls it.

Yeah maybe she ripped it up, but there is still some creativity in it.

Eventually, I went to my second group. I got pulled out of it so many times. Once to go answer a questionnaire about my self-harm.

And second, to talk to my psychologist. He was so tall. But he was of Polish heritage which was cool. I think I made a good impression.

When I came back I saw Adam. He’s around 17. Black hair, and a somewhat beginning visible black beard. He wanted to pick up the cards that were on the floor. I asked him why. He replied that just wanted the area to be neat.

For some reason, people kept on throwing them. Flicking them even. I just sat back in my blue plastic chair and watched.

But after some time it was a process group. It allows for people to be honest about their situations. And even talk about them.

I was so happy to see Ash walk in. She’s one of the best staff members. She had just such an excited tone. Yet spoke like someone who watches 11 hours of TikTok.

Cj came up with a question that can be asked when introducing yourself. there was generally an extra question when introducing yourself in every group.

But Cj’s question after a long time of discussing it was “If you were an insect what would you live on?”

Everyone there was asked the question.

I replied to it with a dragonfly and a willow tree. Everyone else had said willow tree a lot so that’s why I mentioned it.

I didn’t know what I would talk about so I just said that I wanted to talk about why I was there.

I didn’t get picked to talk. We only had time for three people. I was so bored. And others who didn’t talk seemed bored too.

But one girl who got picked to talk I listened. She had some problems at school with others. And it had to be settled in court. That’s the only one I listened to.

Lunch came I didn’t know what to get so I got rice and rice noodles. I had no idea of what to get.

At the table I sat at originally I was so bored. Didn’t talk to people. I was stuck inside my mind. I wanted to talk to Tom. My boyfriend. But he wasn’t there. I might call him after I finish.

But out of my reach, I noticed that there was a table that seemed chatty. I decided to go to it. Tom was there. He has short black thin wavy hair. And also Adam was there. They were talking about anything. I was just drawing houses. Adam was very involved in the conversation. I just listened. Sometimes I said a bunch of things. I even got them to laugh at my jokes. I was glad I did.

I went to a school group. Caught up on French homework. Izzy was there too. I’m glad to see someone I talked to before in the area with me.

And the last group just spoke on entitlement. It was partially interesting. Some people were sitting still. Some people had a lot of movement. But I just zoned out and did math equations in my head. Or even drew houses.

Tom led the group session. He said a lot about it. He was able to consider all opinions and maybe even add his own. I liked that.

At 2:50p.m I got let out. That’s when we always get out.

I got in my Uber and went home.

I need to stop writing in Morse code help. I don’t get why I do it. I feel like I have to. Otherwise, I won’t be able to feel heard. If it’s on paper then someone might see it.

It’s day two now. Just waiting for the Uber to come.

I feel like I might speak out in my group about how I may have an eating disorder. Like how food tends to make me sick from time to time. I feel like I should speak out on that. I’ll try to.

I’m in the lobby now. I’m sitting by Izzy. I didn’t notice she was there. I showed her my houses, all of the ones I drew.

I don’t want to bother her anymore. She seems busy with what she’s listening to on her headphones.

There are other people today, some that were here beforehand with me. Some that were new. It always changes a lot of who is here.

The lady who does check-ins came by. She’s nice.

I wish I could get Izzy’s phone number. I would love to talk to her more. But here is the thing. We can’t.

The lady told me that I got the group in the art studio again. I’m glad I do. I like it there.

Hopefully, I keep on getting art studio first in the morning. I like it. I don’t want to get other stuff I don’t know.

When I filled out my sheet I was very honest. Yes, I mentioned that I wanted but didn’t self-harm.

I got to make a yellow, blue, pink, and beige bracelet.

I began also making this optical illusion drawing. I got pulled out by my case manager when doing so. Her name was Luna. She was going to manage my case. I told her about my eating habits and self-harm thoughts.

Eventually, I got to go back to the group.

As I kept on drawing the girl from my school came by. She talked to the staff in our room. Said that she had a headache. But other staff members told her to go to the ER. And she seemed like she wasn’t going to that.

After the hour passed I went to the skills group. I was bored. Tom kept on talking about how social media acts upon our mental health.

I was so distracted in my thoughts. I just kept on imagining blood. Blood coming into the room. Blood on my shoes.

Eventually, I went to the process group. Got to speak to others. It made me happy. I got to say things that could help someone else. And I didn’t feel bored for once. Hopefully, I will get a moment to speak about how I am in the process group. Maybe tomorrow.

Lunch was the best. I met someone from my school. I spoke to him about school. I also revealed that I go to the same school. We spoke for a little bit. But later he had to turn his shirt inside out. It said his last name on the back.

His abs were visible, from what I heard from others. I turned around of course. I couldn’t look at someone while they were changing.

After he finished someone told him that his abs were nice.