Humor Me

“Alright New York, who is ready for the man of the hour and a half tonight!?”

A loud voice interjected the stereos leeching off the dark oak walls. Suspense built in the crowd and the lights all around the room began to dim. As the stage light turned on, the velvet drapes opened to reveal a rustic bar chair, a microphone stand, and a tall glass of orange wine. Every Thursday evening, Siren’s Palace held a so called stand up night. They would hand select the best of the best comedians to go crack cheesy jokes and mildly offend some of the largest crowds ever seen to fill a bar in the Lower East Side. Even with the traction that started to form around the bar through newspapers and local magazines, regulars were surprised with the amount of people who showed up for tonight’s show. The amount of university girls who showed up to be exact. It’s not that Siren’s Palace had a strong masculine presence that repelled young women or something; if anything, it was more the opposite. The interior is that of a 1960’s jazz club and the food grade is above average. It’s just that tonight was the night a certain comedian was making an appearance.

Known for his charisma, wittiness, and most importantly, west coast charm, the current heart throb of the entertainment industry, Roman Torres, was here for his All American Tour. The stop in New York was his last show for the rest of the year…so obviously people were searching high and low for an entrance to the bar. He was like every girl’s dream boy. With his sun dyed hair, muscular build, and a gaze that you would only see in a European perfume ad, he was the type of guy you would see in any typical romantic comedy and immediately fall for. At first, he was known online as one of the many “full package” comedians. As in full package, critics mean that he was mediocre but hot so they let it slide. Roman didn’t want that name for himself. Between a drunk promise he made and his refusal to be stereotyped so easily, he believed going on an official tour could prove that he is deserving of the title of a “well respected comedian”. And so he put his all into every show in his attempt to rebrand himself. Tonight was no different.

Or that is what he had hoped for. Even easy going guys like himself tend to be on the edge from time to time. While Roman prepared to go on stage, he took one last look in the dressing room mirror.

“You got this Roman.”

He claimed aloud as he pushed the hairs back that fell loose from their usual place. “You got this you got this you got this.”

Roman didn’t know why he was so nervous tonight . ‘God, why today of all days?’ The stressed man mentally facepalmed as he took in a deep breath to try to fight his nerves. Considering the fact that this was probably the most he had ever rehearsed for a show, there was no reasonable explanation behind him stressing over everything and nothing at once. Could it be the pressure of performing in the city he thought he could only dream of visiting?… Pressure. He didn’t want to think about it any longer. However, the anxiety that followed the thought of pressure kept crawling up his back and into his brain like a resistant parasite that refused to release grasp of its host. What if he said something really generic and no one laughed?What if no one showed up because Manhattan’s taste doesn’t fit the likes of some drop out from Florence, Oregon? Fuck. What if his parents were there? …As if. Thoughts kept spiraling through Roman’s mind and began to pace back and forth muttering god knows what to calm himself. Luckily, an abrupt knock from the door quickly caught his attention. “Shit. Is it time already?”

Roman went to go grab the gold stained knob to see who it was. But before he could reach it, the person on the other side opened it instead.

“Torres.”

…Only one person called him Torres.

“Oh. Hey Stone.”

Yes, the Lachlan Stone; former DJ in the 305, manager, and best friend of Roman with a dialect only consisting of profanity and lyrics to ABBA songs. His deep toned skin followed with even deeper eyes that could confuse someone into thinking he was a statue. His face was perfectly defined and had always kept a stoic expression around his colleagues. It really took a lot to get under his skin. If you weren’t Roman of course. Even with the over bearing presence Lachlan made, Roman’s panic quickly died down as soon as he saw the 22 year old scowl that had been plastered over Lachlan’s face since the day he met him.I mean, they have been best friends since grade school. It was almost natural to see the pair together in fact. Roman was always getting into trouble and Lachlan was there to get him out of it; a true Ying and Yang dynamic.

Before speaking again, Lachlan tried his best to calm down to not cause a greater scene. Employees of the bar had began to gather and watch the situation unfold.

“Listen dipshit. You were supposed to be on 5 minutes ago. Honestly I don’t want to know what-” Lachlan paused and looked back to make sure no one hears what he had to say next. “..or who you’re doing in there that’s making you take so long but if you aren’t out there on stage right now doing whatever the fuck you do I’m gonna shove my foot so far up your ass your-”

Roman gently pushed the hot head to the side and practically skipped to the backstage area of Siren’s Palace. He knew that Lachlan’s main concern right now is Roman and is only trying to make sure he doesn’t flake, so he just let his empty threats slide under the rug.

“I’m on it Lachlan. Thank you for the kind reminder!”

Roman waved with a big, almost exaggerated smile before he turned the corner.The workers then looked away like if nothing ever happened and continued their conversations between their cliques about what on earth they just saw unfold. Lachlan on the other hand just stood there debating whether he should be even more pissed off his childish friend’s antics lead to causing a scene or oddly relieved same the childish friend didn’t really put up much of a fight. For professional reasons of course , all he can do is just laugh to himself and walk into the dressing room to pick up his best friend’s belongings. In the midst of delicately folding Roman’s clothes from earlier in the day, a small yet still visible smile grew on Lachlan’s face as he clutched the shirt he had been working on harder.

“He’s really trying to get his ass served to him on a silver plater later.”

After the encounter with Lachlan, Roman looked up at the clock hung on the wall right before the large door that read “Stage Entrance”. Lachlan was right. It was now 9:10pm… his show was at 9 on the dot. He winced when he realized that there was a possibility the bar might raise the stage fees because of his late arrival. Shaking off any negative thoughts left in his brain, he pushed the door open and walked onto stage. Not before checking the small hand mirror laying on a table beside him. Roman tried his best to scan his full outfit using such a small reflection. He wore a simple brown hoodie followed with beige toned pants that perfectly colored coordinated with his off white sneakers. The man readjusted the thin gold chain around is neck so the clasp wasn’t forward while resting the mirror back in it’s original spot. Roman closed his and for the final time he said, “You got this.”

The crowd had already began an uproar of cheers and lifting their drinks towards the rising comedy star as soon as he stepped out. With a his signature smile, Roman shot both his hands up into peace signs while he ran on the wine stained carpets. When he reached the middle of the stage, he laid back on the creaky chair and spun the wine in his glass around before he took a long sip. He then reached for his microphone and tapped it twice before talking into it to make sure it worked.

“What’s up big apple?”

This time, the applause around the small, earthy scented room was filled of the shrills of girls who had a little too much to drink and yelled like they were in the presence of some superstar A lister. Roman shook his head and laughed at the sight of them getting drunk this early into the night. “Man, some of you guys got their hands on too many vodka sodas tonight. Come on East Side, I thought you were better than this.” Right when Roman was about to follow up began with his bit, The door slammed open and someone walked in.

“What’s with people and bursting through doors today? First my manager and now this chick. Did Lachlan send you here to tell me I made a double booking? Or I left a candle on in the dressing room?” The comedian playfully rolled his eyes and went to address the elephant in the room. Once the man got a good look at the said “elephant”, he realized she was no elephant. She was a fucking swan. He could tell she just got out of a long shift at work, but still some how maintained to captivate his eyes with just her sheer beauty. She appeared graceful, delicate, and straight up royalty if he had to be honest. Something was foreign about her, like she was different from any other woman he’s seen before right then and there. And that was what seemed to draw Roman in.

“My God..”

He realized that his words slipped between his lips without him thinking. In an attempt to cover his minor slip up, Roman tried to get the girl’s attention using the oldest trick in the book, embarrassing her with a joke.

“Hey you! Brunette in the back!”

The stage lights miraculously turned to said brunette who had just settled in her stool at the bar next to girls that could only be assumed to be her friends. The florescent lighting reflected off her tanned skin and bounced off her loosely curled hair that would make you think the lighting director perfectly angled it to highlight her features. Roman could tell that he may be putting her in an uncomfortable situation for someone who just arrived late to the show, but he didn’t care all that much. This was his job and being interactive with the audience was one of the many perks he got away with. Especially with cute girls as herself. Even with the plan gone successful, the look he got from her was nothing like he expected. She looked at Roman with a sort of glare that mixed confusion and annoyance into one rather than the more peaceful gaze that rested on her doll like face before. Roman was pleasantly surprised with her response and only grew more interested in what she would do next. So he tried to cut the tension between them by asking a simple question.

“So, what’s your name sweetheart?”

Women of all ages in the crowd began to make sounds that not even a primate could understand. There were “Oooh’s” and “Ahhhh’s” like they were in the midst of watching a soap opera.

“Um, my name is Monicah. Why?”

Why

Her response was short and stern. Monicah’s eyes traveled the crowd who had their own eyes on her and then looked directly at Roman. He gave her a smile; not a sarcastic smile like the ones he gave Lachlan or the handsome smile that grew while he talked. It was a faint smile. One that you can see if you pay close enough to a person’s features.

“You know Monicah, you remind me of someone I know really well. Tell me, do you play any sports?”

He paused to see her expression soften while she thoroughly processed his question. Roman scanned her body again from her hair to the type shoes she was wearing. Trying to hold in his laugh, he continued his question. “Golf maybe? Or fishing?”The crowd had taken one look at the outfit the girl wore and got where he was going to take this. Monicah wore a loosely buttoned dress shirt with a tie that looks like it was tied by a blind guy. Not to mention, she had the classic middle aged man shoe and khaki combo going on.The pale eyed girl was late to the party of realization apparently as she fed more fuel to the fire.

“I don’t have time for sports.”

She was really setting herself up now. and Roman wasn’t gonna waste no time to take this opportunity.

“Man I get you, being a full time dad must be tiring. I mean coming all the way from the 9 to 5just to see me must make your wife and kids think you’re gay!”

The bar soon filled with laughter. Monicah tried to hide her embarrassment because he knew he wasn’t wrong. She was definitely underdressed for a Thursday night at a bar. She took a look across the bar to see three bald guys dressed exactly like her. Monicah didn’t know what game he was trying to play, but she wanted to take no part in it. She just turned her chair completely toward the bartender to order a cocktail.

Roman obviously got the reaction he wanted. Just seeing how mad she got just from one jab made him want to do it more.

“Aww! Don’t worry daddy, I’ll be a good boy and stay quiet.”