SILENT SUFFERING
It was one of my weekends when I received a call from one of my regular old customers, Mr. Roger DeSilva. He told me he was in the city and wanted to meet up.
It had been almost three months since he last called. He had been busy sorting out some personal problems, which I couldn't care less about. Meeting up with him usually had only one priority: fucking each other until our brains stopped functioning. He was a fucking maniac in bed, which was what I loved most about this guy. According to him, fucking first, everything else later.
When I received his call, a smile appeared on my face. He had become a good friend and had helped me clear my debts. Nothing comes for free in this world, especially when you're the one receiving help. Everyone tries to take advantage of the situation, and he was no different. In exchange, he asked for what he wanted. I didn't take a second to think before saying yes because most of the people I had expected to help me had backed away. The true colours of my friends had finally been revealed, but by then, it was already too late.
I reached the same hotel room, and the moment he heard a knock, he didn't even bother checking who it was. He simply pulled me inside. The next thing we knew, we were stripping as though we had been craving each other for centuries.
Every encounter with him was pretty much the same. No formalities, no unnecessary gestures. As I said, fucking came first.
Soon after we came together, we took a few minutes to catch our breath before getting ready for another round.
He positioned me with my back against the wall and started thrusting into me. It wasn't as though this was my first time or that he was my only customer. Still, the pain was unbearable. I closed my eyes, hoping to endure it, but that turned out to be another bloody mistake.
My mind immediately filled with that same charming smile. He came like the wind, swiftly turning my world upside down. I couldn't even blame him for the course of action. All I could do was endure it.
I had been trying to get rid of those memories for the past five years in my own way. Sleeping with so many people and having sex had helped me release some of my frustration, but not once had I succeeded in getting rid of that enchanting smile. It continued to haunt me every single day, even in my dreams.
I could no longer make out who was winning or losing in this battle. But judging by my condition over the past five years, he was undoubtedly the one winning. And out of everything, I could make sense of only one thing: I was suffering silently.
Whenever I woke up, I would question myself. When would I finally win this battle and get rid of his thoughts? Why did I have to endure all this?
He had probably moved on successfully, throwing everything we had into the garbage. He had that ability. So why the hell was I failing to do the same?
My eyes were already wet. Roger had finally come, and I hadn't even bothered about my own satisfaction. Customer satisfaction was the main fucking priority.
We were exhausted and lying on the bed. Roger paid for my services and begged me to spend the night with him. If it had been any other day, I probably would have agreed. But too many emotions were beginning to overwhelm me, and all I wanted was to be alone.
Roger knew nothing about my past, and I intended to keep it that way forever.
At last, I got ready to say goodbye. As I reached the door, he pulled me into a passionate kiss. This guy had treated me like his 'wife' from the very day we met. He never let me leave his place without giving me a kiss. Until today, it had never meant anything to me. He was my customer, nothing more and nothing less.
Finally, I stepped outside. The weather was pleasant, and after taking a deep breath of fresh air, I started walking towards my flat.
The same old memories began haunting me again. Tears welled up in my eyes, and neither the tears nor his images seemed to come to an end.
The sentence he had said on that fateful night started replaying in my mind.
'Don't worry. Whenever you fall, I will always catch you. Just fall.'
I had been fucking falling every single day for the past five years, hoping he would catch me at least once. But that hadn't happened till today.
A bloody promise made in haste, one he had never intended to keep. A fucking bastard!
After reaching my flat, I freshened up, but I didn't feel like eating anything. I lay on the bed, lost in my thoughts.
Even after all these years, I still hadn't found answers to so many questions. Did we deserve this? Did I deserve this? Why did I have to go through everything? It wasn't even my fucking mistake, was it? Was it really necessary to drag me into all of this?
He had come like the wind, turned my world upside down, and vanished without a trace.
The irony was that I couldn't even blame him because we had both been victims of the situation.
I had prepared my own set of plans to avenge him for everything he had put me through. Ever since the day he bid me goodbye, I had been waiting for him to appear before me. He had pulled the trigger and walked away without even bothering to check whether the person he had shot was dead or alive.
I wasn't going to make the same mistake.
I wanted him to come before me at least once. I didn't want all my plans to go in vain. I wanted him to show up, just once.
Another day passed with the same craving.
I didn't want my wish to come true. I could endure this for as long as I possibly could, but if he ever appeared before me again, I honestly didn't know what I would do.
Bloody fate! I was fed up with wiping away my tears. Even my room seemed tired of watching me in this vulnerable state.
