The key of Self

“The key is seen by those who aren’t afraid of their reflection.”, that’s what my father used to remind me of, when I was younger. Back then I didn’t know what he meant, “why would anyone be scared of their reflection? It’s still them!” I always replied to him, to which he wouldn’t answer me, he’d just chuckle and change the subject.

The last few years, about 12 years since then, I used to fear my reflection. I feared not the man in the mirror, but the judgement I knew I’d find in his eyes. That’s why I had removed the mirror from my bathroom a month back. I could not stand the idea of him judging me, every movement.

My fear of self did not manage to stop me, I still found a way to keep living my life. I had not, however, let anyone get close to me, as I knew what they were thinking, I could read those grey people’s thoughts like a journal. I can feel the judgement on how I dress, walk and talk.

I recently realised how they never warned me about this. They told me not to care about others’ judgements of myself. Instead they never talked about how the worst judgement could often come not from your friends, not by your family, but from your closest confidant, they can and will come from you.

One day, what felt like any other, at work I stumbled upon a coloured soul. Their smile was wide and honest, their eyes bright like the sky which I later noticed was. They apologised. Right then I realised I had never seen them before. We greeted each other quickly after. Her name was River, and she just got the job. I accompanied her to her new office, which we both were surprised to see that ours were close. Once we both went our way, I noticed a smile was on my face, unbelieving I tasted it with my hand. I was starting to see brighter colours, the souls still stayed all grey, except for River.

The following days we got to know each other better, we shared the break, helped each other out with the technical difficulties we usually come across. She is from a small countryside-town, her brother moved here so she “grabbed the opportunity by its sleeves and held on tight”, she talked about Opportunity as if she was a friend of hers, referring to it by “her”, “she” etc…

We started taking the bus back home together, she got off a couple of stops earlier than me. She was a charged battery in an old bedside-lamp.

As the days went on, I started feeling my feelings rather than letting them take over me. One day I invited her over, I showed how I didn’t have many mirrors. “We have to fix this, you are the most beautiful and important person in your whole life!” she stated firmly, then broke into a smile. A charged battery. Once I accompanied to her home’s entrance and got back home, I put back the mirror in my bathroom, still covered in paper.

Everyday she told me a story about her past. I didn’t have much to tell her, so I kept myself quiet. She didn’t seem to mind it. She was really content. She taught me about her daily rituals, her own myths and legends. Turns out Opportunity isn’t the only personification of hers, with her there is also Time and Chance. Time and Chance, according to River, don’t always go well together.

A few years ago, her brother moved to another city again, she didn’t follow him this time and was then looking for a place to stay. I offered my spare small bedroom, which I used as a repository. She was really excited and moved in right after.

While we moved the boxes from the small bedroom, I remembered how mirrors used to be all over the place. She was thrilled when I showed her all the old dusty mirrors.

That night, we decided to watch a movie that neither of us has ever seen. Once it ended, we spoke our mind about it. As we talked I felt like it would be nice to share the story of the key. So I did. “.. and the key can be seen by those who aren’t afraid of their reflection.” I told her, she was lying on the sofa, belly up, and I was sitting on a chair.

“Oh that’s why you didn’t have any mirrors!” I nodded “I once was afraid of the girl in the mirror too, so I can understand.”, hearing this visibly shocked me. She smiled and turned upside down. “Yeah I know, in my defence it was long ago.” she giggled “all it takes is a person, a new soul.”. I agree with that, that one person is all it takes.

As the days went by, I started seeing the true colours of what I used to see as a grey blob. One day, the paper on the bathroom’s mirror started falling. Soon after that, I could see my face in the mirror, and the wide smile in it.

River and I started going on dates. We clicked. We went on more.

A few months ago we decided to start trying to start a family. “Hopefully one day, Chance and Time will agree upon us.”

Yesterday, while we were preparing to go to the doctor’s appointment, right when I was leaving the bathroom, I saw a glimpse of the key. I smiled as I remembered my father’s words.