I'm All Out of Love
Damian
The fresh air I breath in is suddenly heavier. I try to smell what is wrong, instead inhale. My throat tried to cough out the water but it’s too late and I have inhaled water that I never should have. But why am I in the river? I don’t do such risky stuff but why did I jump in here? Right, I’m trying to find something, peace!
Water level is rising or maybe it is the same and I am sinking. As I sink, swimming becomes a tough task and I let go. But before I reach the endless end someone shouts my name, ‘Damian!’
It is not him. The voice calls out again. It is a woman. ‘Damian!’ This time I am forced to break my montage and force open my eyes, only to realize I’ve been day dreaming again. I sigh and cough the water out of my lungs.
‘Damian!’ Now I recognize my mother’s voice. I got out of the bathtub and wrapped a towel around my waist. I opened the door she was banging on.
‘What is it?’ I asked.
‘Why is your voice as if you’re really tired? Is everything okay?’ She asked in return.
I stare at her. ‘Mom, did you come in here to ask this?’
‘Something is wrong. I do not know what but there is definitely something off about you. We are not even talking to each other properly.’
I will not deny it, lately I have been taking less and less interest in people, even my family. Nothing feels right. But I do not know how to tell her this or ask for some space.
‘There is just too much work at the university. Exams are coming.’
She kept a hand on my shoulder. ‘I knew it was work. You are too focused on work that you hardly have time for other things a normal person your age should be doing.’
‘I don’t follow. What is it that I should be doing?’
‘Dating, Damian. You should try and meet new people and fall in love. It’s time you let us meet your girlfriend.’ I removed her hand from my shoulder. The way she eyes me tells me she is already upset that I will say no.
‘Sorry, Mom. But if this is what you want, I don’t think we’re on the same page.’
‘Son….’
‘Mom, I’m all out of love. There’s nothing left in here.’ I pointed towards my heart.
Her eyes look distraught yet suspicious at the same time. ‘Did you date someone? Why do I not know about it?’
‘It is my personal life. I don’t want to discuss this further.’ I told her.
‘Sometimes, I wish you would be not this person. I miss my son who used to share stuff with me.’ I didn’t want to waste time to tell her that I never shared stuff with her and she was the only one thinking I did all the time.
‘I am getting late for work.’ I said and moved past her. She sighed and went out the door. I’m sure she will not give up and would want me to tell her but both my parents don’t need to know about my stint as a mafia’s lover. To even think about it is painful. I gulped and went about getting ready to go to work.
‘There are theories that negate the evolution of humans from this branch………’ I gave my lecture as usual and received a strong reaction at the end for mentioning an assignment.
‘Professor Rodriguez, we already have two assignments from you.’ A student said.
‘Both of which were to be submitted last week. Now it is not my fault that you guys are late.’ I reverted and he sat back muttering some cuss word. I rolled my eyes. A master’s student behaving that way definitely paid his way here.
‘I’ll extend the deadline if you all agree for the study trip to the museum that you’ve been trying to cancel.’
‘It’s boring and more work!’ The student spoke again.
‘I don’t understand why have you enrolled in this class if everything is boring for you.’ I shot back.
He looked away chewing his gum, annoying me further. But someone else answered for him. ‘Coz, he finds you hot!’ And the class burst in laughter and howls. His eyes widened, so did mine and we looked at each other. I raised a brow and he averted his eyes again. What the hell?!
‘Silence!’ I shouted and dismissed the class. The student ran faster than anyone else as if trying to escape from me. Did he really like me or something?
I shrugged and went out myself. That was the only class for the day so I went someplace I visited frequently. I drove to the restaurant that was bustling with customers as usual. The rush was normal for the owner but without help she seemed to be struggling.
I went inside and took the plates from her, ‘Let me help.’
‘Oh, Damian! You’re here.’
‘I am. Which table?’
She pointed the one on my right and I nodded. I served the dishes to the couple sitting there and returned back to the lady.
She smiled and asked, ‘Got off work early today?’
‘Just had one class.’
‘You should be resting. You look tired.’
‘My mom says so too.’
‘Why wouldn’t she when you look like you have not slept in last one year.’
I gave her a small smile. It’s been a year already. A year since……
‘I almost forgot to give you this.’ I took out the letter from my pocket. Her face lit up seeing it, just like it did every time.
She took it from me and began reading. I followed her eyes as they move from one word to another and swell up with tears. She misses him. What mother will not?
‘He says he misses me.’ She spoke.
‘I’m sure he does.’ I smile as if I do not know what happened to her son. The images of that fateful night flash before my eyes. No! Snap out of it, Damian. It took you long enough to get that mess out of your head. I told myself.
‘Did he right anything else?’ I ask as if I have not written every word in that letter that River’s mother thinks is written by him.
‘River said it will take him more time to get back to me. I wonder what is taking him so long to come back?’ I feel suffocated at her innocent question. How do I tell her that he only son is dead! Not to mention the guy I loved; her son’s best friend is the one behind it.
‘The customers are waiting; we better serve them.’ I said and began shuffling the orders around the table.
I feel pathetic doing this to a mother. For last couple of months, I have been writing a letter pretending to be River and giving it to his mother to ensure she does not realize that he is gone. I pretend everything is fine when it is not. As the pain in my heart continues to grow, I am turning into this person that I absolutely detest and there is nothing I can do about it.
As we close the restaurant for the day, I noticed River’s mother going to the counter. ‘No! That is not….’
She denies and still hands me some bills. ‘I never let any part-timer work here for free.’
‘I am not a part-timer.’
‘To me you are.’ This is her drawing a line. In past few months I have come in here a lot but she never opened up much about her feelings, not that I expected her to. But I did realize, she was not like the usual oversharing mothers.
‘Then I will accept it.’ I took the money and returned to my car. I was driving back home when I received my mother’s call.
‘Mom, I am on way home.’ I told her.
‘No need to come home. I need you to run me an errand.’ She said.
‘What is it now?’
‘Us friends were supposed to meet today to celebrate a birthday.’
‘So?’
‘I could not go as I was not feeling well.’
‘Are you okay?’
‘I am now but I missed the celebration and now she is upset.’
‘What do you want me to do?’
‘Can you meet her at the restaurant and buy her a present from my side?’ I pressed my lips together. I knew immediately, there was no birthday celebration and no one was waiting for a gift.
‘You are setting me up with someone despite me telling you I do not want to date.’ My voice was past the usual decibel. But I did not care.
‘So, what do I do? Watch my boys be single despite being good catch!’
‘Mom! Can you not….’ I sighed.
‘Meet her. She is a friend’s daughter and she is lovely.’
I should deny but something tells me she will not let me. So, I reluctantly agree. ‘Fine. Send me the location.’
After a half an hour drive, I was at the restaurant not-at-all ready to meet my blind date. My mother had given me a phone number so I called the girl. She didn’t pick up. ‘Great!’ I muttered.
I was about to go back happily despite my time being wasted but someone tapped my shoulder. I closed my eyes. Why is she here? I turn around and saw it was not the one I was expecting.
‘You?!’ Both of us said at the same time. This cannot be a coincidence, can it?
