My flower shop

20th February, 2023

My mother always told me that a strong Turkish woman needed to keep a smile, a pleasant innocent smile as a front. No other emotion can appear on their faces. That’s a sign of their strength.

And, at the age of thirty-two years old, I still hold that advice close to my heart, because even here opposite of what is supposed to be an expert in human emotions. I kept on smiling.

The lavender scent of the room was overwhelming the room, the walls were painted a faint yellow colour with large windows that gave a view of the whole city. The walls behind the specialist were covered in several diplomas and certificates. Though, the room was supposed to make people open up about their problems and heal their inner child. Unfortunately, it just added to my anxiety.

Then my eyes went to my assigned therapist, a woman of her mid-forties, for what I presumed. Short black hair, small black eyes, and freckles all over her face. Her name was Ms. Amani.

“you seem tense, Alya..” she called out to me.

I looked at the therapist and continued to bring that bright smile.

“I am just admiring the room” I lied, I was looking for a way to go out and run away as fast as I could.

“interesting.” she said calmly and asked the question “So tell me Alya, what brings you here today?”

The million-dollar question, seriously what brought me here?

My broken childhood

My traumatic incident

My fucked-up divorce

My low self-worth. and the list goes on, but I simply said

“Going to therapy is a requirement for me to continue working,” I said.

“Yes..” the therapist, called Amani stated as she took a sip of her water.

It was one of the requirements to continue having my job, which I was already planning to quit. I was under prohibition for two months, I needed to attend therapy with the company’s therapist and a weekly report will be given from her side to human resources.

I knew what would happen, it wasn’t my actual first time in therapy, I would answer politely, act remorseful, and tell her it was all a mistake, she then would write a nice report about our sessions and I would go back to my normal life.

“So, you want to talk to me about what happened?” she asked and stared back at me.

At the moment, I remembered that powerful feeling. That awesome feeling of getting my hands on her throat, of banging her head on the floor and yelling, of letting out all of my rage to the world on that deserved bitch.

“I hit a fellow employee...” I said “but I know now, what I did was wrong, totally wrong. I apologised and now, know my consequences”

“how do you feel about it?”

She deserved it

“I feel ashamed.. I shouldn’t have done it” I lied.

“This is a safe place, Alya.. I am here to help you process your feelings and what led you to aggressively hit a woman, bang her head on the floor that caused her bruises, pull her hair..” she repeated what was said in the report, and I knew what she was trying to do. Luckily for me, I already use reflecting methods on my six year old son all the time.

“I know that I… hit” I remembered the sound of the smack on her face “and banged” the sound of her head on the wooden floor “and pulled her hair…” the feeling of her perfect hair in my hands”

“I apologized, I went to visit her at her home and even brought her a gift.” I did do all of this. Truly, but it still felt like she deserved it.

“I don’t care about what you did with her, I care about you…what did it make you feel?”

Happy that I finally found justice with my hand

Finally, I was not that little good girl anymore and an aggressive bitch.

“it made me feel sorry for myself.” my vulnerable side that wanted to blurt out started, my brain wanted to hold me back, I agreed that I wouldn’t say anything but then again, if she had something she can help me with. Why not! I am a wreck.

“Okay..” she nodded her head “why would this incident make you feel sorry about yourself?”

“Because I flipped… ”

“it’s normal to experience these feelings when you kept them bottled inside of you all these past years..” she started “and then when that time came, that your body couldn’t handle it anymore.. the years of suppressing your emotions, came in a single incident”

I found myself nodding and then sighed to regain myself, I didn’t want her to open my past and my can of worms. I am content the way I am, just not what happened with my co-worker over her calling me a “lying bitch, who slept through my way to work…” I think I have endured enough.

“It’s okay… I will from now, on. control my emotions, regulate them and find myself, don’t worry” I smiled.

She frowned at me “I don’t want you to say it’s okay…” and she added “and who I am to justify telling, not to worry?”

“I am fine, I was tired that day, I had a lot going on.. work, my child everything at once, so it all bolted out to her” I justified again

She smiled and started to talk, in the midst of her talking I zoned out, went to my schedule of work today and this is when I heard her say.

“then will you find your purpose in life and what you actually like…” it hit me suddenly.

“My purpose in life is to be there for …” I replied, for Adam my son.

“this is not a purpose of life, Adam is part of your life… eventually he will grow up and make his own life..” she stated a fact, that I cannot get over with for a long time.

“then I have fulfilled my purpose..”

“What is it that you want to do, Alya…? Something you were passionate about and want to do it again”

I blurted out something, it has been a long time that I thought about “I want to open a flower shop..” I had an image of a flower shop I once saw in Paris in my childhood.

We exchanged smiles.

“that’s a wonderful dream… what is stopping you?”

“I don’t have time, between work and a single mother.. it’s too much” I said.

Amani stopped at those two words and started digging, as she asked a million questions about my work, what is it do I do? How long have I been working?

“I have been working as an assistant for the chairman, Mr.Eldar AlFadeli for over ten years. his job is demanding, it requires me to stay alert, and focused all the time”

“you seem proud of what you do..” she stated.

“I am, we have done a lot over the years..” I emphasised at ‘we’. Because, truth be told. I worked day and night for him, for his dreams and purpose.

“Have you ever stopped to realise, that what you have is an unhealthy relationship with your work? You practically married to it”

“I know, but we need to work 24/7 because of the….”

“No work in the world, needs you to exhaust yourself 24/7…. “

And I started to speak again, about how much I love my job, about how our security software is the best, what was amazing and then she asked voicing my worst fear in a question.

“Have you stopped and looked at how would your life look without your career..?”

The truth is, I have been thinking about it. A lot

“Yes I have..”

“So what will you do if you didn’t work as an assistant?” she asked, eyes focused on mine.

“I would open my own flower shop” I answered.

For the first time in the session, I said something that deep down inside was based on honesty.

I kept that lingering question in my mind all the walk back to my office, that question turned to a single statement. “Quit my job?” I whispered to myself as I walked from the therapist’s office to my office, on the 53rd floor.

The flower shop, was an idea I had a long time ago but, as she mentioned with the ten years I have been here I lost my dream, and my purpose in life, and continued to survive. Especially, after what happened.

First, I was supposed to be a temporary employee after my undergraduate.

Then continued my master’s degree and resumed work at the same position but with a higher income.

Then, I tried to change my position many times, succeeded once, and went back to being his assistant. Same workload in addition to bit of benefits.

Life interfered, not letting me for a single day just to stop and think of what the hell Am I doing here?

“Quit my job..” I murmured to myself, as I looked back at familiar corner, I spent some time in and felt like It was yesterday I was hired as an assistant in the Ministry of Cyber Security.

3rd of March, 2012

The row of applicants was split into two sides, females and males. The women dressed in elegant pencil skirts, jacket suits with no hair cover, and others with Hejab. While the men were wearing tailored suits. It seems that most of them were my age, young, ambitious, and hungry for the experience.

To apply for the job, for an assiofstant for the CEO of the Ministry of Cyber security. The name of our division is ‘Cyberlit’, responsible for securing households. Presidents, politicians and celebrities. They all use their security systems. With a gross network of 30,000,000 billion a year, it was the fourth growing division Turkey. The AlFadeli family, are an old respectful and prestigious family that is treated like royals. They are responsible for many developments across the country and founders of this department.

So, when I received a phone-call, that I passed a comprehensive oral exam to be selected with 30 other applicants for the interview for the role of an assistant. I was jumping on the end of the phone call while the robot was still giving me the great news

I looked briefly, at the other applicants and sighed, I simply wondered what was about me that was going to be different from these people.

“Ms. Alya Abbas” a woman called my name and I stood up quickly, fixed my long pencil skirt and jacket suits, and followed the elderly woman.

Be calm

Keep calm

They can see if you were nervous

I kept talking to my myself until I entered the large broad room. The large windows on the left showed the view of Istanbul from the 30th floor. It was a beautiful broad room, with leather chairs all around the oval table.

“Please sit down Ms.Abbas..” the elderly woman said and showed me the interviewer’s chair. When I sat down.

One woman and two men. Typical in every interview.

The woman was elegant, wearing glasses and a black jacket suit, she was focused on reading, what appeared to be my C.V., before she looked up from her tablet to look at me. The other man was also an elder with a hint of gray in his hair with a small figure. The last man was younger with black hair. From where I was sitting. Their features were hard to grasp, however, I noted to myself that most pleasant might be the elder man in the middle. that's who I will focus on most of the interview.

“Mrs.Abbas, congratulations on passing the exam. This is the second step of the interview if you pass. You will be on a 3-month trial, until we can secure you a position at our company” the elder woman started than introduced herself as Mrs. Noran

“Thank you for this opportunity, I am looking forward to our interview” I said and shifted my eyes, at the elder man in the middle, the CEO everyone admires, respects and fears. Mr. Eldar AlFadeli. Though very private in his personal life, had a reputation for the most admirable in his work-ethics, cut-throat negotiations and experience. And I simply wanted to learn from him.

I applied for this job, for him.

“I am Mr. Mehmet AlFadeli” I widened my eyes in surprise, as the middle man spoke “I am the head of finance at Cyberlit company” and this is, he turned to his left “Mr.Elder AlFadeli” I held my surprise, the young boyish-man, is the CEO of the company.

We locked eyes and I felt my chest tighten. Somehow, this young, this handsome could be the CEO.

The interview started smoothly, the questions at first, were all based on my knowledge, though I did not have any experience. The questions began to get more complicated, and interpersonal questions started as I felt Mr. Eldar eye’s never leaving me.

“Well, I think that’s all for now. do you have any more questions?” Mrs.Noran asked the elderly man, who shook his head while Eldar simply continued to stare and then he asked, his voice cutting through the silence, a deep masculine voice as I predicted it to be.

“What is your plan to do after you finish working for me?” he asked and I fell in silent for a while. Was he implying, that the assistant work was temporary for anyone, and no one continued?

I decided to take time to answer that question, if I answered “I wanted to work for you forever” that was bull and he would see right to it , If I said “I want to gather money..” that was obvious. This is where I said this.

“I would like to have my own business” I honestly answered.

“Interesting” he replied “And what would that be?”

“Opening my flower shop”

20th February, 2023

I smiled as I remembered that day, out of 30 applicants, I got the job.

I worked for three months, and those brutal three months that I have worked as Eldar’s assistant led to ten years, who could have imagined? A lot has happened,

And when I mean a lot has happened? I am not joking.

Those ten years were a roller coaster of adventures, opportunities, joyful moments, and disappointing, hurtful situations. However, I felt proud of what I was doing until a couple of months ago.

That thought still was in the back of my head as I went through the corridor to our offices and turned left to mine. 10 years ago, I was on another floor, with a small cubicle next to his office. Now I have my room that is connected to my boss’s office.

I went over, took my usual chair, opened my tablet and started through his schedule. The days started as usual, meeting with software developers, and then potential buyers. The usual, next was his hour at the gym and then his therapist at 5.00 pm.

“Did I really want to quit my job?” I asked myself. I had that idea in my mind a year ago, when I missed Adam's doctor’s appointment and kept beating myself about it that the strange idea of quitting my job, it came across my head. However, it vanished with Eldar’s busy schedule that I only could manage.

Another day, I went through the website of the ministry to see the steps of quitting a job. It was simple actually, send an email to your boss and human resources and start your one-month notice. Then, I left that window open on my laptop as I finished the endless report editing for Mr. Eldar. When I returned I knew that it was just a tap in my laptop that will never be closed, next to continuing my education. Travelling the world and more”

I had enough in the bank from my savings to start us a new life, a life not revolved around my boss’s schedule or career. A life I can give to myself and my son.

I went out of the realm of memories, as I heard the doors open. The head of Head of Cyberlit company entered with one of his bodyguards following him. The funny part is, that my boss was taller than his bodyguard, but then again, he was taller than any average person. The way he held himself while walking in his tailored suit made anyone quiver and admire the power in those steps, tall with board shoulders that showed a bit of his muscles. The Rolex watch that was more expensive than my rent showed his status. His face, the shaved black bread, the thick black hair that now had lines of white in it, and the big jaw lines and finely long nose, with thick eyelashes. He was every woman’s dreams. Their ‘sugar daddy’ as they called him. Unfortunately, it was accompanied by the worst personality ever. Arrogant, selfish, aggressive, and does not respect anyone’s boundaries. I cannot remember how many times; I cried over his ruthless comments.

That was until, I knew the layers he kept hidden inside, Deep down inside, the other face that I have seen many times, the caring, kind and generous man. He looked at me, I looked back and it seemed like after all those years, I knew exactly what he was thinking. I read him like a book, knowing that this book was encrypted with ancient codes that took so made effort for me to understand.

I stood up with respect and said “Good morning, your grace” I said, adding sarcastically, a joke both of us only knew because he hated to be associated with Royal. I brought my tablet and notepad. He nodded and went inside as I followed him in the office.

I stood at the door and continued to admire him all over, remembering the first time I’ve seen him in the broad room, a man of twenty-eight years old back then. Now, 10 years later, he was still successful, thriving, and reaching international waters and I could never be prouder that I was with him on this journey.

Eldar was looking at his schedule for today as I took my usual chair opposite of him. After a few minutes of reviewing it, I waited for it as he said.

“Cancel it” he said, without sparing a look at me

“I will not.” I said and continued with the schedule.

“I do not have time to talk to a stranger about I feel,” he replied in his usual sarcastic tone

“you shouldn’t have punched that man in the face in the first place” I answered and looked at him “you need to finish those sessions, or we will face more problems.”

This time did he look, with his hazel piercing eyes, that used to… emphasise on used to, make my throat dry and hands sweat, knocking out the air I breathe

Now it irritates me when he doesn’t listen to me and makes my life harder.

“Do you go to yours, Alya?” he asked.

I sighed “Yes..” I shifted my legs before I confirmed the session “you will be going..” I finally said and closed my tablet and looked back at him.

This work relationship we have, is a product of years of stressful bickering, fights, and anger. We reached to a point, where I bluntly told him the truth and he, as Eldar AlFadeli accepted the truth. But to be honest, it was simply too exhausting to fight each other, we simply got older.

When we fell silent, Eldar looked back at me to see if I had anything else “is there anything else?”

I closed and opened my fists several times, I was nervous, but this is what I kept telling myself for the past year. And nothing, will be easy but it had to be done.

“Yes, your Grace..” I ended with the formal addressing of his family “Thank you for all the opportunities you have given me these past ten years..” I started as he rested his elbows forward on the table and put his under his chin.

“Cut the crap, Alya..”

This gave me the push I wanted, he always urged me to voice my opinions “I want to resign..” I said those heavy words and he continued to stare “I will send an email and application attached” I continued “During my one-month notice I will recruit another assistant, which I know will be the best” I ended with a smile. He on the other hand, sat there, staring, and then started to laugh. his lips twitched a bit to form a smile.

“This is not your first time that you wanted to quit, send in your resignation, there are plenty of other applicants that can do your job..” he stated sarcastically and looked at me from the corner of his eye

“the question is, can YOU leave?” he challenged me.