Wtf?

Hello. My name is Avic, and I’ve been dreaming for YEARS…

It took me a long time of dreaming until I finally became pretty much continuously aware of the fact that I’m dreaming.

I now know that the last moments that I was awake in were when the car that I was a passenger in had gotten into an accident and I was screaming.

“But Avic,” you might ask, “aren’t you probably dead, rather than dreaming?”

No.

Or, at least, I don’t think so…

My understanding is that the afterlife is supposed to be different from what a dream feels like, and what I’m experiencing feels like dreams.

My best guess is that I’m in a coma or something right now, and am being kept alive but am unable to wake up.

I’ve gained a lot of control over my dreaming during the time that I’ve spent in dreamland, and it can be kind of fun sometimes.

For example, I can just imagine a theme park into being; and then I can go on the rides, and they feel very realistic.

And, yes, I can also summon up a Prince Charming if I like, and I’ll admit that I’ve had more affairs with ol’ Prince Charming than I’m proud of…

Hey!, don’t judge!… Hmph!… You know that you’d have some romantic fun if you were in my shoes, and don’t try to pretend that you wouldn’t!…

Anyhoo… Things were going pretty normally for a while, and I really was living the dream, wasn’t I?, but then things started to get out of hand and out of my control, and I don’t know why.

The first time that I noticed things getting out of hand and out of control was when I was having a jolly old time at the movies.

The movie was about halfway completed when a man suddenly popped up beside me and said, “I know how we can escape from dreamland and get to any afterlife that we like. Wanna try?”

I tried to imagine him away like I usually could do, but he wouldn’t go away!

“Why can’t I wish you away?” I asked, to which he smirked and responded, “because I’m not from dreamland, I’m from Purgatory.

It’s not the worst place ever, but when I found this portal into dreamland I hopped into it in hopes of finding someone who could get me into a better afterlife.”

“And why exactly do you think that I am your key to a better afterlife?” I asked in genuine puzzlement, to which he responded that, “I was given instructions by a fellow inmate in Purgatory, and so that’s how I know.”

“And what if your Purgatory inmate friend was just fibbing his tail off?” I asked curiously; to which he shrugged, grinned, and responded that, “I guess that’s for him to know, and for us to find out.”

I frowned, and asked, “Fine. So what are the instructions?”

“I’ll reveal them one at a time, so that I’m still able to keep secrets up my sleeve.” he said smugly, and then asked, “Which afterlife should we go to?”

“Well, Heaven is supposed to be the best one, right?” I responded, “And so how about we do that one.”

“Very good!” he said, “In order to get to Heaven, though, we’ll have to go through Hell.”

“Great…” I complained, “And so that means that Hell was going to be on the travel-plan no matter what?”

“Well, no.” he responded, “We could’ve gone back to Purgatory, and we also could’ve become ghosts or been reincarnated. None of those necessitate Hell being on the travel-plan.”

“But to ever get to Heaven, Hell has to be on the way?” I asked unhappily, to which he responded that, “That’s what my instructions say anyway.”

“Fine!” I grumbled, “So, how do we get to Hell from here?”

“So,” he said cheerfully, “you’ll have to imagine one of Satan’s minions over to here, and the minion will be able to lead us to Hell.”

I imagined a minion of Satan’s appearing, and suddenly! a scary looking minion appeared and said, “Where am I!?!… I need to get back to Hell!… Oh! Humans! ATTACK!”

“We’re your only way back to Hell!” my companion cried, “You have to lead us there, or you’ll be stuck away from the Devil forever!”

“Is that so…” the minion said suspiciously, “And so I can be Ya-doom! once we get to Hell then?”

“You can try.” I said warily, before asking, “You said that kinda funny… Is that your name or something? Ya-doom?”

“Yup!” the minion said proudly, “And what are you two’s names?”

“I’m Avic.” I said, “And I’m not sure what his name is, tbh…”

“Oh!, I’m Iniko!” my companion said enthusiastically.

“Woohoo.” the minion said boredly, “And I have no idea how to get back to Hell, but I guess I can try to lead you there.” and the minion suddenly! flew off and Iniko and I hurriedly flew off after the minion!

How could we fly, you might ask?

Well, remember that this was dreamland, and so normal rules of gravity and whatnot don’t really apply.

“I don’t think that Ya-doom has any idea how to lead us to Hell…” I said to Iniko, to which he responded, “Don’t worry! The instructions say that the minion will be able to lead us there, and so either Ya-doom will figure it out or we’ll figure out that I received bogus instructions.”

“There are so many ways that I could see this going wrong…” I said worriedly, but my concerns didn’t prevent me from continuing to try to search for Hell with my two strange companions.

We searched and searched and searched and searched, until Ya-doom suddenly! said, “A portal!! This will get us out of here and to Hell I think!” and Iniko and I quickly followed Ya-doom through the portal.

It did not, in fact, lead to Hell; but instead reincarnated us as human triplets who were inside of a womb!

“I thought that you said that this wouldn’t lead to reincarnation!, Iniko!” I raged, to which Iniko said, “Well, I guess that maybe the info that I received was false.

To be fair, we did always know that that was a possibility!”

“I’m a lowly, wretched, miserable, disgusting human!!!?!!!” Ya-doom wailed, go which I said, “Hey! Us humans aren’t THAT bad, you jerk.”

“Oh, don’t you get all preachy towards me!” the former-minion huffed, “We minions know that you humans think just as lowly of us as we do of you!”

“Only you’re not a minion anymore,” Iniko corrected helpfully, “which means that (unless you wanna be a hardcore masochist) you’re probably gonna wanna reconsider your loyalties.”

Ya-doom thought for a second, and then said, “You’re right! Screw minions, and screw Satan! Glory, glory, halleblahblahblah!”

Suddenly! a little red person with a pitchfork poofed! into the womb with us and said, “Hey! When my minions get reincarnated into humans I expect them to stay loyal, dammit!”

Before any of us could respond, there was another poof!, and Jesus was there too!, and said, “Now looky here, Lucifer!, humans are all under my protection! Well, kind of, anyway…”

“Whatever, Jesus!” Satan grumbled, “I know that I only have so much power over them for now, but I’ll have complete control over them once they’re in Hell!”

“Ha!” Jesus smirked, “You only get the power in Hell that I let you have, and I can take it away just like that!”

“Oh yeah?,” the Devil sneered, “Why not do it then? Here and now! Take my power away!”

“If you insist!” Jesus said, and dove towards Satan and tackled them to the ground!

They fought really hard for a while, and then eventually poofed! away, presumably to continue their battle somewhere else.

“Well,” Ya-doom said uncertainly, “maybe I’ll just withhold making my loyalties clear until I find out how the rest of that fight goes, eh?”

“Whatever floats your boat.” Iniko said, and then asked if we all wanted to play a game of I Spy.

Ya-doom and I agreed, and (as the two of us began to guess what exactly it was that Iniko had spied) I really hoped that our time in this overly-crowded womb was going to pass by as quickly as possible…