Collection of Words: Free Verse Poetry

Praxis stood at the Drill Press

Monotonously drilling 1.25 diameter holes into 2.25*2.25 G7 squares to make them into washers

The composite material was rough on the skin

And the repetitiveness caused the mind to wander

With each peck

Praxis’ mind wandered back in time

Replaying all of her disappointing physical endeavors

*

It all started with Praxis’ mom

And her mom’s mom

Guilting

Their beliefs for her to be sexually pure

She followed their rules

Trying her best to be good

Until she was nineteen

When Praxis had learned they were liars and hypocrites

From her grandmother’s own lips

Then from her mother when she accidentally spilled her sexual past

Angered and confused

Praxis decided to do whatever she cared to

**

I

She had met I at community college

He was

Nerdy

Yet cool

He wore Buddy Holly glasses and played jazz on the upright bass

Beautifully

He rode BMX and played hockey

Wildly

They enjoyed each other’s company and she believed them to be Friends

She daydreamed of them together

Despite the fact he had a girlfriend

A girlfriend that he said he was going to marry one day

I flirted with Praxis And she with him

The flood gates had been opened and she loved the attention

The desire

The wrongness of it

When I finally ended his relationship

He called Praxis the next day

He gave her her first real kiss on the bridge by her parents’ house

Then fucked her in his brand new orange Dodge Caliber that very night by the post office

He had complained the entire time

Regarding her inexperience

And that she had bled on his car’s interior

She despised him

Yet she adored him

Believing he would be what she always thought a I would be

***

II

He was the son of a former coworker

Praxis couldn’t remember his name

The sound of his voice or any details besides

He was the same age as her

A brunette

And he had made the first move

They ended up fucking

In the back of her ’93 Pontiac

With the red interior and large back seats

In a gravel parking lot

She faked having a good time

****

III

She didn’t really like him

But being insecure

Jumped at the attention he gave her at work

And

He was a different race than her

Praxis knew now that was shallow

Racist

But she wanted to know if the rumors were true

Funnily enough

His motives were the same as hers

He was just as surprised how she looked under her clothes as she was of him

They fooled around for about a month

Where he suddenly quit his job

Never to be heard from again

*****

IV

IV and his fuzzy blanket

Despite Praxis’ incorrect belief at the time that a big dick equals great sex

Their sex had been unsatisfying And awkward

They fell asleep shortly after

And she slept in his bed all the next day

Thinking back on it

Praxis realized he wanted her to leave

But her depression had snuck up that day

And her failed coping mechanism was sleeping

IV moved on to another lover

Pretty much the next day

Praxis shrugged And moved on

******

V

He was a hipster

Through and through

Praxis had slept over at his apartment a couple times

Snuggling with him until they fell asleep

She had continual nightmares

And V sleeping next to her seemed to silence them

So eager for a good night’s rest

And longing for love

She became infatuated with him

She wanted to make love

But he didn’t even want to fuck her

He drifted away like so many others

Over the years he had messaged her periodically

As though he wanted to keep her interest

But he never responded to her replies

She eventually saw the situation for what it was

Dejected

She silently walked away

*******

Praxis stepped back from the drill to the nearby table

Where her covered drink sat

The factory was not environmentally controlled

It was summer time

And everyone was as thirsty

And melting just as much as her

She quenched her thirst

And swore to herself on how it was Wednesday

But with overtime still had 40+ more hours to work this week

She sighed and returned to the drill

Her mind wandering again

As she thought of that boy who was tan

With broad shoulders

Who looked like the stereotypical football player

They had met at the call center where she worked

VI said he knew her sister

She didn’t realize until later

That might have very easily meant

He had messed around with her

She went back to his apartment

Made out

Gave him a handjob

Then took a nap in the afternoon

They never fucked

And they just quit talking to one another

********

VII

He fascinated her

She thought he was strictly gay

Because of his flamboyant tendencies

And his constant talk of the men that worked there

He was preppy

Always smelled nice

He had a deep scar that ran across his nose

He had told her later

In confidence

That when he was younger other young men his age had attacked him

Praxis stopped drilling

Shuddering at the horrors that had been done to VII

Even if you were against homosexuality

What they did to him was unforgivable

She shook her head to clear away the imagery

She remembered they had made out in her car behind A large garage in some strip mall a little after midnight when they both got off work

She wanted to explore his body

And have a new experience

VII. was a gentlemen

And told her that she would regret it

She never forgot that

But she did forget why they quit talking to one another

*********

She thought of VIII

They met at community college

Where he started a cover band and tried to play guitar

Recruiting her on keyboard

Despite majoring in music

She herself wasn’t very good either

She had attention problems

Didn’t care for the genre of music

And wanted to just have fun

One night VIII took her out to a show

At a trashy bar

Praxis drank too many Long Islands

Throwing up on his shoes

They messily fucked in his bed

At his parents’ house

She drove off in a hurry

The next morning

He must have told the other bandmates

Because they treated her differently after that

Especially the lady singer

Praxis quit the band shortly after

From embarrassment

And because she wasn’t having fun anyway

**********

Praxis looked up from her work

Seeing there was at least three hours’ worth of drilling

She sighed

Took another drink of her water

And sighed as she wished her body could handle caffeine

The dull white dusty powder caused from the drilling reminded her of IX

The color matched his alarmingly pale skin

He was obese

And a self proclaimed juggalo

He lived with his stepfather

And was having difficulty finding work from just being in prison

For theft

Praxis stopped the drill

Waited for it to come to a complete stop

And brushed the accumulating powder into the nearby hose

That sent the powder into the dust collectors outside the building

She turned the drill back on And resumed her work

IX was sent to prison at 19

For stealing a television set

He spent his 21st

22nd

Then his 23rd birthday

Behind bars

Praxis shook her head and sighed

What a stupid reason to keep a young man down

Nonetheless

She was not attracted to him at all

But

She was still incredibly lonely

They met from friend of a friend of a classmate

He lived next to the community college she was attending

Feeding her ramen noodles in-between her classes if she stopped by

He fawned over her

And she decided Why not

He clung to her

Wanting Praxis as his own

They fooled around

Only in the dark

When they finally did have sex with the lights on

She realized

She could no longer fuck him

And that she could no longer play on his emotions

She left in a blur

***********

She thought of X

He was short

All muscle

And extremely clean

They had met in an introductory to psychiatry class at the same community college she had been attending the past year

He didn’t speak much

But when he did Praxis adored his lisp

They slept together twice

She still didn’t know what she wanted sexually

Or how to be sexually satisfied

So yet again

She wasn’t

X didn’t like to snuggle

And he wanted her to shave

Bye

************

XI

He played blues guitar by ear

With piercing blue eyes

His house was spotless

He was in his prime

Constantly exercising and riding his bicycle

Which might have caused him to always finish early

Praxis was tired of flings

And felt safe in his bed

Unfortunately he didn’t want a relationship like she did

She wrote him a song He never heard it

*************

Praxis remembered XII

Definition of a nerd

She was hoping they would be friends

Real friends

Since it turned out Praxis’ friendships were just as lonely as her

Sexual relationships

But

She realized he had only had sexual intentions

Not wanting to lose a friend

She played along

He gave great kisses

And did this weird massage thing that drove her wild

But

It wasn’t enough

Heartbroken at the situation

Praxis ended communication with him

Telling herself it was because he had a micropenis

**************

She thought of XIII

What a loser

He smoked pot

A lot of pot

All he did was smoke pot

He didn’t have a car

He constantly missed work at the local call center

His apartment wasn’t furnished

Except for the mattress on the floor

He said had gone AWOL from the Marines

PTSD and all

She didn’t like him

But he gave good kisses

And made her feel attractive

He had cheated on her with a hunk of trash

She wondered if she was still white trash Or had grown out of it

Whatever happened to XIII was of no interest to her

***************

XIV and Praxis had been coworkers

One day they both decided to watch a movie at his house

He liked to play with her hair

And he had done some heavy petting with her

For whatever reason though

Shame had surfaced

And she now felt guilt that she was not married

And did not sleep with him

Still

Praxis did like to flirt

She sent him a text one day asking for photos

Within minutes she received about five photos

Him all in different boxers

She laughed

And asked how many people he had sent those photos to

He didn’t respond

They avoided each other from then on

****************

Praxis rubbed her forehead with her forearm

She knew was forgetting someone

*****************

XVI was a redhead

Who also worked at the same place IX had worked

She remembered going to his house one evening

She wanted a quick lay

Putting her religious guilt to the back of her mind

To quick fix her lust

He wanted to wait

She didn’t

Praxis breathed out in frustration halting her drilling

As she just could not remember his name

******************

Praxis had been fired from the call center due to attendance

She couldn’t afford the high rent her parents had issues her

And moved in with her grandparents

With their help she found another call center to work

Half an hour south this time

She started sleeping with a coworker there shortly after she had started

XVII lived in the sticks

With his folks and brother

She met his family

And socialized with them

They had fucked numerous times

And she enjoyed every time

However she wasn’t sure what to think of him

Or his family

He cut it off with her abruptly

Never explaining himself why he had

She wasn’t sure how to feel

And XVII quit working there shortly after

*******************

Praxis went back to school

For a different degree this time and was extremely busy

A classmate or hers introduced her to her cousin XVIII

Eww

He fucked so fast

It was gross

And his cousin

Was weird

And clingy

And annoying

Hinting they should get married

Only after one date

Praxis shrugged

She didn’t regret the date

Or the awkward classmate

But she did regret quitting school

*******************

XIX lived in the small town next to her folks

She couldn’t even remember how they met

They had gone to a park

With his rottweiler

He had on an ankle lock

They had only made out in the dark

And she ghosted him

Because she started dating XIV

********************

Praxis stopped drilling

And winced

She didn’t want to remember XX

Seven horrible years of her life

She was bitter

And she wanted those years back

XX withheld sex from her

Saying it was because of the way she smelled

Of her being fat

Although she was far from it

XX took advantage of her financially

Brainwashed her to believe that she wasn’t good enough for anyone but XX

He convinced her to believe that she was a terrible person

That she wasn’t worth love

That the only thing she could do to redeem herself

Would be to there for him

Praxis hated XX

And when she finally decided to step away

XX started to transition and told lies about her financial and family stances

To allow herself to be completely taken advantage of

It was the same nasty soul

In both bodies

Desperate

Praxis drained her savings

And bribed XX to take it and never contact her again

*********************

XXI

Another sack of shit

Another abusive loser

Another person who made her feel like shit

Self conscious

Ashamed of her body

And what it could do

XXI. kept her

For two blurry years

By giving her drugs and booze

The third year

Praxis had nothing left

And did not know what to do but to chase after XXI

Who only wanted her on retainer

Her energy was depleted

Her dreams shattered

Simply ignoring him

And everything else in her life had become easy for her to do

*********************

XXIIhad catfished her

But she was lonely and needed a rebound from XXII

His kisses were perfect

And his dick was the perfect fit

But he was always on the road

And even though he said she could have another lover

She wanted a real significant other

Not someone she had longed after

Not someone she begged to spend time with her

She deleted him from her life

**********************

was short

And fat

With beautiful long hair

He was a machinist

A true machinist

Through and through

He was also a biker

Working and maintaining his own bike

Knowing it like the back of his meaty hand

He made Praxis laugh until she couldn’t breathe

He lived over an hour away

And eventually just started to ignore her

Her pining pathetically over him

He said the future was big

And she knew it was the end

And she sadly moved on with tears drying on her face

***********************

XXIV

She thought of his bright orange hair

Everywhere on his body where his hair could grow

His passion

In bed

And through his texts

His low voice

How it shook her to the bone

His love for books

His perfectly executed tattoos

His taste of music

And

Praxis sniffed at the drill press How he had led her on

When he finally voiced he needed space

She had already accepted that it was over ************************

And now there was XXV

*************************

Praxis didn’t have high expectations anymore

But it was still her dream

Her desire

To have a lover

One lover

One person that would be in her life

Through the thick and thin

She longed for that person who also dreamt of hiking across the state

The country

The world

A person to sleep under the stars with

To plant flowers with

To read with

To sing with

To adopt children with

Someone that wanted to wed her

But respected her keeping her last name

Someone that didn’t want to change her

Someone who encouraged her freedom

Someone loyal to her

And her with him

A true love

Praxis put the finished parts on a cart to wheel over to shipping

She sniffed back a tear

And realized

How lonely she truly was