Broken
As soon as she opened the door, she felt his eyes on her, though he didn’t utter a word. Once again, sitting on the sofa, he quietly watched her as she locked the door and left the keys on the hall sideboard. He remained silent as she took off her jacket and hung it on the coat rack, and when she left her purse on the table. He simply brought the cigarette to his lips and took another puff, letting the thick smoke fill his lungs.
When he exhaled, his eyes closed.
Although it was already dark, the street lights leaked timidly through the curtains, casting ethereal shadows in the gloom. A flickering fire that burned paper and tobacco alike was the only source of light in the room, a tiny twinkling dot resembling a beacon amidst the darkness to show the way home. But he was no longer her beacon.
Renna sighed, seeing he was still in the same position as when she left. Her eyes felt heavy and tears gathered again. Sanji opened his eyes and for a brief moment their gazes connected. However, she didn’t bother to greet him, as she knew in advance that his only reply would be some sort of lazy grunt. The place she used to call home no longer existed, nor was there any trace of the golden-haired man she loved so much.
Since the accident, everything had changed. Their relationship, once full of smiles, kisses and loving promises, had been reduced to little more than being two strangers sharing an apartment, acknowledging each other’s presence only in passing.
She wanted to yell at him. To demand for an explanation and her boyfriend back. She wanted to throw a book, a shoe, or her purse at him, just to get a reaction. She was fed up with this empty shell that was nothing more than a shadow of a loved one. She wanted Sanji. Her Sanji. Not whatever that “thing” that occupied the couch day and night, staring at nothing and smoking like there was no tomorrow, was.
If only he deigned to look at her, to really look at her, she was sure the old Sanji would come back. He would never have wanted to see her like that, with her eyes swollen from crying and her heart broken. He, as loving and caring as he was, would never allow that impostor who now stood in his place to make her suffer like that.
“Talk to me” she silently begged, watching Sanji inhale that white, carcinogenic smoke once more “; Look at me.”
She no longer remembered the last time they had spoken like the two adults they were supposed to be. All she could remember were those angry outbursts, so unbecoming of him, asking her to forget everything and leave him the hell alone.
She had never thought of herself as a pushy woman. She was the first to say that she didn’t like to be where she wasn’t wanted and that she preferred to be alone rather than in bad company. But there she was, justifying herself that despite Sanji’s hurtful words and cold and distant treatment, he had never denied that he loved her. He had never been able to look her straight in the eye and cut ties with her.
“If you really want me out of your life, tell me it’s over. Tell me you don’t love me anymore” she had demanded once, causing a small spark of regret to well up in those sky-colored eyes as he noticed her trembling voice. That night Sanji remained silent, slightly paler and visibly distressed, and instead of answering, he picked up his cane and left her alone, crying once more in that room full of memories that as time went by seemed stranger and stranger to her.
Who was that woman from the photos smiling at Sanji using her face? She wore the same clothes, the same makeup, and the same haircut as she did, but at the same time, she felt like she was someone else. There were pictures in different places and times of the year that, although vaguely familiar to her, she was unable to remember.
Who had taken them?
How long had it been already?
Still silent and resigned, Renna walked to the kitchen and grabbed a yogurt from the fridge, which she forced herself to eat. She wasn’t hungry; lately she never was.
The first tear soon fell, wetting the silver spoon with which she had barely managed to eat a third of the yogurt, maybe even less. She knew she had to eat properly and that this lack of appetite was just another symptom of the bottomless pit into which she had sunk by trying to help Sanji and failing miserably.
How to help someone who has already lost all hope? How to help someone who has already given up?
Inevitably, her eyes watered again and she had to close them tightly to try to hold back her tears.
Meanwhile, in the living room, sunken and defeated, Sanji folded his hands in his lap and buried his head in them, trying not to go crazy. Renna’s choked sobs seemed to echo throughout the house, piercing like thorns into his skin and making him feel even worse, knowing he was to blame for her pain.
Every tear and sleepless night were his fault.
Sanji’s lip began to tremble. She didn’t deserve to be tied to a useless man like him. A man unable to walk without the aid of a cane and long breaks every ten minutes.
He was selfish and he knew it all too well. He was selfish for keeping her by his side; for refusing to let her go so she could find someone better than him and rebuild her life. He was selfish for not daring to talk to her and tell her it was all over. He just had to force himself to say that damned sentence that would make her give up so she could get away from him.
“I’m sorry. I don’t love you anymore.”
Just a bunch of words and the biggest lie he had ever told. A small price for freeing the woman he loved from the inferno to which he himself had dragged her. Just a bunch of words that he was unable to say because he didn’t feel them.
He had nothing left. He had lost everything. Because of that traffic accident, he had to leave his job and his restaurant in other hands. What else was he supposed to do? He couldn’t even stand upright without the piercing pain making him prostrate himself in pain after a while.
And yet, she was still by his side.
The only comfort after each operation had been the knowledge that she was there with him. Always ready to help; always with a ready smile and a willingness to fight on. But after seven months without any progress, he simply stopped trying.
It was useless.
Since the accident, every time they went for a walk they had to plan the route beforehand so that there were benches along the way where he could sit and rest because if he sat on the ground sometimes he was unable to get up. His leg would tremble and falter and on more than one occasion he would have fallen face-first to the ground if Renna had not been at his side to help him.
The doctors said there was still hope, but he knew it wasn’t that simple. He knew his own body better than anyone else and could feel that his muscles no longer reacted in the same way. They were atrophied from lack of exercise.
When the door to the kitchen opened abruptly and hurried footsteps came down the hallway to the bathroom, Sanji forced himself to sit still and pretend he didn’t care.
He was aware that, at this point, the best thing for both of them was to end that relationship, of which there were only a few shreds left.
Maybe if he could get her to hate him or leave him....
He was a coward and hated himself for it, but he was incapable of giving her up.
Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Renna retched again.
The alarm clock went off, signaling the start of a new day, and Renna immediately opened her eyes. To her surprise, the bedroom door was open although she was sure she closed it. It had been several months since she was sleeping alone so it was odd for Sanji to come in.
Her body still numb with fatigue, the gray-eyed woman rolled over in bed and reached for the phone to put an end to that annoying tune.
Three o’clock in the morning.
When she saw the time she frowned. She had set the wrong alarm.
At first she tried to go back to sleep, but her throat felt dry and her body claimed some water so she sat up and, wrapped in a blanket, went to the kitchen. The floor was so cold that she immediately regretted not having put on shoes.
A shiver ran through her body as she turned on the light. The half-eaten yogurt and the abandoned spoon were gone, and in their place now stood a glass of water.
She wanted to cry with joy for that small detail.
Even in that pitiful state, Sanji - her Sanji - was still cleaning up after her. He always waited until she was no longer around, but who else could it be but him?
In the apartment, it was just the two of them.
Feeling revitalized, she smiled and drank the water. Deep down, the man she was in love with was still there, hiding in some corner under that apathetic, listless body.
Surely he could use some water too. With all that smoking, it wouldn’t be unusual for him to have a sore throat so she refilled the pitcher and a new glass.
Sanji had fallen asleep on the sofa, his cane in his hand and his head leaning back against the backrest. Taking care not to wake him, Renna placed the glass on the table in front of him and felt her chest shrink as she noticed the open bottle of single malt scotch and a glass beside it, with some amber liquid still remaining at the bottom.
“Sanji?” she called worriedly. He never drank unless he really wanted to forget something bad.
With trembling hands, Renna walked over to the sofa and reached out her arm to push his bangs aside so she could see his face. Thus, asleep and with a calm expression, he looked the same as always, although with more pronounced dark circles under his eyes and a slightly neglected beard. His chest rose and fell rhythmically and slowly.
Her hands moved on their own. She caressed his cheek and her fingers traced the path from that spot behind his ear to his neck, drawing a fine, sharp line. At that distance she could perfectly smell the smoky, fruity hint of whiskey mingled with tobacco smoke and, if she came a little closer, she could also notice those notes of cocoa, so typical of Sanji as well as of the black tea he loved so much.
As if in a trance, her fingertips outlined those facial features so familiar and unfamiliar at the same time, until they reached those lips she missed so much. And when she realized it, she had already shortened the distance between them and had stolen a kiss from him.
“I miss you,” she confessed in a whisper. A silent tear sliding down her chin. “I’m waiting for you to come home, Sanji. Please, come back to me,” she asked.
He remained asleep.
