Everything comes back to you

August 22, 2016

The first day of school! Can’t believe summer has come to an end, but as strange as it sounds, I’m actually excited to see my friends again. Is it weird that I was looking forward to coming back?

I got up early, which is weird... I didn’t spend much time getting ready. Mom doesn’t allow me to wear makeup or even get my brows waxed, so I only brushed my hair, not that I need to since it is pretty straight and not that long. Anyway, punctuality has never been a trait of mine or my family’s, yet somehow Mom managed to drive me and my sister there on time.

As I was entering the classroom, I noticed that my best friend Mila had also arrived on time. I met her a year ago, and our personalities fit like no other; we sort of balance each other out. She has pale skin, straight blonde hair, and brown eyes. If I could describe Mila with one word, it’d be sunshine. She is not only pretty on the outside but on the inside too; out of the two of us she’s the friendly one, and most of the guys have a crush on her. Plus, her love for soccer is unmatched; she’s always talking about the latest game or, you know, practicing on the field.

“Charlie! How was your trip?”

“Hi Mila, It was great! What about you?”

“It was good, nothing special.” She says, “Have you seen the newbie?”

“A newbie?... What are you talking about?” I stop looking at her and turned my head around to take a glimpse of the new face.

“Yeah, he’s over there.” Mila points towards a guy, “I think I know him.” She mumbles.

I follow her gaze, and my eyes land on the guy she’s referring to. Can’t deny he’s a good-looking guy. He has black fluffy hair, thick brows, a fit look, and tan skin like he just came back from the beach. He also has... Shit, we just made eye contact. I try to break it, but there’s something in the intensity of his hazel eyes that keeps drawing my attention.

“Really? Who is he?” I ask, looking back at Mila.

“I... think... we went to the same elementary. I’m pretty sure he was in a year above us,” She explains.

Before I can respond, I watch Leah approach the new guy. She has long wavy dark hair and dark eyes, tan skin, and some freckles. Leah was the prettiest girl from our grade besides Mila, and her confidence was out of this world. She is so straightforward and reckless; people sometimes get scared of her even though she’s a teeny-tiny girl. Plus, rumors say she’s dated guys from grades above us, adding to her allure. I’ve always admired her, and deep inside, I wanted to be like her.

“Mila, did you see that?” I whisper, leaning in closer to her.

“Yeah, looks like Leah’s making her move,” Mila replies, a hint of amusement in her voice.

Just as we’re about to continue our conversation, the classroom door creaks open, and the professor strides in, signaling the start of the class which means no more gossip till recess. The professor seems to notice the new students and uses them as some sort of Ice breaker.

“Alright, everyone, settle down,” the professor announces. “We have some new faces joining us today. Why don’t you introduce yourselves to the class?” Wait up, did she just say yourselves? As in plural... I guess, I was so busy thinking about the new guy, that I didn’t notice there were more.

The hazel-eyed guy stands up first, his confident demeanor unchanged. “Hi everyone, I’m Nate,” he says with a cocky smile showing off his dimples for the first time.

Beside him are the others. Eliott, who’s a short but funny guy, flashes a grin as he introduces himself. Then there’s Max, who looks a bit more nervous, but manages to mumble his name. Lastly, there’s Jessica, who introduces herself shyly, her gaze darting around the room.

After ages of boring introductory lessons, the bell rings, so recess is finally here. Mila and I wait for the girls at the door so we can head to the cafeteria. As a normal teen friend group would do.

“Did you know Nate went to the same school we went to?” Leah asks as she catches up to us.

“See, I wasn’t wrong,” Mila says with a knowing smile. “But he was older, right?” she adds, turning to Leah for confirmation.

She nods, her expression turning serious. “Yeah, but he had to change schools because of his behavior, so... he lost a year,” she explains.

Uff, a bad boy?... That lowkey makes him even hotter. Not going to lie, but he’s the kind of guy that’s going to send you straight to therapy. I mean, he does look like a player. Not that he’d play me; no one does. And not because I value healthy relationships, it’s the lack of male attention I have. No one has ever liked me back, or at all. When guys approach me, they usually ask if Mila is single and if I can share her phone number.

Have you ever watched ‘The DUFF’? That shit ruined me because, at the end of the day, it reflects my reality, except I don’t get to keep the hot guy or any other dude.

Present

I hate thinking about the things that could have happened, but if I could go back to the past, there are maybe two things that I’d change without a doubt, and I wouldn’t care if it changed where I’m standing now. In the first scenario, I’d hug her again. In the second scenario, I’d love him better. As an overthinker, these thoughts had crossed my mind almost every day. Hopefully, one day I’ll be able to face the truth and stop looking back, or perhaps time travel becomes a thing, whatever comes first.

I haven’t seen Nate in what seems like ages, but truly, it has been seven months—not that I’m counting.

Now, I’m around fifteen hundred miles away from him in a totally different country, and all I can think about is if I’ll ever see him again. I refuse to believe that was the end of it all; there must be something else in our story. After all this time, such a lame way to end things, right?

I do wonder, does he think about me at all? Like the way that I do—I doubt it. Lately, he only calls me when he’s bored or whenever his girlfriend breaks up with him. It sucks, I know. Nate tried to meet up with me last December. Somehow I managed not to, and that was the last time we spoke. Is this me finally showing some self-love?... Not really... I miss him. What a bummer...

I should be enjoying my stay here more, I know it. It’s not like you get to live the Canadian dream every day, if there’s such a thing. But ugh, I hate myself for betraying me this much. Even in my dreams, I have to face him. The lack of sleep has been drowning me; I used to get a pretty decent rest of eight hours at its best, but now I can barely get through four.

School has been outrageous too! My brain is too focused on fixing my non-existing love life that getting good grades is no longer a goal to achieve. I tried my best though, but the anxiety was getting worse, and that’s a path I don’t want to cross again, not after being okay for the past four years.

Honestly, it’s not like I want to keep complaining about living in Canada, but this is not what I was expecting, and I still have two more weeks to go. Would I ever come back? Not sure, maybe not in the winter. Me and the sun, it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had. Seasonal depression is a thing I do not want to feel ever again.

I miss my friends too; that’s what I love about school. Forgetting about everything and having senseless conversations—it’s the best part of it. Here, I don’t have that, so merely studying feels like a burden. My safe place is way too far, and the closest option feels like a nightmare. I haven’t talked about it with Mom; she thinks I’m having the time of my life, which is kind of true. Spring break was great... Montreal has my heart more than Toronto.

The fear of going back home is getting high as time goes by. I don't feel like I'll fit in anymore. Is it bad, if I say that I don't think my friends miss me? No one has reached out, besides Sophie and Rick, but even with them conversations were not great. All of them are having lots of fun, hanging out more than when I was there... Maybe that's why I feel like they don't miss me. I haven't reached out too, so probably its also my fault.

“I’m sorry. Did you wait for a long time?” Maria asks. She’s been a blessing on this crappy trip. Never in a million years did I think I’d meet someone like her. It’s crazy how we share the same feelings and experiences. She gets me like no one else has.

Maria is from the Philippines; she’s a tad bit taller than me and older too. But she looks so young. When she told me her age, I was stunned. And when we go drinking, they always ask for her ID, which I think is funny because she’s twenty-seven.

"Not really... I just got here"

"Great! So let's go then"

Today, we are going to a Toronto Raptors game. I’m not a fan of basketball, but it’s their last game in town, and who knows, maybe a once-in-a-lifetime experience. I asked Maria earlier if she wanted to join, which she did.

Maria and I together, we don’t make the best money-wise decisions. We bought the tickets at the box office in the Scotiabank Arena; they were pricey, but the view was worth it. I’ll never spend that much money again. But am I trying to fool myself? I’ve said that every single time, and I keep making the same mistake.

So... that’s two things I’m not good at: love and money.

The game was entertaining. Raptors won, but I was sort of disappointed. My inner hopeless romantic self wanted to experience the kiss cam and meet the love of my life.

On the bright side, the number of cute guys I saw, wow! I had no idea Canadians were that good-looking. I didn’t reach out to any though; I only have that self-confidence when I’m drunk, and I don’t doubt that I’m pretty enough for them to like me back. But I promise dear future self that one day I’ll have the courage to do so.

I don't want to be single for the rest of my life

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Author's comments:

Hi everyone, this is my very first book ever!, thanks for giving it a chance and if you have any questions or any suggestions feel free to ask

Also english is not my first language so if I made a mistake or if the plot get confusing pls let me know :)

-D. S