The Unfriend Zone

Life is full of nice surprises.

A secret admirer left a very special gift on my front porch.

That’s not the surprise, really, that I got a gift from a secret admirer. I’ve gotten my fair share of roses, candies and other silly presents left for me for those who preferred to remain anonymous.

No, the surprise was the nature of the present.

When the doorbell rang, I expected my visitor to be on my front porch, ready to take in my classic beauty. So I made my way to the door leisurely, knowing I was worth the wait.

I was disappointed to discover this visitor didn’t wait. In fact, there was no trace that anyone had been at my door. Not even a residual cloud of dust, like in those Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote cartoons.

But my visitor did leave something behind.

On the porch was a comically wrapped box. Not postal wrapped, but with gift wrapping paper. “Merry Christmas!” was written in red and green font that I can describe only as “flamboyant.” I laughed out loud. It was September 15th.

I picked up the box. Upon closer examination, I saw that one end of the paper didn’t quite reach the other. To rectify this, the giver simply, and crudely, slapped down a scrap of non-matching paper to cover the exposed portion of the box.

I had a 10-year-old nephew who could wrap a present better than this. But who knows? Maybe the person who gave me this most unusually-wrapped gift was about 10. Not that I’m bragging or anything, but I have admirers of all ages. Oh, the burden of being a popular babe that all the boys pine over! (Kidding. Sort of.)

Well, I speculated long enough. Time to see what treasure was encased in this most unusual wrapping job.

I took my present inside, set it on my coffee table, and began unwrapping. It was a bit of a chore, since the out-of-season paper had been plastered down with no less than a full roll of Scotch tape.

When enough of the paper was gone to expose the appearance of the box, I sat stunned for a few moments.

It was an iPad.

Would someone really be so generous as to give me such an expensive gift? It was also a little creepy, but of course, that’s always outweighed by “expensive.”

The answer: Probably no to both. I noticed that the box was missing something necessary to make this an expensive new gift. No shrink wrap. The box had been opened. And there was a large puncture in the cardboard just above the iPad logo. Hopefully, someone wasn’t giving me a live frog, lizard, or something else that required air holes.

I took off the lid, expecting something lame and cheap instead of a spiffy new tablet.

Surprise again. It was an iPad after all!

No, wait. After a closer look: something very much like an iPad. It looked like one, for sure, but not quite.

It actually looked like something … hand-made?

That was a little weird. But intriguing.

There was a card in the empty box.

Happy Birthday Darlin’! I made this just for you! Let’s be friends, whaddya say?

A tablet crudely wrapped in Christmas paper in September. And a note wishing me a happy birthday when mine is in March. Didn’t know what to make of that, but no matter. I tossed the note aside, like a kid tosses clothes aside in favor of getting to the new toys at Christmas.

I was more interested in the iPad knock-off right now. I was intrigued by this must unusual tablet, but cautious as well. I didn’t want to mess with it until someone I trusted had a look first.

And I knew exactly who to see to have it checked out.