Chapter 1
Melody: December 2022
“Merry Christmas sweetheart,” my mom hugs me as i walk through the door of my childhood home. “Merry Christmas,” I want to collapse into my moms arms and tell her everything that’s been going on the last few months but I dont want to ruin Christmas. My mom always makes Christmas so special for my family and I refuse be the one to take any of the happiness away.
“Holy crap, you’re withering away.” My dad sounds shocked and a little worried. I have lost almost 45lbs since I’ve seen them last. I finally feel good about my body even though I know it’s not healthy. No one should ever lose this amount of weight this fast. I can’t help it though. I can’t stomach anything anymore. I constantly feel sick and even the thought of food makes me quiver.
I know my family is going to be worried if I don’t eat during the holidays, so I’m going to try my best for them. “How have you been?” My mom asks me as she chops up broccoli for her homemade cheese dip. “I’ve been okay,” I try my best to force a smile. “Hows school?” My dad chimes in. “Good,” I lie through my teeth. I haven’t told anyone yet but i decided to take a semester off. I needed to. There was absolutely no way in hell I could focus on school in my current state.
“You look like you haven’t been eating. You-“ my mom starts but i cut her off. “I’m okay mom, really. I just want to have a good Christmas with you guys.”
I excuse myself to my old bedroom in the basement. The second I close the door I break. This is the first time I’ve actually been around people in months and I’m forced to hold it together but my heart is breaking. Correction, it broke a long time ago. This must be phantom pains I’m feeling now.
I flop down on my bed and notice the pictures of Kyle hanging on my wall. I get back up and take them all down. It’s not that it’s hard seeing him, it’s the fact he makes me think of Dominic and that’s just unbearable.
Dominic has not texted me back once. Not since he basically told me that fucking me was a mistake. I still text him once a week or so, in hopes he will maybe be thinking of me in that moment and actually text me back for once but he never does. I also don’t text him as often anymore because everytime i do i just picture him and his girlfriend reading my messages and laughing at how pathetic I am.
His girlfriend. God thinking about that makes me completely replulsed. He told me he was going through shit, he said he just needed time but now he’s with someone else. He’s a fucking liar. I hate him with a burning passion but I still need him so fucking bad.
I quickly check his Facebook to see if he’s still with her and my hatred turns into something else. Is there a word stronger than hate? Because that’s what i feel as i stare at a picture of him kissing a skinny brown haired bitch on the cheek. I want to climb through my phone and fucking smack him but even after hes crushed me from the inside out, I could never hurt him. Not physically at least. I do want to shatter his heart into a million pieces but I don’t have enough power over him to do that. You have to actually love someone to be hurt by them and if there is one thing I know for sure, Dominic never loved me. He never even liked me. He just wanted someone to stick his dick in. He played me like a fool.
Wanna know the worst part though? I would let him do it again.
I spend the rest of the evening playing board games with my family and trying my best to avoid their worried questions. Just before bed, my mom stops me as I’m about to head downstairs. “Hunny, tell me what’s going on. Please. Is it Kyle? Are you struggling with the breakup?” She looks so concerned. I feel myself about to break. I can’t keep it in any longer. “No, it’s not Kyle,” my bottom lips quivers. “Well what is it?” She reaches out and rubs my arm.
I finally crack. The flood gates burst open and there’s no closing them now. I tell her everything. Well not about all the sex and the drugs but i tell her about Dominic. I tell her about how i fell for him the moment we met and how I thought he actually wanted me. I tell her how he made me feel like i was actually worthy of love again and then I tell her about how he broke me.
She pulls me into her arms and tries telling me how strong i am and how things will get better but I’m not and they won’t. Dominic has permanently fucked me up.
I toss and turn for hours. Night time is the worst. Hell is loving Dominic in my sleep and then waking up alone. Every night when sleep finally comes I dream of him and I together and happier then ever but when I wake up and I’m faced with reality, and I fall apart all over again.
I spend all night thinking about Dominic holding that other girl. About him kissing her and laughing with her and worst of all maybe loving her…
I finally doze off and when I wake up again it feels like I barely slept at all. I check my phone and when i do, i shoot up in bed. I am suddenly wide awake. Oh my god. Dominic called me 9 times. Oh my god! He’s still thinking of me? I suddenly feel my heart beat again. The heart that I thought was frozen solid.
The last time he called was at 5:37am which was just over an hour ago. He never tried texting me, only 9 phone calls back to back. I call him back immediately, crossing my fingers he answers but he doesn’t. I call a few more times and when he still doesn’t answer i feel the ice slowly starting to cover my heart again.
