Chapter 1
Before I get into recounting this journey to you I feel I have to tell you a bit about myself. Or do I? Maybe I should just get right into it and let you follow me, if you can, if you dare. Your spirit might be stirred up to the point that you will have to read every word in trepidation. The unknown has been revealed to many through generations, all over the globe, yet, we know nothing, so we admit, about the other side of life, or better said, the other side of death. I know I have many questions left unanswered by any sermon I have ever heard or book I have ever read.
I remain curious about why we’re here, alive, on this planet, living our lives in confusion, searching for the answers to peace, wealth, acceptance, cruelty, injustice and every other sin we can throw in the mix. Lives ruined by greed and those lavished by it on the backs of others. Crimes committed in the name of love and wars in the name of God. We’re all at the mercy of life as it happens with death coming at any time to claim our lives, our wealth, and our dreams. I live in a tortured mind full of unanswered questions which will only rest in peace when I do.
I’m a loner by rejection you might say. I’ve been shunned, rejected, mocked and humiliated to the point of being alone by choice now. I arrived at this conclusion when I rescued myself from drowning in an ocean of tears. I now enjoy the safety of my own company. I am so ok with myself that I know of no one I would rather be with. Though alone I am far from lonely. I have my freedom, my health and no illusions to get in my way. My simple life within my solitude brings me pleasure but mostly it brings me peace.
I speak to people that I meet in the course of a day, if I meet them that is. I tend to shy away from where people are. I am not unfriendly though I am more aloof than before my epiphany. My deep rooted hatred of others has brought me to a state of mind and heart I had been fighting against all of my life. Now, I have no will to fight and I accept defeat. I am better alone within the dark walls of my hatred where I bother no one and allow no one to bother me.
I listen to music with an eclectic ear and sing with the songs which compliment my voice. I go out in all kinds of weather taking pictures, which I frame and share my art with my walls. My routines are simple pleasures which vary from day to moods. I love to see God’s hand in my travels out and about and take solace in a long walk on a deserted beach. My favorite being the beach at Point Michaud in Cape-Breton. As you can see, I have it pretty good now.
The pastime which I enjoy most is driving. I relax behind the wheel of a vehicle. I go out of my way to travel on back roads mostly. I drive my hearse, Victoria, during the summer and my pick-up truck the rest of the time. Victoria draws attention to herself with her vanity licence plate which reads, “ALIVE”. I get a kick out of the fact that she gets photographed by many when we’re out. She serves to demystify and shock. All who know her refer to her by name, Victoria.
When I’m around people that I know I find my spirit is fragile. It gets hurt easily when strife is shared or gossip and judgements are voiced. I sometimes believe I haven’t survived the life I’ve led thus far. I often look back analysing or trying to, where it all went wrong. I know I shouldn’t dwell on the past but I am after all a product of it. I’m not dwelling in a self-pity wallow but more in a perpetual questioning. Why, what, how and, who did I kill to deserve it? Not that the answers would change who I’ve become and who I had remained all through it. The one question I do want answered is, “Is God pleased with me?” It’s after all the only one that truly matters.
My mind is in a constant philosophical frame of thinking. I believe that I’m the deepest person I know. Then again I am dysmorphic and could see an entirely different distorted reality. We all fool ourselves when we self-appraise or examine our worth and character. For whatever reason we are blind about some parts of ourselves. This is just me being deep. I live within the walls of my mind regardless.
