Finding Shelby

“Well, we can’t act on those intrusive thoughts!” Tina said with a smile.

As her best friend, I wasn’t worried. She held her body over the railing to feel the mist of the water mix pleasantly with the brisk Seattle air. But from the faces of the people that surrounded us on the ferry, huddled together, like the brisk air made them mad, they looked a little concerned about her.

Sure, she might’ve been thinking about hurling herself off the ship. But both of us knew she wouldn’t actually do it as she smiled out at the harbor. Her smile has always made my heart feel safe and my mind feel clear.

“Tina, stop it. You’re doing that thing where you freak people out.” I told her, but we both knew she didn’t care.

“Oh, c’mon Shelby. You gotta let loose once in a while! I leave in a week for Maine. I need to know you can still have fun without me. You became such a stickler after you had the kid and left the dead beat ass hat.” Tina sighed, waving her hand to catch some of the sea mist.

The glances Tina was getting a moment ago for considering throwing herself off the ferry shifted to me, making me now consider if I wanted to hurl myself into the bay.

I felt the heat rush to my cheeks. I couldn’t tell if it was from the anger that my best friend just decided to air my dirty laundry to a ship full of strangers, or because I was embarrassed to be a single mom, with a dead beat ex-husband at the ripe old age of 24.

Tina brought herself back over the railing and turned, making eye contact with me. I knew she could see the shame on my face. I loved her so, so much, but she didn’t have a filter. She didn’t worry about saying the wrong thing. She just spoke whatever came to her mind.

She hooked her arm around mine. “You know you could move with me. We can get you an apartment in town, close to the beach. You and Lilly could start over.”

While her eyes are bright with excitement about this idea, I’m not sure. It’s not like I can just pick my life up to move across the country with her.

“You know I wish I could. But Lilly has school here. I’m looking at a promotion at the bank. I can’t… I can’t make my problems yours. You can’t fix my problems.” I told her, looking out at the bay as the ship rocked over the water.

“Shelby,” Tina sighed, making me turn to her again. “You hate your job at the bank. It’s crap pay even with a promotion. Lilly is a social butterfly that has never met a stranger in her entire life. She could make friends anywhere in the world.”

I knew she was right about all of it. I knew it before it came out of my mouth.

“And don’t tell me I don’t get to fix your problems. Because bitch, yes I do. I get the right to your problems after thirteen years of friendship.” She said, making a few people turn towards us as she cussed.

I smiled and shook my head. She knew I wasn’t ready for that kind of change, especially with the divorce being as fresh as it was.

Tina laid her head on my shoulder and I reached up to set my hand against her cheek. I knew she meant well. I knew she wanted to help. Tina had been the only person there for me through thick and thin; through every breakup, every friend fight in high school, every rumor.

But I couldn’t ask her for help out of this one. I knew I needed to figure out a different way, but the lines blurred between what I knew and how I wanted my life to be. And we fell into silence for the rest of the ferry ride.

Walking up the stairs to the third floor always made my skin itch. Nobody should have to climb two flights of stairs just to get to their apartment. Especially one that’s overpriced for a two bed one bath in the rundown downtown district.

But my world shifts as I unlock the front door and hear ‘mommy!’

My little girl comes barreling at me around the corner.

“Baby, how are you? I missed you.” I told her as I kneel down to hug her tightly to me.

She hugged me just as tightly back and I thought back to when she was still small enough to fit in my hands.

“Today, a boy in my class farted and it smelled really bad.” She said, making a funny face.

She was only six and had just started Kindergarten. I thought after all these years and all the things I’d heard this child say, nothing would throw me for a loop. That, however, did. “Um, okay. That sounds gross.” I said, feeling my face morph as I tried to figure out why we were talking about farts.

“Silly mommy. It’s perfectly natural!” Lilly told me before she walked back around the corner to the coffee table in the living room to color.

I took my coat off and hung it on the coat rack behind the door. I turned to the kitchen to see Ellie, my savior of a neighbor from next door. Ellie was a little five-foot-four windowed grandma who’s kids stopped coming by to see her. She was my saving grace when I moved in, because she’d watch Lilly after she got out of school, and before I got home in the evenings.

“Hello dear, how was your day?” She asked politely, but I could tell from her face, she could see the exhaustion on my face.

Despite it all, I smiled. “It was a day; not good, not bad.”

She smiled back at me. She moved towards me with a bowl in her hands and I couldn’t help the genuine smile as the amazing smell hit me and I watched the steam pour out of the bowl. She set it down in front of me at the table and I wanted to cry. “It’s your favorite. I figured it might cheer you up a bit.”

My eyes watered and I ducked my head, trying to hide it as I quickly wiped at my face, refusing to let the stray water fall. I nodded. “Thank you. I really did today. What would I do without you?”

Ellie just smiled at me, patting me on the shoulder.

“Lilly, come sit at the table. It’s dinner time.” I called, watching her pigtails bob for a second as she danced in her seat before she stood up and raced to the table.

She climbed onto the dictionary I had been using as a booster seat and I flashed back to my earlier conversation with Tina about moving. How could I possibly move when I couldn’t even afford to get Lilly a real booster seat for the table?

But Lilly just grinned. “Soup!” She said, almost a little too loud for my taste, considering the upstairs neighbors practically hated me. But none of it really mattered as I watched her dig her spoon into the warm bowl as happiness spread over her face.

She didn’t know how much I struggled to provide for her. She didn’t understand how upset I was at myself for not being the ‘dream mom’ I had envisioned for myself. She was just happy she had her favorite soup for dinner and I turned my head, trying to blink away the tears again.

I took a bite as Ellie sat down with us at the table. The second the savory, delicious warm broth filled my mouth, feeling my eyes roll back into my head. God, it was so good.

I liked when Ellie sat and ate with us. I was already so used to having a third body; it was hard to shake that it really just was Lilly and I now. But Ellie was good company and we talked about our days; how work went for me and how Lilly had been for her.

Having her around in the evenings took a portion of the burden off me. It was another body to watch Lilly, sure; but it helped fill the loneliness that came with living as a single parent. I didn’t have a partner to talk to at the end of the day, no husband to vent to anymore. But Ellie hung around after I got home… I felt like she needed it almost as much as I did.

Despite the fact she’d already cooked for me, she helped me with the dishes too. When the dishes were done, she smiled at me. “I will see you in the morning, my love.”

“Lilly, come give Gam Gam a hug.” I told her, turning to see where she’d run off to.

Lilly charged back into the room, slowing before she got to Ellie. She wrapped her little arm around Ellie and gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek before she rushed back off to play with her dolls.

“Sleep well, dear. If you need me, I’m right across the hall.” She told me with a smile.

As much as I wanted to say I didn’t bother Ellie in the middle of the night, but the truth of it was that she was one of the very few people that knew I woke up with nightmares in the middle of the night. They’d gotten so much worse after the divorce; to the point, I’d wake up in a cold sweat from screaming.

Ellie already did so much for me, but there was nights… nights I just could not be alone in this apartment while Lilly slept.

I smiled at Ellie as she turned before she left. I thanked her for dinner, for being there and made sure she made it into her apartment before I locked and deadbolted my door. I glanced at the clock, partially relieved to see it was eight.

“Hey pumpkin. It’s bed time. Let’s go brush those teeth.” I called to her.

“Okay,” She said and I could see that sleep was starting to take hold of her. She picked up her dolls and moved them into her bedroom before moving into the bathroom.

When her teeth were brushed and she was in her favorite Frozen pajamas, under her Frozen bedspread, all tucked in with her little doll, she looked up at me and I could tell sleep was minutes from her.

“Mommy? Can we read a book?” She asked with her big brown eyes.

“Absolutely baby. What book do you want to read?” I asked, looking over at her bookshelf. For the luxuries she’d had to go without, she was never short on books or stories.

“How about the book with the raccoons?”

I smiled. “Oh, yes. I like that one. Alright, scoot over.” I told her as I grabbed The Kissing Hand off her little bookshelf.

She scooted over, giving me enough room to crawl into her little twin bed with her. I laid next to her, reading about fears of starting school and changing situations. Tina had picked it up for me, hoping it would somehow help Lilly with the transition of moving from a family home to an apartment.

As it turned out, she’d been right. It was one of Lilly’s favorite books, and while she loved that I would read to her, she didn’t need it. She mouthed the words as I read them from the book.

When the story was done I closed the book and leaned down to kiss her forehead. “Sweet dream, baby girl. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“I love you, mommy.” She said as I moved to put the book back on her shelf.

I looked over at her, curled up in her bed as her eyes start to drift to sleep and I smile to myself. “I love you too, honey.” I told her, although I wasn’t even sure she heard me. I flicked the light off and gently pulled her door closed.

Heading for the kitchen, I opened the cabinet that held the glasses. I smiled at the wine glass Tina had given me as a joke after the divorce had been finalized.

‘Single and Ready to Mingle’ was printed in obnoxious cheetah print lettering, where it sat right next to her whiskey glass I’d gotten for her last birthday. It read ‘Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History’.

God, we were a pair.

Tina was such a wild one. She’d been a published author for years, specializing in the spicy kinds of romance books. She was always looking for the next big adventure, and Jesus, she kept me on my toes.

My fingers wrapped around the wine glass and I grabbed at the box of wine I had on the top shelf, above the microwave to make sure it was clear out of reach of little arms and much to high to climb to. Without shame, I filled that sucker clear to the brim as my phone dinged from the couch.

“Who the hell is texting me at this time of night?” I murmured, taking a long drag from the glass before setting it on the counter to retrieve my phone.

Of course, I open the phone to a text from Tina.

Bitch, open the door. I don’t wanna wake the kid and my key’s not working.

I smiled as I shook my head, turning to the door and stubbing my toe on Lilly’s doll house. Fuck, I forgot I was going to give that to the neighbor kids down the hall.

“Fuck, shit, ouch, Jesus,” I mumble, trying to keep my voice down, but knowing if it didn’t come out as a whisper, it would’ve been a yell to wake Lilly.

I could hear Tina giggling from the other side of the door before I could get it open.

“Shut up. It’s not funny. That hurt like hell.” I tell her, glaring at her as she silently laughs like a hyena. “What are you even doing here?”

“I missed you.” She grins, but I narrow my eyes until she rolls hers. “And my neighbor is throwing a rager to rival any house party you ever saw in college.”

Honestly, that was fair enough by itself. “God, that’s gotta be louder than hell.”

Tina pulled her coat off and threw it in the direction of the coat rack, but it didn’t make it. She kicked her shoes off, leaving them in the middle of the floor.

“Girl! We go over this all the time. Hang your dumb coat up!” I chuckle.

“Or what?” She asked with a grin.

We giggle for a minute, knowing I sound like her mom and she does it because it annoys me. But we settle and she moves into the kitchen to grab her whiskey glass to fill it with Jameson and Sprite.

“Do you wanna watch the new episode of that show with the hot firefighters?” She asked as we settled on the couch. Even though she asked out loud, we both knew the answer before she clicked the button on the remote.

I moved my stash bag of couch chips to sit between us as the intro played and I smiled.

Maybe this little life was all I really needed.