Beyond Reality
The clock struck midnight. He woke up as he could hear loud noises.
“Happy Birthday to you,”
The young man who was in his twenties pulled off his blanket. He remembered it was his day. Though it was not like that, it was a mistake. His date of birth was written wrong in the documents.
He grabbed his cozy white slippers, wore them, and went to the bathroom. He stared at the mirror. He was a tall man with dark brown hair and eyes. His eyes seemed sleepy. At 12:05 he was back in his room, looking for the source of the voice.
He came downstairs and saw his friends. How did they enter the house? He wanted to ask but ignored it. Their gesture was cute after all. He could see the decor on the white walls of his house. The banner said,
“Happy birthday,”
He looked at his fellows and said,
“Thank You,”
In reply, they giggled. They were three, his University fellows.
“Cut the cake!” Qasim spoke up. He was a tall and tanned man.
“Yeah, sure,” he replied, yawning. The tall, handsome man went to his home’s kitchen. He was searching for a knife.
On his return, he had a knife and some plates. He cut the cake and his friends sang the Birthday song for him.
“Take this,” the host offered.
“No need, Zaroon. I am full,” Omer replied but Zaroon could see that he looked uneasy. He nodded and put the cake back.
“We are going now,” the third one declared. Zaroon looked at him with surprise and asked,
“Why?”
“Just wanted you to cut the cake, bye,” The same man replied again and without a moment hesitation they were gone.
“Omer, Qasim, Ali,” he called them but of no use. Zaroon shrugged and put the cake in the fridge. He went to sleep again.
It was 7:30 am and his phone’s alarm was not letting him sleep. He wanted to turn it off when he realized that he had an important presentation to submit. He instantly woke up. While yawning, he tried to get fresh. Without any sort of breakfast, he made his way to University. While leaving his house, he didn't notice the disappeared birthday banner.
He didn’t want to drive and asked the driver to do so.
“Did you open the door for my friends?” Zaroon asked while scrolling down Instagram. The driver looked at him through the mirror as he was sitting in the back seat.
“No,” he replied with wonder. For the first time, Zaroon realized that his friends had made a duplicate key to his house. He didn’t like this too much but controlled himself.
After the presentation, which had gone brilliantly, he made his way to his friends.
“Thanks again, you guys should have eaten cake,” he spoke up while preparing another question in his mind.
“Zaroon?” Qasim called him with wonder.
“What?”
“We didn’t come to your house,” he said, amazed. The other two boys looked confused too.
“You guys did!” he emphasized.
“No, we didn’t,” Omer replied.
At the same instant, he could hear his car’s horn. He left the conversation and made his way to the car.
“They must be teasing me,” he thought.
He didn’t ask the old driver anything and wished to take a picture of the cake and send it to his friends.
He forgot about his plans during the 30-minute drive and got fresh as he entered his vacant house.
After this, he went to the kitchen and opened the fridge. His heart missed a beat.
There was no cake inside.
“Then, who were they? Where had the cake gone?” he asked himself. Zaroon was terrified.
Synopsis
I think the synopsis needs a bit of work. I can what you are going for but it doesn’t really tell me much of what the books is about, other than it is a horror and that schizophrenia may play a part. I think building on that horror element and adding a few more details would really help you carry this through and draw the readers in. But even still, you have that sense of mystery, questioning and intrigue that appeals to a wide audience.
Your first chapter is very choppy, there isn’t any consistency or fluidity to it, this made it very confusing and rather abrupt to read as it jumped from one thing to the next. I was very confused at the start whether it was his birthday or not, and what was exactly happening. There’s little to no emotional attachment to the character which makes it hard to relate or envision the situation.
There are grammatical mistakes in this chapter, I have noted them in the paragraph comments.
Hi Abeer,
I just finished reading your story The Unseen One and I absolutely loved it. Zaroon's journey, grappling with eerie occurrences and questioning his reality, is both suspenseful and rich with visual potential. I kept imagining how dynamic it would be as a comic.
I was particularly struck by the opening scene in Chapter 1, where Zaroon wakes up to the sound of "Happy Birthday" and finds his friends celebrating, only to realize that something feels off. The tension and mystery in that moment would translate beautifully into visual storytelling, capturing the eerie atmosphere and Zaroon's growing unease.
As the story unfolds, the blend of horror and psychological thriller offers a rich tapestry for visual storytelling. Zaroon's descent into confusion and fear, coupled with the haunting events around him, provides ample opportunities for dramatic visuals and character development.
I'm a commissioned artist, and I'd love to bring your story to life in comic or manga form. No pressure I just believe your work would look incredible visually.
You can check out some of my recent artwork on my DeviantArt (Username – Ev3Verse). If you're interested, please message me on Discord (Username – Eve_verse) so we can discuss how to adapt your story visually. I’d be thrilled to collaborate.
Regards,
Evee
Creepy! Intriguing start to the story.