Chapter 1
"Ryder baby, you awake" I groan hearing my mom's voice as I turn over in my childhood bed.
last night is coming back to me in glitches as I blink open my eyes.
"Ryder, you'll be late if you don't get up now." My mom knocks again, and I let out a cough.
"I'm up, give me a sec." I grumble towards the door as I sit up.
I cradle my head in my hands as I remember how the night unfolded.
drinking with dad, Luca and Jack.
singing with Gammy and Celest to an outdated pop song as mom watched on laughing.
hell, I even had a dance off with Jeremy and Greham, none of which can dance.
then....
"Fuck." I groan as I remember my fight with Leo.
of all the things I've done since I left for college, kissing him was the one mistake that makes my blood boil.
why did I kiss him.
don't ask.
moment of weakness, I guess.
or maybe I was drunk or high.
maybe because he infuriates me beyond belief.
he's one of my best friends, he's family.
I groan again as I stumble into my bathroom for a shower.
I lean my head against the wall as the water hits my neck.
dad will have questions; I saw the way he looked at me after Leo and I hashed it out.
can I talk to my dad?
I'd like to think so, we are as close as me and my mom.
I'm just so confused by the way I feel.
once I'm dressed, I pack my small bag and make my way downstairs.
the house is a flurry of activity, with mom rushing around to clean up the rest of the mess and cook for the family.
"Morning bud, you look like I feel." dad laughs as I make myself some coffee.
"Thanks. but I doubt it." I reply as he watches me with his blue eyes.
the same blue eyes I have.
"Sit down, I'll make you some breakfast before you go, dad wanted to take you to breakfast, but I'm selfish and want you here." mom says kissing my cheek.
Jeremy is chatting about some other TV program with Lucia, while she listens intently.
Morgan is shoveling eggs into his mouth which looks like a competition with Greham, who looks like he hasn't eaten in a year.
Celeste is drinking coffee with Darcy, while leaning on Jacks shoulder for support, while Luca talks with Leo on the other side of the table.
Leo's eyes find mine as I sit, his eyes following my every move.
"We have Twenty minutes till you have to leave for the airport." mom says placing eggs and bacon in front of me.
"I'll drive you, if that's ok with Luca." dad smiles as Luca looks up.
"Leo needs to grab some things from town, so I'll take him, if you want to take Ry." Luca replies and I narrow my eyes at Leo.
dad and Luca share a look, one that says, "let's talk to them separately."
dad nods towards me.
"You ok with that bud." I nod and bite a piece of bacon.
Celest looks at me and smiles.
she's the best sister I could ever ask for, especially in my early years when we moved here.
we would sit for hours, talking and planning our futures.
my eyes wander back to Leo, always Leo.
"Come on champ, let's get your stuff. say goodbye to everyone and meet me outside." Luca says jumping up and breaking the stare off that Leo can't stop doing.
"You too Ry, I'll get the car." dad says walking over to mom and kissing her on the mouth.
they have always been affectionate with each other, and in front of whoever.
Leo gets up to hug his pops, that's Jack to you and me.
Luca is just dad for some reason.
"Call me when your back. and let me know how your social science paper turns out." Jack grunts as Leo squeezes him tight.
"Will do pops. stay cool old man." Leo teases as Jack fake punches him in the stomach to which Leo fakes being hit and lets out a grunt.
"Catch you all soon, stay out of trouble. yes, I'm talking to you Darce." Leo winks as she flips him off.
they have a good bond, Luca and Jack made sure of it.
"don't do anything I wouldn't." Graham yells as Morgan giggles.
I stand up too, needing to be out of the house and away from all the chaos.
"Later bro. text me ok." Celest hugs me and I hold her close for just a few minutes.
"Look after mom ok." I whisper in her ear as she hums.
everyone else waves as I make my way to the front door.
we pass the front living room, and I slide in to say bye to Gammy.
she always sits in here when its meal times, too loud for her otherwise.
"Stay away from the girls. don't need no more kids running around here." she grumbles as I lean down to kiss her cheek.
"You got it Gammy. see you in a few months." I reply walking away.
she grumbles something about not living that long and I smile.
Luca hugs me too when I reach the car.
"Stay out of trouble and keep an eye on Leo please." I nod as usual, because it's all I ever do.
Keep an eye on Leo, that's normal right?
"I love you baby. text me or facetime me when your back ok." mom says squeezing me tightly.
"Love you too. I'll call you at the end of the week." I promise and she kisses my cheek before hugging Leo.
I wave until the end of the drive.
we turn right as Luca turns left, taking Leo to supposedly get some things from town.
"So." dad starts and I shrink into my seat.
"Please don't, its nothing and it's over. whatever it was, its done." I say looking out the window.
"You can talk to me bud. no judgement here. love is love, hell, I had my fair share of debauchery back in the day. mostly involving Luca and Jack." he grins like it's a big joke.
"Um, ok. gross." I laugh as he laughs with me.
"Seriously though. want to tell me what happened." he asks, and I let out a sigh.
just rip off the band aid Ryder.
"I kissed Leo." I say almost so he couldn't hear.
but he did, I know he did.
"Then what." he asks as we pull onto the freeway.
"Then I freaked. pushed him away. called him names. told him to stay away from me." I close my eyes remembering the hurt on his face.
it was me who made the move, me who cornered him against the wall.
months of teasing each other.
months of lingered looks.
when he kept drinking and licking his lips, I lost it.
"I told him to stop drinking. he drinks too much as it is. when I grabbed him. fuck...." I drop my head in shame.
dad places his hand on mine.
its ground me in the moment.
"it's ok to be confused Ry. its ok to question your choices. all I ask is you don't hurt yourself, or him while you figure it out." I nod along because he's right.
it's me who needs to sort his feelings out.
it's me that needs to decide if I want to do it again or why I did it in the first place.
it's me that needs to decide if I'm gay or Bi, or whatever the fuck I am.
we pull to a stop where the drop off zone is, thank God.
I love my dad but right now, I need space.
"I love you Ryder. always. don't ever doubt that. you and Leo will work it out. don't be ashamed of what you feel or who you feel for." I nod and climb out of the car.
dad helps me with my bag and then hugs me close.
with a slap on the back, I walk away turning at the door.
"Love you dad." I yell as he waves goodbye.
