The End of the start
As you stormed out the doors, I felt my heart breaking into a million pieces, I felt as the tears ran down my cheeks uncontrollably. I ran after you into the rain wanting you to stay needing you to stay. I took a hold of your arm in an attempt to make you stay, I couldn’t speak, the lump in my throat wouldn’t let me. “Please” was all I managed to say.
There was so much I wanted to say so much I wanted to express to you. I hate you, I hate you for being so perfect, I hate you for always being there for me, I hate you because you never once mistreated me. I hate you for making me love you, I hate you for not fighting for me, fighting for us.
You pushed me away and kept walking. I tried running after you but I couldn’t keep up, I felt my knees hit the ground, the rain melting into my tears. I watched as your back slowly disappeared into the dark night. Losing you felt like part of me, losing my other half. Never had I known heartache like this, never had I lost all hope before. I felt as if everything around me shattered.
You were my world and my everything, but I wasn’t enough. I didn’t know what I had done wrong nor did I know why I wasn’t worth fighting for. I felt so useless and worthless. As my tears grew and the rain poured I felt coldness fill the air. I would never understand how one day you told me you loved me yet the next day you were gone. I just wanted to understand. I wanted you to tell me but you just walked away. You left me in the rain crying my eyes out. You left me all alone when I needed you. My heart was aching for you, I felt it break into a million tiny pieces. I had been in love before but never had I felt such pain before.
I couldn’t help but scream in the open air. I screamed from the top of my lungs, my tears growing with each breath I took. I wanted to stop, I needed it to stop. I just wanted to be numb. I sat on the cold rainy ground, I hoped for you to come back. That’s all I wanted for you to come back to me, but you never came back. I sat that on for what felt like hours just crying my heart out. This was unlike any pain, any emotion I had felt before.
I didn't know how I had managed to get home that cold rainy night but I somehow did. I spent the whole night lying in my bed in my wet clothes crying and screaming into the pillow. I would go back to the same place for months waiting, hoping for you to come back. I would throw my life away in hopes that you would come. Day and night passed as I waited, but you never came. You had just disappeared from the face of the earth. Where did you go? I felt so lost without you, so empty. You filled my life with happiness and liveliness. I had forgotten how to function without you.
The pain was so unbearable, it was suffocating. I couldn't stay there anymore, I couldn't keep torturing myself in hopes for you to come back knowing that you would never come back. Knowing you didn't care about me. I questioned if you ever did care if you ever loved me. I had so many questions but I didn't have any answers and I knew that I would never get the questions answered. No matter how I tried to make sense of it all, it never helped. It just got more confusing and more painful. I had to tell myself that it was never real for you that it was all some type of mind game for you, that you never loved me. That was the only way I would ever be able to move on. I needed to make myself hate you for something otherwise I would always wait for you. I would never have had the strength to leave….
